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Thread: what would you do?

  1. #1
    Veteran Member wasfatboy's Avatar
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    Default what would you do?

    OK this is probably going to turn into a flaming post but i want to get peoples opinions...honest opinions!

    Heres the situation: I've been married for 20 yrs, love my wife dearly, but for the last 4 years intimacy has not been part of our relationship. This is due to her having a medical condition that either causes her to be in constant pain or constant exhaustion.

    Now heres the problem, i go out to bars with friends, like to dance, and make it very clear im married, but i constantly have women getting friendly with me. And if you seen my pic in the gallary yould ask yourself just like i do "Why?".

    I have not cheated on my wife, but dammit my wrists are sore, and its getting tougher to be a good husband.

    So the questions are:
    Am i a rotten guy for thinking this?
    Should i let myself go?
    Should i surgically have it removed and become a eunich?

    Like i said i love my wife and will not leave her, but am i wrong for being male and wanting attention?

    let the flaming remarks begin..................

    WFB
    Baby's, the OTHER other white meat!

    I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.............................................r ibs.

    im damn sexy and you know you want me!

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    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    Switch the tables around, and ask this question to yourself. Would you want her cheating on you? I don't have much sympathy for you but for her, I really do.

    I don't think you're a 'rotten guy' for thinking it, It's normal. I think we all (if we admit to or not) look at others and imagine being with them. But do you really want to cross that line? She could leave you, and never look back.

    For one hop in the hay it isn't much worth it, IMO.

    If you're looking for permission to cheat, I won't give you that.

    But if you think these women have something to offer, I'll let you find out the end before I ever tell you what the end will be.


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    tough situation....i dont think many of us here can clearly tell you what to do...b/c most of us havnet been in 20 year relationships.

    I would like to think that I wouldnt ever cheat or disrepect the woman i love like that....especially not after 20 years...but im not you...and im not in that situation.

    All i can say is...good luck with whatever you do.

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    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    This is gonna be controversial as hell but I'll say it anyway.

    You need to talk to your wife. This is clearly a marital problem- one that is no one's fault, but a problem nonetheless. Obviously you've tried ignoring it and giving yourself "Be a good boy!" pep talks. Obviously that's not working, else you wouldn't be asking us what to do now. Sit her down and relate to her how this is making you feel. As a woman myself, I'd strongly advise you to couch it in terms of "Love, I know it's not your fault and I'd never want you to feel obligated or guilty." Blame her illness, not her. Maybe even point out how much you miss making her moan (... or.. whatever). Let HER be the one to make suggestions as to a solution, but have a few handy yourself if she asks you what you would like. Keep your suggestions tame and tailored to things you know she doesn't mind (for example, maybe the two of you could start hot tubbing naked; kinky, yet not something likely to aggravate her pain).

    You owe her the chance to compromise before it escalates into a situation involving adultery or divorce court. Good luck.
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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    Senior Member Chani_Fremen's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    Could you guys maybe seek the help out of a doctor to maybe get different medication to help her out? Maybe you guys should work on this issue together inside of keeping it all to yourself. Just a suggestion.
    ~*~ I must not fear. ~*~
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
    ~*~ Only I will remain. ~*~

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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    I was about to respond, and then I read Lilith's post. There's no need to add anything, she said it best.

    I wish you much luck, WFB. I hope everything works out.

    ((Hugs))

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    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    Hell, I thought I was going to get chewed out for that. Whew!
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    LOL no way, Dahling..

    You posted exactly what I was thinking.

    WFB, another point I wanted to bring up is that you mentioned that we'd wonder why women were friendly with you after seeing your gallery pics. I personally think you're attractive. And not to sound cliche' or anything, but this is absolutely true.. Looks are not everything. It's the way a guy acts that sometimes attracts women. If you're fun to be around, they'll want to be around you. You've always had that type of personality on here, and I'm sure it's no different in real life.

    And believe me, I do understand how tough it must be for you. While a lot of people will say that physical contact (sex in this case) isn't important, it's completely untrue. When you're in a committed relationship, especially a marriage, you need that. You can't turn yourself off from it, or it definitely can, and will effect the relationship. I understand that she has medical problems, and that type of um.. activity causes her discomfort, but has she actually spoken to her doctor about this? There could be treatments out there somewhere that would help her.

    I'll be brutally honest here, sex hurts me EVERY damn time. My husband is not a *big* guy by that definition, it's just the way I am. We just try different positions, and be as gentle as we can. It works out.

    But again, I wish you luck. Please keep us updated.

  9. #9
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    I like the eunich option - seriously!!!

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    Quote Originally Posted by aussiepunkshocker
    I like the eunich option - seriously!!!
    You would.

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    Veteran Member wasfatboy's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    wow! i figured i would just get flammed for even thinking about being unfaithful! but i guess thats why i like this site, the people here actually are honest and caring.

    my wife condition is called Fybromialgia, it is like having arthriis only its in the muscles not the joints. she says its like having severe body flu aches constantly. its not a disease that will be fatal, its just constant pain. so i literally cannot touch her, and i know its not that she doesnt want intimacy, its just that even touching her can be painful. i was told this disease effects the coating around the nerves.

    We are getting help for her she goes to therapy 3 times a week and they have her on sleeping meds, she is supposed to get as much rest as possible. please understand i have no intensions of leaving her or doing anything to hurt her. she has always been there thru my many problems, and man have i had a few! so i know it now my time to take care of her.
    maybe i just needed a reminder (which you all gave me) about why ive been with her for 20 yrs. thank you.

    But heres a variation on my original question, is it wrong for me to go out dancing with these women at the bars, i have made it very clear i am married, and have turned down oppertunities when they have been given. and some ladies can be very aggressive!

    Thats what started this question in my mind, i had a extremely beautiful lady ask me to go home with her, i told her sorry i was married and she said she knew and didnt care. i still said i couldnt and she made it very clear that if i ever should change my mind call her.

    DO YOU KNOW HOW TOUGH THAT WAS?

    I know i probably shouldnt go to the bar with my buddies. But its once a week and i dont drink, i drive them, and i like the music and to dance (yes fat men can dance). But i feel like a heroine addict having to say no when i get a proposition like that.

    please keep giving me suggestion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    WFB
    Baby's, the OTHER other white meat!

    I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.............................................r ibs.

    im damn sexy and you know you want me!

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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    First I want to mention, because I don't think I did previously, that I greatly admire your commitment to your wife. I hope she realizes how lucky she is, it could be different. I'm glad that you're strong enough to say "No" to those women, and hold to it. Your love and loyalty to your wife is very evident, and you deserve much credit for it. I could probably name off 10 men that I know that couldn't refuse an offer to go home with a woman, if she's right there, and the one they're in a relationship with is not.

    Is her ailment like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? I know you mentioned a different name, but I was wondering if it was as similar to CFS as it seems, or something entirely different. She has my sympathy though, I do know quite a few people who suffer from CFS, and it's hard for them to find the strength to walk around the house most days because of the pain.

    As for dancing with other women, I personally see nothing wrong with it. Like you said, you're not going home with them, and you're just looking to have a good time and dance. I'm not sure if anyone else sees that as a problem concerning your marriage, but I don't.

    And hopefully in time, with the treatments, your wife will be able to dance with you as well.

    Stay strong, and you know we're here for you.

    ~Hugs~
    Rhi

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    Newbie belieflowr's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    i'm not sure i understand your dificulty with celibacy. i guess maybe older women are a lot more agressive and self assured than us youngin's...so perhaps just having it in your face is a hard temptation, but i bet you are sending them signals. i know you tell them you are married, but is that before or after you start dancing with them? before or after you get that twinkle in your eye chatting at the bar? i'm sure if you behaved differently (and i'm not calling you a lecher) then you wouldn't get propositioned.

    on the other hand, i really do feel for you but could it be that by focusing so much on your lack of sex that you actually make it worse for yourself?

    if you really just can't stand it, maybe you should talk about your frustration with your wife. she has to be aware of it. personally, and i am unorthodox, i would not have a problem with "infidelity" in the instance that i could not have sex or even be touched, if it were possible that it was a purely sexual relationship, preferably a prostitute. should my husband's heart find itself astray, then i would be crestfallen. devastated. and it is hard to handle.

    nonetheless, i have been in an open relationship before, and it worked for us. i felt loved and secure, and was always (safely) satisfied by whomever i chose, and the same went for him. it doesn't work for everyone though. if you know it would upset her, don't even mention the idea.

    just food for thought.

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    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lilith
    You owe her the chance to compromise before it escalates into a situation involving adultery or divorce court. Good luck.
    That was put perfectly.

    No, you're not scum for thinking it...but notice how your thoughts and frustrations are growing. You understand the situation, but you are building resentment, and that is normal. The resentment is not with malice, so you keep putting that emotion up on a shelf and ignoring it. This is where you are running into risks. At some point, the wall that is protecting you from yourself will collapse, and you'll wake up in someone's bed and despise yourself.

    So...like Lilith said - you need to discuss this with someone. You might start out with just yourself so that you can get a handle on how to handle it. Then speak with your wife about it....and assure her that it is not a problem with her when that time comes.
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
    -His reply

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
    -David Daye

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    Member RedHairedGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    As others have said, your commitment is touching and to be commended. What you're feeling is natural, and the conflicts arising are part and parcel with the adjustments and realities that face those who have or who care for someone with a chronic disease. I'm sure that the reality of your sex life is not lost on your wife, either. Probably, she wants to address it in a constructive way as well. She is probably feeling pretty bad about it too - be the one to bring it up, and do it as a sign of your love, not as a detraction from her. Your love for her is obvious, but make sure she knows that your desire for her and your relationship's well-being is at the fore, and that you are not signalling the end of your rope, but a strengthening of your commitment to her.

    Why not avail yourself of support groups on Fibromyalgia? No reason you have to go this alone - you can source the wisdom of many who are in the same boat as you both are, and share tips and strategies for dealing with this situation.

    I did a little googling, and you'd be surprised what's out there. Below are a few links that may point you in the right direction, or which may give you food for thought re: a new forging of your sex life. The sex life you knew is changed, but it does not need to be over completely, and if anything, communication on the matter will ease both your consciences.

    Hope the links help, and good luck...

    http://www.fibrohugs.com/forum/viewt...howtopic=38359

    http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/442/8833

    http://www.myalgia.com/Treatment/connie1.htm

    http://www.sexualhealth.com/question...el=14&topic=83

    http://www.thirdage.com/romance/marr...962833174.html

    (the above link has continuation at the end of the article, and goes on to suggest many good strategies for communication and sexuality)

    http://www.committment.com/health.html

    (the above link has many people relating their struggles with fibromyalgia - it's not specifically about sex, but there may be good stuff to glean from these accounts all the same, as I'm sure the issue is addressed in some of the people's stories)

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    Featured Member MeganS's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do?

    Oh, I completely agree with Lilith and Rhiannon. Geez do I give you a tremendous amount of credit for going the last four years without intimate physical contact because of the love and respect for your wife. As previously stated, you need to sit down with her and have a long heart-felt talk about the situation. There has to be a solution.
    "A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you."
    Francoise Sagan

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    Veteran Member wasfatboy's Avatar
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    Default Re: what would you do? update......

    Well i took some advise and had a calm discussion with my wife.. i stated that i had needs and understood that she was not able to fulfill those needs do to her situtation. i didnt ask for a answer, or for approval but i did state that i would like the option to take care of the need. i didnt not blame her or state that i was going out to do that, i just wanted to know her feelings. well that calmness lasted 1 full day. she now thinks i want to cheat on her, and is suspect of everything i do.

    Basically im screwed >no pun intended<

    The fact is i did nothing wrong, and i just wanted to discuss this, but now it may have back fired. Apparently im in the wrong for wanting intimacy with my wife.

    Now i wish i would of just kept my mouth shut, sucked it up, and got it cut off!

    Sometimes you just cant win, i only hope she calms down and lets this blow over. but i doubt it. it just proves nice guys always finish last, an asshole would of just done it and never said anything. but no im stupid and thought i could discuss this issue.

    the line to kick me forms to the right------->

    WFB
    Baby&#039;s, the OTHER other white meat!

    I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.............................................r ibs.

    im damn sexy and you know you want me!

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