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Thread: I accidently told him...

  1. #1
    Senior Member Ohlala's Avatar
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    Default I accidently told him...

    Hey ladies:

    Well for those of you who don't remeber me, I am 23 and a total stripper wanna be. Only 2 weeks ago I joined the forum because my boyfriend and I had split and I was free to do as I please....
    However, my true love lives in Vancouver, we've been bestfriends for 13 years, and last night he asked me to move back home...He told me flat out that he wants us to move in together, buy a house and get married. My plan is too finish school first, and I told him that I could use the money I make from stripping to help pay for the move....
    OOPS, right, I had forgot to tell him I wanted to strip ...didn't go over so well. He lost it (to put it nicely) and I quess this is where I turn to you...Stripping is just something I always wanted to try, something I am facsinated with, but I'm not a liar so doing it behind his back is out of the question. Therefore, as a newbie I would like to know if anyone else has had an exeience where they were torn between stripping or not? Cause right now, I'm so confused, torn really. Why is it regarded as so "satanic"?

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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Try this: If he isnt the really jealous type, or to put it another way, can control his feelings, perhaps you should invite him to come and watch you some of the nights you work. It might put his feelings at ease and make him more comfortable to see that its only a job. My husband did this with me, and it got to the point where he had made friends with all the mgt and the mgr even gave him 25$ to get a ld from me, lol. He saw that it was only a job, and it made him much more comfortable.

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    Veteran Member DeepGreen's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Here's my humble opinion. If it really comes down to a choice of stripping versus being married to the man of your dreams, I would tend to recommend going with the relationship. For many of us, our marriages are like the bedrocks of our lives. However, I do worry about the fact that he "lost it" when you discussed the idea. The fact that he reacts so strongly--with such apparent jealousy--even before you are officially together does not bode well. Is this the kind of person who is going to be upset every time you flirt with someone? Now, I realize that many guys feel uncomfortable with their SO stripping. That's understandable. However, a much more appropriate response on his part might be to simply tell you that he feels uncomfortable about the idea, but that it is your choice. The whole idea of a jealous temper just makes me uncomfortable about this guy ...but then I don't really know him.
    There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss... --RENT

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    God/dess NinaDaisy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    If you need to ask...

    Go back to him, live under his thumb, neglect your education and your dreams and live the rest of your life in regret.

    Just my advice.
    "She has written so well, and marvellously well, that I was completely ashamed of myself as a writer...But this girl, who is to my knowledge very unpleasant and we might even say a high-grade bitch, can write rings around all of us who consider ourselves as writers"

    Ernest Hemingway on writer, aviation pioneer and horse trainer Beryl Markham


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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    ohlala just follow your heart and trust your gut instinct ...guys come & go ...& you're not gonna live in this world forever so make the best of it & don't miss any oppurtunities that pass you by
    Last edited by foxy; 01-29-2005 at 09:13 AM.
    vicious circle

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    Featured Member bambiblue's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Quote Originally Posted by NinaDaisy
    If you need to ask...

    Go back to him, live under his thumb, neglect your education and your dreams and live the rest of your life in regret.

    Just my advice.
    That may be a little harsh. You haven't even tried danceing yet. It is just a little infatuation you have and for all yo9u know you may very well hate it. It is, as most people will admit to, not all it's cracked up to be. I don't think that if this guy loves you, he will make you give up going to school. If you really loved him you wouldn't have a doubt in your mind as what to do. But I do strongly encourage you to be very careful as to who and what you throw away to be a dancer, I think that will cause you WAY more regret in the long run. I don't understand why some girls give the advice to "just say to hell with everyone else and go be a stripper" it is a very demanding lifestyle than can isolate you from sooooo many good things and people. Not to mention it is physically and emotionally trying. Whatever you decide I wish you good luck in it.

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    Banned BigGreenMnM's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Odd how your dealing with this issue and your not even a dancer.

    Just know,if you do become a dancer,you will face it again,with lovers friends and family.

    I would also point out the fact that this guy wants to MARRY you, but has no idea what your dreams and aspireations are.Not good.

    He needs to chill the emotional reactions and focus more energy on discovering who you really are before he marries you,for his own good,and for yours.
    It might also be advised for you to lay your cards on the table as you get them,married people hold very few secrets from each other,at least the married people who survive marriage.

    It could be that this guy was blindsided by all of this and just reacted wrong.
    Cant blame him for that.
    Give him some time to absorb it all in.
    Talk.

    This is a test all strippers take.some pass,most fail.

    Stripping is like cancer to relationships.
    Just know your decision to start dancing will likely lead to the end of this relationship within 5 years.
    Just ask the forum.

    Rare=strippers who celebrate 5 year anniversary(and still working)
    Real freekin rare=strippers who see thier 10 year ann.(and still working)

    There is a long line of broken husbands and boyfriends left behind by this industry.

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    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    He said he's going to buy you a house, etc.........Did you get this in writing? Ha.

    I agree with MNM.

    He'll eventually ask you to pick between dancing, or him. That conversation will be interesting yet also depressing once it comes up. Is he going to pay for your schooling, pay your bills, etc? If so....Never dance. If not, Dance.

    Yes...He might be your 'soulmate' or some bullshit but he's just a penis.


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    God/dess Silverback's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Quote Originally Posted by NinaDaisy
    If you need to ask...

    Go back to him, live under his thumb, neglect your education and your dreams and live the rest of your life in regret.

    Just my advice.
    Hey, but at least you'll be married.
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Quote Originally Posted by RoseDelight
    Yes...He might be your 'soulmate' or some bullshit but he's just a penis.
    LOL Rose! I am using this as a quote in my sig.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    [QUOTE=Ohlala]Hey ladies:

    However, my true love lives in Vancouver, we've been bestfriends for 13 years, and last night he asked me to move back home...He told me flat out that he wants us to move in together, buy a house and get married. My plan is too finish school first, and I told him that I could use the money I make from stripping to help pay for the move....
    I am confused here bestfriends 13 yrs does this mean you haven't had an intimate relationship yet ? Because thats a bit different you need to master both the lovers and friendship relationship first in my opinion. If you were lovers 13 yrs is a long time to wait what gives , I guess I need more info to form a logical opinion.

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    Veteran Member myssi's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Sounds like he is possessive and controlling and will find a way for his paranoia/jealousy to come
    out no matter what you do: an office job? working with guys? oh no! clerk at the mega mart:
    guy customers? are they coming on to you? etc.
    I had one bf that didn't want me cutting hair for other guys. As if I could turn down
    customers like that. He also made me give up my intended career as an electrician because
    I'd be working with guys, etc. Needless to say he's not around anymore.
    Control freaks however well intensioned can ruin your life. Clarify your relationship or
    get counseling now before things go further. It's not just about the stripping. He's
    got more issues than just that.

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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    I am deciphering your post. So many a young dancer has experienced this.

    Number one, you are only 23.

    Number two you guys had been split up for whatever reasons and now he says he wants you to come home, get married and buy a house together.

    Where is the money going to come from for this? So many young guys lay this pressure on dancers and it comes from them being immature, and somewhat controlling personalitywise.

    I said this before to others in your boat, but you have got to be an independent woman first, and ALLOW a man into your life that fits into YOUR lifestyle, NOT take a subservient role and fit into his.

    Believe me, if you do what you choose to do and turn down every guy who demands that you live up to his rules, eventually you will find a guy who will be happy to blend his life with yours and not try to order you around or change you.

    It would be a mistake in my mind to marry or have anything to do with this guy or any guy who insists on being the man and telling you what you can and can't do.

    Being with guys like this oftentimes bring on domestic violence in a relationship. You don't want that type of marriage, do you?

  14. #14
    God/dess Gia2608's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    I agree that if you haven't danced then it really shouldn't be a decision you are making right now. But even so, some things to consider:


    Why don't you go do an amatuer night first or something to see if you like it? If you try and hate it/ can't do it then problem solved.

    Also what does he do in Vancover that he can't move to where you are? Also, are you still in Canada or in the US because if all the clubs in Canada are like the ones I've been to in Montreal then he may have an exaggerated idea of what the clubs in your area are like.

    Did you plan to return to Vancouver when you finished school anyway? (I know I went to school out of State because I had to get out of where I grew up, and if you were so crazy about it there why'd you leave in the first place?)

    Definitely finish school too before you go running off to be with some man, if it's meant to be he'll wait for you and he'll understand. Trust me if you do get married, it's much better to have a degree because (and sorry to be harsh but I want to be real here) you never know how long/ if it will last and should you get divorced (especially if you have children) you'll want to be able to take care of yourself.
    Now, the way he reacted was probably due to initial shock. Since you have been friends since childhood and he claims he wants to marry you, he probably has this image in his head of you being Apple-Pie wholesome. (You know, the ame way most guys don't want to hear about sexual experiences with anyone you knew before them.) Tell him you want to try it to get it out of your system- and go do anamateur night then talk to him after and tell him how it went and tell him honestly how you feel afterwards. Should you decide to strip, he may not like it, but like someone said unless he is going to pay your bills....

    I'm sure everything will work out for you, and as for your initial question of wheter or not I feel torn sometimes between striping and not? Of course, we all do. Especially lately. It's not an easy job and sometimes the rewards are hard to see.
    XoXo Gia
    Danielle Fishell (the Dish): "If the Super-Star thing doesn't work out, Gia makes a great stripper name"

  15. #15
    Senior Member Ohlala's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Thank you Thank you Thank you....Everyone confirmed what I was already feeling inside, and what I told him. I haven't even tried stripping yet! There's no way I'm moving home before I finish school, (and yes, once I was done I was considering it). I was planning on moving in with him...so this all works out. I was just more concerned about his harsh reaction, none of my friends (the 4 I have talked with about it) reacted so strongly, even if they didn't like it they said it was my choice and they would support my decision. He on the other hand, has spent his life protecting me (litterally from myself), and thinks this is just another big bad moment in my life, but I thinks he's so upset because he's too far away to be here for me if I need him. All of which I find silly cause I'm not 16 years old anymore, I've grown up alot and I thought he would trust me more...
    But now that I have had sometime to think about all this, I have relized that being so sensitive to his reaction is a good sign that I'm not ready for the stereotyping or comments/judgement that come along with job...I'm just not sure I want to quit before I start?

  16. #16
    Senior Member Ohlala's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    RoseDelight: I would agree he's just a penis...

    But not many teenage penis's commit to calling long distance 4x a week for 7 years, to thier best friend living on the otherside of the country...to remind them someone cares.

    That's what makes this oppinion matter.

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    Banned BigGreenMnM's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ohlala
    RoseDelight: I would agree he's just a penis...
    You girls make this sound bad???
    But not many teenage penis's commit to calling long distance 4x a week for 7 years.
    In the old days with rotary phones its was hard,nowadays with push button,its almost a breeze.These penises got it easy today.

    Im not doubting your relationship with this guy,but distance makes the heart grow fonder sometimes.Its different when ya wake up next to them everyday.
    In all those phone calls,you never told him of your plans to dance,or even your desire to try it out.
    Then ya sprung it on him and he freaked.

    To get a nice cup of hot tea,ya gotta release a little steam.

    Im trying to get you to see his reaction may or may not be how he really feels.
    I dont know if he is a control freak or not,im just giving you a man's point of view on the situation.
    My advice is to let him calm down,then sit and talk to him calmly about it.
    Allow him the chance to"take it back"or "do overs"on the stripper issue.
    Im not saying you did anything wrong in how you told him about dancing,im just saying you didnt do it right.
    That said,there really isnt a right way.

    If you care about this guy,hear him out.

    That's what makes this oppinion matter.
    Opinions are like assholes,everybodys got one,and most stink.

    The only two assholes that are important right now is yours and his.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Ohlala's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    Agreed, distance does make the heart grow fonder...which is all the more reason I'm not rushing home. Even once I am home, I told him we won't be getting engaged until we've caught up with one another. Who knows how long that will take (maybe years). My main concern was that he opposes to the stripping, which I never mentioned cause I was sure it wouldn't go over well (my fault for holding out on him)...Then again, he held out on me by not telling me how he felt until that same night.
    But after hearing from you all and confirming what I already knew to be true, I have a real decision to make him or stripping...Both of which are relativley unexplored options...But I have a year before school is done, so I'll take my time. Think it through, keep learning from this site, check out a couple clubs...and I really have to go home and visit, it's been way to ong since we spent time together.

    (for those who were concerned, he's not posessive, just protective. I'm not the kind of girl who can be "controlled" I don't have submissive bone in my body...All about domination) I just don't want to risk losing this relationship over something I know nothing about i.e. stripping.

  19. #19
    kymchoon
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    There's a lot of knee-jerk, "he's possessive and controlling and you'll be forever submissive if you end up with him" reactions on this thread. Some are even going so far as to predict future domestic violence. Now, for obvious reasons, everyone is taking the pro-stripping viewpoint here. I'm not necessarily going to take the opposite view, but you do realise you're all judging the guy based on his attitude towards one thing (and a not uncommon attitude at that).

    Even the 'moderates' are saying things like, "give him the chance to take it back."

    Yes, this forum is designed to be a support and advice forum for dancers/prospective dancers, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's always the right choice. From what Ohlala has said, this guy is one of those very rare people that comes under the definition of a 'true friend' - someone who'll be there for you no matter what. However, that doesn't mean he has to be fine with every little thing that she wants. From the sound of it, I doubt she'll lose him as a friend - but she might lose the possibility of a romantic relationship with him.

    In any romantic relationship, there will be conflict - nobody agrees on everything. Unless you're suggesting that she either wait to find somebody who thinks exactly like she does (god, how boring) or a complete doormat..?

    Wow, he has a problem with her flirting with other guys and with dancing sexily for them in the nude. Let's nail him to a cross (upside down even). C'mon, try to keep a little perspective here.

    My fiancee and I have a recurring argument about stripping. She has a problem with it, and she doesn't like the fact that I hang out with friends who are current or former strippers. Oh my god, she's trying to control my life, I should dump her. Or maybe we could agree that we're never going to agree on this issue, I've been friends with them for twice as long as I've known her, and I'll be understanding that she has a problem with it (and act accordingly) if she'll remember that they are my friends and that I will defend them from personal slurs, even from her. Maybe that would be the way to go.

    I'm pro-stripper/stripping. Nevertheless, I think I might have a problem with my SO doing it - not for any ethical reasons, but simply becasue I want her stuff to be only for me. I might like to think that I wouldn't have issues, but I also know myself. Does that make me a bad person?

    In the end, Ohlala, it sounds like you're going to have to make a decision about what's more important to you. I'm not advocating either way, you are the only one who knows your own life, and what you want from it. You also know this guy a hell of a lot better than we ever will.

    In the end, it may come down to one of those decisions that sucks both ways. One decision could give you a job that you've always wanted, but (at least partially) lose you someone you care about very much. The other decision could give you him, but have you give up something else that you wanted.

    Either way, you will be faced with some "what ifs". What you will have to do is commit to whichever decision you make 100%, otherwise you will end up being miserable about it, and always wonder what would have happened if you chose differently.

    It's easy to give advice from the outside, but in the end we have nothing invested in this decision.
    Last edited by kymchoon; 01-30-2005 at 09:40 PM. Reason: after some more thought

  20. #20
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    I didn't tell anyone in my family when I worked in this industry. That way I was able to keep my former good relationship with them after I quit. Since you are dancing to pay the bills while you are in school, you will probably seek your "real" career when you finish, not be a career stripper. You won't be dancing forever - its just for a time. Your goal is to finish your degree.

    I find that men who complain about their woman stripping will find something else to complain about later when she isn't a stripper. I found that being a stripper was a male deterent for the wrong kind of guy. If a guy doesn't understand that its a JOB - and you don't have feelings for the people you dance for - then he isn't that secure - or he totally misunderstands the industry.

    When I was a dancer - I made all my fellow dancers read the book "The Rules" - they needed to be independent and not let these guys treat them so bad. That didn't have to do with them being dancers, it just had to do with them being women who were trained to please men. Do your life how you want to do it - the right guy will love you for who you are and support you in being your powerful best, no matter what you do with your life.

  21. #21
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    My first question is: how old is this friend? The way you are talking about him, I am getting the distinct impression that he's quite a bit older than you are.

    My next question is: what is more important to you? Stripping may just be stripping...and you may not have started yet, but if that is something you REALLY want to try...you would be denying yourself if you didn't try it.

    I would also ask: why do you want to strip so bad? For the same reasons people think stripping is "satanic", others think it is "glamorous".

    In the end, it is all your decision. You do what you have to do. That doesn't mean just to make ends meet, but also means experiencing what you need to experience. After all, isn't that what life is all about? Living and experiencing the things that we want?

    Otherwise, I agree with NinaDaisy...you'll be looking back in regret.

  22. #22
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: I accidently told him...

    I hope I don't sound harsh, but look at it this way: are you really strong enough to strip? It is a hard hard job. And it changes people. In an instinctive way, your guy knows what it might do to you because he's a man and he knows how men think. On the other hand, he might think you're gullible and naive, and expects you to get screwed over as soon as you start dancing.
    I got into dancing because I had nothing to lose and I hated men. My ex messed me up. Ironically, the men I met through dancing made me see that not all men are bad. However, predatory men gravitiate towards dancers because in their f*cked up minds, they see openings to take advantage of our vunerability.
    Good luck hun. Look out for Number One.

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