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Thread: For the Aussies - Happy 'strayla day

  1. #1
    kymchoon
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    For the Aussies - Happy 'strayla day

    WE ARE ONE >>

    We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to b#tch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

    First, there's Victoria, named after queen who didn't believe in lesbos. Victoria's the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

    Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

    Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the Family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

    South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

    Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

    The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

    And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

    Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

    We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

    We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

    We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, swimming, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.

    Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

    Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

    I am, you are, we are Australian!

    P.S. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!! No other country has this distinction!

    HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY for January 26, 2005

  2. #2
    mermaidnz
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    Default Re: For the Aussies - Happy 'strayla day

    MUHAHAHAHAHA

    im SO not aussie or kiwi now.

    ( born in aus, but cant get medicare cos im "too kiwi", cant travel on a kiwi passport anymore, cos im "too aussie" WTF)


    screw australia day, i hate lamb, and i dont care if that makes me unaustralian or not MEHHH.


    lmfao tho, thats a funny analogy tho

  3. #3
    Veteran Member ChadW's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the Aussies - Happy 'strayla day

    KymChoon did you write that? It is excellent!

    I am an Aussie who has lived overseas for 3 years now, so my perspectives on the country have shifted dramatically. I pissed myself when I read the part about the Bondi lifesavers and the Adelaide Grand Prix!

    Honestly, that piece could have come from The Herald or The Age.

    Happy Oz day back at ya!
    Last edited by ChadW; 01-27-2005 at 09:52 PM.
    Chad Weston
    Male Stripper / Dancer / Entertainer



  4. #4
    kymchoon
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    Default Re: For the Aussies - Happy 'strayla day

    ^ Alas not - I thought it was worth sharing, though.

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    Default Re: For the Aussies - Happy 'strayla day

    'straliarific!
    "I believe in never, I believe in all the way..."

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    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the Aussies - Happy 'strayla day

    Well I'm one of those vegetarian type people so while I may not eat either of the two animals on our national crest.... I know the the two cats in our household eat roo meat. One of them would love to live in the VIP Pet Food warehouse where all the roo meat is stocked...

    I loved it ! I know this is late.... yet.. Happy Australia Day !!

    As for QLD being beautiful one day, perfect the next.... ahh.... yeah.. okay.... I havn't seen a nice cloudless rainless blue sky in days! Damn monsoon happening up the coast near Townsville and Cairns...


    enter: E3167322D9 for your 10% discount

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