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Thread: Death of a Soulmate...

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    Veteran Member NekkoStarz's Avatar
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    Sad Death of a Soulmate...

    Six months & 15 days ago; the love of my life & my soulmate died. It's really hard for me... cos I pretty much cry every day still. Secretly though, cos so many people say I've "mourned long enough". I've had deaths in my life before ~ family, friends, & pets. None have ever hit me so hard... Not to mention (or sound cold), I've never shed a tear or stumbled on my daily tasks or such. Lately though, I've been hurled into such a frenzy & sometimes depression. I just don't know what to do... Nobody around me seems to have much advice or words of any impact. Cept his mother, who I still talk with almost every weekend. I don't really know what I'm getting at posting this, I spose I just want to vent... Or maybe someone else has had such a tremendous loss & could help? It just seems as time goes further on, I get worst & worst!?!

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    God/dess Bunny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    I'm so sorry to hear that. I haven't had anything that bad happen to me so I can only imagine but it's an awful thing to even imagine. I know when my brother disappeared for only a few days and I didn't know where he was I cried nonstop. I wish I could give you some better insight to help you.

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    God/dess Malibu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    Hi Nekkostarz, it's good to see you, felt like it's been a long time.

    I'm sorry. I can honestly say that I wouldn't know what you're going through, but I could imagine. Sometimes just speaking out prevents it bottling up, you don't need to have a reason. I'm glad that his mother is still your support. Maybe by keeping in touch this often you'll both be able to grow through this together. I hope that the pain will lessen in good time. Hugs...
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    You've gotten stuck in a pattern. It isn't that you need to stop mourning completely....you just need to move to the next stage. You can feel sorrow without having to feel like a trainwreck. How? Dunno. You need to find a way to accept it.....and still mourn...but move on. Good luck to you.
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    God/dess colleen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    Nekkostarz--

    YES!!! I have been there! I lost my fiance/soulmate/everything on August 19, 1999. Almost 6 years, and I don't go a day without thinking of him. I still wear my engagement ring on my right hand. I cry regularly (right now for instance) and talk to him frequently.

    The pain never really goes away, at least for me. It gets bearable and starts to take up less space in your life, but I don't know that it will ever go away. Sometimes something as simple as a song or a memory will strike me jsut the wrong way, and it will hurt as much as the day he died.

    You will heal at your own pace. Nobody can tell you wehn or how or how fast, because it is different for each person. But you will heal, though you will never be the same.

    I rememkber for the first 6 months or so, I was just amazed and disgusted taht I kept waking up each morning and had to go on another day without him. I prayed every night to die in my sleep, and I really sort of believed that my heart would jsut stop beating one night.


    I think it feels like it is getting worse instead of better because the reality is jsut setting in. I used to keep forgetting that he was really gone, and then would remember with a jolt. once I stopped forgetting, my day to day life hurt a whole lot more. You will get used to the reality soon enough, and then things will start to settle down for you. At least, that is how it happened for me.

    You can PM me if you want. I will be glad to talk anda maybe offer you some comfort or just not being alone. In the mean time, remember that your grief is YOUR OWN, and nobody else has a right to tell you how you should handle it. Peopel who tell you yu have mourned long enough probably jsut want you to feel better --all well and good, I guess--but you are only going to feel better if you can work through your grief at your own pace. If it makes them uncomfortable to see you cry, well, too bad. You need your tears, they are part of the process. You are the one who had the loss, not them.

    ANd as fo rthe mean things people say, when they think they are being "honest"--BTDT, too. I think, "Well, at least you weren't MARRIED" tops the list for both frequency and cruelty.


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    Veteran Member bloodydewdrop's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    i'm really really sorry.....don't know what you're going through...but i think the fact that you've made it 6 months is evidence of your strength. best of luck to you...no one should ever have to feel what you're feeling.

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    Featured Member GnBeret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    Quote Originally Posted by NekkoStarz
    I just don't know what to do... Nobody around me seems to have much advice or words of any impact. Cept his mother, who I still talk with almost every weekend. I don't really know what I'm getting at posting this, I spose I just want to vent... Or maybe someone else has had such a tremendous loss & could help? It just seems as time goes further on, I get worst & worst!?!
    Although I'm not much on the psycho-babble BS I hear/see shrinks and psychologists spouting (ad nauseum, in my view) at every turn in modern society, I must nevertheless concede that they have at least managed to figure out some of the more basic problems - such as grief and the grieving process - and construct some fairly good "road maps" of sorts for working your way through/out of the cycle you're in. All of which is a long way of suggesting you take a trip to Barnes & Noble or someplace similar and get one of the many books written on this subject - think you'll be surprised to see the things you're thinking and feeling described so accurately and in such detail... and relieved to see the basic steps you need to take to feel better explained in such concrete terms.

    Best wishes, and try to remember - as with all else, "This too shall pass."
    "That's your answer Old Man? I guess you're a Hard Case too...."
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    it's that you can always see it coming, but you can never stop it.
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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    It's only been 6 months, really...in the whole scheme of things, that's not a long time. However, I think that one thing you may want to consider doing is writing him a letter...write him a letter that you will burn and never read again. Write and tell him how much he's hurt you...and write another letter telling him how much he's contributed to your life. Sometimes we get stuck in certain stages of grief because we cannot let go. Letting go of someone doesn't mean that you forget them. It means that you learn to slowly accept that they are not around physically and you slowly learn how to re-adjust your life to accommodate that change. Grief can last for years. It depends on the individual...it depends on the situations...it depends on a whole lot more than just what is on the surface.

    I know that you said that you didn't "react" much when other loved ones died...and that could be one of the reasons you are reacting so strongly now. It may also have been you were not that close to the others and your soulmate was your "shelter". Losing that shelter put you out in the cold world alone...and so you may not just be grieving the loss of your soulmate, but also the loss of your comfort/safety.

    BTW...the five stages of grief are:

    Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. This order is not necessarily the order that you will experience your grief...there is no "cap" on amount of time to be in each stage.

    There is always the sun after the storm. It will shine, again, for you. The most important thing you must do is allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Do not "stop" grieving because others feel it has gone on too long. Take care of yourself.

    In a world of chaos, love will prevail. The strongest love you can ever experience is the love for yourself.

    Lots of love and hugs,
    VG

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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    Quote Originally Posted by colleen
    I remember for the first 6 months or so, I was just amazed and disgusted that I kept waking up each morning and had to go on another day without him. I prayed every night to die in my sleep, and I really sort of believed that my heart would just stop beating one night.
    Colleen, that was really very beautifully written. And unbelievably heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss, even though it was so long ago.

    Nekkostarz -- in addition to ignoring heartless pigs who impose a recovery timeline, another possibility is to join a loss support group, or perhaps seek some other professional help if you truly feel that you are getting worse every day.

    Sometimes the lighter, more insignificant things (adopting an animal from a shelter, keeping a journal, taking a class) can help you at least begin to move in a more positive direction.

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    Featured Member tootsie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    i am sorry to hear that too, you are in my prayers.

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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    Quote Originally Posted by NekkoStarz
    Six months & 15 days ago; the love of my life & my soulmate died. It's really hard for me... cos I pretty much cry every day still. Secretly though, cos so many people say I've "mourned long enough". I've had deaths in my life before ~ family, friends, & pets. None have ever hit me so hard... Not to mention (or sound cold), I've never shed a tear or stumbled on my daily tasks or such. Lately though, I've been hurled into such a frenzy & sometimes depression. I just don't know what to do... Nobody around me seems to have much advice or words of any impact. Cept his mother, who I still talk with almost every weekend. I don't really know what I'm getting at posting this, I spose I just want to vent... Or maybe someone else has had such a tremendous loss & could help? It just seems as time goes further on, I get worst & worst!?!
    Yeah, i feel ya. Mine died slow. Only she didn't die, really. Just all she was and everything i loved about her got sucked away through a crack pipe. So i can kinda relate. Sometimes the real world sucks.

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    Veteran Member Yea's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    It does take time, allow your self to feel and remember him.. its ok. I’m sure he would want you to be happy.

    I wish you all the best and I’m sorry for your loss.

    Hugz,


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    Veteran Member NekkoStarz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    I would just like to really thank you all... Your comments actually have made me think a bit & feel a bit better. I plan on moving back home ~ cos after his death, I moved bout 600 miles away... to be around my parents. I've never visited his grave site, cos I figured it make me more a mess. Not only that, but I could only make it to the entrance of the cemetary without turning around. I plan on doing the letter thing that Venus has suggested. I've also thought bout therapy, though I really believe psychologists & the degree to be bs. Then again, the support group sounds better... so that's a better possibility. Again, thank you guys... cos I think I had just been bottling it up.

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    God/dess colleen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    It gets better, I promise. You know we are here for you.


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    --Agnes De Mille

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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    Yes, it does get better.

    And, do the letter thing as much as you need to. The idea is to get the energy out of your own self and release it.

    But, I do agree with going to a support group. I used to think it was bunk, but then I realized how nice it was to be around people who could understand what I was going through. To connect to people who "understood". It will also give you another avenue of expressing how much you loved this person, how much you miss this person, how angry you are that he is gone, etc. You'll have a real-live support network...and that is so important at this time.

    The most important thing, though, is to take care of yourself...love yourself...listen to yourself. It will all work out.

  16. #16
    Reznor
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    This is a really strange suggestion, but have you thought of getting a tattoo in his memory? I find that things like that stand as an unspoken tribute, kind of like they're always with you from then on. You don't have to dwell on it, but they're always there.... you'll never forget them.

  17. #17
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    I like Reznor's idea. If anything happened to my brothers or sister, I would get a tattoo in their memory.
    I wish I had more comforting words to share. I have been around people in the grieving process and it is hard to know what to say anytime.....people sometimes don't mean to sound a certain way, but it comes out wrong. Know that people are thinking of you.

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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    It will get better, everyone is different, don't give up you know he would not want you to.
    "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

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    Veteran Member NekkoStarz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    Reznor... you read my mind! I've actually got one in the works... I'm sleeving my lower left arm (from elbow down). On my wrist side up... there's a prayer saying :

    "Almighty God, we entrust all who are dear to us to they never-failing care & love, for this life & the life to come; knowing thou art doing for them better things than we can desire or pray for."

    Then on the other side, I was thinking a cross in a stain glass form... and of course his name & dates. Hopefully, I'll have it all sketched out by next mont & slinged on.

    Btw, I don't find it a strange suggestion since I have tats already! And not lil either.

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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    In one respect you are a fortunate person. Not in the passing of this soulmate, but that you found him at all. Most people never find their perfect counterpart. Trust, complete trust ; love unbounded; a guide; a friend; someone you didn't mind taking a lick off an ice cream cone after, someone who turned to you for advice. I do feel a sadness for your loss. As for getting back on track I've this one bit of advice: breathe, take one step at a time, one foot in front of the other...perhaps you will find a lucky penny along the way.

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    Default Re: Death of a Soulmate...

    Quote Originally Posted by NekkoStarz
    I've never visited his grave site, cos I figured it make me more a mess. Not only that, but I could only make it to the entrance of the cemetery without turning around.


    So sorry for your loss, I lost my 18 YO daughter one year ago Apr 10th in a car accident, the first time I went to the cemetery after the burial was very hard on me but I did it and found that it was a place that I could go for comfort and talk to her. So now any time I really miss her I kneel down by her grave and talk for the longest time. At first I was angry with her even thou I would tell her I loved her dearly I was angry she was gone, but now its just a place to go and tell her everything that’s going on with me. I know it would be hard for you to do it the first time but for me it helps.



    Quote Originally Posted by Reznor
    This is a really strange suggestion, but have you thought of getting a tattoo in his memory? I find that things like that stand as an unspoken tribute, kind of like they're always with you from then on. You don't have to dwell on it, but they're always there.... you'll never forget them.


    About a year before the accident my then 17yo daughter decides she want a tat on her 18th birthday and wants me to take her to get it so I make her a promise that not only will I take her I will get one too, my first and only. So the pact is made and on Nov 15th 2003 we both get our tat’s and mine was a Dreamcatcher, The original tat was just the dreamcatcher but a few days after the accident I went to the same artist that did us both and had him add Dream Forever with her name. This is my tribute to her and will be with me forever.




    NekkoStarz you are not alone I do understand your feelings and sometimes it helps so much just to talk to anyone about it and not hold it in, you are in my thoughts.

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