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Thread: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

  1. #1
    242_fair
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    Default I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    I’m having a pretty hard time lately with dealing with the job. I don’t know if this is a short low point or if I’ve really had it. Please don’t just tell me to quit since I can’t handle it, I’m not writing for advice, just to unload and compare experiences.

    I guess it wasn’t easy right from the start, but in the beginning there was the new money and excitment as a distraction. But nowadays, when the dance is over, there’s a lot of pain, and it lasts long after the music stops. It’s not that I cry in my car on the way home or something; actually, since I started this job I havn’t been able to cry at all. Someone very special to me died a couple months ago, and even though I was terribly sad, not a single tear came to me. Aside from getting the news, I didn’t even speak of the death at all to anyone. So I know I’m sitting on a lot of sadness, and other feelings too, that can’t come through any more because I need to build so many walls to do this.

    In the beginning I liked the darkness of the club, the smoke, and the red and black lights that obscured everything and made it easier to take it off. Now I feel like the darkenss is so symbolic, like the red lights shroud the evil around me. I can see it, the evil, so clearly now that I know where to look. Sometimes at my lowest points at work, I feel like this is what hell must be like: the evil people feel right at home, the drug pushers, liquor peddlers, the whores. Men seeking a stage to commit crimes without punishment find their lair in the strip club, to say the things they could otherwise not say, to do the things they otherwise could not do. Where else can a man assault a woman, or violently grab her breast and crotch, or penetrate a digit, or all of this at once, and fear no punishment?

    I feel so dirty all the time, I can’t wash my body or my bedding enough. I was douching so much to get the clean feeling that it caused an irritation in my vagina and so now I can’t do it any more and I just never feel clean.

    This weekend while I was with my boyfriend and we were having sex I suddenly felt so revolted that I had to concentrate so hard not to vomit, it was like having the worst flu I’ve ever had. And I didn’t, no, I couldn’t -- ask him to stop because it seems the correct order of things is that a man’s pleasure comes at my expense. And this guy is not a bad person, he’s a considerate lover.

    I feel like such a demented person, like when he touches me and I flinch, or he says he wants to have sex and I’m like ‘sure he just wants to fuck me, what the hell else am I good for anyway? its not like we can spend time together and NOT do something sexual, I mean, when was the last time THAT happened?’

    And he’s all like ‘why didn’t you come’ or whatever, and I just want to say ‘because emotionally I gave everything I have to my customers this week and theres nothing left for you, even a faker orgasm is too much for me to put on at this point, so sorry bout that and if you don’t mind then please don’t touch me right now since it makes me want to hurl’. But I can’t be honest to him, just like the men from work, because the truth is no fun, is it?

    Well this is where I’m at this week. Any one else care to share?

  2. #2
    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    I am so sorry you are feeling this bad about your job and life in general. You may actually be sick, and not getting treatment will make things continue to get worse. Print out a copy of what you just posted here, and take it to your family doctor. The kind of feelings you are having aren't good for anyone, and women in all occupations sometimes duffer like you are suffering right now.

    there is a thread about job burnout on the newbie board right now, but it sounds more like you are having life burnout. Definately need professional help. Do it for yourself!

    Take care and you know that we are here for you.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


  3. #3
    Veteran Member playboycntrfold's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    I am so sorry you are feeling this bad about your job and life in general. You may actually be sick, and not getting treatment will make things continue to get worse. Print out a copy of what you just posted here, and take it to your family doctor. The kind of feelings you are having aren't good for anyone, and women in all occupations sometimes duffer like you are suffering right now.

    there is a thread about job burnout on the newbie board right now, but it sounds more like you are having life burnout. Definately need professional help. Do it for yourself!

    Take care and you know that we are here for you.


    I conccur. This thread sent such waves of emotion over me that I've actually begun to cry a bit. I feel very bad about what you must be going thru and feeling right now. I couldn't image feelings of despair as intense as those. And I'm going to say a payer for you tonight. Please do discuss this with a professional that can help you make these feelings dissolve.

  4. #4
    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    Quote Originally Posted by 242_fair
    But I can’t be honest to him, just like the men from work, because the truth is no fun, is it?
    This is precisely why Paris' advice to seek help is your best course of action, as well as use this forum as a place to exhale/vent your feelings. And don't be afraid to dump individual counselors to seek out others that are more sympathetic and experienced with sex workers.

    You're sitting on and bottling up a LOT of stress, anxiety and feelings... and these things will only consume you and eventually escalate. Women without any form of outlet to expunge their feelings can only become more numb, build more walls and possibly turn to drugs, alcohol, promiscuity or other more harsh results. Therapy helps as there are just some things best said to a total stranger that wont allow judgements to intervene with your normal life. Like you said, they are not "fun" and dumping such things on people you have to see day to day can be uncomfortable.

    Your post is one of the most articulate and expressive versions of the 'same story' I've heard too numerous times to count in the past five years, so you are definately NOT alone. I'd danger saying quite common, normal and the end result is not always leaving the industry. True happiness can be found by locating a place to express and release these feelings, at which point building a harsh line of division between the sex worker and the woman that you are will become easier. Right now, you can't build that division since just picking out vitamins and hair-care products at Walgreens in a t-shirt and blue jeans has the 'stripper' inside brooding and manifesting those strong feelings.

    Paris' suggestion to do this for yourself is excellent and I'd also recommend doing other things for yourself at this time as well that are totally unrelated to your work. Treat yourself often to ice-cream or frozen yogurt. Pick up some bubble bath or body lotion. Maybe some fresh flowers for a vase in your home or other small things to reward yourself. Feeling good on the inside will also have the unseen benefit of effecting your income as well, so it's a win-win situation.

    Good luck and always remember there are people here for you!
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

  5. #5
    Banned All Good Things's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    I know you're not writing for advice. But your story just broke my heart and I don't even know you.

    Please, please, please consider seeing a professional who knows the industry. Even for a consultation. There is no reason on God's earth why you should feel this awful. Taking a "break" from work may also be a smart idea (I'd suggest you quit, but you ruled that out and I certainly respect that). You may also want to consider a club with much lower contact rules. The club where I am a regular has no laps, allows no touching and basically consists of nothing but conversation. It may be a much safer emotional environment for you.

    Do you have any girlfriends who could take you out for some time together? Building up your emotional support network may be the best way to feel better quickly.

    Please let us know what you've decided to do and also know that you can come back here any time for emotional support.

    With that, I'm going to get a drink and see if it makes me feel any better.

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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    Hi there,

    I am not a dancer, but I did suffer quite badly about 10 years ago from PTSD and depression. Please see someone. It is not normal to feel this way, and there is treatment and a light at the end of the tunnel. If you want more specifi advice, feel free to PM me, but please, please find help. Without it it only gets worse.

    Praying for you.
    How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?

  7. #7
    Member playgrlcntrfold's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    Hi there, I'm the SO of playboy. She pulled me over to our computer, and started to read me your post. And like my girl, I become a little emotional. I find myself worried, like you are a friend that I had had at one point. I know what it is like to think that you are in a hellish situation. But like everyone else i really hope that you go and seek a little professinal help (It worked for me).

  8. #8
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    LOL...Hi PGCF!!

    I'm disappointed, though that PBCF didn't have you introduce yourself in the "coming Out" board.

    Ah, well...nice to meet the man behind the woman.

    Fair...you need to go see a professional. In my experience, it's not the job that causes the behavior...it's the behavior that chooses the job. It's hard to go through, but you have two choices here...you can either deal with it now and get on with your life. OR, you can let it go, repress it, feel like this all the time...and when you're 56 years old start to deal with it.

    Lots of
    Venus

  9. #9
    242_fair
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    Ok thanks everyone. Last week was really bad (I.e:you may have seen my 'I gave a customer a black eye' post), and some foreign dancer didn't show up at work for four days and nobody's heard from her since she left work on Wednesday then this afternoon the cops come to my house (in uniform for all neighbors to see) and several of the other dancer's house to ask if we know who might have killed/ raped/ kidnapped her. So yes I need a break. And maybe a shrink too. Ok. thanks for the support ladies.

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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    A lot of the things you've said you've been feeling are the same feelings that rape, assault, and molestation victims have said they've experienced.
    Do you think this could be due to what happened to you recently in your club? Or did you start to feel this way even before you had to hit the customer? If you felt this way before, maybe you could either try doing lower-contact dances at work (you will have to stand up for yourself and not let any customer do anything that would make you feel bad or uncomfortable) or you could go to a club where all the girls are still forced to do low contact dances.
    But if this is a direct result of the incident that happened recently to you, I too feel that you probably should talk to a professional about it.
    I've also worked at clubs where girls have died. Four girls in Austin over the years that I've known have commited suicide, three died from drunk driving, one in Dallas was found in a dumpster after she left the club with a customer, and countless others have died from drug related instances. Feel free to PM me if you feel that talking to someone else who has lost co-workers may help you sort through your feelings.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Fuschia's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    I was so glad to read this tonight. I just got home, after a horrible shift at work. Ohio is a good deal more high contact than I am used to (I danced in South Jersey, but years ago) and tonight, honestly I was too tired and discouraged to fight these guys off. Of course, some chick, not a dancer, a chick who was hanging out at the club came over to me in the bathroom to tell me how I shouldn't let guys touch me, that it was disgusting, etc. Mind you, it wasn't like his hand was all up in me, or anything, he just brushed my nipples (not allowed, but it happens) and groped my butt a bit. Anyway, this really upset me, and I've been feeling dirty and gross all night, to the point were my laps and tables were more air dances than anything. I've been back to dancing for 3 months now, and was pretty much fine until tonight. I know part of it was just that I shouldn't let myself become discouraged or unable to set my boundaries. *sigh*

    Usually though, I would bottle it up and not let it out, but I am really glad I can express this to you guys, even though I am new. 242_Fair, I hope getting it out does help you. I know I will be taking some of the advice given here.

    Fuschia

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    Even though I find your post disturbing, I find it comforting at the same time because I can relate to it on many levels. I'd really prefer not to list the details of feeling dirty, but I do.

    I've decided to check out therapists tonight (wrote a post about this in Ladies Only). I sent out some e-mails and ask friends for recommendations. I don't know if it'll fix it, but we'll see if it helps.

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    Gosh, I can't stop reading that post, 242.

    it gives me chills every time, even as I write this. I think a lot of what you wrote is the first time I've thought of it that way, especially the last paragraph.

    The luxuries of this job do not come without consequences and it's becoming more and more apparent.

  14. #14
    Veteran Member Katharine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    I'd say Get the hell away from that club, and definatly go some place else.... or take a much needed break. away from men. and clubs,with some much needed pampering. hang with girlfriends. go see a movie... and shopping and girl stuff. after you start to feel better, and more rejuvinated, find a no contact club.
    Last edited by VenusGoddess; 11-08-2004 at 08:53 AM.

  15. #15
    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    And people say $20 a dance is easy, easy money...

    Might not be Alaskan crab fishing in the Bering, but in some ways for some folks, it's probably much worse.

    Best wishes on your journey, 242.

    <S> 242
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

  16. #16
    Senior Member grace's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    Hey there, Fair. I agree with others that it might be a good idea to find a counselor. It sounds like you have a lot of pent-up negative feelings that need to be released safely. Your description of how you see the world reminds me of how I felt when I was clinically depressed. I wasn't dancing at the time, so didn't have the same things to deal with, but the world did seem like a terrible, frightening place. If you feel this way, it's not a weakness; it's a treatable, manageable condition, like asthma or anemia. Getting professional help is just the rational thing to do.

    You might also want to listen to yourself; maybe you're afraid and upset for a good reason. Your current club does sound like a stressful, high-contact place, to say the least. Maybe shop around for another. If you can afford it, take some time off and unwind.

    Most of all, pay attention to your feelings, and do what you need to do to feel better. Feelings like this won't just go away. They'll be with you until you deal with them. The sooner you start to heal yourself, the easier and faster it will be. You WILL feel better someday. I wouldn't have beleived that if anyone had told me while I was still depressed. But once you start to feel better, the fear and negativity fade out of your mind until they don't even seem real when your remember them, like a nightmare that you've woken up from.

  17. #17
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    fair ......<hugz> <hugz> <hugs>

    I can feel your pain

  18. #18
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: I'm OK, Your OK? Nope. I'm not OK today.

    I know these feelings. But I came from a very dysfunctional background, so it didn't seem such a leap to be working in a bar full of lowlifes and crazies. How did I grow? I ended up working for a Vietnam vet and his SF buddies when I had reached a low point in my life due to dancing AND boyfriend woes...I ended up being around people who were "kill or die" tough, which adjusted my worldview considerably........made me hard.
    I also combat the harm this business does by fighting back. Like your manager said, it's better for girls to fight back, or they start "self-medicating." I'm lucky I have not been fired.....but nothing will ever stop me from giving someone something they deserve, good or bad.
    If you feel this bad, you need some time off. Some people have terrible burdens that come with their chosen profession. For example, I looked into being an EMT, and my family stopped me- they knew I was too sweet and innocent at that point in time to handle such a negative job. The burnout rate for police, firemen and paramedics is high. The are exposed to trauma, violence and nonsense. The worst things in the world.....
    I truly believe we absorb some of people's energy when we're around them.....and we feel a shadow of the predatory and cruel that come to strip clubs to take advantage of something good they cannot have in real life, for whatever reason.....
    It does take a terrible toll.
    We know how you feel and we're there for you.

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