I wish I could take credit for this, but I found it on craigslist:
--------------------------
1. Penis size kinda really matters.
We will almost always tell you that it doesn't because we are very aware that if we do, you will wonder how many penises we've actually seen such that we are able to compare yours to the "average". To take this a step further, we are acutely aware that your brain functions at a lower level and has difficulty separating objects of your visual imagination from reality - still with me boys? I am telling you that we are steps ahead of you, and we know the second we say size matters, its a short trip in your mind between wondering where you fit in and the "obvious fact" that your girl knows about various sizes because of getting puckered by Tyrone's enormous purple sledgehammer. Then not only is your girl a whore, but you had a real clear image of T's gnarly member and you KNOW you aren't THAT big! And whose fault is that? Hers. Once you're thinking THAT way, we lose footing in controlling you. So we tell you its fine just the way it is. (cooh...) Now the reason I say your dick size only "kinda" matters is because we have picked you for a NUMBER of possible uses (we women multitask). Just because you can't ram it to us as good as some have, doesn't mean you don't have cash, social, public or romantic value and if we admited your dick was too small we wouldn't be able to get any of that outta you before we go off in search of our next Tyrone. Besides, you do NOT want to believe you are dinky so you will believe anything we say as an answer to this question.... (no baby its the motion of the ocean... or, you are purrrfect for ME, or you are the best lover I have ever had).
2. We are supremely conniving.
It is as much a choice as it is an inevitability. Honestly you boys should just surrender to it, because you NEED us to be this way. We are the Cheney to your Bush.
Women are naturally more intelligent than men. Like men, we are aware of the day to day operations of things but we also have skills where you lack them. Social relationships. We have an inherent understanding of motivations, intentions, meaning, behaviors, expressions, attitudes and feelings. It is instinctual. We ALSO tend to think in terms of systems rather than isolated parts (ie., Jennifer instead of Her Tit).
As futher evidence of our superior intelligence, look at the difference in our games; when you play, there's a ball and it has to go in a fixed goal a certain number of times. In between the "players" kick the shit out of each other. In our game the "goal" shifts, the "players" are often invisible, and the game can go on as long as we want it to! Its like the difference between Checkers and War.
Funny thing is, this "game theory" might provide valuable insight to the relative size of your dick! If your dick is too small, and you bore us, we play the game to drive you crazy. It's fun. We start speaking in language we KNOW you can't understand, talking in bed at night till the wee hours, talking about relationships, twisting your words, interrogating you, watching you squirm, doubt yourselves, question everything. If your dick is big, or we really really love you (probably same difference) then we play our game to make you more powerful in the world so that we can get more stuff.
Most of the time when you think you are "dumping your girl" we have actually been sabotaging the relationship for months leaving you to think YOU were the bad guy. As long as you think you were the one leaving, you don't have to do much soul searching, and then you never grow, which leaves you further behind. We win again!
3. We expect you to pay.
Yes of course we know that we don't NEED you to pay the way we did back when you controlled us legally. Why should that matter to us if we can still manipulate you into paying? Taking out the trash? Opening the doors? Giving us your coat? Yeah so, we got the vote... whoever said we had to stop there? Why can't we have equal rights AND garner as much physical and financial support from you boys as we are intelligent enough to fool you out of?
When a woman says she doesn't care about money, be very cautious. That's just like her saying she doesn't care if your dick is small because size doesn't matter. You are being set up.
The women who come right on out and ask you to buy her things are at least respecting you enough to be direct. When someone says she wont accept less than 3 karats, marry that woman!
If she does that, AND talks in bed about relationships, you might as well just give her your pin number.
See, we women have GREAT imagination. We don't need you to look like Johnny Depp, because when our minds are employed for our own gain, nothing else matters. We close our eyes and Johnny Depp is there, WITH Tyrone's dick.
But when we are sharing our energy and air with you, during the day to day of living, you MUST do better. If you don't give us Huge Dick, don't give us mental stimulation, and don't look like Johnny Depp, then you better bring us mad bling - Otherwise you are a disease the $20 cure for which is 9 inches of battery driven rubberluuv.
4. You are not the only ones who are cheating, looking or dishonest!
Why, if we know that you boys are the way you are, would we ever sit around and wait for that crap?
Darlings, we are the MASTERS of pre-emptive cheating. Generally speaking we don't even get into relationships unless we have a few back-ups. We like to go out dressed all sexy because this keeps us in constant supply, and frankly, we know within SECONDS wether your buddies want to do us or not. We flirt with them when you aren't looking and when you are but are too cocky to believe it.
This whole "waaaaaaaaaa all men are cheaters!' routine is part of the ploy! It is so easy to convince you boys that we have only ever slept with like 3 other men in our lives (all of whom were the rots until YOU came along) and that we are so put upon by your terrible deception, when in reality, we are CONSTANTLY seeking out possible outs.
Every man you know or walk by is compared not ONLY to you, but to Tyrone. The world is a big ruler for men and their relative bling factor. You are never safe. We are simply faaaaaar more manipulative.
5. We LOVE to talk to our friends about your flaws.
No way around this one. Every single friend of your girlfriend/date/bootycall is aware of every detail about you that you would prefer to keep hidden.
They know about that bizarre thatch of ape hair you shave or try to keep hidden, about how your underwear has shit tracks, that you forget to flush, about your bald spot and the way you worry over it, about every single episode of impotence,how much you make at your job, about that ridiculous facial expression you make when you cum, about how your most painful emotional secrets, when your cum comes out in clumps instead of the healthy way, about your porn collection, your love-handles, your dick size, your bank account, your worst habits.
If there is one thing that you take from reading this post, DO NOT BELIEVE IT if your girl tells you she doesn't tell her friends this stuff.
Every friend of your girlfriend that you meet (most likely before she even meets you) knows ALL of these details about you and more. I have more male friends than female and they know all this stuff too. So does my sister, and my mother knows a bunch. We LOVE to talk about it. Its what we do while we shop, or go to the "powder room" together. Why do you think we talk on the PHONE so much? There is SO much to talk about!
6. We fake it - at least some of the time.
Gone are the days of faking it so that we don't hurt your ego, we have better reasons to fake it now.
We fake it when you suck at what you are doing so badly that we have completely lost interest. We fake it because because your ego's are so fragile that often you can't get off until you have a reasonable cause to believe you are performing adequately. If you really wanted us not to fake it, you might try cuddling after you cum. Because see, we know as soon as you blow we can get onto whatever we were REALLY thinking about doing while you were pumping, like filing our nails. ho hum.
Sometimes we fake it because we can, and its part of the game to see how easily we can trick you. By the way, you fall for it every time.
I like to have orgasms, so if I am into you enough, I will take the time and effort to show you how. But honestly for as much as you guys love fucking, one would think you would pick-it up a little quicker! You just don't learn very fast, and as I mentioned before, we get bored with you blokes very easily. In the end, when that is the case, we fake it because if we say "you suck, get off me and go home" this inspires more in the way of Tyrone comparison, and after you leave, we have become the "whore" again for having known what GOOD fucking was in the first place. (read: not you).
7. We really do like beer.
Beer is great, especially in the little bottles. What we don't like is having to endure your transparent ego and mundane conversation. So we drink mixed drinks because we can drink less get even more drunk, not have to pee as much and hell you seem a WHOLE lot more interesting and attractive. Without it, we wouldn't be there with you. Men are like sperm. For every one of you there are like thousands of others trying to get in.
8. We really do use sex as a weapon.
It is far far more extensive than you can even imagine. All that I am allowed to tell you is that we use sex in every single aspect of our relationships with you, we know we are doing it, and what we are doing, we know the effects, and we know the outcomes. From the very first time you lay eyes on us, to the fights, to meeting your family, and making your toast. On top of that, if we do our job well, we get you to pay for the very weapons we use in this battle. Witholding sex after an argument is kidstuff. You have no idea.
9. We like bad boys for a reason.
Its easier to cheat a cheat. A prophet is never believed in his own home town. The person most likely to buy what you're selling is a salesman.
10. We do NOT like your mother.
Ever. We fake that too.



Reply With Quote

Bad pun I know





Bookmarks