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Thread: A serious problem with my Finace'

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    Member poisonous101's Avatar
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    Default A serious problem with my Finace'

    I met my fiance' while working at a SC in OK. I actually met him through a friend of mine {he never went into the club}. I had been there almost a year and was otherwise content with my job as well as the financial stability it offered. Now I have a son {not with him} that he offered to watch at night while I was working, to save money. About 1 month into our relationship I started having problems at work and was getting slightly burnt out, so I decided to take a break. My fiance' at the time was in the military and was in the process of being medically discharged {VERY long story}. We then decided together to move to Florida and be closer to my family I have here. So we moved here and within a month of moving here I found out I am pregnant {currently 6 months at this moment}. Everything was going great and we were so happy when we first got here, then everything started to roll down hill. We started fighting about me dancing, which I hadn't done in 2+ months. He started putting blame on me and saying how unhappy he was when I was dancing {yet he never mentioned it in OK} and that there was no time for us. He badgered me into saying I wouldn't dance again {besides the fact that I was growing increasingly stressed out- which isn't good in pregnancy}.

    Now here is the interesting part of this story. When we got here he was offered a job at a shop on the beach, where we live. He started work at 10am and would be home around 6pm. Which I was very content with. He got in good with the owners and within 2 months was a manager. Then "Spring Break" arrives... He has worked every single day for 5+ weeks, from 9am until 2-4am the next day. He has become the most irritable person on this planet from lack of sleep. When he gets home I have already been asleep for 3-5 hours and he wants to have sex but I'm not having anything to do with that just waking up and all. So we fight in the morning because my libido is supposedly gone because I don't want to have sex right when I wake up and am still extremely tired.

    Now, he has become the sole provider {which I am not used to because I had been the one working in OK} and I stay at home with my son and my pregnancy. He pays the bills on the first with a check he gets every month, and he puts the rest of the money from his job in a jar to save {which he recounts every night when he gets home from work}. Now that is fine with me, but if I need money and I take it out of the jar... all hell breaks loose. I am automatically questioned about what was so important that I needed to buy with his money he saved. Even if I tell him we needed to buy milk and bread he gets so angry.

    Also, I am a very clean and immaculate person, but being pregnant I sometimes get very tired and have to go a few extra days before I clean the house. He will yell at me for being lazy because I haven't washed his jeans and he is the one having to work. I have offered to work but he tells me that I shouldn't bother because I would only last a month before I quit and that it would just go back to him working and me being lazy.

    Well, I have tried everything to compromise with him. I quit stripping {something I might add, I LOVED to do} and stayed home with the babies. I always ask to use money out of the jar now. I call him and tell him everywhere I go {although I don't have friends here, so its basically just Wal mart for me}. I walk on eggshells when we talk because I don't know exactly what might cause a fight between us anymore. And I do everything even when my body says "Rest".

    Now, I talked to my mom {the grestest woman alive!} and she told me to give him an ultimatum. That after spring break is over {in about a month} shit better go back to the way it was or I am packing mine and the kids bags and we are leaving. Plus I have ways of coming into money so leaving would be relatively easy. But how do you bring it up without sounding like you are going to leave right then and there?

    Any advice would be so helpful... I know this is hard to understand but I tried to fit a long story into a small space!

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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    I would do just what you said you would do. True, you might not have a job, but you cook, clean, take care of the kids, ect, and that is a job within itself, as any stay at home mom will tell you. And if he wants his jeans washed quicker, you tell him to get off his ass and do it himself. You are not there to cater to his every little need or whim. Sure, he might work, but it sounds like hes working too hard. He might consider hiring some help so he wont be so grouchy and bitchy when he does get time off from work. I would let him know, and make it very clear, that I would go back to dancing if I wanted to, without him having say so in it. You do what you need to do to support your family. If it keeps up at the rate its going and you are unhappy, I would leave his ass, until he straightened up, or if he did straighten up.

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    Member poisonous101's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Thanks for the advice Amber! I have been working my ass to the bone and I don't know what else I can do... I think maybe the best thing for myself to do right now is sit down with him {regardless if he is tired, which I am too!} and have a long conversation about the current situation. If this continues I might have to move in with my mom until the baby is born, then move on from there back to OK. Besides the fact that OK is WAY cheaper then Florida... so I atleast have an option to get my self back on top and take care of my kids. So even if he doesn't want to shape up then I atleast have my options.

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    Veteran Member Yea's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Aww sweetie, I’m sorry your going thru this during your pregnancy. I experienced something similar. It’s really hard to say what you should do but here is what I think:

    It is completely natural to have added stress, fighting and ish during this time. You just moved, your having a baby, AND he is working long hours.

    What really bothers me thou is that he is demanding about you dancing, my ex was like this and it only got worse in time. I QUIT dancing for him AND he continuously insulted me about it every time we argued for a year later ! I left his ass, who wants to hear that for ever!

    Also, the fact he is COUNTING money??? You have to ask him?? WTF. I think you know what I want to say about that.

    Needless to say you are not his maid! You have zero obligation to his jeans nor to have sex with him at his beck and call. He seems selfish and uncompassionate to your pregnancy.

    I say talk to him and express your desires, if you do not see a change and receive compassion from him you should perhaps consider leaving. I hate to say that seeing as your pregnant BUT if he is so thoughtless toward you now when you are pregnant, imagine when your not!

    Good luck to you and your children.
    Kiss


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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    That is another thing, the money issue. That money is as much his as it is yours. After two people are together, there is no more my money/your money, its OUR money. Period. He needs to be put in check.

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    God/dess britneyireland's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    I disagree with Amber completely. I wouldn't have a few years ago, but now that I am happily married (after lots of therapy) I have a completely different outlook on relationships.

    I agree with him, you have been lazy.

    Your fiance is working 18 hour days to provide for you, your son, and your unborn child. Although you are pregnant, you still have a job. You are the CEO of your household. It IS your job to cook, clean, make sure the household runs smoothly and (yes) have sex with your fiance. Think about how you would feel if you were working round the clock and came home to find all your clothes were dirty, had nothing to wear to work the next day, and had to spend another hour washing the clothes that already should have been done. Regardless of how tired you are, complete your household duties as though they were a job.

    I posted this concept on another thread the other day, but basically men view sex as a means of expressing their love to you. When you deprive him of that, he is confused, frustrated and doesn't feel connected to you. Of course you are going to fight, because he is confused, frustrated, and doesn't feel connected to you. The next time he comes home and wants to express his love to you at 4 am, wake up and do it. I'll bet you'll even like it after a few minutes!! The quickest way to an affair is by not meeting the emotional needs of your partner, and he NEEDS to make love to you.

    Money is the #1 thing that couples fight over, so the two of you must put together a budget. You shouldn't have to use "savings" to buy groceries. Furthermore, money (and fighting over money) seemed to be the predominant issue in your post. So you need to ask yourself...is he a pretty decent hard-working guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with? Where are the roots of our problems, can they be fixed, and do I want to WORK on fixing them? Only you can answer those questions and you have to realize that happy marriages are made of compromises, not ultimatums.

    If this is his busy season, then you need to respect that and know that come June (or whenever) that he will have more time for the family. If he continues this work pattern, then he needs to compromise and take some time off to spend with you.

    Since you have an internet connection try www.marriagebuilders.com It is a great website put together by Willard Harley, the author of many great books, including His Needs, Her Needs that pretty much saved my marriage. Also, the next time you are at Walmart pick up Dr. Laura Schlessinger's The proper care and feeding of husbands. Both these books can also be downloaded on pdf format at amazon.com if you can't get out of the house.

    Good Luck. I hope you don't think I was too harsh, but sometimes you need a non-biased opinion.
    Rebecca Avalon







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    Veteran Member Yea's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Britney, I agree with allot of what you’ve stated however, during pregnancy no woman should be expected to be up in full swing.. you know what I mean? When I was pregnant I was very tiered and in my last trimester sex was actually painful. That’s just not right nor realistic for many women.

    In a partnership you shouldn’t have to ask for money. Period. (as long as your reasonable of course)


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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Personally, I don't think any spouse should be working long hours for an extended period of time. He is lucky she doesn't cheat. A friend of mine made that mistake.
    Yes, the money is all "our" money unless agreed on ahead of time.
    Yes, she should do her "duty". I have an idea that may help... since you don't like being woken-up... could you get him to tell you which nights he expects that and you can wake-up a period of time before he gets home so that you are more willing?
    And YES, you should be cut slack for being pregnant!
    Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.

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    God/dess britneyireland's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Madonna ran 5 miles a day up til she gave birth to Lourdes. My pilates trainer went into labor on the cadillac. My next door neighbor is a 2nd grade teacher and she worked 8 hours a day with 29 screaming 7 year olds until her water broke at recess. I saw a city bus driver who could barely hold onto the steering wheel over her about-to-pop belly. In comparison, being a stay at home mom doesn't sound too bad.

    Pregnant women can and are just as productive in the workplace as non-pregnant ones. Sure, they are a lot more tired and a lot moodier, but being pregnant is not an excuse to not get the job done. Can you imagine if every pregnant worker in America started asking their bosses for extra paid time off, or if they could get away with only doing half the job requirements? Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking being a stay at home mom. I think it is a hard job with a lot of job requirements that need to be met regardless.

    I can understand if vaginal sex is painful, then no, don't do it. But there are plenty of other ways to make love to your partner. If the relationship is worth saving, look into alternative love-making methods. To restrict all emotional contact to your partner is just setting the stage for an affair.

    No one should have to ask for money. An allowance for personal items should be budgeted into weekly expenditures. Any personal item over a certain pre-determined dollar amount should be discussed with the partner. For example, we don't buy any personal item over 100 dollars without consulting each other.

    Most importantly, when asking for advice consider the source. I love my mom very much, but I won't take marriage advice from a bitter divorcee.
    Rebecca Avalon







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    Member poisonous101's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Thank you for posting your advice everyone. And I know that I have lot more time on my hands as far as being a stay at home mom and pregnant.
    But when I said that it took a little while longer to get things done, is not saying I stopped doing them. I get everything done within a reasonable amount of time. And my washer and dryer are down stairs as well, no excuse but its hard carrying laundry baskets up and down stairs all day.
    Also, I do have sex with my fiance'. I have not cut him off completely. We don't have sex every night, that is really the issue. Plus I was willing to wake up a little early on some mornings to be intimate and we discussed it... but the argument I got for that one was why not every night if you will get up on the designated nights?
    And last but not least about the money... I haven't ever taken more than 50 dollars out of the jar before, and usually its no more than 10 maybe once a week, because I'd rather not use my card for a 5 dollar purchase of bread and milk.
    And yes, I will consider the source of ALL advice... thanks again everyone!

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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Now, I talked to my mom {the grestest woman alive!} and she told me to give him an ultimatum.
    As I've often said, if you want to get rid of a guy, make him an ultimatum.

    Worked on me more than a few times.

    Two cents.
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    I have read your post twice. It seems to me that this man is exerting an increasing amount of control over you. I don't claim to be an expert in your realtionship, but it seems like a continuing pattern of he makes demands, you capitulate, he makes mroe demands, you capitualte soem more . . . DOES ANYBODY ELSE SEE WHAT I SEE HERE?


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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    In my opinion a person should NEVER settle for any less than they feel they deserve and want, regardless of the circumstances. If you are truly unhappy, I guarantee you it started long before now. I say that because controlling, manipulative men cannot hide those tendencies for long. It has most likely been that way for a long time but because you were generating the money it may have taken on other forms. The controlling behavior will only get worse In my opinion, you need to take a real look at your situation. If you LOVE to dance, and I think we can all agree that there is a window of time for most women that can close very rapidly, why would you allow another person to force you to not do what you love while you can? If he can't accept what you love to do, especially since you began the relationship doing it, then you should seriously examine if he is the right person for you. However, giving an ultimatum is not productive. What you need to do is sit him down, get his full attention, and tell him what you want. His response to your wants and desires will tell you far more than any response to an ultimatum. Be good to yourself.

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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    I see it.

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    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    yea. You really dont sound happy... There is such a thing has a good relationship in which both parties are happy!

    Sex is nice, but the minute my guy DEMANDS it from me every night, ill show him the door. Doesn't matter how much i love him.

    You are not his slave. MARRIAGE is about compromise. It sounds like you are the only one doing that.

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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    I see it too. Loud and clear.
    Taffy

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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Well........... I must say many posts on here seem to have been well thought out and not everyone is agreeing with everything that Amber is saying, but there is one thing that stuck out in my mind and that is that she had been the sole provider before they moved. Doesn't this allow her to take a little bit of a break?
    I've experienced this with my fiance. I worked and he didn't and when he started working he let me take a break. He was grateful that I didn't hound him for not having job for three months and to this day he is still grateful and even asks me to take off work if I seem burnt out.
    I think you need to talk to your guy about all this, but don't come across as making him feel like he is the bad guy. You obviously agree that there are issues and they need to be talked about. You should both come to an ultimatum together if you want to be together... that's just how it works.
    He seems to feel you owe him because he's the one working, but if you are doing your best while pregnant to do your part then that's what he needs to realize. Plus, you shared your money with him so he needs to do the same.
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    Featured Member DSUsb19's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    If you are this unhappy now, I would definitely reconsider marriage. Relationships are built on friendship, trust, and compromise. If he's not understanding the fact that pregnancy is hitting you like a ton of bricks, then you need to make him understand. If he was medically discharged from the Army, then something took the wind out of his sails too. There's a big difference between expressing a desire for sex to your partner, and flat out demanding it. The money issue should not exist. If you're getting things that are necessary to keep yourself, your child, and him sustained, then that's all that should matter. Props to Casual Observer though, ultimatums simply breed resentment. Have a major heart to heart with your guy. If he seems too close-minded to have the talk, or does not listen and compromise, you have your answer. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that? Remember, you're only 21. Good luck. I hope everything works out. Do what makes you happy.
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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    There is dysfunction on both sides of the equation here. There needs to be corrective steps by both partners if you wish to salvage this relationship.

    I should make it clear- if you have ANY reservations about this relationship, you're best off just flying the coop now than drag this guy along any longer. It's much better to just end it than to make feeble or half-hearted attempts at salvaging a dysfunctional relationship. You already know somewhere if this is the case, it's best to be honest with yourself AND him to reach that honest result now rather than 6-8 months later.

    That being said- it sounds to me like this guy is doing the proper things (with a few exceptions) that a responsible father would do in the current situation of having a child on the way. He's basically paying the bills, then funnelling off what remains into savings; likely to afford the massive onslaught of expenses having a child entails. Believe me- if you go to a decent hospital for birthing, regardless of the insurance plan involved, you'll be forking out thousands in the end. Even more if there are ANY form of complications, which are pretty common. Extended labor, jaundice, possibly infant somewhat sickly, etc.etc.

    He's exhibiting very controlling behavior and some untrusting behavior. This is very likely reinforced by the sex strike occurring. Britney is 100% correct that a man *cannot* feel attached to a mate/spouse when there is no attempt by such to have physical intimacy. Note- "physical intimacy" which is a far cry from "letting him fuck me".. A man looks at everything he does for his woman in terms of the sacrifice he has to make in order to provide such actions- in this guy's case, saving, paying the bills, allowing you to be unemployed, looking over your schucking of any household chores, working double-overtime style hours and generally trying to be a good provider for you and your child. In his eyes, he's not seeing any kind of sacrifice in return, which in effect to him is you controlling your relationship and keeping him at arm's length away from you. The fact that sex is being handled AS a sacrifice is a double-blow. If it becomes physically painful, then this should be the forefront of your assertion. There is only a matter of time before this accumulated neglect will backfire and make him move on.

    From your side of the story, it sounds like his biggest fault is two-fold:
    1) He's not setting aside proper allowances for normal expenses. How often are your reaches into the savings jar actually milk, bread, eggs or food? Does he do the grocery shopping or do you?
    2) He's working way too many hours.

    Your quitting dancing is still a big question mark. You didn't give enough details. Did he force this upon you, as in commanded it? It sounds more like he persuaded that your dancing was a problem and you decided from which to quit on your own. I'd also say you should ask yourself if his persuasion was 100% selfish, or if it was at least partially out of concern for you, your well being, as well as your child. I know if I had a pregnant girlfriend, I'd feel leary of her being in smoke filled clubs night after night. Other than that, if she enjoyed it- I'd be all for it... IF she truly enjoyed the job, and it wasn't just false happiness charaded over increased income and spending money.

    I do agree with other women here- while you are his SO, the money made is both yours and his money. I would only suggest you review his frugal tactics to see if he is being wise or unwise with said finances. If his allowances for day to day expenses are irrational, this needs to be addressed as such. You should also explore in yourself your dancing and revisit this with him if you're certain you have an actual desire for the job itself and not simply the money or increased financial control in the relationship. From what you described, you had total financial control at one time and he was okay with that. Now that the tables have turned due to your quitting dancing and being pregnant, you're feeling pains in this position.

    I gotta say, this is one of the rare cases on this site I actually feel sorry for the guy. Provided he is truly busting his ass, been faithful, working long weeks and saving as much as he can for a child... then coming home night after night to a disorderly home and an SO that is on sex strike, treats sex with him as a chore, and illustrating zero interest in his well being or needs... boy, that would really break a guy down over time! I honestly would expect him to either start cheating or call it quits once he's hit his limit.
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Ok, from my side of things, I will suggest the following:

    make sure that this guy IS truly working as many hours as he says he is. I felt sorry for my ex too, because he was busting his ass. The truth is, he wasn't at work. He was with another girl. Until you have proven this guy is being honest, you really can't make a decision. 9am until 3 am just doesn't sound believable. I don't know how to tell you to find out, but you need to. Asking him won't do shit. Don't give him any indication you think so or he will just become sneaky. Have him followed by someone you can trust or something.

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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    Brittany and Polecat, I think you are being too hard on her. She never said that she was refusing sex or that her house had fallen apart. In her second post she made it clear that she did as much as she could for the house, even when already exhausted, and that she was willing to wake up for sex on designated nights, jsut not EVERY night. In response, he is just demanding more and more.

    Preganancy hits every woman differently. I worked up until the day my water broke, but I did damn little else. I just couldn't. As far as his demanding that she keep an immaculate house and wake up in the middle of the night, EVERY night, after being home all day with a TODDLER (exhausting in the best of conditions), that is not exactlay in the best interest of the baby, is it?

    Being a SAHM is HARD. Harder than dancing, IMO. It was harder for me than any ohter job I have EVER had.

    As to the original problem, I see a pattern of his demands continually escalating and her continually giving in to them. He was essentailly forced out of the military, so he may still be looking for the unconditional respect and powere conferred by rank. He may still expect thier home to be as orderly as a recruit's wall locker (not practical in a civillian home with a toddler). He may miss the structure, order, and attention to detail he is ued to, and expect his creative, dancer partner to adhere to his military standards.

    Then ther is the issue of the money, and the fact that she has virtually no friends except her mom. If as she says, she is taking $10 or $20 at a time out of the jar, and he is having a fit about it, then one of 3 things is happening: 1)he gives her NO spending money our of his checks and expects her to spend NONE 2) the allowance he gives her is too small to meet expenses, or 3) he is giving her an appropriate amount6 and she is spending too much. Answere #1 spells a controlling situation, and she needs to be careful. Answeres #2 & #3 mean they need to rebudget and/or reconsider what they are spending money on.

    As far as finding out what he is really doing after the sotre closes, that can be tricky. I did work in a retail store alone one year from thanksgiving to christmas, and I was there for 2-3 hours after close many nights, but not the kind of hours you are talking about. It may be possible, depending on what type of store he is running and how many employees he has, but maybe not very likely.

    Honey, please be VERY careful here!


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    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    I'd probably move in with my mom immediately and stay there until the relationship gets fixed.

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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    this post makes me sad. from what i understand, he is becoming more controlling. why all the sudden he doesn't want you dancing? ok, maybe he is concerned for the baby, but it sounded like he doesn't want her to go back after. also, it sounds like he is picking on any little thing. the issue with the money and how he doesn't want her dancing makes me think he is one of those men that wants to keep her under his control. the way he is doing this is by supporting her and not allowing her to make her own money.therefore, he wants her to completely rely on him.

    i have seen both men and women who are controlling in this way. i hope i am wrong and i hope things work out. but that is how it looks to me. i would run. please take care of yourself and your children.

  24. #24
    Featured Member greggy's Avatar
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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    gee, you're lucky this happened before the wedding, not after. sweetie, this is the start of a controlling and possibly abusive relationship. even if it doesn't get to that point, financial issues is a major cause of divorce, contrary to popular belief.

    if you're gonna do the ultimatum, do it when you're both calm and say it in a sweet but stern tone, and be serious about it... let him know you're willing to try a bit more before leaving.

    just remember though, if the sh*t hits the fan, then GO! pick up your kids and leave, no man is worth staying in unhappiness and no kid deserves to see their mom unhappy. i'm sick of hearing girls say, "i love him" and "i want to keep the family together, for the kids." he can be a good father from a different household and you can be happy too.

    its not worth it. all you girls out there, it's really not worth it!

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    Default Re: A serious problem with my Finace'

    I'm seeing something a little different...It seems to me that the guy thinks that being a SAHM is a no-brainer...

    I also think the guy is SCARED. I think what you are seeing are fear responses. Doesn't make them right, but maybe looking at them differently. The fact that he's changed into this within the past few months may signal that he feels a little unprepared for a new baby. Not that he's not happy about it, but that he wants to make sure that he has enough for it.

    However, I do think he needs to give you some leeway in the cleaning department. A pregnancy really takes a lot out of a woman...not only is her waistline expanding exponentially each day...the energy it takes to nourish the baby...walk around...clean house...run after a toddler...cook, etc. That's a lot of work. Pregnancy affects different women differently. I worked until a month before my daughter was born...and then took time off to relax (but she's my first...). I've had friends who couldn't get out of bed from exhaustion...so comparing her, Brittany, to women that you know who *did more* is not fair.

    Being a SAHM is exhausting. It's a 24/7 job. You don't get lunch breaks, vacations, or sick time. While it has many, many rewards...the job demand is constant. Maybe if you take a short nap with your toddler each day, it will help re-energize you...get your toddler into helping you with small chores (picking up toys...wiping down the front of the appliances with water and paper towels). Giving my daughter a focus when I'm cleaning helps me so much...instead of her being in the living room pulling out every toy in creation, she's in the kitchen wiping the appliances and floor. It actually is a help.

    Doesn't matter how much your boyfriend is working, though. There is no reason for his behavior (of course, this is your POV...the only way to really get a good grip on the situation is hearing his POV). But, from your POV, he's being very demanding and childish...and not willing to compromise.

    Again, this, IMHO, all comes down to fear. You need to sit and talk with him. No ultimatums. You both need to work out your problems. Sometimes, when men think that they have the hard life while the SAHM has it easy...it's good to take off for the day and leave Jr. with daddy. Expect all the same things that daddy expects of mommy every day. He'll soon realize that being SAHM is not all singing and sunshine.

    Either way, you both need to figure out what your goals and expectations of each other and yourselves are. Once you have an idea of what those things are, you can start to draw up a plan of how each of you is going to contribute to obtain those goals. It WILL involve partner cooperation and compromise.

    And, btw...make sure that you have help with your toddler (can your mom come over and help with the cleaning and preoccupation of the toddler) when your new baby is born.

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