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Thread: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

  1. #1
    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

    YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN....

    You look both ways before crossing a room.

    Your ears are hairier than your head.

    Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

    The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

    You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

    You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

    Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

    You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ....In that order.

    You read the obituaries as least once a week... and look for your name.

    You sit in a rocking chair, but can't get it going.

    It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

    Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

    The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

    You can finally afford that new sports car to pick up chicks, but don't remember why.

    The bank encourages you to take out a short-term loan on your car.

    You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

    The drive-thru attendant calls you "sir" before he even sees you.

    You look forward to a dull evening.

    Your back goes out more than you do.

    When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

    You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

    When you hear the word "grass," you think about your lawn mower.

    You are proud of your lawn mower.

    Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

    You decide against planting a tree since it will outlive you.

    Martha Stewart actually begins to make sense.

    You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

    Conversations with people your own age often turn into "duelling ailments."

    You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

    At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

    Everything hurts or doesn't work.

    Teenage girls feel safe around you.

    Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today".

    You wake up feeling like the morning after, but you didn't go anywhere.

    Your little black book only contains names starting with "Dr."

    Your children begin to look middle-aged.

    Your children have to repeat everything three times.

    You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.

    A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

    You know all the answers, but can't remember the questions.

    You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

    You got cable for the weather channel.

    You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

    Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

    You sing along with the elevator music.

    You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

    You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

    Your best friend is dating someone half his age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.

    The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

    You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

    Your social security number only has three digits.

    You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

    It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

    You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scallywag" and "by-crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.

    You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

    You hear yourself say, "This too shall pass."

    You hear yourself say, "I used to know that."

    You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

    You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

    Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

    You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

    You feel obligated to say that you were drunk when you got your tattoo.

    You despise rap even more than you despised disco--something you never thought even theoretically possible.

    You get winded playing chess.

    Dialing long distance wears you out.

    It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

    When happy hour is a nap.

    You and your teeth don't sleep together.

    You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

    The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

    Instead of saying, "Good morning," you ask, "Have you taken your medicine."

    At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

    You get a can with compressed air to help blow out the candles on the cake.

    You get hair coloring for your birthday.

    You stop looking forward to your birthday.

    You're on your third mid-life crisis.

    You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

    You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

    The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.

    It takes twice as long to look half as good.

    Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

    Getting REAL lucky means finding your way home, without Police assistance!

    Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

    When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

    When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

    Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

    The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

    You get Frequent Buyer points at the pharmacy.

    No one ever asks for your senior citizens discount card.

    If you make a call and are put on hold, you forgot who you called.

    At night your bedroom smells like Ben Gay instead of cologne.

    Bob Dole calls you 'old timer'.

    You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

    All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

    Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

    When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

    The medical school asks you NOT to be an organ donor because they require live organs.

    Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by... and that's all that goes up.

    You still enjoy Playboy... for the articles.

    You can't remember the last time you had sex.

    You can't remember WHY you had sex.

    Viagra didn't help.

    Everything you have either started leaking or dried up.

    Getting old means never remembering to say you're sorry. People send you this list; you actually read it; and understand it!


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



  2. #2
    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

    These are very cute,Rose.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




  3. #3
    Veteran Member DeepGreen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

    Those are great Rose... Any old feeling in me was eliminated over Christmas, when a cashier spent like 10 minutes checking over my license as I was buying beer. So I guess I can pass for under-21, even in my late thirties! Either that or the guy was just a moron...
    There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss... --RENT

    Do not taunt happy fun ball.

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    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

    I vote for moron,hahaha! just kiddin
    I sadly recognized several of those as things I do, say, feel etc...
    Kids nowadays will someday be our age and I feel for em, being safe BLOWS

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    God/dess
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    Default Re: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

    I do not think that you put that you know you're getting older when you wear g-strings on the beach regardless of your beer belly



  6. #6
    Veteran Member lethalsoul's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.



    NEW GENERATION



    1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
    because they do not have e-mail.

    2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
    family of three.

    3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of
    your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

    4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
    phone to see if anyone is home.

    5. Every commercial on television has a web site address
    at the bottom of the screen.

    6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date
    and sells for half the price you paid.

    7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you
    didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
    is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

    8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
    purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

    9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave!

    10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

    11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing
    cabinet.

    12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored
    Post-it notes.

    13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in
    person.

    14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone
    calls. (DSL or cable modem solves this problem!)

    15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful
    feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting
    your coffee.

    17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check
    your e-mail on your way back to bed.

    18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

    19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

    20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to
    forward this to!










    KIDS THESE DAYS



    When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!



    And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



    I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.



    You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say

    it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!



    And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to

    walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!



    And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and [email protected]#* it all up!



    You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!



    We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!



    When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!



    And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no on screen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!



    And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

    Just like LIFE!



    That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God!

    You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in the 1980’s!





    lethalsoul

  7. #7
    Member Ohio_Dancer_Paige's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

    Hey - a little off topic, but where did the "you know you're a stripper when..." thread go? I'm supposed to print it out & take it to work

  8. #8
    God/dess tiamaria's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

    How about when you start sounding like your parents,Then its all over!LOL!

  9. #9
    God/dess kryssy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are you old? Well, Yes, you are.

    I am with you on that on Tiamaira. As my oldest gets older I find my self saying my mothers saying. Is it a good sign that you are "in" your in law family if you say the things that your mother-in-law used to say?

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