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Thread: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

  1. #1
    Veteran Member lethalsoul's Avatar
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    Default So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    Steven Wright: "So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2- Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back.

    3- Half the people you know are below average.

    4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

    9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

    10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.

    18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

    20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
    lethalsoul

  2. #2
    Featured Member Meea's Avatar
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    Default Re: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    That is sooo my motto...

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    Sometimes the butter is nice and soft, especially if it's been out all day... but that brings us to point 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

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    God/dess montythegeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    The glass is not half full or half empty, it is just too big.

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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    Steven Wright kicks ass.. I have one of his old "tapes" (remember tapes? Heh)

    *I like skating.. On the other side of the ice.

    *I bought a solar powered flashlight... When can I use it?

    *I bought powdered Water.. All I need to add is.. Water.

    (Just a few I remember that cracked me up.)

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    God/dess MrChristopher's Avatar
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    Default Re: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    My personal fave Steven Wright moment was during one of his shows on HBO. He reached over and got a drink from a glass of water that was on the stool. He drank, paused for a few moments staring at the glass, then did something he rarely did. He almost laughed. He stifled back a giggle and goes "Sponges. Sponges grow in the ocean. Oh man, that KILLS me." You have to say it in your head in his deadpan delivery, but it was brilliant.
    waffles are just pancakes with little squares on them.

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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    Quote Originally Posted by Rhiannon
    Steven Wright kicks ass.. I have one of his old "tapes" (remember tapes? Heh)

    *I like skating.. On the other side of the ice.

    *I bought a solar powered flashlight... When can I use it?

    *I bought powdered Water.. All I need to add is.. Water.

    (Just a few I remember that cracked me up.)
    I belive it was I bought powdered water but didnt know what to put in it.
    Last Edit: September 28, 1996, 12:58:29 PM by Element Edited 156 times

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    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    My auto shop BF would appreciate #23.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: So, what's the speed of dark?"...

    Quote Originally Posted by Element
    I belive it was I bought powdered water but didnt know what to put in it.
    Yeah, that too. It's been a while since I've listened to the tape.

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