so i've been wanting to get back into dancing(i've danced before but for a total of like 2 or 3 days at 2 different clubs about 6 months ago) but the thing is, i hadn't planned to go back into it for a couple more months. i had been conditioning at the gym for a while and had planned to start again more towards the summer, but i just lost my regular job, so i figured, so what? i'll go back to dancing.i made a lot when i did it. so that was the plan. i took notes from the website, posted some questions, figured i'd be ok to go real soon. but money's getting kind of tight, and i'm eating popcorn for dinner. i wanted to wait until the end of the month, when the girl to customer ratio goes down because everybody's trying to pay their rent right now. (something i learned from the first club i worked in). but my bank account is saying i might have to start this weekend. ok, this is fine... i just have to get psyched up right? i thought i'd be fine, but when i went to the thrift store to get a long skirt or something to dance in, i suddenly felt so horrible. like i was whoring myself out. it made me remember why my stints at the other club only lasted a day. i thought, ok, this is just me being
nervous. once i start trying on the clothes and stuff, i'll be fine. after all, i'm not whoring myself out! nobody's even allowed to touch me! but the feeling didn't go away and the more i looked over the clothes, the more i felt like i was betraying my body, selling it....like a prostitute. i remember, this is what made me stop before. but if i feel like that, then why do i have such good memories of all the fun i had at the club? why do i want to go back? why have i been trying for so many months to condition myself at the gym? i tried to push the feeling back, and was trying on my dress at home. i thought it'd be fun to model it for my boyfriend, but then my face just dropped when i thought about what he thought seeing me model a dress "for him" when he knew it was really all for a bunch of other guys. i thought "what a bad girlfriend i must be, showing him what all the other guys will get that's supposed to be all his.showing him what i plan on "giving" someone else,and how i will be displaying my body." he totally supports my decision to dance, and has never said anything like that to make me think he thinks like that.... i jsut felt like a whore. please don't get the wrong idea.. i know strippers are not prostitutes, i know the heavy lines drawn between the two and the strict rules and standards we hold ourselves , and other people, to, to keep this exact mentality from being applied to us. why do i feel so terrible? what's wrong with me? if i hate dancing, then why do i want to do it so bad? why do i spend so much time on this website soaking up as much info about the job as possible? why do i crave the whole scene so much? am i just nervous about starting so soon? should i ignore the feeling or forget about being a dancer period? sorry about all the jibber jabber and questions.. i think i'm just scared. from going back and reading my own post , it would appear to me that i may be having trouble separating my "stripper self" from my "girlfriend self" and my "real self".
i have to wonder if this is something i am able to do, or maybe that's not it at all. how do i fix this? what's wrong with me? i know i can do this.. i've done it before. and i had fun. i'm just nervous....




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ally:: yes. how dare she show her granny panties in such a provacative way. that tramp. why, you could almost see her bellybutton. how lude. i thought i had avoided being a product of my upbringing.
it makes me sad that i can't seem to be both...
i set the bar high, because i thought it would help me be better. your first post really hit home. i fail at stuff on a regular basis so i never even thought of myself holding that kind of standard. tina said something that i thought about too.. she said we don't live for our families and stuff. i don't kid myself. my mom is a very hard to please person and i know i spend a lot of my time trying to make her happy and proud of me. if she knew what i was doing, she would definitely limit the amount of time she spent around me. to like zilch. i don't want her to hate me. she already thinks i'm some horrible person because i have a tattoo on my tummy and it's close to my bikini line. i know i live for my mom's approval.
Then one day I just decided to go ahead and show them off. About two nights later a customer kept going on and on about how he loved my hips and bought dances to see me work my hips.
i'm already good, just wait till i get better! look out world!

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