YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN....
You look both ways before crossing a room.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ....In that order.
You read the obituaries as least once a week... and look for your name.
You sit in a rocking chair, but can't get it going.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You can finally afford that new sports car to pick up chicks, but don't remember why.
The bank encourages you to take out a short-term loan on your car.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
The drive-thru attendant calls you "sir" before he even sees you.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your back goes out more than you do.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
When you hear the word "grass," you think about your lawn mower.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
You decide against planting a tree since it will outlive you.
Martha Stewart actually begins to make sense.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "duelling ailments."
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.
Everything hurts or doesn't work.
Teenage girls feel safe around you.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today".
You wake up feeling like the morning after, but you didn't go anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names starting with "Dr."
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
Your children have to repeat everything three times.
You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but can't remember the questions.
You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
Your social security number only has three digits.
You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scallywag" and "by-crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You hear yourself say, "This too shall pass."
You hear yourself say, "I used to know that."
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
You feel obligated to say that you were drunk when you got your tattoo.
You despise rap even more than you despised disco--something you never thought even theoretically possible.
You get winded playing chess.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
When happy hour is a nap.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
Instead of saying, "Good morning," you ask, "Have you taken your medicine."
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
You get a can with compressed air to help blow out the candles on the cake.
You get hair coloring for your birthday.
You stop looking forward to your birthday.
You're on your third mid-life crisis.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
Getting REAL lucky means finding your way home, without Police assistance!
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
You get Frequent Buyer points at the pharmacy.
No one ever asks for your senior citizens discount card.
If you make a call and are put on hold, you forgot who you called.
At night your bedroom smells like Ben Gay instead of cologne.
Bob Dole calls you 'old timer'.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
The medical school asks you NOT to be an organ donor because they require live organs.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by... and that's all that goes up.
You still enjoy Playboy... for the articles.
You can't remember the last time you had sex.
You can't remember WHY you had sex.
Viagra didn't help.
Everything you have either started leaking or dried up.
Getting old means never remembering to say you're sorry. People send you this list; you actually read it; and understand it!




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Any old feeling in me was eliminated over Christmas, when a cashier spent like 10 minutes checking over my license as I was buying beer. So I guess I can pass for under-21, even in my late thirties! Either that or the guy was just a moron...



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