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Thread: I feel dirty :(

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    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default I feel dirty :(

    Obviously, I'm new.

    I LD'd for a guy who rubbed his hands all over my back. My privates were respected but it felt like the sickest thing ever. I know next time to state my no hands policy. But, I still feel gross and violated. Worse, I feel like a wimp for not standing up for myself when my boundries were crossed.

    I'm depressed.

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Get out of this business! If having a guy rub your back is making you feel dirty this job will erode your mental health the longer you stay in. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, just to help you stay healthy and happy in your life.

    I have seen way too many girls who get started and feel just like you do, and then after a while start drinking too much to cope or using drugs, and then it is just a downward spiral from there.

    There are jobs out there that I know that I could never do because of how I feel emotionally (collections agent, most medical stuff, data entry- I could go on for a long time). Just know that God gives everyone different talents and we need to work with those talents and not against them. It sounds like working in the sex biz does not agree with your emotional comfort zones.

    Money isn't everything. And if you are hating what you are doing the money won't be there anyway. I am writing about this as someone who is concerned, not to be dicouraging. I just want everyone to be happy

    XOXO Paris Love

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    Featured Member exotica17's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Is the back-touching allowed at your club? If it is not, simply tell him you will get in trouble if he continues. If it is allowed, tell him that you are uncomfortable having him touch your back, or brush his hands away. I feel grossed out when someone's dirty hands try to rub my back, and I feel like taking a shower after that. Sometimes I'll run in the back just to wash up a little. So as far as backrubbing goes, the dirty feeling is strictly physical for me, not mental. If it is a mental feeling of dirtiness for you, then I would take Paris' advice. In this business, you need to know your boundaries and stand up for yourself when people try to cross them--whether it's removing their hands or telling them you are uncomfortable. Otherwise, they will take advantage of you and you will feel violated.

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    Senior Member Fishnet_Stockings's Avatar
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    Sad Re: I feel dirty :(

    at my club guys arent allowed to touch you, ANYWHERE!!! if they get even close as to touching your leg or your back then the bouncer will say something and if it happens again they will be kicked out. i work at an semi-upscale club and unless youre okay with men touching you, we dont put up with it. try going to a different club. go to diff. clubs just to hang out and see how men treat dancers. watch danced from a distance and see how the bouncers handle situations of unwanted touching.
    **INDICA**

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    Veteran Member Sapphire's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I'm with Paris on this one. If you are not comfortable, get out of the business. If it's just lapdances that make you uneasy, then maybe find a club that is stage dancing only (maybe these exist). There are some things I refuse to do like work fast food or telemarket. I just can't do it. there are just some things that some people werent meant to do.

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    Featured Member bambiblue's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I agree with Paris. This buisness isn't for everyone. It is much harder than most people could ever imagine. The more you hate this job on the inside, the more it will show on the outside and you can forget about making any money.It is messed up to think about what we do for a living, and yes, occasionally there are those guys that just get me sick to my stomach, but honestly, if for the most part you aren't content with what you do, then you should consider some alternatives to dancing.

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    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I want keep dancing. It's not just the money. I really do like the work. I like giving lapdances, touching men (legally), and turning them on. I just hate being touched back and having a personal rule broken.

    I'm really upset that I let myself get touched. He seemed like a respectable enough guy. If I said no, he would've stopped. The thing is that I DIDN'T SAY NO. I am in no way a wimp. I am baffled as to why I said nothing.

    I'm glad that I made this mistake with a nice guy instead of some punk who was trying to finger me.

    From here on out, I'm enforcing a "No Hands" Policy. I'm going to say "No" whenever I feel uncomfortable. I'll hail a bouncer whenever necessary and punch when they're way out of line (reflex).

    As long as I stand up for myself, I will be happy with what I do.

    Please do not discourage me from dancing. I'm simply kicking myself for not being assertive. I've learned that I have to keep my guard up at all times.

  8. #8
    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Quote Originally Posted by exotica17
    Is the back-touching allowed at your club? If it is not, simply tell him you will get in trouble if he continues. If it is allowed, tell him that you are uncomfortable having him touch your back, or brush his hands away. I feel grossed out when someone's dirty hands try to rub my back, and I feel like taking a shower after that. Sometimes I'll run in the back just to wash up a little. So as far as backrubbing goes, the dirty feeling is strictly physical for me, not mental. If it is a mental feeling of dirtiness for you, then I would take Paris' advice. In this business, you need to know your boundaries and stand up for yourself when people try to cross them--whether it's removing their hands or telling them you are uncomfortable. Otherwise, they will take advantage of you and you will feel violated.
    I think it was a black and white case of taking advantage of the new girl. The other dancers do not seem to put up with touching. I'm pissed at my naivety. I'm never letting my guard down again.

  9. #9
    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    Get out of this business! If having a guy rub your back is making you feel dirty this job will erode your mental health the longer you stay in. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, just to help you stay healthy and happy in your life.

    I have seen way too many girls who get started and feel just like you do, and then after a while start drinking too much to cope or using drugs, and then it is just a downward spiral from there.

    There are jobs out there that I know that I could never do because of how I feel emotionally (collections agent, most medical stuff, data entry- I could go on for a long time). Just know that God gives everyone different talents and we need to work with those talents and not against them. It sounds like working in the sex biz does not agree with your emotional comfort zones.

    Money isn't everything. And if you are hating what you are doing the money won't be there anyway. I am writing about this as someone who is concerned, not to be dicouraging. I just want everyone to be happy

    XOXO Paris Love
    I'll keep this in mind. Thanks.

    I chose not to be assertive at that particular moment. That's why I feel dirty. It's the kind of dirty you feel after being sold a fake Louis Vitton bag, when you ask yourself, "How could I have been such a sucker?"

    Don't worry about me drinking to cope with the job because one shot will make me pass out. Just thinking about alcohol makes me sick. As for drugs, aw hell no. I did research as an undergrad in psychotropic medications and damn! Drugs, even legal ones, can mess up the brain's chemistry and structure. I will never, never, never use any of that stuff.
    Last edited by Lizette; 01-22-2005 at 05:42 PM.

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    Veteran Member Sxxygirl311's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    You sound like you've got your head on straight Lizette. Do whatever you think is right

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Maybe you can just chalk this expierence up to experimenting with your comfort zones. If I am working at a club that will allow the dancers to go further then other places I have previously work, I will "test the waters" to see how I feel about a particular behavior. For instance, if I never allowed a customer to have a body shot out of my navel, I would at least try it just to see how I feel about it. If it is uncomfortable for me I just don't do that again. Other things that I have tried is working with foot fetishists, and that is okay with me, even though I thought I would be weirded out by it.

    I think you will find that the longer that you do this job, the more comfortable you will be with the customers, and you will instinctivly learn who you can trust and who needs to be smacked.

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    Veteran Member bigteninch's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    sounds like you have already made some healthy decisions. personally, i don't like touching people i don't know and even the ones i do know can have sweaty palms and such, so for me touching is reserved for a person i am close to - so i can understand your view. hey good luck, but i think you should tell the person so they know what to expect, while starting the first dance, that way - they at least know what to expect

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    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Lizette - pull up your huggies and move forward. Instead of feeling dirty and depressed because you didn't assert yourself, simply take it as a learning experience. And feel fortunate that it was just a backrub that made you feel this way. You have learned a valuable lesson from an act that was rather uneventful. In our lives, we ALL feel regret for having not stood up to someone or for something. I think everyone here empathizes.

    But you have to be prepared....because it WILL get worse.
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
    -His reply

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
    -David Daye

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    Veteran Member myssi's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Maybe it's a question of thinking you should've spoken up... but with all the noise around it's hard
    to do... what's best is to do the non-verbal thing when words or will fail... just gently but
    with enough pressure grip his wrists with your fingers and move them out of the way...
    discipline as you would an over eager child. If that doesn't work after a try or two, then
    it is time to SHOCK... yell, scold, stop the dance. That's sure to embarrass any jerk.
    You can also bend his hand backwards at the wrist if you really need to defend yourself.
    Get the money up front if there's likely to be a problem.

    Here's an even better idea... if your club allows, put some cheap handcuffs on the customer...
    you can make it a sexy bondage thing while preventing the touching that you can't handle.
    Some clubs even charge MORE for this.

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    Veteran Member myssi's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    BTW... backrubs are NOTHING. My above post refers to more inappropriate touching that
    exceeds obvious boundaries.

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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris

    I have seen way too many girls who get started and feel just like you do, and then after a while start drinking too much to cope or using drugs, and then it is just a downward spiral from there.
    I totally agree with everything paris said particularly the above quote. I also have seen many girls try and mask thier unhappiness with substances.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    One thing that a dancer must realize when she gets into this business is that guys "want us". A worthwhile lap dance to "most" guys involves us touching them or them touching us to some degree. Of course all of them would have their fingers in us if we would let them, but WHEN you move a guys hands away it must be done GRACEFULLY and while acting like you like the customer.

    If a dancer cannot be friendly and a little touchy feely, the guys lose their desire for us and won't spend any money.

    That is why Paris said that if a dancer feels insecure and slutty being touched that this is not the business for her. To be a dancer societal norms and insecurities about making money as a sexual object cannot exist.

    We are making money in this business because we are sexually attractive to the customers spending money on us. Of course some customers who become regulars like our personalitites as well, but how would YOU feel if you put your arm around a guy you find attractive, and he moved it away, or said please don't touch me? You would be hurt, wouldn't you?

    These guys want to feel that we like them and that we can be their fantasy girlfriend for the moment. If you "kill their mood", you will kill your earnings as well.

  18. #18
    Member Ohio_Dancer_Paige's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I know exactly how you feel honey. There are times that I've kicked myself for not standing up for myself (or for other people, for that matter). And not just inside a strip club! I've thought about it a lot, and what I've found is that basically, when stuff like that happens, it takes you so much by surprise, you get the whole "deer in the headlights" effect, and don't do anything-even if you're normally very assertive, as you & I apparently are After you've been surprised like that a few times, you start handling it like a pro, because you've spent so much time going over all of it in your head! So quit thinking about it - just decide what to do differently next time, & try to let it go. Don't quit because you made one mistake.

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    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I found a new technique.

    "Oh my! We can't be doing this. There are cameras everywhere."

    His hands snap back to the chair. The last thing a customer wants to do is get me in trouble.

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    Featured Member LilSweetVixen's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I don't think you should say anything about cameras. It will kill the mood, and what customer what's to think there are cameras right there? Or that they'll be put on the Internet? Then he could ask someone and they say no.

    Also there are jerks who don't care if they get you in trouble. They will solicit you for extras or to step outside with them even if you could get arrested.

    I think Tina is right, that you just move their hands away gracefully, and if it doesn't work say you're not allowed to. If it gets that bad, then that'll be the last dance you get from him.

    "You have demonic genius" -Naomi Wolf
    "I very much resent it when people - maybe with good intentions or from a progressive point of view - keep telling me, 'It's their culture' ... It's like saying the culture of Massachusetts is burning witches." -Azar Nafisi


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    God/dess gypsy_girlchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    Oh sweetie, I always say "tut tut, don't be naughty..." If he says that what he's doing isn't naughty just say it feels like it is and let him do the math.
    I haven't had too many guys try too many things, but when they do I just act lke everything is fine but I say those magic words if they don't work I signal the bouncer to watch me, if he does something wrong the bouncer tells him very nicely to watch his hands and the problem is solved.
    Please don't lick me, it tickles..



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    Featured Member LilSweetVixen's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I agree with Ohio, besides it wasn't your fault.

    "You have demonic genius" -Naomi Wolf
    "I very much resent it when people - maybe with good intentions or from a progressive point of view - keep telling me, 'It's their culture' ... It's like saying the culture of Massachusetts is burning witches." -Azar Nafisi


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    God/dess gypsy_girlchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    When we are affronted it is NEVER our fault ther is no way to say "we asked for it!" what the heck is that phrase anyway? How and it what way did we ask for it?
    I am so sad to announce that if a woman is raped in an alleyand if she is wearing a short skirt she asked for it, bullshit....
    Take control in your own way, nicely I guess..
    Peace, sweetie
    Please don't lick me, it tickles..



  24. #24
    Veteran Member bluexxxtasy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I agree with the moderator at this point. This is exotic dancing you are going to have guys that are going to want to touch and feel on you as u dance wether its allowed or not.Me personally with these shoes, i feel like im about to fall on my face when the guy is just sitting there and nothing is touching me. I know if I ever get in a SC that has a no touching rule I will look stupid and unbalanced until i get used to these stelletos...

  25. #25
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel dirty :(

    I have to side with Paris' first post on this. If you are beginning to feel like this now, chances are you are going to continue to spiral downward(as in your feelings of feeling dirty, etc) as you continue.

    Backrubs are no big deal, but then again, I could tolerate quite a bit as long as I wasn't being touched where I shouldn't be. I'm not really sure what to tell you here because everyone is diffferent. For me, when I did have that uncontrollable customer, I'd just get downright bitchy and threaten to stab him with my shoes if he didn't behave... I'm a pretty blunt outward person, I tell it how it is.. so standing up for me has never been an issue.. but I 've seen girls who can't or rather, won't because they feel that it is their "duty" to put up with shit, or they are just afraid of not getting any more money. the funny thing is, is that once you do take on an agressive role when something is being done that you aren't going to put up with, most of the time, the customer realizes that they've been called on the carpet and they realize that they could have been out of line... I've only seen this happen a few times, both with guys who had more hands than an octopus.. and only when I really had to lay the rules down.

    I've never felt dirty when I danced. Not everyone can do this job. You put up with a lot of shit.. but sometimes the things you put up with are worth the outcome- flexible schedule, being your own boss, and controlling your income.

    Most people come into this business and think that it is easy money, and for the most part, it kinda is.. I mean, you can make what most people make in a month sometimes in one night depending on the club, location etc.. but, I've seen girls who can not mentally deal with it. It is a hard job mentally if you aren't mentally strong to deal with what comes with it.

    For me, it was never an issue. Listen to your gut. If its not for you, then its not for you.

    Hugs
    Gyn
    Last edited by Gynger; 02-19-2005 at 03:45 PM.


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