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Thread: Will things get better?

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Miss Courtney's Avatar
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    Will things get better?

    I've got something I need to get off my chest, and maybe some of you have been through the same thing. Anyway, at the moment as most of you know Im just over 6 months pregnant, Im still with the father, we live together. But things have been so horrible and rocky and I just don't know what to do whether to stay with him or not.

    I feel like he doesn't even want to be with me and sometimes I feel the same about him, that maybe were just together for the babys sake. Except the thing is I dont want to be apart from him, as much as I want to be sometimes, the thought of raising this child on my own is scary, and there's something about him I love. I think I love him more than he loves me. And he has told me before in the heat of an argument that he's only with me because Im pregnant, but when he had calmed down he told me he didn't mean it.

    He is so hung up on my past especially my dancing which Im not doing at the moment. He often asks me how I brought myself to dance 'in front of seedy old men for money' and says that I may as well be a prostitute. I tell him its nothing like that, I enjoyed the stage dancing, and I was doing it when he met me anyway, and Im not doing it at the moment so whats the problem! He brings me down about that a lot and makes me feel horrible.

    He goes out drinking and doing drugs regularly leaving me at home by myself, and when I actually do want to go out with him (sober of course!) he doesnt want me to because I 'bring him down and ruin his night out'.

    I think maybe Im just all emotional and clingy because of being pregnant, is this normal? Will things get better once the baby is born? or should I move out now while I still can?

    Sorry if this doesn't even make any sense I just had to get it all out!

  2. #2
    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Do you honestly want this individual having a daily influence on your baby's life? Do you honestly think it is healthy for your baby, even before birth, to be exposed to these levels of stress that you are enduring? Your efforts are admirable....but at this stage it is not so much about your life or his....it's about your child's.

    Yes, it is completely normal to have all kinds of emotional swings while you're pregnant. Your body's chemical composition is doing all kinds of crazy things to you. Do you ever find yourself just crying for no apparent reason? Normal? Angry? Normal.

    My thoughts - stop gambling with what might and might not happen when the child is born, and take every moment NOW to do what is healthy for that beautiful little being.

    And best of luck to you.
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
    -His reply

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
    -David Daye

  3. #3
    Sitri
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Miss Courtney,

    It sounds like he still has a self image of a party guy with a lot of oats to sew. A man with that image does not want to be seen as a man with a family. If this is true, it may be magnified when the baby comes. Now there is this baby that will keep him awake and will be a constant conflicting note of his self image.

    No one can predict if he will have a change of heart (and self image) or just continue to head in the single swinger direction.

    Sorry to hear this as you really need support during this great time. Just remember you aren't pregnant for long so don't let this take away all of the memories.

    Take care.

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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    He goes out drinking and doing drugs regularly leaving me at home by myself
    Leave him, last thing you need is a alcoholic/druggy father to your baby.

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    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    He goes out drinking and doing drugs regularly
    This alone should say it all.....any reason you would stay with someone like this is beyond me....but just in case you need more...

    I think I love him more than he loves me
    he has told me before in the heat of an argument that he's only with me because Im pregnant
    (people dont say things they dont mean)

    says that I may as well be a prostitute
    He brings me down about that a lot and makes me feel horrible.
    Now if you can re-read these things and honestly still think you want to be with him or want this man raising your child....then there's nothing to talk about...you should stay with him.

    But if you re-read those and realize what most of us can see....then its time to go....

    Im not trying to sound like a dick here....but this seems to happen a lot....I wish you the best and do what you need to do. No one can tell you what is right you....you need to see it for yourself.

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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    I agree with AinNY.....



  7. #7
    Senior Member DCFoxxx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Amen to what AinNY and MoJo JoJo said!



    It is never too late to be what you might have been. - George Eliot

    There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there's only a scarcity of resolve to make it happen. - Wayne Dyer

    "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." -Janis Joplin

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    God/dess blondhottie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    I agree with everyone else! I'm sorry, but he sounds like a loser and you deserve better. Get rid of him. He doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He is not only drinking and doing drugs (which is reason enough to leave him, IMO), but he also sounds verbally abusive to you and he is putting you down for dancing. Your future son or daughter does not need a father like that in his or her life.

  9. #9
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    First off...don't ever write off a "feeling" as being clingy or needy. You are a human being and as a human being, you need attention, love, affection. It's a given. NOW...since you are not getting that, you are noticing all of the things you ARE getting...which doesn't fit with what you need.

    You do not have to raise the child alone. There are many people around us all the time who would be more than happy to help us...neighbors, family, friends...you do not have to do it alone.

    Staying together for a child is the worse thing you can do. It teaches the child that you are not deserving of anything better. Also, the child will pick up on the resentment of "staying in the relationship for the baby." Neither is good for the child.

    OTOH...you are going through so many changes...and so is your boyfriend. Parenthood is a truly life-changing event. He may be scared of having a baby...he may be afraid of what kind of parent he'll be...he's afraid that with a child, he'll be losing who he is.

    Never-the-less...you really need someone who is going to be there for you. Sit down and talk to him about how HE feels about having a baby. What his fears are...don't point fingers for them...just let him talk. And then you tell him what YOUR fears are. You are not alone in this regard. I went through it...Scorpio went through it. But, those fears must be opened up and discussed. Your boyfriend may just need to express those fears and get them out in the open. NOW is the time to do this...not 10 years from now. You may find that you both don't want to be in a relationship...and can start to make the decisions necessary to remedy the situation. But, there's something MORE going on here...and until you know exactly what it is, you will not be able to work through the problem.

    Many hugs and good luck. If you need anything, I am just a PM away.


    Venus

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    God/dess kryssy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    I am totally with Venus on this one! Babies can feel stress even before birth.

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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Get away from the guy.

    Ya know......I can fathom a guy that could say those things to someone he is supposed to love and care for, and do this to someone who is pregnant with his child. Seems to me that this would be the most amazing thing in anyones life. To only tear you down like he is doing, is just showing how things will be down the road. Like the others have said....Do you really want your child growing up with someone like that?

    I wish you the best Courtney and hope that you find the peace that you are looking for.
    I've heard that a good signiture sets you apart from everyone.
    Well......is this good enough???

  12. #12
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    ouch courtney.. It looks like you need to leave this guy for the sake of your baby. You don't want him/her to be raised in that type of environment (trust me)
    You seem like a nice girl, but sometimes women that are too nice get taken advantage of. Find someone who can appreciate you and ALWAYS know you can do better then him.

    years later when you have left him and things went sour, you will think to yourself, "why the heck did i stay with someone who made me feel like that."

    And you will smile when you think of how strong you are and how unharmed and beautiful your child is.

  13. #13
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gabe
    Leave him, last thing you need is a alcoholic/druggy father to your baby.
    As a child of an alcoholic, I can't agree more!!!

    I use to WISH my mom would divorce my dad.

    I was a good 30 before I finally got my shit together to the point where most people normally do by 23 or 24.

    I still suck as a good boyfriend, I believe, because I never got to see what a good relationship looks like.

    I have a lot of trust issues that are holding me back from happiness.

  14. #14
    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Well, I'm not into giving advice, but I don't think you should make any decisions re: leaving him while you're still pregnant.

    However, if you want, when I get down there I'll kick his ass for you

    Feature costumes for sale!

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    Senior Member grace's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Wow. Sounds like you're going to have to make some heavy decisions in the very near future. I can't tell you whether to leave your boyfriend, but if it were me I'd be thinking about it, at least. IMO, people change much after the age of 20 or so, so it's unlikely that the miracle of fatherhood is going to transform this guy into something he's not. Stress doesn't make people say thing they didn't mean, just things that they didn't mean to say.

    Do you have anyone who could help you if you did leave him? What kind of supports do you have? I'm hoping you have good family and friends who can provide emotional and material support to you right now. God bless.

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    Veteran Member Miss Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Hi, thanks for all your advice and support. I had a talk with him after reading some posts on here. I decided unless things get worse Im going to stay with him until after the baby is born then re-assess our situation. I guess Im still hopeful that things will get better after, and Im scared of being alone and raising the child alone when Im not even ready to be a mum again.
    I do have a very supportive and loving family, but if I left him now Id have to move house and I couldnt really stay with my family and I don't like to burden them with my problems.
    Thanks again everyone I found all your insight very helpful.
    Courtney

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    Veteran Member MisfitBunnie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    I agree with what everybody on here said. This guy is no good and you should leave even if you are scared about raising a baby on your own. I was raised by a single mother and she did it, I don't know how she did it but she did. Ask your family for help if you need to, they are your FAMILY..that is what they are there for...to help you, guide you, and love you. And i'm sure your mother wouldn't mind having her grandchild there to spoil! It's worth a shot. If you are second guessing this relationship before this baby is even born, that is a red flag.
    "And Bill, lamenting how you never see a positive drug story on the news..."Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration and that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and you are the imagination of yourself. Here's Tom with the weather...!"- Bill Hicks, The Greatest Comedian Ever!

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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Oh boy Courtney...

    I guess the short answer to "Will things get better?" truly sounds like they will only get worse.

    You've gotten pregnant with this guy, which begs the reality that you're having unprotected sex with him. Add to this that he likes to get drunk, use drugs and goes out without you and wants you to stay home. You've repeated what horrible things he's said to you and how he curbs your affections for him. I'm really seeing all the signs of a cheater and an abuser. YOU and your unborn child are at major risk for contracting disease now... and higher degrees of abuse down the road. (Yes, all you have described IS abuse now! Learn the signs and symptoms).

    It's going to get worse. Even moreso if any of this was the case prior to you getting pregnant (him wanting to go out 'alone', fending off your expressions of affection, etc.etc.).


    Also-
    Quote Originally Posted by VenusGoddess
    First off...don't ever write off a "feeling" as being clingy or needy. You are a human being and as a human being, you need attention, love, affection. It's a given.
    I think you missed your calling Venus. I truly wish high-school girls were armed with such knowledge prior to getting out in the world.

    Love is a physical AND emotional thing, and while everyone needs a different degree of space in relationships, continual curbing of affection in a relationship is a clear sign that something isn't right. It's SO common when such things are cast as someone being 'clingy' or 'needy'... it's a cop out to continue a dysfunctional relationship... and allows a loser to carry on the facade. I mean, it's all her fault for loving him, right?
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

  19. #19
    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    Do what works for you...and I wish you luck...

    Im not expert no this...but i feel like after the child is born its going to be even harder to leave him if you wanted to.

  20. #20
    God/dess Silverback's Avatar
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    Default Re: Will things get better?

    One of the more calm periods of my marriage to my X-wife was during the time she was pregnant. Obviously, people are different, but it occurs to me that if it is hard now, it will be really hard once the baby is born.

    Sleep deprivation, when combined with an exponential increase in tasks, obligations, and responsibilities, doesn't seem to show people in their best light.

    I hope I'm wrong and that things improve for you, but I anticipate that the road will become considerably more rocky.

    Good luck.
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

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