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Thread: Still Friends?

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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Still Friends?

    How do you feel about you S.O. being friends with an ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend?

    Do you think it's ok for them to talk on the phone every day?

    Is it ok for your man/woman to go out to lunch or dinner with an ex claiming they are just good friends?

    Do you feel that when you break up, that all ties should be cut?




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    God/dess A_Guy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by VADEN
    How do you feel about you S.O. being friends with an ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend?

    I see nothing wrong with it... If I ever do break up with my gf, I hope we would be able to remain friends.
    Do you think it's ok for them to talk on the phone every day?

    that's somewhat excessive... I would talk to my best friend everyday... and if I'm in a good relationship, I would hope my SO is my best friend. I dunno. If I was in that situation, I would probably be a little critical.
    Is it ok for your man/woman to go out to lunch or dinner with an ex claiming they are just good friends?

    How often are we talking here? Once or twice is fine, but if it's as frequent as the phone conversations, I'd be suspicious.
    Do you feel that when you break up, that all ties should be cut?

    absolutely not. If the relationship was abusive, or degrading, etc., then I would hope all ties would be broken. However, if it was "just not working out", then it is still possible to remain friends. In my case, our lives are too integrated right now anyways... we have the same group of friends, we know our families well.. it would be difficult to simply to break all ties without effecting these other relationships.

    Everything ok V?

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    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    a friend is a friend in my book...ex or not.

    Someone is going to cheat or not cheat...regardless of who its with.

    I could care less....im still great friends with all of my ex's ....we dont talk everyday...maybe once a week. Maybe more...maybe less...depends on the week.

    All ties dont need to be cut...that depends on the other person...its not your relationship. Its not your ex. Respect what your SO chooses to do. If you dont trust him....then you shouldnt be with him. If you think there's another reason that he talks to their ex so much...ask him.

    What do you consider an ex...anyone he's ever slept with? been in a relationship with? dated? where do you draw the line of an ex and who he can and cant talk to.

    Im not a fan of "rules" and people telling me what I should or shouldnt do. And I dont tell people what they should or shouldnt do. I may suggest something or ask why they do something, but its up to them to do what they want.

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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Thanks AGuy.
    Last edited by VADEN; 01-16-2005 at 09:56 AM.



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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    ....................
    Last edited by VADEN; 01-16-2005 at 09:56 AM.



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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    I would have a huge problem with my man talking to his ex every day. WTF do they have to talk about that is so important? And isn't it time for both to let go and move on? These are questions that would be ringing in my head.


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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    .................
    Last edited by VADEN; 01-16-2005 at 09:57 AM.



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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Thanks for your opinions guys, I guess I really needed to vent here... thanks for listening...



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    God/dess A_Guy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by VADEN
    Thanks for your opinions guys, I guess I really needed to vent here... thanks for listening...
    you bet V

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    Featured Member Hottie7268's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by VADEN
    How do you feel about you S.O. being friends with an ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend?

    Do you think it's ok for them to talk on the phone every day?

    Is it ok for your man/woman to go out to lunch or dinner with an ex claiming they are just good friends?

    Do you feel that when you break up, that all ties should be cut?

    HI VADEN!!!!! I miss you hunny bunny!!!!! Is that your tush in the avatar? Looks muy caliente!!!!!

    Anyway, I think it's ok to stay friends after a break-up, so long as it's just friends. I think it's a good sign for future relationships. If my bf only has ex's that hate him and won't speak to him, I tend to wonder what the reason is for it. Plus, a relationship is and should be based on a friendship first and foremost so why shouldn't you be friends after it ends romantically? Of course, there are circumstances where a friendship afterwards just isn't in the cards, and that's ok too. Whatever creams your twinkie, right?

    As far as going out to lunch, sure I think it's ok so long as it's a platonic, friendly lunch.....not some hormonally driven meal with hints of romance sprinkled throughout the conversation. That's a no-no in my book.

    Do I think it's ok for him to speak to his ex via telephone everyday? Ummmm.....no. And frankly, it's unhealthy if he's in a relationship with someone else and speaking with an ex everyday. Once in a while is fine, daily is a no-no too.

    Are you asking these questions hypothetically or because you're dealing with this issue right now?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



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    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by VADEN
    They are still such "great friends", that when she goes out of town, instead of asking her boyfriend to take her dogs out for her while she is gone, she calls up my man to ask him to do the job...

    Her and I both work until 2 a.m.

    She has called him before after she gets off work and him and I are laying in bed together at 3 in the morning to tell him about her "bad night" at work....
    WOW...thats some shit

    He needs to respect your relationship a little more.

    Like I said...i wouldnt tell anyone not to do something. But I would tell them that it bothered me. If they dont change it....then its time to let it go. She can call all she wants...but he doesnt need to answer his phone. Especially not at 3AM, and especially not when hes with you.

    I wont say...dont have anyone call you at 3AM....but if its something that bothers me, I would make it clear to them and let them decide how they want to handle it.

    Sounds like shes way attached to him...and he probably just likes knowing that or doesnt want to tell her to stop.

    Just tell him about it more clearly....dont set any boundries...let him make the choice....if he doesnt change and its something you can live with so be it....if you cant live with it....time to move on.

    Good luck V

    NOTE:
    Once Again...im young and everyone is going to say im idealistic and unrealistic....but i can afford to be that way since i am young. I dont want to change people(that never works) and I dont want to settle.

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    Featured Member Hottie7268's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by VADEN
    They are still such "great friends", that when she goes out of town, instead of asking her boyfriend to take her dogs out for her while she is gone, she calls up my man to ask him to do the job...

    Her and I both work until 2 a.m.

    She has called him before after she gets off work and him and I are laying in bed together at 3 in the morning to tell him about her "bad night" at work....


    ummmm...ok. DUH. Answers my question in my last post.


    Vaden, ask him point blank how he'd like it if your ex did that. Tell him it bugs you. I'd feel the same as you if my bf's ex was like that. Want me to bite her?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    I would never be friends with an Ex., but that's just me.

    If we ended up in good terms, you know one of us still has some sort of feeling. One of my ex's who I ended up in good terms with is still in love with me. But I don't want to be his friend bc I know this, & I feel like I would be playing with his feelings...which is not cool. But I will say hi & bye out of respect if I see him out somewhere.

    Now if we ended up in bad terms, I would never say a word to him if I do see him out somewhere. Hell I wont even look at him, if I do... he's like a complete total stranger.


    If it's completely over, move on.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    I've been through this. It's a sucky situation to be in. At first, I was very, "Well, if you all are friends, then that's fine." But, his ex did the same calling at 3am...calling at lunchtime, calling at dinner, calling 15 times a day. "She's just lonely...we were together for so long that we know each other better than anyone else does. Sometimes, she calls me cuz I am the only one who understands her." That shit got old very fast. I KNEW deep down, that they were not "over each other" and that although they broke up and "moved on", they were still hanging on.

    I put my foot down and said, I do not want her calling you anymore. After I said that, then I was the one with a problem...not the bf and the ex. Then, it seemed ok for a while until I found out that they just went to "clandestine" calling...and then meeting up for lunch, dinner, etc. THAT pissed me off and I made him move out. Needless to say that they got back together for a few months...and he later came back to me.

    The problem isn't with the your BF's ex. The problem is with your BF. If he loved and respected you as much as he would have you believe, then he would respect your feelings and cut off the communication with his ex. It doesn't matter how "right or wrong" or "how close" they are or that they're just great friends. She is "out of his life" and him continuing the "drama" and maintaining contact with her shows pure selfishness. The most important thing in his mind should be his relationship with you. Not his "inappropriate" friendship with his ex.

    One of the other things that pissed me off was that they just wanted "everyone to get along and be friends", but his ex would avoid me...she would never call the house phone and if she did in the off-chance "have a problem", it was only one that she could talk to my BF about. Yeeeah. Sure.

    If you are uncomfortable with it, then you need to respect yourself enough to say, "NO". If he truly loves you and wants to make this work, he will listen to you and respect your feelings. If that means only talking to his ex 2 times a month and never meeting up in person, then he should be willing to do that. You really need to sit down and air what is bothering you and why....and the possible scenarios that will be acceptable to you. If he's not willing to make any changes, I would consider cutting the ties with him.

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    I am still friends with my most significant ex. We know each other well and care about each other as humans. We talk on the phone about every 2-4 weeks. We live on opposite sides of the country so lunch is out I see nothing wrong with this, my current bf knows about the relationship and knows there's nothing else going on. Likewise, I know he still talks occasionally to his most significant ex, I know nothing else is going on, and it's all ok.

    IMO, anyone who has to talk to their ex every single day isn't over them. Furthermore, if they're in another relationship they should have the respect to put the EX on the back burner if they have any intention of giving the current beau a proper chance. It's one thing to talk occasionally, it's quite another to talk ALL THE TIME. If I had a guy doing that, at minimum I'd make sure both of us knew our relationship could be nothing more than superficial until he could manage to break it off properly with the other girl. Can't have it both ways.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    My boyfriends have had a problem with me for this exact reason. I am friends with all of my exes. I take vacations with them, have 'lunch dates' with them, etc. I even still have keys to their apartments and what not. My boyfriends would get pissed off at this all the time.

    I think they felt the same way you do, if not more. I even had one get pissed off enough and try to fight an ex. If any of them would have ever said,"Ya know...This is sort of bothering me. Could you stop?".....I would have happily put some distance between any of my exes for one of them. I guess a fair enough answer would have been,"You should have known".....Probably but I just saw them as friends.

    Only until I dated someone that remained friends with his ex did I start to understand the big picture of it all. She'd call the time, Hang out with him, He'd invite her to parties, etc.....It got under my skin enough that I eventually asked him to stop hanging out with her.

    If he loves you (which I am sure he does)......He'll respect your wishes.


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Thanks you guys! You are all such great people! I am so glad I can come here, vent and get some respectful opinions no matter if you agree or not, that's why I love coming here. I will take all the opinions and advice and sort things out.



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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Hottie, I miss you too!

    And yes, that's my tush... LOL



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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Good luck!

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    Veteran Member slutty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by VADEN
    How do you feel about you S.O. being friends with an ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend?

    Do you think it's ok for them to talk on the phone every day?

    Is it ok for your man/woman to go out to lunch or dinner with an ex claiming they are just good friends?

    Do you feel that when you break up, that all ties should be cut?

    I would be pissed if he didn't cut all ties off, i would think that they were doing something.
    the slutty one

  21. #21
    Veteran Member pimpy718's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by VADEN
    How do you feel about you S.O. being friends with an ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend?

    Do you think it's ok for them to talk on the phone every day?

    Is it ok for your man/woman to go out to lunch or dinner with an ex claiming they are just good friends?

    Do you feel that when you break up, that all ties should be cut?

    If they're friends and really get along-why? Some things I would really hate about my last relationship is my man would jump down my throat when another dude called my phone-even it was my dad or my brother, he'd get all tense and look like he was going to go crazy if I didn't tell him WHO'S THAT?!
    It was cute at first until he turned psycho-that's not the point tho.

    Now, the dinner thing. I'd say lunch is cool, but not dinner, there's a difference. One happens at night, one happens in broad daylight. If they were trying to do dinner, I'd have to be there and that ex better bring somebody because I'm not having my man pay for/feed her brokeass.

    Now, VADEN-your situation sounds a little extreme. If he's talking to this girl at 3 in the morning and not f***ing you-there is something wrong with that. If she has a man she goes home to and she's calling your ex at 3 in the morning, she's outta pocket. Like I said, there's something wrong with that.
    'Cause friends aren't that friendly, I don't talk to my friends when I'm lying in bed with my man-that's disrespectful.
    "You love my lady lumps."



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    God/dess VADEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by pimpy718
    If they're friends and really get along-why? Some things I would really hate about my last relationship is my man would jump down my throat when another dude called my phone-even it was my dad or my brother, he'd get all tense and look like he was going to go crazy if I didn't tell him WHO'S THAT?!
    It was cute at first until he turned psycho-that's not the point tho.

    Now, the dinner thing. I'd say lunch is cool, but not dinner, there's a difference. One happens at night, one happens in broad daylight. If they were trying to do dinner, I'd have to be there and that ex better bring somebody because I'm not having my man pay for/feed her brokeass.

    Now, VADEN-your situation sounds a little extreme. If he's talking to this girl at 3 in the morning and not f***ing you-there is something wrong with that. If she has a man she goes home to and she's calling your ex at 3 in the morning, she's outta pocket. Like I said, there's something wrong with that.
    'Cause friends aren't that friendly, I don't talk to my friends when I'm lying in bed with my man-that's disrespectful.
    LOL ..
    Last edited by VADEN; 01-16-2005 at 09:58 AM.



  23. #23
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Vaden- the last post reminded me of a male bartender's ex who would pop into our bar to see whether he was hitting on the strippers....even though she had no right to do that, she'd still show up.
    It bothers me she doesn't say hi to you.....
    Her presence is excessive. Some people forget that other people live in their world (it's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder) This girl needs to back the heck up.
    I think RARELY exes can be pals........I only keep in touch with two...and we have boundaries.
    Time to lean on the man in the triangle here...he might be passive-aggressive, if so, she knows how to take advantage.
    I'm sure he doesn't want to have to choose between you and she (burning a bridge)...but if she's psycho enough to hold being with you against him.......would he really ever be happy with her if he went back....????
    Good luck, and tell her to eat her heart out......

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    She wants him back. She may not admit it, but she does. I agree with maxine that you really need to talk to your bf and let him know this makes you uncomfortable. Don't say anything about the notion that the ex wants him back, because he will deny it and that will likely put the two of you in an argument. Just tell him matter of factly that she is calling too much and the relationship with you and him has no real chance if he continues this heavy contact with her.

    If he can't understand and respect your feelings enough to get a grip and stop this nonsense, I'd leave (or perhaps keep it as a strictly superficial fuck buddy kinda thing). There is NO way the relationship can progress to anything real as long as he's keeping that relationship with her. You said you feel like he has 2 girlfriends, and frankly, he does!

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

  25. #25
    Veteran Member pimpy718's Avatar
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    Default Re: Still Friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by VADEN
    LOL - It was one time but it was enough to get under my skin. Yes, she does have a boyfriend. She comes into my club from time to time to hang out with a few friends and she never says hello or acts as if I exist. She called today while we were out to lunch to tell him that "she could not decide what to buy her kids for Christmas and wanted to share her experience with him"... (??) Anywhoo..........
    That little skank, you should slap her! No seriously, you should slap her. "What should I buy my kids for Christmas?" Hmmm, maybe a dad so that she'd stop calling YOUR MAN. What a ho, shit like this irritates me. Especially that she tries to act all stank when she's in YOUR CLUB. Ew, you need to slap her and then slap him for still talking to her. One time=2 many times. From your pix Vaden, ur pretty hot and it seems like u got it together, you don't need this. I dunno how long u been with him or what he's did to get u happy but for real mami, you don't deserve this. I don't mean to get all Rikki Lake, but YOU BETTER TELL HIM SOMETHIN. Shyt. That's my two cents.
    Last edited by pimpy718; 12-23-2004 at 12:22 AM.
    "You love my lady lumps."



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