We can only take this for pulp danger it is..
This is an actual ARCH-vllain COMMUNICATING TO HER HENCHMEN...
Greetings fellow ArchVillians,
We must finally admit that to date our tactics have not brought us much success. For every Diabolical plot that actually goes as planned ten are foiled by rogue do-gooders.
We must, therefore, change our tactics. I propose a few minor things that may help a few would be world conquerors avoid the usual pitfalls and enjoy a healthy career as an ArchVillian.
I will now make my propositions, beginning with our Secret Lairs.
- We must no longer leave ventilation ducts unguarded. Many a fledgling Villain had met an early retirement merely by overlooking this.
- We must stop revealing the location of our Secret Lairs to everyone we do business with. If a Hero can get your address simply by shaking down "Tony the Rat", there's something wrong.
- We must hide our self destruct buttons better. It is a necessary evil to have one, we all know that, but do we need to put a neon sign over it saying "SELF DESTRUCT"? My suggestion is to mark it "Michael Bolton album dispenser", no one will ever touch it then.
- We must always keep a second secret Lair. Many Villains could have avoided a lot of trouble just by having a second Lair about.
Thus concludes my proposition to you concerning our Secret Lairs, i will now continue concerning our Henchmen.
- We really must train our Henchmen to shoot better. I realize classes are expensive, but think of what we could accomplish if our Henchmen could actually hit the good guys?
- We definitely need to start picking better Thugs. It seems to not matter who we send a Thug out after, or how big our Attacker is, he comes home crying like a little girl! We must look up Steven Segall's martial art's school!
- We must take off more clothes! Yes, you read it right. Take off more clothes. Hero's seem to have learned a secret method of avoiding bullets simply by removing clothing. We must learn this skill, it seems that our armored Henchmen die with one gunshot while a single hero who removes his shirt can destroy the entire soviet army in 90 minutes. This effect is apparently triples for female heroes, i'm told!
I realize my propositions are controversial, fellow ArchVillians, yet i ask you to hear me out. My final thoughts concern our own behavior. Yes, I'm afraid we must change as well...
- We must resist the urge to brag. I know it's hard to resist telling the hero your Diabolical plot when he's helpless but, take it from me, helpless Hero's... aren't. If you really, really, really can't resist, then at least make sure the Hero is sufficiently trapped (say, in a tank of sharks), and make sure and have someone wait around until the bitter end.
- We really must stop leaving the good guys unattended. Unattended Heroes get up to no good.
- We must stop doing things like waiting three weeks to marry the captive princess on the night of skulls, marry her now! If you give the Hero three whole weeks, who knows what he'll come up with!
Well, my fellow would-be Tyrants? What say you to these changes that could lead us to Victory?
Sincerely,
Dr. Destruction
Brotherhood of Intercosmic ArchVillians,
Local Union #13,428
My fellow ArchVillians,
I think the Doc's been drinking again.
Take Care
Evil Steve from planet-X
Brotherhood of intercosmic ArchVillians.
Local Union #234,759
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