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Thread: I was seeing a married man

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    Default I was seeing a married man

    Ok,
    I know is sounds bad, perhaps it is bad. I need to know if men ever leave their wives for the "mistress"? Does it just not happen? Am I really one of "those girls" who believed a "lying bastard"? What is up with the men who have a wife they are unhappy with and a girl they love, but they wont leave the wife for the new girl?

    I met a guy at the club who I got to know and started caring about. (I am a dancer.) We got to know eachother without me even considering the fact that he was married b/c most guys in the club are married, neither of us were looking for a relationship outside the club. Then I found myself really liking him. I started seeing him outside the club, no money, not business, but based on emotion, mental connection and some physicalness, but not all the time. His marriage is turbulant to say the least, he is/was not happy. But he had been with her 20 years, so there was a commitment feeling and of course he still loves her "but is not in love with her". Anyway it sounds so cliche but I really thought we were different. I fell in love with him over 7 months and I am sure he loves me, but love is an emotion that can be classified on so many ways, lets say I know he really cared about me as a person. But he started lying to me, he was lying to her and now it is a big fat mess where he is doing his best at damage control with his wife and letting me hang. Not that I am letting myself hang. I am not interested in a relationship where I am second class. He said he loved me, was leaving his wife, had lawyers, that he was all mine and I'd have to shace him away, etc. But I caught him in a few lies and now am moving on. But I cant just stop loving him so i am trying to understand what happend so I can move on better educated than before. I know short term affairs, esp with wealthy married men, are the norm. I never thought I'd be a part of this, but the heart is unbelievably strong and stubborn. I wish he had been upfront with his desires, perhaps I would have been ok with a short term love, if I knew that is what he had wanted, but he lead me to believe he wanted me for life. Anyone have a similar situation that actually worked out or is that just fantasy?

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    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I've dated several married women in my time...One I fell hopelessly in love with, and listened to her constantly tell me just a little while longer baby I swear we're through, I'm really leaving him this time, etc....

    It's my experience that they never leave their spouse for the other person....

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    He may very well have wanted to do the things he promised. But often reality sets in and thats the end of the story.

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    Yes, you are right, it does sound bad and it is bad. I'm not judging you, things happen- however, thinking that he would leave his wife after 20 years despite how unhappy/miserable whatever the case is, is the wrong assumption.

    I have never gotten myself involved with a married man, have had many opportunities, but as a former wife, who was cheated on and then told that "I love you, but I am not in love with you" I have a hard time to even express what I really want to say in this post (serves you right... ) but I don't want to be harsh- matters of the heart are still matters of the heart. Regardless, you fell in love with this man, and no matter what the situation, it still hurts when a heart is broken.

    I do however believe in fate and connections and sometimes there are people that are drawn to others for some unknown reason and the connection becomes strong.

    I don't think you really want to waste your time with someone who is married for a couple of reasons:

    1. It never works out
    2. He cheated on his current wife to be with you, what makes you any different as say, wife #2 and then he does it again?
    3. Relationships that are based upon cheating spouses etc, are just asking for trouble- how can you trust someone after knowing that they are openly cheating on their spouse?


    Just a couple of points. The other thing to consider, is that there are two sides to every story- you are hearing his side in regards to his relationship with his wife- but who's to say that he's not playing you so that he has a nice mistress to bed and going home to his wife and being Mr. Suburbs?

    Even as a short term love, I can't understand women who get involved with married men- why put yourself through that and get used? If married people are so damn unhappy- just get a divorce and move on.

    Sorry Lashes, I just don't have anything good to say about this.


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    God/dess kryssy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I have had friends who "dated" married men. Not one of the men left their wife.

    In my opinion, it is always best to ask if the person is in a relationship or not. Asking would avoid all of the confusion and heartache for all people involved.

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    Banned LauraLove's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    My sister was infected with HIV because her husband cheated with a hooker working out of a club so I am biased on this subject so I will refrain from posting my complete gut reaction on this topic.

    Instead I will just ask that you please consider the fact that your actions affect more than just yourself.

    Remember that you are partaking in behavior that could crush and/or ruin another persons life.

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    God/dess FBR's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    As a preface...this is just my opinion Very few guys in a secure and comfortable financial situation will give up half or more of what they have accumulated over the years to be with someone whom they are attracted to but doesnt bring anything financially significant to the party. As much as the guy whines about not being happy or not being in love blah blah at the end of the day, the thought of going that far backwards when push comes to shove is unacceptable.

    In the case of longlashes this dude will just move on to the next woman after a suitable mourning period. He will "fall in love with her" and tell her the same stuff. And again and again. Its just damn unfortunate that innocent parties get caught up in it.

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I completely agree with you FBR, if someone has accumulated a lot within the marriage, they are not going to give it up so easily and start back at square one.
    My parents were married for over 15 years and were unhappy for most of it. Neither one of them wanted to give up what they accumulated through out the years. It was only when my dad could prove that my mom was not entitled to half of everything is when he filed for divorce.

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    [QUOTE=Gynger]

    I don't think you really want to waste your time with someone who is married for a couple of reasons:

    1. It never works out
    2. He cheated on his current wife to be with you, what makes you any different as say, wife #2 and then he does it again?
    3. Relationships that are based upon cheating spouses etc, are just asking for trouble- how can you trust someone after knowing that they are openly cheating on their spouse?


    [QUOTE]


    On point, I so agree. Even though i've never been with a married man & never will too. Another thing(and no offense), but do you really think that that man will be %100 faithful to you? IMO, he did that to his wife & he would do it to you too. That's the way he will treat all women. I use to date someone who was divorced and I never knew the reason why they got divorced. So I heard through other ppl that he cheated on his wife....automatic turnoff for me too. BC I knew well he was gonna do it to me too. I don't care how much he said he was crazy in love with me, it just couldn't work out after I found out. And exactly towards the end, he played me the fuck out.....jerk off.

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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    Quote Originally Posted by longlashes
    But I cant just stop loving him so i am trying to understand what happend so I can move on better educated than before.
    You want to move on... better educated than before?

    The solution is simple- get something that resembles the slightest amount of self-esteem. That will solve the problem from this day forward.

    You knowingly invested yourself and your emotions into a person whom you could never trust. He's married and sleeping around behind his wife's back, and this is someone you are having visions of picket fences with. What's wrong with this picture? YOU are what's wrong with this picture.

    Putting the act of adultery/infidelity completely aside- you were ready and willing to get with someone with whom the only sure thing is that he is co mpletely untrustworthy. You know that if you two ever did become an 'exclusive item', you would never know if he was screwing around on you.. but by your own measurements of self-worth, this was acceptable to you. Herein lies the problem. I wont even go into any possible age difference, but if he has been married 20+ years... I'm betting there is a 10-20 year age difference in this relationship as well.

    Wake up and smell the coffee. You can do much better and should NEVER get into these kinds of situations if you actually care about yourself and know your own self-worth. Once both of these situations are rectified, you'll never wind up in one of these situations again.
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    Polecat, you know it is funny. I would have had the exact same response as you just wrote me, before I ever entered into this "relationship". It is not good to date a married man, it is not good to have sex before marriage, it is not good to do drugs, not good to be naked in public, not good to pick your nose in public, not good to divorce, all these things have been told to me. the main reasons something is not good is if it hurts people. But without risk and hurt there can sometimes be no love or healing. There are always exceptions and of course one always thinks they are the exception. It goes back and forth in my head all the time. I care about people, but I am also very passionate and curious about life.
    I believe I have very good self-respect. Has it been step on some in this relationship, yes, have I realized this, yes. My mind and heart are battling fiercely, no question. My beliefs on marriage are not great as I have seen it used for so many bad reasons and so many marriages have caused much pain, but I do still believe it is possible to have a strong, loving, trusting marrigage. With this man? probably not, but that still leaves room for change. I am one who trys to forgive, understand, and I have too much empathy for those around me. (this is true, although you many believe different since I was dating someone elses husband. You'd have to know me to make your own decision). But I am not completely naive. People are only people and I forgive them for this, polecat in doing so I need to watch myself so that I dont get treated poorly, but sometimes I risk this for the chance that I may be right in following my heart. No matter how "wrong" or nonsensical is seems. I realize my actions affect more than him and myself. I have no intent to hurt anyone, especially myself. I try to balance my desire to live and explore with how it will affect others. Honesty, I have found it the best way to do this, b/c if people know what is going on they can make the best choice. his wife found out about us quickly. It really has been a strange dynamic, she and I have spoken. i kept imploring him to be straight with her and most definately with me. When I spoke with her I was completely honest. Anyway I am getting to far into this. I respect everyones answer and thank you for sharing your thoughts. It helps me process to get views that are not bogged down in this mess as mine are. I know there are a lot of horror stories out there. I was just wondering if through love, human nature, and eventual honesty, there was an expection to the norm.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    gynger and fbr are to the point on this.

    I could never get involved with a married man, its against everything i believe in. Although men do lie, (and iv'e got the "oh im not married")but the minute i catch him in a lie like that he is dead to me.

    He probally did love you, but not enough to give up everything he has with her and half of his assets to TRY something with you.

    If a guy REALLY likes you and he is married what you need to say is "I'll get to know you better when i see divorce papers." Or something like that.

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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I think I need to clarify a few things in order to be more clear...

    It's not a case of what 'society' dictates is good and what is not good. Marriage, divorce, stripping, social inequities.. it's all moot and really has no substance aside from personal beliefs and morals dictation. This has nothing to do with any of that. It has to do with leveling expectations for what you have earned and deserve.

    What I am talking about as far as self-esteem goes- when you *truly* consider yourself "all that," the mere thought of being with someone that is married should cause a natural repulsion.. disgust. Not because it's wrong, but because you deserve better. This guy went to altar with this woman and vowed unending love to her... so, the absolute BEST you could ever hope to achieve would be to become #2 in the same situation down the road (or #3, #4 or #5). After all, this is where the woman he is with now resides. This is the BEST possible outcome... ever.

    Staring down at that best possible outcome without feeling negative about the person IS an identifying trait of low self-esteem. It doesn't matter how pretty you think you are, or how worthy of love you think you are... if staring down that road doesn't inflict harsh feelings of disgust, something deep down needs to be rectified. After all, you're the most beautiful, precious and wonderful thing that deserves sooo much more. How can you have these kinds of feelings for this person where the only sure thing about him is this nature to turn his back on someone he married? Therein lies the rub.

    While it is indeed noble to forgive people, give people the benefit of the doubt and create all sorts of justifications for other's behavior... this kind of thing is just beyond you. He's not even in the same league as you. When you start truly believing this, these kinds of things wont happen. Will you get stepped on in relationships still? Absolutely! Some people are good liars or able to hide facets of themselves so risk/hurt will always be in every relationship equation... but when there are such things openly on the table, and the natural counter-reaction just isn't there... it's definately something you need to brood about and stir around in your mind. Identify the conflict... come to the real conclusion regarding your reaction (or lack thereof).

    You're not a horrible person.. that wasnt the intent. Alternatively, you're someone that deserves better and should NEVER settle for second place.. ever. Once you realize this, this guy wont even be in the picture any more, you'll start to actually loathe him, and such situations wont occur ever again. There are plenty of fish in the sea.. and plenty without mercury poisoning.
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

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    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    yea polecat is right. thorough posts

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    After leaving the computer for an hour, I am back with new thoughts and feelings. I just found out he was lying to me 2 days ago. I am still very reactive, and I must admit to many feels of nausiation. I dont hate him, very few people I hate, perhaps none (?). But as I muddle my way out of my emotions, I am feeling stronger. I do know in the back of my mind that I could never trust this man, that he has conciously hurt me, and that he doesn't care enough , it seems about anything. I am far from through thinking about this, but am feeling more free. I am not the best things since sliced bread but I do think that I am the most important thing to me, b/c without me I cant do anything. Polecat inparticular I have always enjoyed reading your posts and thank you for your blunt yet educated opionin. I put my situation out here for review and your imput so I can get through this sickenly painful and stupid mourning period. My heart would love to think the person I fell in in love with exists, he does not in this man. My heart wants a happy ending, but life doesnt often work out that way. You're right I love him, but I love me more, so I need to act accordingly. Thanks y'all.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I am not surprised that he's lied to you again. I am glad that you are taking care of yourself and walking away from this. You do deserve so much better.

    I agree with Polecat 100% and have nothing more to add to this.

    Much hugs and love,
    Venus

    P.S. Life always works out with a happy ending...you must choose to see it. The biggest downfall of happy endings is the expectation of what that happy ending looks like. The happy ending, in this case, was you standing up for yourself and honoring yourself enough to get out of this dysfunctional and demeaning relationship. And she moved on Happier than ever.

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I think that if you've read two "Dear Abbey" columns in your life, you'd know that married men don't leave their wives for the woman they're cheating with.

    My X-wife left me for a married man, who apparently had quite a sales pitch regarding how unhappy he was with his wife of twenty-some years and how happy they would be together. Of course, once she moved out, he had lots of tests of commitment for her to pass; he couldn't leave because of the effect it might have on his college age daughters (the effect it had on my much younger son, apparently wasn't an issue), lots of lies, etc, etc., blah, blah, blah. Seems he had quite the reputation for chasing interns around the desk where he works, by the way.

    Anyway, apparently he's now getting counseling to save his marriage.

    Walk away, you don't need that kind of crap. All you end up being is the victimizer in his tale of woe to the next conquest. And, being involved in the breakup of a family is a lot to carry on your conscience.
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

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    Featured Member Crystal_eyes's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    Do that babe cause this guy is bad for you ! I know how it feels to love a liar but trust me your better off him he's never gonna change !

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    Longlashes- you can't help who you fall in love with. However, you can always control your actions, I know about this bc I fell in love with a married man who broke my heart.

    At first he pursued me, I resisted, pursued, resisted---this was all non club related, then I gave in. I gave in though because I was in a depressed place. Hindsight is 20/20. I needed attention, a friend, a cheerleader, someone who didn't care that I danced or was a God forbid "STRIPPER".

    Anyway, sweetie, I know how painful this can be, I cried the other day and it has been quite a while since it has all been said and done. I just ran into him, and it came flooding back.

    Give yourself a pat on the back for at least knowing you are needing to choose you. You don't have to be perfect, ya know? It is so hard...I just so empathize with what you are going through. Sometimes you just fall into a situation---you didn't set out to hurt others, I know, because you were in your own heart and head.

    He is the one that needs to deal with his situation, and honestly, he's probably in a worse place than you are. I feel sorry for him because he is betraying supposedly the woman he cared enough about to marry, and betraying the woman he loves, and most of all he is betraying himself by not coming clean and being honest.

    Hang in there, don't give into him, or this will drag out forever...trust me, I let my shit drag me through the mud WAY too long.

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    Quote Originally Posted by LauraLove
    My sister was infected with HIV because her husband cheated with a hooker working out of a club so I am biased on this subject so I will refrain from posting my complete gut reaction on this topic.

    Instead I will just ask that you please consider the fact that your actions affect more than just yourself.

    Remember that you are partaking in behavior that could crush and/or ruin another persons life.
    Holy sh*t,that REALLY sucks!!!!! I am very sorry.
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I am involved with a man who is married to someone else for 17 years (weeks away from FINALLY divorced though!!). It has been a very difficult 2 years of hiding it (because of punitive legal aspects and kids involved. The wife's attorney can ask you all about your sex life under oath btw..). I can't even begin to tell you the emotions I go through- feeling like the scum of the earth because I am "the bad person" who can't meet his parents or kids, etc. (I know this is not true - I am more educated and talented and a nicer person...however in reality that's how it feels when he's there and I'm here) spending holidays alone....

    I will say that it is working out and that it was worth it. This person is my soul mate. Neither of us would ever dream of giving the other up after all we've been through. Nothing, barring death and illness, could be as tough as what we've done together. The difference between your situation and mine is that my boyfriend has not lied to me. I have heard his wife, and she truly is the dispicable witch he portrayed her as. We both are working professionals (I dance on the side) with much in common and this woman has done nothing but torment the people around her while sitting on the couch popping bon bons and criticizing everyone else.
    I read an article recently about how housewives are worse than the prostitutes they criticize because they are nothing more than prostitutes who renege on delivering the goods. They lure men into a contract based on mutual admiration, affection, and partnership, and then they quit working and think that just because they lie on their backs with their legs spread and fart out a kid that they are entitled to torment, emasculate and leech off the men they allegedly love. Then, after the contract of mutual affection and teamwork is broken by the wife, she takes over 1/2 of the money her husband has been working his ass off to earn while she watches Oprah and wastes his money. There's a class action lawsuit that made the news on CNN today about the unequitable treatment men get in terms of child support and custody (* The WORKING CONTRIBUTING men, not the deadbeat dads)

    While there is always the argument that men who cheat will always cheat, there is also the exception where a man let a pushy woman bully him into marriage 17 years prior, got some self-esteem in between, realized that life with such a wretched waste of human flesh was not worth living, and kept it under wraps so as not to disrupt the kids' lives while facilitating the least volatile and expensive divorce possible.

    This man gave up over $100K in income per year in alimony, etc, to be with me. I don't know anyone else who has been this lucky in our situation.

    IT IS possible, but I doubt it's likely in your case since you know he is lying to you.


    In no way am I implying that the sisters or other people who were mentioned by the respondants with a differing opinion deserved the treatment they received. It is NEVER right to have unprotected sex and endanger your spouse no matter how well you *think* you know the other person. My point is that some men balk at the women that they are with for very legitimate reasons. Some women EARN the treatment they receive by being pushy, inconsiderate, and not contributing equally to a partnership. Men end up in places or in relationships for a reason. In some cases it's that the man is like an unneutered animal and has no sense of loyalty. In other cases the man has been repeatedly wronged by an unbearable woman who has her fangs embedded so deeply in his financial and emotional juglar or uses his kids to manipulate him into staying in a miserable marriage that no longer resembles what he signed up for.

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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I know that's kind of harsh, but in my specific case, that's how it is. SOMEONE has to play devils advocate after all


    I saw a therapist earlier in the relationship who said that "99.9% of married men never leave their wives" and that I should dump him and hang out with girls. So that's at least one therapist's advice. In your case, it sounds like the best plan!

    In my case, I would have lost out on the person with whom I am able to connect the most in this world. I have never had such a level of intellectual and emotional intimacy. I think that you know deep down if it's going to work. It sounds like you already know it won't.

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    Senior Member janazoo's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    [QUOTE=Gynger

    1. It never works out
    2. He cheated on his current wife to be with you, what makes you any different as say, wife #2 and then he does it again?
    3. Relationships that are based upon cheating spouses etc, are just asking for trouble- how can you trust someone after knowing that they are openly cheating on their spouse?

    Just a couple of points. The other thing to consider, is that there are two sides to every story- you are hearing his side in regards to his relationship with his wife- but who's to say that he's not playing you so that he has a nice mistress to bed and going home to his wife and being Mr. Suburbs?

    _________
    I was engaged to someone for 2 years we were together for 4.5 years. He cheated on his first wife and from what I could understand (without him admitting to it) he cheated on his second wife.

    I met him when he was single after his divorce with his second wife and I fell madly in love with him. I knew he loved me too. He asked me to marry him. I knew he would never cheat on me because I AM all that. Belive me I am in every way possible. So in having me by your side why would you stray.

    He actually cheated on me. I was devistated. Once a cheater always a cheater. I will never go out with a man who I found out ever cheated on his former wife or girlfriend because he will do it to me. The signs were there and I disregarded them because I am better and these rules don't apply to me, I did come down to earh after this one. I left him immediately and he was there for me financially until I got on my feet. (Finances= this is all cheaters are good for)

    He WILL cheat on you so leave him and don't look back. That is a cheaters nature. And how would you like it if you were married and your husband/SO cheated on you. I'm sure you would be hurt. So why don't you stand up for the women of the world and not cheat with a married man. You are hurting a woman for a mans sexual disire. This man would hurt you the same way he hurt his wife/SO.

    I will never date a married man or a man who has a girlfriend. Most of the girls I have known would be the misstriss without a second thought. Outside of work I never had "girl friends" if they exhibited this thread of behavior. Why open the door for opportunity?

    There are some very good men in this world you just have to look and you will find one.
    Last edited by janazoo; 11-01-2004 at 06:20 AM. Reason: re wording

  24. #24
    Member AmyCA's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    I was seeing a married man for about a year, he was quite a bit older and I was very niave. I have never felt so many different emotions in all of my life. I loved him, I couldn't confide in friends because he was married and I was living a lie, Lying about where I was going. Lying to everyone that cared about me, for a man that couldn't give two shits. He promised to leave her, over and over, I finally couldn't do it anymore and told him to stay away from me. Two months later his wife left him, she found him in bed with another woman. I thought I had a connection with him and thats why he was cheating on his wife, I now realize it was the game. He got to have a wife, and a gf. Both clueless. Never ever again.
    Love Deeply, Laugh Hard, Live Long

  25. #25
    Senior Member LeanneCiccone's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was seeing a married man

    Quote Originally Posted by longlashes
    I was just wondering if through love, human nature, and eventual honesty, there was an expection to the norm.
    Im so sorry, honey, but love is not love without SACRIFICE. You SACRIFICE the physical pleasure of screwing others because you love your spouse. He couldnt do that for her - what makes YOU any different? Because you want to believe him when he says youre special? Hes telling you what you want to hear and you are eating it right up. he is that "type" of guy.

    EVENTUAL honesty? What is that? There is the truth and then there is deception. Black and white. What exactly is EVENTUAL honesty? "Oh I fucked a stripper today honey, but Ill tell you in twenty years, so Im not really lying?"

    You sound like you are looking for some story book ending...why dont you make your own? Why not make the ending be, "and then I learned the hard way why not to mess with married men..." That is the best ending of all. We all have to learn that lesson, if we didnt already know it to begin with.

    There are plenty of fish in the sea, really there are.
    Leanne

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