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Thread: More relationship stuff....

  1. #1
    Featured Member krys's Avatar
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    Default AAARRRGGHGHHH More relationship stuff....

    How do you make it work when you are on different schedules?

    I work nights and my bf works long days.

    It seems like when I am waking up my man is ready to fall asleep, when he wants to go out I want to chill at home......

    Reality is setting in now that the infatuation stage has worn off and it seems like we never get our timing in sync.

    Anyone else experience this? Any solutions?

    k
    Last edited by krys; 02-27-2005 at 11:56 PM.

  2. #2
    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    The best thing you can do is one of you switch your work schedule to the other's. I know that isn't always possible, but if you can, it will help out. Many years ago, I was a security guard on second shift and my live-in was a grad student. She simply went into the lab when I headed into work. I dropped her off and picked her up when I was done. She could make that change and I couldn't. It saved our relationship ... though it did eventually break up, but not over that.
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    Featured Member Meea's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    This exactly was one of the reasons I decided to break up - but this is just me.. Let's not do anything drastic because of some stripper on the internet!

  4. #4
    Featured Member krys's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    Quote Originally Posted by Pumpkin Pie
    The best thing you can do is one of you switch your work schedule to the other's.
    Good in theory but he leaves home at 7 and returns anywhere between 7-9pm. He lives an hour out of town and is a self confessed workoholic.

    I tried to change my hours but I just don't make money on a day shift, my alter-ego only comes out at night

    Quote Originally Posted by Meea
    This exactly was one of the reasons I decided to break up - but this is just me.. Let's not do anything drastic because of some stripper on the internet!
    But why Meea? They happen to be some of the wisest people I know

  5. #5
    Featured Member krys's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

    Why does this shit have to be so difficult!? Why did I even bother getting into a relationship in the first place!!

    I am so torn up about what to do it just keeps going round and round in my head.

    I asked my man how he would feel if I was to change my work hours so it was a bit more workable for us. I was expecting an 'oh that would be great honey I would love to see you more' ... but I got some babble about the fact that he would still have work to do after workk etc... not the positive motivating response I was after.

    I know he was saying it partly for me (I usually haven't done so well on the earlier shifts in the past) but a little enthusiasim please!!

    I feel like I am the one who has to make the sacrfices here.... and thinking about it we only seem to catch up when HE has the time.

    I am wondering if there is too much baggage to even bother

    see post: http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46110

    I don't know if this is really going anywhere and I don't want to lose time or potential $$ on something that is a dead end!!

    Hate this crap! I love the guy, but shit!!

  6. #6
    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    Krys,

    You work a second shift job. No matter what job that is, it hurts relationships. If you're lucky, you find someone that can either adjust to your schedule or is already working your schedule. Unfortunately, most of the best jobs for men are on the dayshift.

    What I don't recommend is shifting to a dayshift if it means making a lot less money. Exotic dancing is like sports. It has a limited lifespan due to the demand for physical perfection. I would recommend either doing it hard-core (getting as much money out of it as you can ... and stocking away as much as you can for your second career) or starting your second career now.

    As for your relationship, being of the opposite personality type is actually a good thing. You balance each other out. However, that's saying he's really your opposite personality and not just a workaholic.
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    Featured Member krys's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    Thanks for the quick reply p.pie, I need it right now.

    Yeah I am working on the career stuff studying and working on slowly transferring my skills. The plan is to make as much $$ as I can in the next year or so before I get out.

    I guess this relationship isn't really going to help me with that goal.

    I find it hard to focus at work when I am in a relationship, for some reason I start feeling guilty. It's even worse when the guy doesn't like what you do (even though you met him there!)

    His focus is on work right now too... I just don't think either of us are in a position (emotional, physical or mental) to give it 100% and thats what any relationship deserves if its gonna get anywhere.

    Plus the being from different countries makes things alot harder, and puts more pressure there.

    There is alot of good stuff there too... but perhaps not enough to make such big sacrifices??...

  8. #8
    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    Krys,

    I would recommend you sit down with paper and pencil and think how much money you'll need for the next stage of your life. Once you figured it out, double it. Keep working until you reach that goal.

    As for your relationship, that he doesn't now like what you do for a living but was where he met you isn't what I would call a great sign for a good relationship. Just the opposite.

    What different countries are you two from?
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    God/dess kitana's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    Punkin, great advice! I too agree with writing down what you will think you'll need, but I would triple it not just double it.

    I think you and him need to have a little sit down chit chat. Ask him how he feels about you guys not haveing very much time together. Judge his responses. If he acts upsed about it, then chances are he is, but if he comes off nonchalant about it, then chances are he doesn't really care about the two of you.

    I hate to say it, but you need to worry more about you right now. If he loves you and wants to make it work, he will do what he can to make it work.

    Good luck in whatever you guys decide to do!

    Kitana
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  10. #10
    Featured Member krys's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    Quote Originally Posted by Pumpkin Pie
    Krys,

    As for your relationship, that he doesn't now like what you do for a living but was where he met you isn't what I would call a great sign for a good relationship. Just the opposite.

    What different countries are you two from?
    He respects that I work where I do and I have already told him to never ask me to stop. We have an understanding on that part. I just can't really disscuss any work related stuff with him. He is fairly traditional in some respects I guess.... this attitude does make it harder for me sometimes to 'focus' on work.

    We are both currently living in Canada; I am from New Zealand, he is from Mexico (but has been here for over 4 years.) I am in a potentially temporary situation, and he has big dreams to work in the States.

    If we tried we could probably make it work somehow.... but is it really worth the effort.....

    We do get on well when we are together but its all the stuff that is coming to my head when we are apart that is bothering me.

    When you are in love do you just know, or is it naturally too have so many doubts?

    Quote Originally Posted by kitana
    I hate to say it, but you need to worry more about you right now. If he loves you and wants to make it work, he will do what he can to make it work.
    You are right kitana, you are right.....

    Thanks guys, I really appreciate the help here.

    k xo

  11. #11
    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    Quote Originally Posted by krys
    He respects that I work where I do and I have already told him to never ask me to stop. We have an understanding on that part. I just can't really disscuss any work related stuff with him. He is fairly traditional in some respects I guess.... this attitude does make it harder for me sometimes to 'focus' on work.
    Sorry, but I'm not quite understanding what you're meaning by the above. It sounds like you've reached a truce. That you cannot talk about your work with him is a bad sign. Not that you should take your work home with you regardless what work you do, but you should be able to talk about it once in a while.

    We are both currently living in Canada; I am from New Zealand, he is from Mexico (but has been here for over 4 years.)
    By your avatar, I'm assuming you're white and by him being from Mexico, I'm assuming his Hispanic, right? Culture and race issues shouldn't be ignored and this might be part of the problem, especially the culture issue.

    I am in a potentially temporary situation, and he has big dreams to work in the States.
    What do you mean by "temporary situation"? And what "big dreams" does he have that he thinks he can accomplish in the States and not where he's at? Or were you literal in that his big dreams is just working in the States and, if so, why does he want to do so? Or to put it another way, why does he think working in America is better than working in Canada?

    If we tried we could probably make it work somehow.... but is it really worth the effort.....

    We do get on well when we are together but its all the stuff that is coming to my head when we are apart that is bothering me.

    When you are in love do you just know, or is it naturally too have so many doubts?
    First, real life (and the relationships that exist there) and life as portrayed by Hollywood are not one and the same. The only people that live happily ever after work at it and never take their relationship for granted. The moment you take your relationship for granted is the moment your relationship becomes an old shoe and gets treated as such.

    Second, I do not hold to the theory that there is only one special person out there for everyone. I think people can have meaningful deep loving relationships with numerous people. However, those "numerous people" are spread very thinly throughout the world's six-plus billion people. *laugh*

    Now the two points above might sound like they're oppose each other, but they don't. The key is finding someone in the second point then working to make the relationship work in the first. Real relationships are after the honeymoon stage is over. When is that? My humorous definition is when the guy finally relaxes enough to fart in her presense and the gal relaxes enough to ask him to buy her some tampons at the store.

    It does sound like the honeymoon is over for you. Now the question is: Is it a relationship of love or convenience? Or putting it another way ... Is it deepening or drifting?

    If it is love, work at it. If it is convenience, life is too short and you need to move on. However, I cannot make that call for you. Only you can. What I can say is don't rush to a conclusion or by yourself. Discuss it with him. You'll know the true state of your relationship from that decussion. Oh, and if he calmly discusses it without any emotion, no matter what he says, odds are the relationship is drifting.
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  12. #12
    Featured Member krys's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    #1- He would never ask me to stop my job, but thinks there are better ways of doing things.
    I guess the idea of me getting naked for other guys bothers him also (hence the traditional comment.) Going to work knowing that it bothers him also affects me. We don't talk about it, and he never mentions it but the tension is there.

    #2 - The culture thing hasn't effected us too much yet. He has been living in Canada for awhile so is fairly 'Canadian'

    #3 - I am on a one year work visa.. hoping to extend on a work permit but nothing is certain. This also puts stress there as there is 'dates' that we have over our head (as to when I have to leave and when he may go to the States)

    #4- He is a workoholic and working in the States is all about the $$ and getting ahead in his career

    #5 - Yes the honeymoon is over, reality is sinking in. Now I just have to choose which reality.

    I have concluded (this morning on the way home from the gym) that I would be silly to sacrifice anything for something so uncertain. So all I can do is go about achieving my goals and he can go about achieving his. If we meet in the middle great, if not, bye-bye.
    Then I will see how different our lives really are, and if it will work.

    Thanks so much for helping me make sense of this P.pie... where do I send the bill?

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    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re: More relationship stuff....

    Quote Originally Posted by krys
    Thanks so much for helping me make sense of this P.pie... where do I send the bill?
    Saying I'm not in Tokyo, Shanghai, or Bangkok by June (http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46228), come to the Chicago SW Fest.
    Last edited by Pumpkin Pie; 02-28-2005 at 11:48 AM.
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