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Thread: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

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    Senior Member Devinn4's Avatar
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    Default Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Hi everyone,
    I'm in a pretty bad place financially, I'm trying like crazy to get a job, but right now it really doesn't seem all that promising! I've been curious about dancing for quite some time now, and think it would be a good way to at least get me back on my feet and make me some money to save until I can find a different job, or even so that I can go to school and then find a career. There aren't many places to dance where I live, so I would possibly have to take a trip to the states or tokyo, or just to the mainland.
    BUT......
    My boyfriend doesn't want me to do it at all. He doesn't like the idea of me dancing in the city we live in, because it is small, and although he says he's proud of me, he doesn't want to show ALL of me off to EVERYbody. He also is worried about the "stripper lifestyle", which he considers to be littered with drugs and alcohol.......but from talking to you guys, I think a LOT of you don't touch drugs, am I right? He worries about my self-esteem and me not being able to handle mean comments.

    I don't know. I'm desperate for cash, I don't want to lose my apartment. He's not too keen on me living with him if I do lose it, because he just has a small bachelor pad, and yet he doesn't want to move in with me in my one bedroom to split the rent. He definitely doesn't make enough to support me, and I wouldn't want him to, either.

    I know I've heard on here "never let dancing come between a relationship", but What Do I Do???

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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Quote Originally Posted by Devinn4
    I'm desperate for cash, I don't want to lose my apartment. He's not too keen on me living with him if I do lose it, because he just has a small bachelor pad, and yet he doesn't want to move in with me in my one bedroom to split the rent.
    If you look at what you posted above your "boyfriend" not wanting to live with you speaks a lot about your relationship.

    He obviously doesn't want a serious relationship with you so you have to look out for yourself in order to not be out on the street.

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    How much do you like this guy? It sounds like his ego won't be able to take it if you started dancing. Yes we get rude comments from customers, but I can be rude back, unlike in the corporate world where, when the customer is rude we have to grin and bear it.

    Anyway, you can try sneaking around and dancing w/o telling him, but that is bad relationship advice. Also you can assert yourself, tell him you are going to do it anyway, and let whatever happens, happens.

    Basically, there aren't too many successful relationships in this business. Many dancers are either in and out of relationships constantly or have a guy that they have to support because he has so little self esteem that he won't even get his ass off the couch to go get a job. Dancing is tough on men and it is a little emasculating if handled the wrong way by the woman.

    My guy is educated, makes great money, and we sometimes do kinky swinging type of stuff, so the normal obsticles to a relationship with a dancer are not there. Even at that, we have our moments when my job is an issue because I travel a lot, and of course the night hours making it hard to see each other even when I am at home.

    It sounds like your choice is dancing or boyfriend. Maybe he would change his mind and be okay with it after you start, but I wouldn't count on it. Then if you do start dancing, and decide that you absolutly hate it, you will be out of a job and have no boyfriend either.

    Looking over this post, I guess I really haven't been much help.

    Good luck, Paris Love


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    how long have you been going out with this guy? How serious are you about him? Maybe "go on vacation" and dance while away? Just to get your feet wet and see how you like it...

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    Featured Member susan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Where in BC are you? How far from Vancouver? I'd suggest you go dance THERE, if it's an easy commute, rather than dance in a small town. Not only does dancing in a small home-town raise a lot of ..... shall we say "issues"... but you will rarely make much more money there than working at a McDonalds.

    As for the B/F, though.... well, guys can be crazy like that. Personally, I'd ignore him. He'll either play along (all the better), or you'll get a chance to find out OTHER things about him that you need to find out before it becomes permanent.

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    Senior Member Devinn4's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    LOL, Paris, you make me laugh

    I've been with him for over a year, and we went on a bit of a break, because I told him that I couldn't stay with him if he didn't start appreciating me more and not making me his last priority. We still saw each other quite a bit, and kissed, but there were no "labels" I guess. Well then one morning I stopped by his place, opened the door to find him screwing his ex Yah, that hurt. Then he said it was the first time. Then I eventually talked to HER, and she told me no it wasn't. Then the cops broke me and him up when I was yelling at him for lying. UHHHHHH.....now we're trying to work it out. WHY? For some strange reason I think I love him, lol. Yah, it might not be the best relationship to begin with, so I guess you guys are right, I kind of need to look out for myself first, and the fact that I need money.

    Well, we'll see a little bit of how he will react tonight.....I just got a call to go in and waitress at the strip club!!! So that's kind of exciting!(PS: I live in Victoria). I'm excited, and a bit nervous! I want to prove myself so that he will keep me on there. WISH ME LUCK!!! I'll let you all know how it goes, and thanks again!

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    Featured Member Muyaha's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    girl as much as it hurts to make a clean break from him, it looks as if he doesn't have your best interest in mind such as not really caring that you are desperate for money so you can stay in your apartment then finding him fking his ex. I've been in this situation before and even though it hurts like hell the best is to break it off and do whats best for you. I wish you luck on your waitressing job.

    I may have many faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.

  8. #8
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Ya know i went through this shit with a former bf. I wanted to pose nude, and did, phone sex, and did, and strip. I did not feel i needed to tell him everything about me in the first couple months. I mean after all we were just "sex pals."

    Then the relationship grew, and i mentioned the phone sex (he hated all i did if it was my body) he really questioned it. Anyway, i have to survive, and he was not living with me, or helping with any bills...you get it. SO, i went ahead with what i had to do to take care of me.

    Here is what i don't get ....I found every form of PORNO, he also showed me some on his computer at one time....Why is it he can look at other women, but i can't be one of those women men look at??? I was not cheating, only sleeping with him, and cared.

    Anyway, many nasty fights after that, because i was not going to stop, i needed more money to survive. So i felt the relationship fading away.

    This is just complete bullshit! Lets all be who we are and accept others for who they are, yes we change, but i was changing to make $$$$, not love him any less. Do what you want hun! It's YOUR life, not his, he has his own to mamage. Trust is imnportant, not enough going around.

    Pamela

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    Senior Member Devinn4's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Pamela, WRT the porn.........I KNOW!!! His computer is LADEN with porn, although he CLAIMS that he uses literotica the most(right!) and that he doesn't watch the porn videos he owns anymore. He even got in crap from his parents because he had porn on THEIR computer because he goes there at least once a week.
    So you're exactly right...why can't I go do it? And I think he could STAND to be a little jealous about me after what he put me through. But I'm not doing it to make him jealous, I'm doing it because I want to and I need to make some money. He doesn't even want me waitressing there.

    But we'll see! It's so frustrating, though!

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    Veteran Member Topaz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    do what you feel you need to do to take care of your situation...do as you please...as far as i'm concerned...boyfriends (or anyone else for that matter)...have no say...is he paying your bills? did he buy your funiture?...your car?...no?...then he has no say in what you do...you...a grown woman...and love doesn't pay rent...

    just my
    Why do some people still have to fight...to get the same opportunities...that are given to others??...

    Look out for self...because noone else will...AND
    The greatest revenge in the world...is success...

    Reclusivness...is a good thing.

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    Senior Member Devinn4's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    "love doesn't pay rent".........that's a good point Topaz! And it is hard because I do care about him and I give him so much.

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    God/dess NinaDaisy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    This is not the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with. It's obvious from your posts that he doesn't want anything too serious, just serious enough to keep you under his thumb.

    If a man is unwilling or unable to take care of you, he really has little to no right to tell you how to earn a living. Even then, women should stand on their own two feet.

    And if he thinks that you'll get sucked into this downward spiral of drugs and alcohol just because you dance, apparently he doesn't think very highly of you either.

    If you told him you wanted to become an investment banker, would he "let" you do that, even though they're also rumored to do lots of coke?

    This is a question of ownership. He's trying to own you and you're letting him. But as long as that's an arrangement that you're both okay with, so be it. If you guys do break up, and you decide to dance, be extremely selective about who you date.

    I'm lucky enough to have found one of the .001% of men out there who doesn't have an issue with my job AND doesn't take/ask for/"borrow"/steal my money. They're rare.
    "She has written so well, and marvellously well, that I was completely ashamed of myself as a writer...But this girl, who is to my knowledge very unpleasant and we might even say a high-grade bitch, can write rings around all of us who consider ourselves as writers"

    Ernest Hemingway on writer, aviation pioneer and horse trainer Beryl Markham


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    Veteran Member pimpy718's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Quote Originally Posted by NinaDaisy
    If a man is unwilling or unable to take care of you, he really has little to no right to tell you how to earn a living. Even then, women should stand on their own two feet.

    Definetly. And why would you want to be with someone who puts u thru all this emotional bullshit? Cops? Ex-girlfriends? And telling u what to do? C'mon girl, this is the 21st Century!! Stand up for yourself.

    And if he thinks that you'll get sucked into this downward spiral of drugs and alcohol just because you dance, apparently he doesn't think very highly of you either.

    He obviously doesn't sound very intelligent either because he likes to stereotype a group of people. I don't know how many strippers he knows or has hung out with, but not every woman in the sex industry is a junkie.

    If you told him you wanted to become an investment banker, would he "let" you do that, even though they're also rumored to do lots of coke?

    LMFAO!!

    This is a question of ownership. He's trying to own you and you're letting him. But as long as that's an arrangement that you're both okay with, so be it. If you guys do break up, and you decide to dance, be extremely selective about who you date.

    Agreed NinaDaisy. I second this notion.
    And it's not like you guys are married. Obviously he's not that serious if he's piping his ex. Just a thought. Sorry if my advice comes off more bitchy, but it sounds like he's not ready to get serious/help you/pay your bills and you're more than that, right? Not suggesting dancing as a healthy alternative and that stripping gives you this 'GREAT LIFE' that you've always wanted-it has its ups and downs-but if you need money and he's not giving it 2 u, I wouldn't suggest taking HIS advice because he has NO OTHER ALTERNATIVES FOR YOU FINANCIALLY! Good luck, hun.

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    God/dess Lexi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    I stayed with a guy who didnt help me do shit for the entire 6 years I was with him. He was a great person, but a lazy bastard. I cared for him deeply and yet I dragged it on because I was afraid to be alone.

    Dont be afraid to be alone. If he wants to watch porn and get off looking at other women, then you can be someon else's fantasy as well. Aside from that... if YOU want to dance then you do it. Dont ever let anyone stop you from doing what you want to do.

    He's also not keen on letting you live with him if you lose your apartment: That says A LOT. So where would you go? On the streets? I'd check this guy before I went any further hun. Make sure your feelings are in the right place, as well as your mind because if not, you can get hurt...

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    Senior Member grace's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    In your first post, I notice your talk mainly about what your boyfriend wants and likes, not so much about yourself. I think you should probably be more concerned with what *you* want. Maybe if you were married or had kids, it would be a little different. But quite honestly this dude doesn't sound like a keeper. IMO it's best not to let anyone else make your decisions for you, but especially not someone you don't have much reason to trust, who may not even be around in a few years (or months.)

    So educate yourself as much as possible about this decision, and think about what you really want. Remember, trying it once doesn't commit you to anything. If you hate it, you can always stop.

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    Senior Member Devinn4's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Lexi, for one, I LOVE your picture, you have an amazing body, I hope you don't mind me saying! There are so many gorgeous girls on this forum! Two, I think you are pretty close to the mark......I might be a bit afraid to be alone. I have a bit of a mindset that I'm lucky to be with him because he puts up with me, has seen me at my worst and still wants to be with me. I'm glad you found the courage to leave your guy!

    Grace, I also like your point that trying it once doesn't mean I'm committed to it! Sometimes we forget these simple things, thanks for reminding me of that!!!

    So waitressing last night was so FUN! I was actually waitressing upstairs at ladies night selling shooters. Needless to say, bf was even more unhappy because I was working with male dancers all night. I just told him to get over it. He said that he'd have to come in and check up on me when I'm working, and I told him he'd better not. He said he hoped I wasn't using this a backdoor to get into dancing, and I just said that even if I was, he didn't have any say in it. I don't know what he's thinking!! He did manage to force a congratulations to me for finding a job, though

    Anyways, the thing that matters to ME is that a had a really fun night and I made some money!!!! I'm not there to pick up, as I'm sure none of you are when you're working, either!! I just need to survive, as we all do! And if I can have a good time doing it, then that's the best thing! I'll be with the ladies tonight, so I should be able to make some better tips from the men. Thanks for all your help, I'll keep you all posted(if you want me to, lol), especially if I get the chance to give dancing a shot!

  17. #17
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Sounds like you are heading in the right direction! Your direction!

    You go girl!!!!!!

    Pamela

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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    He was at first, then he became psycho on me....
    Don't do this, don't do that... Why this, why that....I hate it when you dance, your going to work again?......

    Luckily, I'm dating someone new who works in the club that I have known for years and understands the business...



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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Nina was too polite to use her trademark acronym here, so I hope she won't mind my hijacking of it:

    DTMA

    Dump The Motherfucker Already


    Tina's first post really says it all to me, as a guy, but as everyone here already knows, I'm odd like that.

    Two cents.
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    Featured Member GnBeret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Quote Originally Posted by Devinn4
    I don't know. I'm desperate for cash, I don't want to lose my apartment. He's not too keen on me living with him if I do lose it, because he just has a small bachelor pad, and yet he doesn't want to move in with me in my one bedroom to split the rent. He definitely doesn't make enough to support me, and I wouldn't want him to, either.

    I know I've heard on here "never let dancing come between a relationship", but What Do I Do???
    Come up with approximate income you expect to earn from dancing, give the number to him, and tell him to either "put up" or "shut up," i.e., commit to covering your forgone earnings (or at a bare minimum, your basic living expenses) or get the hell out of your way. He needs to grow up - if he can't provide you with a viable solution, he can't expect to have any say-so re your solution.
    "That's your answer Old Man? I guess you're a Hard Case too...."
    - Luke
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    - Boss, re Luke

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    it's that you can always see it coming, but you can never stop it.
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    Senior Member FoxyRoxIt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Your man has to understand that dancing is a job just like any other. He should be glad and proud that you're looking for a way to support yourself instead of sitting on your ass or mooching off of him. You have to take care of you first and foremost. And it doesn't sound like he's really helping you out or offering you any alternative. Even if you're madly in love with this dude, you can't let him decide how you live your life, if he really cares he will understand that you've got to do what you've got to do. You also said he doesn't want you getting into the "stripper lifestyle"...this is totally understandable but doesn't he trust you and know you well enough to see that you're not going to fall into a life of hard drugs and what not? Not all of us strippers do, from what I've seen actually most of us don't. You have to keep it professional, we're not partying every night, we're working.

    As far as self esteem, and mean comments...I think, or at least from my experience dancing builds your self esteem and makes you feel damn sexy about yourself, in and out of the club. The mean comments are just that, comments...Sticks and Stones darling...Sticks and Stones.
    See yourself in others, then whom can you hurt? What harm can you do? -Buddha

    Yessss...I Rock...Goddamit

  22. #22
    Senior Member voodoo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Quote Originally Posted by Devinn4
    I have a bit of a mindset that I'm lucky to be with him because he puts up with me, has seen me at my worst and still wants to be with me.
    You are not lucky to be with this guy. Someone "putting up with you?" Are you like a serial rapist or something? A Nazi? I know we all feel at some point that we've done terrible things in the past or we're too *insert whatever here* but the person we're with should not "put up" with us. It's an issue of loving and accepting and understanding. I don't want to sound harsh or anything but come on! He was sleeping with his ex (instead of you) and LIED to you about it. He doesn't want you to move into his apartment because he has a BACHELOR PAD??? Why does he need one if he's not a bachelor? And yet he doesn't offer any alternative to you losing your apartment and living on the streets. He wants to control your life and one of the ways he is doing this is by making you feel guilty for any decision you make. You decide to start dancing because you can't get a job elsewhere (that is how I started), and he says "no." (thus can make you feel guilty about going agaisnt his wishes later) You decide to conform to his views (giving him a hell of a lot more power over you) and trying waitressing instead and still he says "no." So, when are you going to learn that nothing you do is going to be okay? He is suspicious of your intentions, and doesn't have faith in you because of his comment about getting sucked into the "stripper lifestyle." Ultimately what he may be afraid of is you getting a life seperate from him.

    I have a feeling (from what I've experienced first hand, and what I've seen my friends of both genders go through) he might end up doing something extreme to "get back at you." I'm not saying that he is going to cheat on you necessarily, but I am saying he might do something you don't like and throw it in your face to make you quit stripping. Everything you have said about him makes me believe him to be an immature little asshole that is not interested in a serious relationship with you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Casual Observer
    Nina was too polite to use her trademark acronym here, so I hope she won't mind my hijacking of it:

    DTMA

    Dump The Motherfucker Already


    Tina's first post really says it all to me, as a guy, but as everyone here already knows, I'm odd like that.
    My guy supports me 100% and likes the fact that I dance because he KNOWS that I'm not a a whore and KNOWS how the business works and I communicate with him any problems I have with anything (him, the business, customers). It's a give-take. As much as I love him if he ever told me flat out what to do I would dump him. Men like that do exist if you stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve. Me and NinaDaisy both found one.

    I realize you're probably not going to break up with him. Love is a very strong (if not somewhat blinding) and if you feel strongly you'll try to work it out. (and it might work, too!) Good luck with that. But just bookmark this thread, and if things start to get rough and you need some encouragment come back here and see what people had to say with YOUR best interest in mind.

    Best of Luck! (I hope this wasn't too harsh!) Enjoy waitressing. And it IS a great way to get into dancing, btw. Keep us posted.
    Last edited by voodoo; 10-24-2004 at 11:06 AM.

  23. #23
    Member DarlingNiki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Quote Originally Posted by Devinn4
    Hi everyone,
    I'm in a pretty bad place financially, I'm trying like crazy to get a job, but right now it really doesn't seem all that promising! I've been curious about dancing for quite some time now, and think it would be a good way to at least get me back on my feet and make me some money to save until I can find a different job, or even so that I can go to school and then find a career. There aren't many places to dance where I live, so I would possibly have to take a trip to the states or tokyo, or just to the mainland.
    BUT......
    My boyfriend doesn't want me to do it at all. He doesn't like the idea of me dancing in the city we live in, because it is small, and although he says he's proud of me, he doesn't want to show ALL of me off to EVERYbody. He also is worried about the "stripper lifestyle", which he considers to be littered with drugs and alcohol.......but from talking to you guys, I think a LOT of you don't touch drugs, am I right? He worries about my self-esteem and me not being able to handle mean comments.

    I don't know. I'm desperate for cash, I don't want to lose my apartment. He's not too keen on me living with him if I do lose it, because he just has a small bachelor pad, and yet he doesn't want to move in with me in my one bedroom to split the rent. He definitely doesn't make enough to support me, and I wouldn't want him to, either.

    I know I've heard on here "never let dancing come between a relationship", but What Do I Do???
    Do what you need to do to take care of yourself!
    Make the money, dont let it make you!

  24. #24
    Veteran Member MisfitBunnie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    I'm in a bit similar of a situation but my boyfriend and I live together and he is a really great guy, does anything in the world for me but we aren't good financially. I want to save money and he doesn't save any. I just got fired from my job and don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to work in fast food again. I don't have a car. So much fuckin shit....

    I want to go back to dancing so bad but if I do it will be over and I don't know if I can handle losing him just for dancing. I wish he would be ok with it but he isn't. Is it selfish of me to feel this way? To feel like shit because he forced me to quit dancing almost a year ago and now I am in a bind and need money badly and I'm out of a job? Am I wrong to want to go back?

    Sorry, just babbling....this is all I ever have on my head especially since I lost my job a couple days ago.

    I'm just not happy.....
    "And Bill, lamenting how you never see a positive drug story on the news..."Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration and that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and you are the imagination of yourself. Here's Tom with the weather...!"- Bill Hicks, The Greatest Comedian Ever!

  25. #25
    Featured Member GnBeret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend okay with you dancing?

    Quote Originally Posted by MisfitBunnie
    I'm just not happy.....
    Aja. And you're not going to be until you do what YOU want to do and just let the chips fall where they may... or put another way, you be who you are and do what you want to do - and then let him decide whether he wants to take you as you are or not. Why would you want him anyway if not?
    "That's your answer Old Man? I guess you're a Hard Case too...."
    - Luke
    "Some men, you just can't reach...."
    - Boss, re Luke

    If there's one thing in my life these years have taught me,
    it's that you can always see it coming, but you can never stop it.
    -Cowboy Junkies

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