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Thread: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

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    Senior Member Alexis1313's Avatar
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    Default How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    I'm having some serious issues with my sexuality lately......okay, well I've always had issues with it, but whereas I used to think of it as something interesting to ponder, now I'm just totally confused and and a little upset about it.

    A little background info:

    The majority of my sexual experinces have been with men. I've only messed around a little with other girls; I've never actually had sex with another girl. Very few men have ever really turned me on. (When I say that I mean "real life" guys. I mean there's lots of guys on TV and in movies that turn me on. Antonio Banderas, Brad Pitt, Juaquin Pheonix.....and for some odd reason I really dig John Stewart from the Daily Show on Comedy Central......but when it comes to guys I actually meet in real life......well, they just don't get me hot.) But other girls really DO turn me on. They always have. I can remember trying to look up the other girls' skirts when I was in elementary school.

    I used to enjoy my sexual experiences with guys. I've never had an orgasm from having sex with a guy(so far it's just me and my vibrator doing the big O), but I always had a good enough time trying.

    Lately though I'm really not enjoying sex with men. I don't even enjoy thinking about it. I find the idea of a penis about as sexy as the speculum at my gyno's office. And I find myself thinking more and more about having sex with other girls.

    Now I know that no one here at SW can definitively tell me whether or not I'm gay. It's something I'm gonna have to figure out on my own. But what I'd really like to know is if there are any lesbians on this board and if so, how did you know you were gay? Was it something you just knew all of your life? Was it something you struggled with for awhile before finally allowing yourself to consider it? If it was something you weren't sure about or struggled with, was there anything that really helped you make up your mind or figure it out or come to peace with it?

    Thanks in advance to anyone who has advice for me on this subject. I had thought about putting this in the Ladies Only section, but I changed my mind because I really wouldn't mind hearing from anyone here; guys who know someone in this situation, bi-sexual, gay, straight, women/guys, whoever. I welcome advice or help from anyone. I'm so confused and I don't know what to feel right now.

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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Do you prefer the sausage or the clams?

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    Senior Member Alexis1313's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Hef...........is that a serious reply? I'm really not sure. I suppose I can take that to mean that you are simplifying my question as to how to determine my sexuality by simply asking if I prefer penis or pussy.......the answer to that is not so simple. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have posted this question in the first place.

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    God/dess Miss Jessica's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Hmmm... well I would guess if you didn't find a penis (one attached to a man, not a dildo or strapon) a turnon, it'd be a safe call to presume you're a lesbian. I like being bi. I can enjoy the best of both worlds if I choose.
    "We all must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. In order to achieve what others don't, you have to do what others won't."


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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexis1313
    Hef...........is that a serious reply? I'm really not sure. I suppose I can take that to mean that you are simplifying my question as to how to determine my sexuality by simply asking if I prefer penis or pussy.......the answer to that is not so simple. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have posted this question in the first place.

    I was only joking. I wouldn't seriously oversimplify your dilemma like that.

    Sorry if I offended you.

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Are you turned on by men?

    If so, then no.

    Lesbians, and most other Gay folk, just plain aren't turned on by the opposite sex.

    Could you fall in love with a man? If that answer is "no," then you might be a lesbian. And the only thing wrong with it is what you carry with you, fuck everyone else.

    Note: None of this means you don't *like* the opposite sex. The image of the man hating Dyke is old and tired and needs to be put down.

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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Have you had a bad experience w/ any men recently? Like being dumped or them forcing themselves on you?
    I dont think those experiences would turn anyone gay but they might explain for the sudden huge interest in women. Women are much safer by physical means. I had a bad experience w/ a few guys awhile ago and it still bothers me. Sex just freaks me out for the moment w/ men. Eventhough I tried it just made me get upset inside and start to cry.

    Other than that if you plainly dont find men attractive at all even the ones w/ hot sexy abs and a sexy ass smile..they yea I would think you might be a lesbian?
    you live like an ivy vine
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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Alexis,

    You are in the middle leaning towards women.

    You like the celebrities because everyone likes celebrities. We all can admire the beauty and chrisma of the same and opposite sex.

    I think there are some good lookin guys out there, but when it comes down to the face to face feeling each other's breath - it's the girl I want.

    It sounds like it's the same for you.

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Are you turned on by men?

    If so, then no.
    It's a lot more complicated than that.

    Being heterosexual, I'm not sexually attracted to men, but moreover, my attraction to women encompasses much, much more than sex. It's the interpersonal and emotional connections one creates (or doesn't create) with partners--that may or may not be related to actual sex--that helps determine one's overall sexual orientation.

    It's more than just whether or not someone prefers internal or external plumbing apparatuses.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

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    Senior Member Alexis1313's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Hef, it's all good.


    I definitely don't dislike men. I just don't have the urge to fuck them anymore.

    Yes, I have had several negative experiences with men both sexually and emotionally, but my sexual interest in women by far predates any of those bad experiences.

    As to whether or not I could fall in love with a woman.....I don't know. I don't have much experience there. Never actually had a relationship (romantic or sexual) with a woman. My only "hands on" experience with other girls has been limited to kissing and a lil breast fondling. (Which was also the hottest experience of my life, and a big part of why I'm thinkin I just might be gay. Kissing that girl was so different than kissing any guy. It's hard to explain.....but I've never felt anything like it before.)

    There's probably only one way to find out for sure......and that's just to go out and try to find a girl I like, ask her out, and see where it goes. Holy crap though. I'm getting all nervous just thinking about it. Which is weird cause I've never had a problem asking out a guy in the past......but when I think about asking out another girl I'm just gettin all shy and stuff.

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexis1313
    As to whether or not I could fall in love with a woman.....I don't know. I don't have much experience there. Never actually had a relationship (romantic or sexual) with a woman. My only "hands on" experience with other girls has been limited to kissing and a lil breast fondling. (Which was also the hottest experience of my life, and a big part of why I'm thinkin I just might be gay. Kissing that girl was so different than kissing any guy. It's hard to explain.....but I've never felt anything like it before.)
    Then try it. That's the done for dollar. Try it. See what it's like. It's to early to tell if you're straight out gay (if you'll pardon the expression). Give it a shot!

    Maybe you'll be happy! If you are count me envious!

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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Its like asking out a guy except that "guy" owns a pink smile.
    Youve never done it before so I think its natural to be nervous.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



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    Featured Member DSUsb19's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    I'm a lesbian. I always knew that I looked at girls differently, even in elementary school. I know the exact moment I realized it too. In the 5th grade one day I was playing soccer at recess, and this really pretty girl that I always wanted to be my "friend" was the goalie. I got the ball, dribbled (or whatever you call it in soccer) it all the way to the goal, rared back and kicked the shit out of the ball. She jumped to try to save it and it broke her thumb. I felt awful. I felt like someone had just run over my puppy. I knew at that moment that I liked girls in a different way. Instead of wanting to kiss the boys, I wanted to be like them. I would chase girls on the playground with my boy friends, I would play tackle football, and even when we would go to the park (when I was like 8 or 9!) I'd take off my shirt like my friend did. I stayed in sports, and would find myself checking out the opposing team. The first girl I ever really had a crush on was one of my teammates when I was 14. She was gorgeous (ran into her during x-mas break, still hot!). The only really bad thing about it is finding yourself falling for someone who is straight.
    People always ask me how I know I'm gay. I just turn the question around to them. How do you know you're straight? It's something you know in your heart. I couldn't fall in love with a man. I don't have it in me. I love everything about women and femininity. There's so much to a woman that is pure and beautiful (no offense guys, but that's why you love them too). I don't mind the stick, it's what it's attached to. Follow your heart, you desires, and your impulses. It won't hurt to try, so go satisfy your curiosities. There are plenty of wonderful people who feel the same way you do, go find one. Good luck!
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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Quote Originally Posted by DSUsb19
    I love everything about women and femininity. There's so much to a woman that is pure and beautiful (no offense guys, but that's why you love them too).
    Believe me, none taken. It's true! All she said is true.

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    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Alexis,

    By your statements, it doesn't sound like you're gay. Possibly bisexual. Very likely bi-curious. That you've had bad experiences with men of late is what sounds like the underlining problem. I'd suggest going and talking to a psychotherapist. Trying to get help from an online forum like this one just isn't going to give you the help you need. And the therapist won't make you straight, but they might be able to help you work through your underlining issues. As for what specialty to seek in a pscyhotherapist, I'd suggest a relationship specialist ... even if you're not currently in a relationship. Good luck!
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    Member cincyguy's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexis1313
    Hef, it's all good.

    Never actually had a relationship (romantic or sexual) with a woman. My only "hands on" experience with other girls has been limited to kissing and a lil breast fondling. (Which was also the hottest experience of my life, and a big part of why I'm thinkin I just might be gay. Kissing that girl was so different than kissing any guy. It's hard to explain.....but I've never felt anything like it before.)
    Alexis, it sounds like could be gay, but it may just be the "grass is greener" thing. You won't know until you try it for real. If you're as pretty as your avatar, you shouldn't have any trouble finding someone.

    (Wondering why most of this advice seems to be from the guys)


    P.S. I absolutely LOVED Natalie/her character in Closer. Really interesting movie.
    Cincyguy

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    Veteran Member Blueyez's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexis1313
    I definitely don't dislike men. I just don't have the urge to fuck them anymore.

    Yes, I have had several negative experiences with men both sexually and emotionally, but my sexual interest in women by far predates any of those bad experiences.

    As to whether or not I could fall in love with a woman.....I don't know. I don't have much experience there. Never actually had a relationship (romantic or sexual) with a woman. My only "hands on" experience with other girls has been limited to kissing and a lil breast fondling. (Which was also the hottest experience of my life, and a big part of why I'm thinkin I just might be gay. Kissing that girl was so different than kissing any guy. It's hard to explain.....but I've never felt anything like it before.)

    There's probably only one way to find out for sure......and that's just to go out and try to find a girl I like, ask her out, and see where it goes. Holy crap though. I'm getting all nervous just thinking about it. Which is weird cause I've never had a problem asking out a guy in the past......but when I think about asking out another girl I'm just gettin all shy and stuff.
    Alexis, that is the only way you're going to find out - go find you another woman who is lez/bi and go out with her and see what happens. You might just be in a funk altogether and even sex with her would not be fulfilling.

    I agree with you about kissing another woman being totally different - wait until you have sex with one! lol

    It is not out of the ordinary for str8 women to have those kinds of thoughts about other women, so just because you do doesn't necessarily mean you're gay or bisexual, though obviously you are *very curious.

    Basically, it boils down to you're going to have to muster up the courage to ask someone out, or put yourself in a position to be asked out, and see how it goes. I've got a little bit of experience on both sides of that equation, so if you'd like some ideas or tips maybe, PM me and I'll see if I can offer you any suggestions that you think would work.
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    Senior Member Alexis1313's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    In case I've never said it before, I just think that SW is awesome. Thanks to everyone who has replied so far.

    I'm going to try to find the time to hit up the gay bar sometime this weekend. I'm so proud that my little redneck town actually has one. (I thought they were going to burn it down when it first opened.)

    Hmmm....there's only two problems.

    1. The vast majority of people who go there, usually go in couples. Very few ladies in there on their own, and most groups are made of couples also.

    2. Most of the women (at least the ones who came in on their own and not with a SO or a group) are kinda butch. Nothing wrong with it, but I'm personally not attracted to masculinity (at least in the physical sense as far as appearance goes) in other women.........but then I suppose I could just sit and chat with them. Maybe they'll know someone more my "type" (although I hate that word) or at least be able to give me some advice about the local dating scene.

    That reminds me. Does anyone know of a good online lesbian dating service. Something like eharmony or match.com but geared more towards girl on girl?

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Just do it. Find out. Maybe you are and maybe you're not. It's cool. Find out.

    Honestly, it's no turn on for me. I dunno what to say about it. It doesn't include me. For some guys it's a set on fire thing, if you dance you might even make money that way. Dun do it for no fucked up reason, do it cuz it's you. Only because it's you to do. if it's for money then just fake it. But if it'll make ya happy then be happy.

    And i mean that for any guys reading thing too.

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    Senior Member Alexis1313's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Lol. Madcap......are you drunk right now? Just asking because you normally have better grammar and spelling than that.

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    Featured Member Prester_John's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Ya know.. the twits of this world who think that being gay is a "choice of lifestyle" should read this thread. Here is a woman agonizing (to some degree at least) over whether her natural feelings are heading towards that direction. It's not like there is a deliberate choice being made here, as if she is deciding on what dress to wear today.

  22. #22
    Sitri
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Well, my 2 cents is that being gay or lesbian is a label. If the issue or question is "Who will make me happy for the rest of my life?" Then that person may be a male or a female. It just depends on if you are experimenting sexually or really want to find long term happiness with someone.

    Go to a gay bar will give you as much likelyhood of finding your soul mate as going down to the local Bennigans for happy hour. But if you are looking for sexual experiences ......

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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Actually... Yeah! I was pretty fucked up when i wrote that. Good call!


    But here it is not even ten in the morning... My ass is awake... Go figure.

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    Featured Member DSUsb19's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Gay bars have turned into simple entertainment for me. I don't go there to find anything meaningful. Back home, the people that go to those nightclubs are either out for sexual experiences like Sitri said, or are just out to throw their sexuality around. I'm not trying to be mean, but from my experiences, most of the people in that club are too busy acting. Gay men acting like queens looking for drama, and women simply looking for a night. It's like stepping into a fantasty world, or onto a stage. It's become almost a cliche'.

    Being gay isn't something you go throwing around because it's en vogue. It's an emotional state. I never wanted to be gay. If I could be straight I would in a heartbeat. I get asked out by men all the time. I am just not attracted to them. It's not a choice. Most people would not choose to be ostracized and opressed all their lives. I would love to have a huge wedding and be "normal" but it's not going to happen. You know in your heart what and who makes you happy. If you feel an attraction to women, embrace and explore that. ou have nothing to lose. If you're looking for sites still, there's www.glimpse.com, and www.match.com has gay personals as well.
    Last edited by DSUsb19; 04-19-2005 at 09:07 PM.
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    Member secret dreams's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I know if I'm a Lesbian?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexis1313
    That reminds me. Does anyone know of a good online lesbian dating service. Something like eharmony or match.com but geared more towards girl on girl?
    Alexis,

    Try Lesbianconnect.Com. I'm a non-paying member (just checking it out), which doesn't really offer much, but you can pay about $20 for full priveleges (hey, that's just one dance, right?). Maybe you could find someone to hook up with.

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