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Thread: How to Help a Friend

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    How to Help a Friend

    I recently learned from a mutual friend that a dancer friend of mine is involved in an abusive relationship with her bf. She left him after he physically assaulted her; but he's been emotionally abusive for some time. Even now, he's called her to insult her and make her feel she can't do any better than him. NOBODY deserves that kind of treatment.

    I've known this girl for a few months. I met her at her club as a customer; but we just seemed to hit it off as friends. We meet for lunch and talk on the phone a few times a week. I care about her and this situation worries me greatly.

    I found out about services to help her (restraining orders, etc.). Of course, I'd do anything I could as well. I'm not sure how best to bring up the subject (I don't want her to feel that I'm intruding in her life.) From those who've had experience with abuse, is there anything a friend did or said that helped or made you feel better? Mainly, I want her to know she's not alone.

    Thanks in advance for your replies.

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    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    If she's with him, loves him.....It's going to be hard to break from that. I've had plenty of friends that were in abusive relationships. I warned them, paid for them to move out, helped with lawyers, helped get them a restraining order...etc. It doesn't work. They've all stayed, and have continued to get abused.

    It's hard to tell someone that's in love...."This isn't working for you". They don't want to hear it, it's sad.

    I suggest being there for her. It's a long road with many tears.

    My best friend from since I was a kid is in a very abusive relationship. He's beat this woman black and blue. She's had several miscarriages because of his pathetic ass. I've paid for her to leave him time and time again (apartments, airfare, and such)......She even lived with me for the past two months to get out of that situation.

    Last night.....He knocked on my door at 3 am. He was crying, yelling, etc. He wanted her back. I kept pleading with her to stay....Guess where she went? Directly back to him.

    I love her more than anything but she has to live her life.

    I am still pissed off about that but what can you do?


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    God/dess SonicBones's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Any man that hits a woman is a pussy to me plain and simple.I had this instilled in me at a very early age by my father. In self-defense I would protect myself.I have never, nor will I ever be involved in a relationship that becomes violent.If someone I love has that much power over me to enrage me so that I can lose control and harm them just to show how strong my love is that's a sick relationship. Co-dependent sick relationships tend to go up in flames taking casualties.I'll always walk before it comes to that.Besides if you truley love someone/something why destroy them/it?

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    Featured Member FONDL's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    We've been talking about manipulation on another thread (Sluts and Slobs II). This to me is manipulation at its worst. And that's what abuse is, a manipulative tool. I've never understood why so many attractive women fall for these Mr. Macho Man dickheads when there are so many nice guys out there. But you all are right, there isn't anything you can do about it other than lend emotional support, she has to learn to make better decisions and live her own life. But you need to be careful that you're not drawn into the situation or you can get hurt too.
    Friends Of Naked Dancing Ladies (FONDL)

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    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Quote Originally Posted by FONDL
    I've never understood why so many attractive women fall for these Mr. Macho Man dickheads when there are so many nice guys out there.
    Well, That's simple.

    It's called Low self esteem. Some women believe that love can solve everything. If he loves you, He'll stop hitting you. If he loves you, He won't call you names anymore. You spend a great deal of time hoping and believing for that, You lose yourself. That image of a 'perfect man' you had inside of your mind, slowly fades. So while James is beating you and calling you names....You start thinking,"Hmmm. Maybe he's right. Maybe this is all I deserve". Men like that enjoy making women feel beneath them, as if they could do no better. It's about control, and mind games. I honestly think those types of men are scared. Why? They are scared that person is going to leave. So why not damage her enough to make her feel she deserves nothing better?

    It also stems back from childhood, at times. History doesn't always repeat itself, but it indeed can. Boys look up to their fathers.....If their father abused their mother, and they taught their children this is what's right. It'll proceed into his adulthood until he learns something else, or dies.

    With that said, I've been in an emotional abusive relationship. It was never physically abuse but I am sure it would have eventually led to it. His freedom and how he slept at night was holding me down (emotionally).

    Luckily I got out of the situation, surprisingly.....Because I was that same person repeating the words "He'll change". My dad completely pulled me out of that situation, Yanked me from it, literally. I grew up knowing how a man treats a woman....My parents have been together 30 years, and my dad has hardly ever raised his voice to my mother. He sees her as the best thing since potato chips. Yet I still was stupid enough to believe what a guy was saying to me.......

    In short.....That's how it can happen.


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Well, I myself have been through a very physical abusive relationship in the past and I can tell you that once a guy beats you that far down in your self confidence.
    It is sooooo hard to see a way out and you feel like killing yourself. I really felt this way and many girls do when they get to this point. You feel like either kill yourself or be killed. You feel like you will never escape this man. You get hit for no reason! You feel like you're always deserving it, you try to convince yourself that "he's only doing it for my own good" or "he loves me and he's just hitting me because I have done something wrong" I'm serious. This is the kinds of stuff that goes through your head especially if you have no self confidence to begin with-like I did at the time. Whewww...sorry for rant, let me regain my focus..
    I still have nightmares to this day about it and exactly how I went about escaping is something almost unheard of.
    At the time my only escape from reality was the computer and going into chat rooms.Well I met a guy on the internet and told him about my personal problems and we started talking for a few months.
    One day at work I found out that my abusive husband was going to kill me or have some of his friends do so because I had started fighting back by this time-mostly because the guy i'd met on the internet had been talking to me about fighting back and making me feel like I could escape. The advice he gave me was "don't keep crying and feeling that your life is worth nothing. Get angry, fight back, show that bastard that you won't take it anymore. You have to be strong." so I sat and i thought about it and it did make me angry. It actually enraged me to the point where the next time my husband touched me I went off on him and let all of that rage surface and well it was not a pretty sight. My husband realized that I was fighting back and he did NOT like that and he was feeling like he was losing control of the situation.
    To make a long story short- It came down to two choices either stay and keep being a slave and possibly be killed or take a chance to trust this guy on the internet who could end up killing me anyway. I chose the internet guy and so he came down one day after my husband was at work. I scrambled to get together everything important that I was taking and then I left with him.
    Well the internet guy who had become my friend turned out to be completely harmless and we are best friends now. However THIS IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. I was very lucky in this situation and I am so thankful that I am alive.
    I think as a friend you should let her know that you are there for her. It took a stranger who became my friend for me to realize just how far down that my husband had beaten me.
    The girl probably feels the same as I did. She's probably having feelings of hoplessness and despair, fear of him killing her if she tries to leave, fear of being alone...these are reasons that will make a girl stay with a guy like that. For the longest time these were my reasons.

    This subject really hits home for me because as I recall this, my eyes are starting to get watery. This was eight years ago that I went through all of this and yet it STILL affects me today. When/if this girl does escape the guy, it will be a long time before she escapes the horrible memories and nightmares. It will take a good friend to be there for her. WHen i got out i constantly had talks over and over about the whole thing until I started to finally realize that I could finally let it go for the most part. I've moved on, though I am still haunted by images of the past that no matter how I try I can't forget them-especially when I read something like this. I hope and pray that your friend can get out of it. All that you can do is encourage her. I agree with the others about you should be careful not to get into the situation yourself because it could get really ugly.
    But it will all boil down to how strong this girl is, and if she wants to take the step of getting out of the situation or not.
    Sorry this was so long, I just wanted to give you my point of view coming from a former abusive relationship.

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    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Quote Originally Posted by crystalstarfire
    Well, I myself have been through a very physical abusive relationship in the past and I can tell you that once a guy beats you that far down in your self confidence.
    It is sooooo hard to see a way out and you feel like killing yourself. I really felt this way and many girls do when they get to this point. You feel like either kill yourself or be killed. You feel like you will never escape this man. You get hit for no reason! You feel like you're always deserving it, you try to convince yourself that "he's only doing it for my own good" or "he loves me and he's just hitting me because I have done something wrong" I'm serious. This is the kinds of stuff that goes through your head especially if you have no self confidence to begin with-like I did at the time. Whewww...sorry for rant, let me regain my focus..
    I still have nightmares to this day about it and exactly how I went about escaping is something almost unheard of.
    At the time my only escape from reality was the computer and going into chat rooms.Well I met a guy on the internet and told him about my personal problems and we started talking for a few months.
    One day at work I found out that my abusive husband was going to kill me or have some of his friends do so because I had started fighting back by this time-mostly because the guy i'd met on the internet had been talking to me about fighting back and making me feel like I could escape. The advice he gave me was "don't keep crying and feeling that your life is worth nothing. Get angry, fight back, show that bastard that you won't take it anymore. You have to be strong." so I sat and i thought about it and it did make me angry. It actually enraged me to the point where the next time my husband touched me I went off on him and let all of that rage surface and well it was not a pretty sight. My husband realized that I was fighting back and he did NOT like that and he was feeling like he was losing control of the situation.
    To make a long story short- It came down to two choices either stay and keep being a slave and possibly be killed or take a chance to trust this guy on the internet who could end up killing me anyway. I chose the internet guy and so he came down one day after my husband was at work. I scrambled to get together everything important that I was taking and then I left with him.
    Well the internet guy who had become my friend turned out to be completely harmless and we are best friends now. However THIS IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. I was very lucky in this situation and I am so thankful that I am alive.
    I think as a friend you should let her know that you are there for her. It took a stranger who became my friend for me to realize just how far down that my husband had beaten me.
    The girl probably feels the same as I did. She's probably having feelings of hoplessness and despair, fear of him killing her if she tries to leave, fear of being alone...these are reasons that will make a girl stay with a guy like that. For the longest time these were my reasons.

    This subject really hits home for me because as I recall this, my eyes are starting to get watery. This was eight years ago that I went through all of this and yet it STILL affects me today. When/if this girl does escape the guy, it will be a long time before she escapes the horrible memories and nightmares. It will take a good friend to be there for her. WHen i got out i constantly had talks over and over about the whole thing until I started to finally realize that I could finally let it go for the most part. I've moved on, though I am still haunted by images of the past that no matter how I try I can't forget them-especially when I read something like this. I hope and pray that your friend can get out of it. All that you can do is encourage her. I agree with the others about you should be careful not to get into the situation yourself because it could get really ugly.
    But it will all boil down to how strong this girl is, and if she wants to take the step of getting out of the situation or not.
    Sorry this was so long, I just wanted to give you my point of view coming from a former abusive relationship.
    Time heals a lot of wounds.


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    Featured Member FONDL's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Crystalstarfire, I think your post should be required reading for everyone on this site. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    And Rose Delight, I agree with you. But don't I remember a thread some time ago where most of the dancers argued that low self esteem wasn't nearly as common among dancers as some of us believe?
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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Quote Originally Posted by FONDL
    Crystalstarfire, I think your post should be required reading for everyone on this site. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    And Rose Delight, I agree with you. But don't I remember a thread some time ago where most of the dancers argued that low self esteem wasn't nearly as common among dancers as some of us believe?
    Hmmm....I don't remember such a thread.

    But I am speaking as a woman in general, not as a dancer.


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    I am a victem as well!I got involved with this guy that I thought the world of,He was tall,strong and handsome!He treated me like his Queen.All the girls would envy me,For the first few months I was very happy,until I slept with him and he took ownership of me and all the abuse began.He was very abusive,Physically and emotionally.And I agree that it is a controling thing and that it stems from when they are young.His father beat his mother and treated her horribly.Out of nowhere he beat the shit out of me because I was late in meeting him and he was worried!I never was physically or emotionally abused and was in shock.Like rose said,I was beaten down and was telling myself I didn't deserve better and deserved this after the shock worn off.I then began to lie,and tell my family and friends taht my foot was broke due to I tripped doing this and the black eye I had this time was I fell and hit my eye.It became apart of my secret life.One time my mom confronted him and asked him if he was hitting me and he answered her no,and she said bcause if you are ,you will have to answer to alot of people,Meaning my three brothers and my 3 sisters and the rest of my incredably large family.I was sio scared when She confronted him,He said to me after that,Why is she asking me this?Did you say anything to her?I pleaded with him to believe I was shocked that she said that and didn't say anything.Well unfotunately I stayed with him for a few yrs. got pregnant had his son,Great kid.But One day I packed up after having enough of his bullshit and called my father and told him to come and get me and told him all about the beatings years later.He was the craziest guy I have ever met nevertheless I was with him and am still alive.He beet me so bad when I was pregnant,I thought he was trying to give me a miscarriage,but my son is tough and lived He left me so battered I didn'r recognize myself in the mirror and just cried when I saw my face.I hid out in the bedroom till My face swelled down for a week.I really hate him now but that's hidden from my son,I tell my son how great his father is because I know kids make role models of their parents and I would hate for my son to be a monster like his father.EWhat gets me is his father was stunningly handsome and so funny and everyone loves him but he treats a woman like hell,He has held an oozie to my head and almost shot me until I turned to him with a bloody face ,concerned ,for my life and looked him in the eye and he grabbed me and hugged me saying omg,I'm so sorry!I blacked out!I seen blood and it made me wake up!Man telling you about it I realise how sick and dangerous he was and how lucky I am to be alive,but at that time I thought I can help him that he was hurt and I could make him feel better and thaty I can save him from his tortured mind,Wow.I'm glad that's over.I never thought of myself as dealing with a guys crap I had a friend whos boyfriend slapped her and I said why are you still with him,everyone thought I was so strong and touch and wouldn't deal with physical abuse but,It is somethimg I fell into,suprising how tough I thought myself to be.

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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Wow, Tiamaria...I am sorry to hear about your experience! Mine wasn't nearly as bad but my heart goes out to you. I am glad you're out of that situation, I'd hate to see something happen to you, love


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    God/dess tiamaria's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Thanks Rose

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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    Thanks to everyone for their insightful and touching replies. They certainly reinforce the complexities and dangers of abusive relationships. Yet, they also give hope that it is possible to leave and rebuild a healthy self-image.

    As many have said, the best thing I can do for my friend is to be there for her.

    She's an intelligent, charming, beautiful person who could do anything she wanted or be with anyone she chose. I think she doesn't truly believe that about herself. She'll get there though. If she needs a little laugh, a little cry, or just a friendly voice along the way; well, that's what friends are for.
    Thanks again and my wishes that everyone has the great relationships they deserve.

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    Default Re: How to Help a Friend

    IMO, the best thing you can do for her is reinforce her positive self-image. When you talk to her, use any example you see to point out the good in her as a person. Don't overkill, because she will ignore it and/or chalk it up to you trying to get in her pants. But positive reinforcement can go a long way in helping someone see they are worth more and don't deserve the abuse. Be constant in her life, don't try to push her, but show (not tell) her that you are there for her. She needs someone dependable who isn't trying to take advantage of her.

    However, I would caution you not to try too hard. You don't know how she sees you, and if she herself hasn't admitted to you that she's in a bad situation, I see it as a sign she doesn't trust you. She may very well just see you as some PL and if you try to get too close you may wind up getting used/abused yourself. Tread carefully.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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