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Thread: Dating the customer?

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    Member willow24's Avatar
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    Sad Dating the customer?

    Ok....wierd situation. About 2 years ago our club went under major renovation. First the inside and now the outside. The architect/designer used to have to come in and meet with the Managers. While he would wait, he'd sit at the bar and talk to me. Sometimes he would come in as a customer and sometimes on business. I met him about a year ago. So he had a girlfriend for the past year and a half and they broke up in October. Then got back together.
    About 3 months ago, i gave him my number. He would call occationally, but i never answerd. I had a crush on him and really really liked him. So they finally broke up for good a month ago. He came in to see me at the club and told me the story.....etc. We then played phone tag for about two weeks and then finally got together last Friday. It was fun, but i felt a major attraction to him and we started cuddling and stuff. next thing i know, we've spent the entire weekend together, and are really hitting it off. He says i'm the first girl he's been with in over a year(besides the exgirlfriend) and he wants to take it slow. Im like ok. We Spent some the night together on Tuesday, and i havent heard from him since..until today. He leaves me a message saying he wants to talk about the nature of our relationship, and how he wants to not see me for a while because its too much for him and he's confused etc....
    Im really hurt I dont know if I should call him. ignore him.....what if i see him at work? Im so sad.

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    Senior Member amber88's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    Honey, that sucks. Just don't take it personally. He has issues he's dealing with. Whatever you do don't play games. With out ringing his phone off the hook, I would call him back (if you want) and say that you got his message . I would share your feelings and dissapointments about the situation and ask him questions if you want to know a little more. I'm not a girl that's in to playing games myself. You have nothing to lose so if you want to talk to him to get some kind of closure then call him. I dought he would come to your work. But if he did you probably won't know what you'll do until you actually see him. Just do what you want. If you're gut tells you not to call him then don't. But if you want to have some final words with him..don't be afraid to call him..its his loss. Plus you don't want to be a rebound girl. He might not know what he wants.

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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    I agree. I would just call him and see where the situation stands..if anything, you could still see if you two could be friends. He might have just realized he isn't ready for another hot and heavy relationship. I can almost guarantee you that it isnt you, its just that he probably isnt ready. Just go ahead and back off a little, then if he feels ready, he will come back around, either to be friends or more.

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    Member willow24's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    i agree with you both..iwant to call, but maybe i'll wait a few days. when i got his message and called back 20 minutes later he didnt pick up. i was too upset to leave a message.
    He's a pretty steady customer, plus he's doing some design architecture stuff for the club still.
    what really bothers me is this...
    1. we were initially friends. he would come in, and we'd talk. i knew him on a personal level. so it sucks that i lost a friend.
    2. I dont feel like the rebound chick. we have a really good connection and i can tell if we carry on we will be in a serious relationship. i think he see's that too and he's not ready so soon after a just getting out of one. so its like i lost a potential boyfriend.
    3. he was a GREAT customer. He always called me to the Champaigne lounge,. Tipped super well. was so respectful.
    Its been so long since i met someone who makes me feel the way he did.
    The chemistry was always really hot between us. and we had to keep it a a distance. i was at work and he had a girlfriend. as soon as they broke up, and we got together, we couldnt keep our hands off each other.
    sigh

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    Veteran Member toxicgirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    sorry, but he's using you to fill a void that had been left by his ex. he's a s***head like that. call him and tell him you didn't deserve to be used like that. i wouldn't have anything to do with him after that.
    "RIP THE SYSTEM"

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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    I think my reaction to this situation would depend upon if you were sexually intimate with him or not. I'm assuming you were by a few subtle suggestions, though if I am wrong, this comment is irrelevant.

    I always wonder why it is men come to the conclusion they're not "ready" AFTER they fuck you. If this guy really cared about you, and had respect for people's feelings in general, he would not have gotten intimate with you knowing he wasn't ready. That sounds like typical selfish behavior to me.

    Personally, I never became involved with customers because I had one experience and that's usually all it takes for me. I had a great customer once that I was very attracted to, he was my regular for months and we had so much in common, loved the arts, went to the same undergrad university, and so when we met for dinner one time, I thought it was heading in a more serious direction. We spent the night together, cuddled, laughed, I was totally falling for this guy and when he said he'd call me I had no reason not to believe him. But he never did. I think at some level, the game ends for these guys when they "have" you, when that half of the fantasy is fullfilled. Part of the rush these guys experience is in the chase. After that, I saw him only once more, about a year later at a museum. He started to walk up to me and I quickly rushed over to my new boyfriend and started kissing him.

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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    Speaking as a guy that has OTC friendships with several dancers, there might be a little bit more to it than that. I think part of the problem is your guy might be having emotional issues about the fact you're a dancer.

    Watching a dancer work the crowd when the relationship is purely dancer and customer is one thing. Watching the dancer work the crowd when there is a friendship involved is another. Logically, you know that the dancers is just earning a living, but emotionally you can react differently. If this guy has gone from being a customer where you/he have a strong liking for each other to actual/potential SO over a weekend then he will inevitably be reassessing how he feels about the way you earn a living.

    With every dancer I've gone OTC with, there has come a point where they and I have had to chat about how we both react to her being a dancer. Sometimes it's a conscious decision, sometimes you find you've drifted into it, but invariably, if she/I meet while she's working, you tend to find you've wound up in a quiet corner where you can chat out of view of most people in the venue and where some at least of her dancing is out of view to you.

    It's necessary on two grounds; firstly, the dancer's earnings can be hit by the preception that she has a friend/SO in the venue and secondly, both you and the dancer can get an emotional reaction to the fact that she's working while there's a friend in the venue.

    If you want a relationship with this guy I think you are going to have to talk frankly with him about the fact that you're a dancer. You've also got to decide on the exact nature of the relationship you want - is it to be a "fun relationship" only, or do you want a long term SO?

    If you're going for the long term SO option, then bye bye meeting him inside the venue or having him as a regular. He'll have to accept that you earn your living as a dancer, but there's between knowing that and actually seeing you at work. He'll just have to learn to trust you to behave "professionally" at work and stay between mutually agreeable limits of behaviour re contact, etc.

    If you form a relationship wth this guy, he's going to react to the reality of seeing his girlfriend naked in front of strangers. No matter how "logically" you deal with the situation, his emotions will kick in the moment he sees you at work.

    If you're worried about the rebound situation then talk to him frankly about it - tell him you really like him but understand his need for a little personal space. Tell him you're happy to keep thngs on a "non serious/fun" level and see how things develop.

    My whole gut feeling about this is that you need to discuss the fact you're a dancer with him and get how he feels about it into the open. You then need probably need to come to some arrangement that he you keep your personal lives seperate from your work - i.e he does NOT meet/see you at work.

    Good luck,

    Phil W.

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    Featured Member Wwanderer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    Quote Originally Posted by willow24
    I dont feel like the rebound chick. we have a really good connection and i can tell if we carry on we will be in a serious relationship. i think he see's that too and he's not ready so soon after a just getting out of one. so its like i lost a potential boyfriend.
    If it has all that potential and looks like such a good relationship possibility to you, why not just give the man a little time? If his pevious relationship was a serious one, is it really too much to ask? After you break up with someone that is important to you, there is more than one impact on possible new relationships. The familiar/cliched one is the "rebound", the urge to quickly find a "replacement" for the one who is gone without caring much who the replacement is or what his/her needs are. But there are other effects too. One is that making any sort of commitment to a new person means truly and deeply accepting that your previous love is gone from your life; even if you know that to be the truth intellectually, it can be uncomfortable to confirm it emotionally by beginning to love a new partner, etc. And these factors and other feelings (the fear of getting "hurt" again, for example) can get all mixed up and become very complicated, making it difficult for the person to really know how they feel. Really, it is just human nature and is not that different for men and women, imo.

    So, if the guy wants to go slow, or even just wait for a bit, re your relationship, he may well being doing you a favor as much as himself. If you ever end up having a relationship with him, it would be better for it to have a "clean start" rather than one all mixed up with the end of his previous one, wouldn't it?

    -Ww
    "At this moment what more need we seek?
    As the Truth eternally reveals itself,
    This very place is the Lotus Land of Purity,
    This very body is the Body of the Buddha."
    - Zazen Wasan

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    Senior Member jadenphilly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    I would just be very careful, this guy may be using for the rebound. And that can be very hard. It also may be a problem for him that you are a dancer.

    In experience with men in strip clubs they dont mind that you are a dancer until , there may be a realtionship brewing. It is all fine and sexy for them until they want you to meet Mommy. Not saying that, that is what he wants. But just be careful, when you meet men in strip ckubs that is an odd start to begin with. My motto has always been never, ever date any man that you meet in a strip club. It is a heartache in the making, for either him or you.

    Just be carefulk sweetheart, don't let your heart be wide open.

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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    Haha toxic girl i love your posts. Your so open and aggressive. It's hot!Willow, good luck. I suggest trying to have one calm, mature talk with him for closure. This way, your mind can be put more at ease. I also suggest that you have ,what you want to say, exactly in mind.(This way you have no regrets when the phone call is over)There could be many reasons for his action towards you. Tell him you will remain his friend, then give him his space. If he respects you ,in that sense, he will make sure to be totally honest with you. My heart is broken right now with a guy i dated too. Your not in the boat alone =/

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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    Quote Originally Posted by willow24
    Ok....wierd situation. About 2 years ago our club went under major renovation. First the inside and now the outside. The architect/designer used to have to come in and meet with the Managers. While he would wait, he'd sit at the bar and talk to me. Sometimes he would come in as a customer and sometimes on business. I met him about a year ago. So he had a girlfriend for the past year and a half and they broke up in October. Then got back together.
    About 3 months ago, i gave him my number. He would call occationally, but i never answerd. I had a crush on him and really really liked him. So they finally broke up for good a month ago. He came in to see me at the club and told me the story.....etc. We then played phone tag for about two weeks and then finally got together last Friday. It was fun, but i felt a major attraction to him and we started cuddling and stuff. next thing i know, we've spent the entire weekend together, and are really hitting it off. He says i'm the first girl he's been with in over a year(besides the exgirlfriend) and he wants to take it slow. Im like ok. We Spent some the night together on Tuesday, and i havent heard from him since..until today. He leaves me a message saying he wants to talk about the nature of our relationship, and how he wants to not see me for a while because its too much for him and he's confused etc....
    Im really hurt I dont know if I should call him. ignore him.....what if i see him at work? Im so sad.

    WILLOW!! Hey!! I worked with you at the club! Left in August, but should be back by the end of March.

    Sorry to hear about your "predicament", though. You know...I would just give him his space. He's just gotten out of this relationship. He may be attracted to you, but...sometimes people just need a decompression time. A time to be by themselves, etc. I know that you are hurt, but at least be thankful that he was straight-forward with you and honest. He could have just blown you off and pretended like nothing happened. Don't call him anymore...be yourself around him (as much as possible)...and just let things go from there. The more you "crowd" someone like this...the more they'll pull away. So, let him go. As the old saying goes, "He's only yours if he comes back to you...willingly."

    s Hope you feel better soon.

    VG

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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    Quote Originally Posted by toxicgirl
    sorry, but he's using you to fill a void that had been left by his ex. he's a s***head like that. call him and tell him you didn't deserve to be used like that. i wouldn't have anything to do with him after that.
    He fucked you, ignored you, then said he didn't want to be with you.

    Sorry, he's just not that into you.

    You write "he said he wants to NOT see me for a while" and then you ask everyone what you should do?

    Forget about him. If he liked you he would not ignore you after sex and then say he needs space or whatever. Have more self-respect.

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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    Hey everyone~
    I just got home from work. You are all so helpful in understanding things in an exterior perspective.
    I can understand where he's coming from and i respect that.
    i guess he just needs some time
    I'll wait a few days and call. if he really wants to see me im sure he'll call.

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    Member willow24's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating the customer?

    Hey everyone~
    I just got home from work. You are all so helpful in understanding things in an exterior perspective.
    I can understand where he's coming from and i respect that.
    i guess he just needs some time
    I'll wait a few days and call. if he really wants to see me im sure he'll call.

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