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Thread: relationship question...long post

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    Senior Member KyraBanks's Avatar
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    Default relationship question...long post

    Hi everyone!

    I have been wondering about something for a long time. Now that I have found this board and I see what great advice some of you guys give, I will ask about something that's very important to me.

    I have been with my boyfriend for five years. When we first started dating in 1999, I got to meet his guy friends. My boyfriend told me at that time that he also has one female friend. He has been friends with her since high school. She moved to Atlanta about five years after they graduated from the same high school. She is now living with her fiance in Atlanta. She was a flight attendant for some time, so she still came to Houston to visit her family and friends several times per year.

    I said cool. I suggested that maybe I could meet her when she comes to Houston again and we could all hang out, especially since I am not originally from Houston and I haven't met many friends yet.

    He said that he made an agreement with her that he would never introduce his girlfriends to her, because of an incident that happened in the past with his ex. He said his ex was the jealous type and didn't like him having a female friend, so his ex and his female friend didn't get along to the point of almost fighting. Ever since then, his female friend said, "Don't ever bring any of your girlfriends around me!"

    I am not as jealous as some women I know, because I have a few males friends and it is strictly platonic. I do believe it's possible to have a friendship only with someone of the opposite sex. Now, my boyfriend gets upset if I hang out with any guy friends because he says I didn't tell him about them at the beginning of our realtionship. I think he is using this as an excuse because he is afraid to admit that HE is jealous. He says that he has the right to be upset and that I don't because he told me about his friendship with this girl from the beginning.

    The girl has been to Houston several times and my boyfriend has hung out with her a couple of times. He has also hung out with her and her friends a couple of times. I feel horrible about being excluded. Especially since he kmows that I don't have many friends in Houston. He wants to control my social interactions with men (even though I told him he can hang out with me and my friends anytime he wants) and he wants me to be happy with his social interactions that don't include me.

    I don't know if anyone understands but I am very independent and I am not looking to get married any time soon so I don't feel that I should have to give up any friendships for the sake of my relationship, even though I have to maintain the peace. I have never given him any ultimatums about his friendship with this girl. It's odd to me that he feels it's okay that we have been together for over five years and I have never even met this girl that is such a good friend to him. She even asked him to be in her wedding and I asked him if he was going to take me to meet her then and he said he doesn't know, he has to think about it.

    From this little bit of info that I have told, do y'all think that maybe he doesn't want me to meet her for some other reason? I have always wondered why it's okay for him to talk to her fiance on the phone and everyone is cool with everyone, but I am completely left out.

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    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    Sounds like the double standard to me. It's okay for HIM to have female friends but not you. It sounds like he's jealous, and possibly very insecure about this. Keep convincing him that he's the only one, yada yada....

    As far as your question goes......I'd ponder it a little but not very much. She said that she didn't want to meet any of his girlfriends anymore, Right? Well, Maybe he's just giving into her wishes.

    I think you should talk to him and tell him that it's important you be included in some of the plans (doesn't have to be all of them). If you're going to be in his life, His friends should want to meet you and get to know you.

    A great deal of my friends are male, I've had some ex lovers not be comfortable with this situation. But we come as a package deal.

    My two cents.

    Good luck!


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



  3. #3
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    Hey kyra!
    I don't think you are crazy!!! It kinda sounds like he is trying to hide something
    It just doesnt make sense to me!!

    And yes, its a double standard and he has found a clever excuse...

    Get that chin up girl, you deserve a little more of an explanation and the oppourtunity to possibly meet his friend.

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    Senior Member KyraBanks's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    HI Rose and TFD!

    Thanks for your input. I really appreciate you taking the time out to read that long ass post! Since she has said she does want to meet his girlfriends, do you think it would be selfish of me to ask him to put what I want before what she wants? It's not like we just started dating, but when she calls and i'm there, she still doesn't show any interest in talking to me on the phone and I don't know if she even knows my name. He doesn't want to be rude I guess, so he won't stay on the phone for a long time usually. They'll just talk and laugh and I never know what they are talking or laughing about. I feel awkward and it's almost seems rude of both him and her since I have never done anything to make them act funny with me. I am not his ex-girlfriend.

  5. #5
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    are you sure she even knows about you?

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    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    I think you do have rights as his gf to be involved in some of their planning, or even hanging out with them. I do feel it's odd that he's treating you like 'the secret'.....I'd say something to him about it. This is tough because you don't want to come off as being 'jealous' or 'insecure'......I think she should be aware of who you are. I know I am always excited to meet my friend's gfs.

    You also don't want to make him feel as if he must take sides but he should support your feelings.

    I think you should sit down and say...."Hey, I am starting to feel weird. You're not involving me with your friend and I want to be involved. I don't want to feel as if I am secret or something that should be pushed to the side."....


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    Senior Member KyraBanks's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    The reason I know she knows about me is because I have his password and I read his emails. One day she wrote him and said.....

    "Heads Up! I was just letting you know that Kim may have gotten your phone number out of my address book. She and a few others have had a thing for you ever since they found out you weren't married yet at our ten year reunion. I told her you are with someone, but she keeps asking and I found my book opened on the page with your name and number, so she might try to call you. Just letting you know."

    Yes, I was a little pissed with this one because I know she wouldn't want this happening in her realtionship. I would've felt a little better if she would've referred to me by my name at least, instead of "someone". I feel it's unfair and I am considering giving him an ultimatum because of this. I feel that I deserve better. If she had already met me, she'd probably like me. He shouldn't have let this go this far and if this keeps up, he's gonna make me not want to meet her.

  8. #8
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    Yea. I think an ultimatum is in order.

    Sometimes its about how you feel too! If he loves you like he should he should find some kind of common ground. Goodness, its not like you are telling him to cut all ties with his ex!!!

    I remember when i first got together with my fiance and his ex called for some stupid reason. He broke up with her and she seemed obsessed with him. He told her not to call him again out of respect for "insert my name", my current girlfriend. (they were together for 5 yrs!)
    I remember thinking to myself, if he doesnt say something to her on the phone.....as soon as i get home i will be breaking it off.. But he said something because he is a gentelman!

    Im not jealous.. im just real.. i deserve love and respect.. the same i give to him!

    and so do you!

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    Veteran Member DJ_Duane's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    This is how I'm judging this guy:

    He is insecure over his relationship with you. He doesnt want you to hang out with male friends because he doesnt like the idea that one of them might try to make a move for you and he would lose you to another guy. That's why he doesnt want you hanging around with other men.

    As for why he feels its okay to hang with a female friend himself, this gets a little complicated, but here goes.

    He probably feels very sure of himself that she would never try to start anything more than what they have now. Platonic friendship. So, he feels there is no risk whatsoever that she would try something with him or he with her. Even if she tried something, he probably feels that he is strong enough to resist her advances and just remain friends.

    He seems to lack faith that you lack similar strength to resist another man's advances, however. So, he doesnt want you hanging with other guys.

    It comes to a question of value. Which relationship does he value more? Leaving you out of everything that the two of them are involved in, tells me that - on certain levels - he values his relationship with her over his relationship with you.

    In other words, you are not #1 in his life. You are not the person that everything and everyone else - beyond family - has to wait behind. If you are not #1, then you are #2 or lower. If being second in his life is okay with you, then that's your decision.

    The facts as you state them show me that you are not allowed to hangout with certain people that he does not approve of, yet he can have a opposite sex friendship that you are completely excluded from. His friends come before you and what you want is less important to him than what he wants and what his ladyfriend wants. You dont seem to matter to him as much as his friends do.

    If he wont include you more in his relationship and/or allow you the freedom to associate with whatever platonic friends you have, my advice is to leave him for some one to whom you will be #1.

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    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!

    "The reason I know she knows about me is because I have his password and I read his emails. One day she wrote him and said....."

    Nuff said. Unhealthy relationship.
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
    -His reply

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
    -David Daye

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    Member RedHairedGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    Quote Originally Posted by MojoJojo
    DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!

    "The reason I know she knows about me is because I have his password and I read his emails. One day she wrote him and said....."

    Nuff said. Unhealthy relationship.
    Heheh - I was hoping as I neared the end of this thread that someone would have picked up on that red flag.

    Sweetie, it's clear that he doesn't trust you since he isn't comfortable with you meeting new men in a friendship only fashion, and it's clear that you don't trust him, because you're snooping his private mail.

    If you guys don't trust each other and keep secrets from each other and/or keep each other secret from others, then what have you really got together?

    Time to take stock.

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    Senior Member KyraBanks's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    Actually, I'm not snooping. I have his password because he gave it to me. I told him I felt uncomfortable with his female friend and to prove to me that he didn't have anything to hide, he gave me his password. I understand what you are saying though. I just don't know if it's worth ending the only relationship I've ever had. It very well may be, but I need to think about it.

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    Veteran Member DJ_Duane's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    Quote Originally Posted by KyraBanks
    I just don't know if it's worth ending the only relationship I've ever had. It very well may be, but I need to think about it.
    It may well be your first relationship, but it is unlikely to be your last relationship.

    Kyra, at the age of 24, you have many years ahead of you to begin and explore new, different and better relationships.

    Have some faith in yourself.

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    God/dess Malibu's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    He should never paint two individuals with the same brush. That's just like saying that you will turn out like his ex. He had ONE bad experience and now you'll be paying for that? Pretty poor statistic to be making rash agreements on. Smells like shit to me.
    You are the envy
    of all parallel lines that
    dream of curves and convergence
    - Sara Bailey: Sieve of Words

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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    While the problem lies with your bf, not this other girl, if she was really his friend she would not want to do anything to threaten his relationships.

    Your bf should not be keeping secrets from you. Even though he tells you that they go out and talk, e-mail or whatever, you are not included and do not know what goes on. If my husband wanted to go out with another woman and I wasn't invited, I would tell him not to bother coming back home. Your bf does not have enough respect for you to stand up to this girl and tell him that leaving you out of things is not acceptable.

    If he tells this girl that you have to be involved and she says no, that is her choice. I would expect your bf to say, "Well, I've been with my gf for five years now, she deserves better. Cya."

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    Senior Member KyraBanks's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous1
    While the problem lies with your bf, not this other girl, if she was really his friend she would not want to do anything to threaten his relationships.

    Your bf should not be keeping secrets from you. Even though he tells you that they go out and talk, e-mail or whatever, you are not included and do not know what goes on. If my husband wanted to go out with another woman and I wasn't invited, I would tell him not to bother coming back home. Your bf does not have enough respect for you to stand up to this girl and tell him that leaving you out of things is not acceptable.

    If he tells this girl that you have to be involved and she says no, that is her choice. I would expect your bf to say, "Well, I've been with my gf for five years now, she deserves better. Cya."
    I agree with everything you and Duane are saying. I talked to my bf again and let him know how serious I am about this. Finally, he said he will let me meet her when she comes to town again. Honestly, I don't think I ever will meet her because after thinking about this more, I don't want to meet her. It was such a big fucking ordeal to get to this point, I am no longer interested. Hopefully, my bf will learn from this and won't do it to his next girlfriend. I have been feeling second in his life and even though he does a lot to help me everyday, I can't get over this one little thing that is so big only to me because there's a deeper meaning to what he's doing. What you all are telling me is confirmation that my feelings are valid and with good reason. He says that this is no big deal because he doesn't even see this girl but maybe once a year when she comes to town to visit her family. It's important to me though and for years he has belittled my feelings about this.

    I also think that he may be embarrassed that I am an adult entertainer and he would be ashamed if his friends asked me what I do and I told them the truth. At the same time, he doesn't want to ask me to lie because he acts like he's okay with it and if he asked me to lie to his friends about what I do, that'll prove that he does have some kind of problem with what I do.
    Last edited by KyraBanks; 02-02-2005 at 10:57 PM.

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    God/dess tiamaria's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    That's Crazy! You say you have been with this same guy since 1999? Well,that would be 5 yrs...Sometimes when you're with someone for that amount of time,you start to take them for granted..................I think that's complete nonsense what he's trying to pull on you,I would let him know that and say how ridiculous it all is and Yes,he should put your feelings first,Your his girl!!!!Anyway.....,If what he says is true,(IMO I have my doubts)It's a stupid deal,and tell him you deserve more from him....maybe he's embarrased of her!You both are involved together and should let everyone know that,especially his friends!

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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    At best, it seems like your relationship is leaning towards the unhealthy side of things in regards to trust and maybe in a few other areas as well?
    At worst, the situation with this girl and your bf seems fishy to me...not sure what kind of fish but just fishy. I don't mind girls I get involved with hanging onto their guy friends and actually prefer to let them hang alone, but if they or the guys went out of their way to avoid me, I wouldn't put up with it for a second...I trust until I'm given a reason not to.

    I've been quick to throw people away in the past and although I'm starting to see the light in regards to not throwing people away for little things, double standards and trust aren't little things. At the least you should get things cleared up and lay down some laws for the future. The three things I personally would want cleared up if I was in your place are a) your bf getting upset when you hang with guys b) your bf having this girl "friend" who you aren't able to know/meet?, c) your bf having a girl "friend" who has friends that are getting your bf phone number from her.

    I don't have an outright answer for you but you're young so if things end up turning out for the worse, keep your chin up and move on. I'm also sorry if anything I say upsets you...I've been through a lot of the situations(almost exact) you spoke of in your initial and follow up posts so I thought I'd speak up.

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    Senior Member KyraBanks's Avatar
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    Quote Originally Posted by orlj29
    At best, it seems like your relationship is leaning towards the unhealthy side of things in regards to trust and maybe in a few other areas as well?
    At worst, the situation with this girl and your bf seems fishy to me...not sure what kind of fish but just fishy. I don't mind girls I get involved with hanging onto their guy friends and actually prefer to let them hang alone, but if they or the guys went out of their way to avoid me, I wouldn't put up with it for a second...I trust until I'm given a reason not to.

    I've been quick to throw people away in the past and although I'm starting to see the light in regards to not throwing people away for little things, double standards and trust aren't little things. At the least you should get things cleared up and lay down some laws for the future. The three things I personally would want cleared up if I was in your place are a) your bf getting upset when you hang with guys b) your bf having this girl "friend" who you aren't able to know/meet?, c) your bf having a girl "friend" who has friends that are getting your bf phone number from her.

    I don't have an outright answer for you but you're young so if things end up turning out for the worse, keep your chin up and move on. I'm also sorry if anything I say upsets you...I've been through a lot of the situations(almost exact) you spoke of in your initial and follow up posts so I thought I'd speak up.
    It doesn't hurt my feelings. You all are helping me because for so long he acted like I was overreacting to this. I was also quick to throw away people and when I started dating him, I started doubting myself and saying that maybe I should be a little more easy going. Putting up with this has made me feel like I'm not being real with myself. I have learned alot from this relationship though and that I am thankful for. I can honestly see myself going back to being "quick to throw away" and quick to moving on again. I think I was happier back when I did it that way. I don't ever want to put up with anything that makes me feel uncomfortable ever again. I am getting to know myself and I don't want to change and become someone that I don't like for anyone.

  20. #20
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: relationship question...long post

    so.. what happened kyra.. Did you confront it?

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