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Thread: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

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    Newbie jmh743's Avatar
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    Sad Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Yes, I'm in love with a dancer. The thing is, I let the job get to me. I'm not insecure, and I trust her completely (one of the things I love about her). My mistake was to focus on the parts of the job that bother me. One is my concern for her safety (she would work private parties without a driver), the other is just a general feeling of not liking having men looking and interacting with the woman I love (in addition to all nude parties she also works in an all nude lap dance bar) in a way that I feel should be between the two of us.

    Focusing on these feelings about the job caused me to be irritable and moody towards her at times (usually brought about when aspects of the job were brought up). I honestly have not been aware of how I've been coming across to her. She has even told me that she knows that I have not been intentionally upsetting/hurting her. Obviously my reactions to her caused us to get into arguments. Our arguments have gotten her to the point that she doesn't know what to do with the relationship. She has been holding me in relationship "limbo" for more than a week now.

    I on the other hand want to do whatever it takes to make things work. I have put A LOT of thought into my own thoughts and feelings. Reading numerous threads on this site has certainly helped me put things in perspective. While I know that I will never like the job, I know that I can accept the job. It was wrong for me to act out because of dancing, upseting her and making her feel bad/guilty for doing her job. I want her to know that I want to support what she does regardless of whether I like/agree with her. I have told her all of this, but she still remains closed off/distant to me.

    The way she wanted to leave things was to "slow things down." Although "just be friends" was never said, it's the feeling I got from her. She is in love with me (she has told me that much), but she doesn't want to deal with the realities of the relationship.

    The way we ended up leaving things was that I told her that it was too hard being left in "limbo." I just think that if two people love each other they just can't take a "break" when things get difficult. Although she wanted to keep "talking" in the meantime, she refused to acknowledge the relationship. Although it kills me to not have her in my life, I felt I had to tell her not to contact me unless she was ready to work on (put effort into) our relationship.

    I've really come to respect you ladies from reading your many posts. Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated. There is more to our story, but I feel I've already made this way too lengthy. If you have specific questions you would like to ask that may help you to advise me please ask away. Thanks! - John

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    Veteran Member Yea's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Hi John,

    It sounds like she may not be looking for a relationship. I dunno.. I personally have had a hard time with relationships while working. I prefer to be single cuz I MAKE MORE MONEY and have zero guilt to deal with..

    Both your feelings are completely natural and may never come to a compromise.. By that I mean, if she wants space.. she may not change her mind for you. Sorry.

    I suggest letting her take a break and see if she misses you.. who knows.. she just might. If not, you should move on.

    Good luck


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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Me too, yea....I like the idea of having a boyfriend, but being single makes this job sooooo much easier. I'd much rather do this while single (of course, I realize this after I get involved with them and something they do/say makes me feel like I'm limited with work, so then I want to break up)

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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    I agree, I would just let her have her break, and see if you guys can be friends for the time being. She might just see that she really does like being around you, and would like to continue the relationship. Give her time

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    God/dess colleen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Yes, I think everybody is right about the break. If she wants one or needs one then she will get it, one way or another. But YOU, my friend, also need to mention at some point, that you were wrong to make her feet badly about her job, etc., jsut like you told us here. In the first place, whiole your feelings may be perfectly natural, you need to apologise for the guilt trips, even though you did not mean to start them. Secondly, if you never say anythng, she will not have any reason to think you feel any diffferently.

    You seem like you are trying to do right by her. Good luck.


    My MySpace Page:


    When you perform... you are out of yourself--larger and more potent, more beautiful. You are for minutes heroic. This is power. This is glory on earth. And it is yours, nightly.

    --Agnes De Mille

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    Senior Member Super Cecil's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    as the good book says "love is longsuffering". so give it time.

    i've had a simular conversion with my atf. not about me mind u. but the fact that her parents are conserned. i've told her that her father was just trying
    to protect her. and his biggest problem is not with the job itself. but with the risks is poses. he's not caring that you get naked and dance for money. but he will probily be willing to goto jail should someone hurt her.

    i would probily be the same way should me and my atf ever hook up.(though it will take the direct intervention of a deity). i know the place that she works
    staff do a good job of detering the touching feely croud. but i would have a huge problem if someone actually succeeded in harming her.

    i've always tried to let life happen not try and change it. i've noticed that the world seems to show it's intermost secrets when your not forceing the rose open so to speak.

    I know that my atf knows the truth about the way I feel about her. but it's not fair to expect the same in return. her job is stressful enough without me
    adding too it. so for now i'm content to let her share what she is willing too.
    If i was to push it i would either A) destroy everything i'm built with her B)succeed in my goal. highly unlikely as it is. again direct intervention of a deity.
    Last edited by Super Cecil; 03-31-2005 at 10:09 AM.

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    Veteran Member bella622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    I am not so sure I agree... Relationships require a lot of work to maintain the commitment. I don't think you are being fair to her giving her an ultimatum about your relationship. If she is willing to keep talking to you, why would you want to close that door if you love her? If I were you, I would use that opportunity to my advantage.

    I suggest doing nice things for her... (i.e. flowers, maybe some nice lingerie, you should know what she likes). But do it unconditionally, don't do it if you would throw it back in her face if she doesn't react the way you hoped immediately. I think it's you who needs to make-up with her. I think you are the one who was initally wrong. At least thats my opinion.

    Good luck....

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    I can't really join in with the Hallmark crowd of "love conquers all."

    You really have no business seeing a dancer.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    yeah, I wish guys that can't handle a girlfriend that dances wouldn't get invovled with dancers, but the problem is that they usually think they can, and then realize that their insecurity is deeper than they thought when it's too late

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    God/dess RedZ28's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    CO is right. Never thought I'd say that too often. I you would have a hard time if your girlfriend had any occupation where she had to interact with men on a continuous basis such as a Hooter's waitress or a Coyote Ugly bartender. If you can't deal with her job, I don't know how you can support her.

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    Featured Member amylynnej's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    she'll eventually tire of you. Most of us do.
    AmyLynne

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    Newbie jmh743's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Thanks for your input everyone. Bella, I especially appreciate your words. I stopped being stubborn and gave her a call. We kept it casual (no heavy relationship discussions). I'll let her "drive," and we'll see what happens.

    BTW, I have told her that I see I was wrong and appologized for it.

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    Senior Member Super Cecil's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Quote Originally Posted by jmh743

    BTW, I have told her that I see I was wrong and appologized for it.
    welcome to manhood my friend. i always appolgize to any woman a know at least once week.

    I say "i'm sorry"
    the girls says "for what?"
    I say "for being a man"

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Super Cecil
    welcome to manhood my friend. i always appolgize to any woman a know at least once week.

    I say "i'm sorry"
    the girls says "for what?"
    I say "for being a man"
    Dude, you want to hear the truth. NO WOMAN RESPECTS ANY MAN WHO IS CONSTANTLY APOLOGIZING ESPECIALLY FOR BEING A MAN, something he can't help.........

    THAT, my dear sir, is why these broken women are running away with your money. We like men who are confident and dominant, for the most part. There are exceptions, but very few. This is for your real life, not in a SC.

    In the SC we expect you all to be our bitches.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    welcome to manhood my friend. i always appolgize to any woman a know at least once week.

    I say "i'm sorry"
    the girls says "for what?"
    I say "for being a man"
    Dude, here's a tip:

    Stop apologizing for exhibiting Y-chromosomal tendencies; you look like a pussy when you do that, and the only pussy women respect is their own.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Quote Originally Posted by amylynnej
    she'll eventually tire of you. Most of us do.
    This made me spit coffee all over my computer screen. AL, this is fucking hilarious.

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    God/dess colleen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    I think you guys are being WAY to hard on this dude. My gut instinct is that he is doing his best in this realtionship, which may or may not work out depending on a milion other variables. I don't think he is UNABLE to handle her job, jsut adjsuting to it. Give him a break!

    Not all of us are lucky enough to find a guy who will 1)figure out that he did something wrong (picking fights over her job) 2) aplolgise for #1, 3)do research on the subject that upsets him and 4)ask a bunch of strangers for advice NOT on how to make her quit her job, but on how to save the realtionship.

    No person or realationship is perfect, but if a guy is going to all this trouble to educate himself on a fairly touchy subject, I don't think he needs to run the gauntlet from us!


    My MySpace Page:


    When you perform... you are out of yourself--larger and more potent, more beautiful. You are for minutes heroic. This is power. This is glory on earth. And it is yours, nightly.

    --Agnes De Mille

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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Is this a dancer you met out side of a sc or one you just fell in love with at the club that would make a big difference on how sincere she is.
    Last Edit: September 28, 1996, 12:58:29 PM by Element Edited 156 times

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    God/dess gypsy_girlchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Quote Originally Posted by colleen
    I think you guys are being WAY to hard on this dude. My gut instinct is that he is doing his best in this realtionship, which may or may not work out depending on a milion other variables. I don't think he is UNABLE to handle her job, jsut adjsuting to it. Give him a break!

    Not all of us are lucky enough to find a guy who will 1)figure out that he did something wrong (picking fights over her job) 2) aplolgise for #1, 3)do research on the subject that upsets him and 4)ask a bunch of strangers for advice NOT on how to make her quit her job, but on how to save the realtionship.

    No person or realationship is perfect, but if a guy is going to all this trouble to educate himself on a fairly touchy subject, I don't think he needs to run the gauntlet from us!
    I must agree with this. this guy IS trying and for you all to call a guy that apologizes for his mistakes a "pussy" is RIDICULOUS! I always appreciate my fiancee when he knows he did something that hurt me. God damn it, why can't we be people and not one genital or another? Men are people as are women, we bitch about others stereotypiing dancers, well don't do it men!!!!!!!
    I have been with the same guy for nealry five years and yes he has problems with my dancing, it almost ruined our relationship also. Heck, he still hates it and has jealous episodes where he wishes I wasn't sharing my mind and body with others. But it took time for him to accept that this is me and what I will do.
    It takes TIME and we also had a brief separation before we realized we wanted to be together no matter what.
    It's VERY nice when he tells me he's sorry for being mean, because rarely is there anyone in your life that does apologize so it IS right to do and I am SURE she thinks so too.
    Please don't lick me, it tickles..



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    Veteran Member OPEN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Quote Originally Posted by colleen
    I think you guys are being WAY to hard on this dude. My gut instinct is that he is doing his best in this realtionship, which may or may not work out depending on a milion other variables. I don't think he is UNABLE to handle her job, jsut adjsuting to it. Give him a break!

    Not all of us are lucky enough to find a guy who will 1)figure out that he did something wrong (picking fights over her job) 2) aplolgise for #1, 3)do research on the subject that upsets him and 4)ask a bunch of strangers for advice NOT on how to make her quit her job, but on how to save the realtionship.

    No person or realationship is perfect, but if a guy is going to all this trouble to educate himself on a fairly touchy subject, I don't think he needs to run the gauntlet from us!

    I agree colleen very nicely said.

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    Newbie jmh743's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    I appreciate the understanding Colleen. I was asked about the dynamic of the relationship. Well, the plot thickens. We first men in our early 20's and dated for about a year. She ended the relationship not long after she started dancing, something she hid from me for a month or two. Now in our early 30's, she called me out of the blue and we've reconnected in a much deeper way than in the past. I've known about the work this time around.

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    God/dess colleen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    JMH, you might like this:

    I met my husband wehn we were in high school. We were BEST friends, as in, inseperable. Dancing was one of my first jobs out of HS, and I did it, in various forms, for several years. We each married somebody else, stayed close for a while, went our own ways, lost touch. I danced on and off all this time. After a separation of abut 8 or 10 yers, he called me, out of the blue. HE was getting divorced; I was dealing with a terminally ill fiance. The first place we agreed to meet was a bar where I was dancing. My driver for a bachelor party later that evening ditched on me at the last minute, so he drove me. We leaned on each other, angain very close friends. After both our realtionships ended, we started going out.

    We have been married 2 years last october!

    Just thought you would get a kick out of some of the parallels, take it as you will!

    Good luck. I hope it goes well for you!


    My MySpace Page:


    When you perform... you are out of yourself--larger and more potent, more beautiful. You are for minutes heroic. This is power. This is glory on earth. And it is yours, nightly.

    --Agnes De Mille

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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Have you ever talked about and if not have you ever at least wondered why after 10 long years she all the sudden calls you out of the blue and wants to be your girlfriend again? I mean lets be real here, in 10 years she has met literally tens of thousands of guys, probably had hundreds of regulars, so why did she even remember you much less know how to call you, I guess if she remembered your name and your listed she could have looked it up.

    A dancer in her 30's been doing it for 10 plus years probably longer than she wanted, maybe wants to quit, all the sudden calls old boyfriend from 10 years and wants to take up where you left off.

    Like Arsenio Hall used to say "things that make you say HMMM"

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    Newbie jmh743's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    Yea, P/H it has crossed my mind. Over the years she has come to see me as "the one that got away." Might have something to do with why she's so spooked by our arguing. I suppose not fitting that image she had of me could be shaking her up.

    I do get your point though. Although I haven't completely ignored the circumstances, I don't see them as the sole reason she came knockin'. She knows she wants to be with a "nice guy," and when she thought of "nice guy" she thought of me.

    She was able to track me down through work. I still work at the same place.

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    Member MAWGinIL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help...I'm in love with a dancer.

    You are doomed. Never fall in love with a dancer you met when she's working, there will always be that cloud of doubt hanging over everything.

    Spoken from personal experience, and that of at least 2 friends.
    All Things Sexy
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    or stop on by the Grain Belt News if you're interested in adult entertainment in the Midwest

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