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Thread: "One and only" or variety?

  1. #1
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default "One and only" or variety?

    Do you think there's just ONE person, ONE soulmate for you? Or do you believe there are a variety of people who can fill this role? This, in turn, sparks the question: Do you consider yourself, basically, a one-person person? Or do you believe you're the type who requires a variety of lovers at any one time? (Notice that I'm not making any value judgements about either orientation.)

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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Hmmm I like variety alot ..but Ive done the whole variety thing and when things get better and settled in my life one person would fit nicely.

    For everyone else I think there is one person for everyone. Just seems they are getting harder and harder to find
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



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    Member daveinsa's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    I know some would find this hard to believe about me but I have always been a one woman man but had just never had found the one woman. LOL

    But sadly now that I have found her I'm not her "One Man" But I haven't given up yet, she will come around. LOL

    Damn I hate that phrase "I love you so much but i'm just not in love with you"

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Nah, there's people who enter and leave our lives at different points, some for longer periods than others.

    Soulmates is a Hallmark/Harlequin notion.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Sworn to Fun, Loyal to None...


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz
    Sworn to Fun, Loyal to None...
    My dyslexia had me picturing Whirlerz wearing a Habit...

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    Member jennee's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    that's a toughy...

    i think it probably changes... at some points in life we want variety and in others we seek one person.

    but i'll say this (a little off topic)... so many people escape commitment when that desire for variety pops up at an inopportune time. i strongly feel that if you're committed, you're committed. you can't have your cake and eat someone else too. ;-)
    "Well-behaved women rarely make history."
    http://www.poledancer.modblog.com

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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    I have no idea. I've met 3 women that I've really loved. I don't know about the whole "soulmates" idea.

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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    One for emotional support is nice, but sexual monogamy would lead to my early demise. Thankfully i've found a like minded person.

    You can have your cake and eat it too, just make sure you avoid the stripping popping out of it.
    You can't love something you think is flawless - me


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    Featured Member Prester_John's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Rather interesting question.

    I do not beleive in the concept of "soulmate". No one is automatically 100 percent compatible for you. It's something, in my opinion, that needs to grow and mature through time, experience, trials and tribulations before someone truly becomes the person you can't live without. Its also fraught with pitfalls that can take unexpected twists and turns, and can short circuit that growth process for one, if not both.

    I personally believed with every fiber of my being I had found that sort of person and she found me. We committed to each other in a way that, in theory, was supposed to be permanent. Yet something in her changed in ways I couldnt fathom. That change....whether it was pre-ordained due to her character or something that our circumstances after we were married, happened without my being aware of it (and to this day I dont think it was entirely because of any "rose colored glasses" attitude I had). Thus, despite my best efforts and intentions, the person who I thought was The One For Me, turned out to not feel the same way for me. So much for "soulmate".

    It took a very long time for those immediate effects of that particular ending to wear down. Looking back with an unflinchingly critical eye, I see that her being my soulmate was never a given, despite what we felt when we got married. Hindsight tells me that it really could have developed differently at many different points - i.e it could have broken down earlier or it could have endured longer if I, her or both of us did things differently. If we were the hypothetical "soulmates", it would not have ended at any point. That smy belief anyway.

    Now? In terms of committed relationships, I have a "been there, done that" perspective, partially because I have yet to re-develop a natural desire to be that intimate and connected with another person. I am a friend to many, and a lover to none. Im close enough to a one or two of them that a possible relationship could develop (of the women in my life I really felt I loved, I was long term friends with them first before we started dating - thats just the way i was). However, knowing that I could not give to them when one really should in a committed relationship, I dont even let it get that close, to ensure I do not hurt anyone (I will NEVER allow myself to hurt someone the way I was hurt).

    Thus, a variety of friends works for me. It might be that way always, or could change tomorrow, but a 'soulmate" is merely a chimera, in my opinion.

    PJ

    PS- This self-indulgent, confessional ramble was ably helped by extreme overtiredness, a generous portion of Mountain Dew, and a 2:15AM posting time. If it makes sense to anyone, youre a better person that I

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    "Soulmates" is for Romantics, Wiccans, and Reincarnationists...


    I wish i could be at least two more of the above. But i'm no Wiccan (though i know a lot about it), and Reincarnation has so many problems with it that anyone with even one skeptical bone can see through it.

    I wish the concept of the Soulmate was true, but then i also wish the concept of the soul was true.

    Sadly, there is nothing supporting either. If there was a "soul" in the human body there should be some way to detect it. There is only the 28 grams thing. And that's physical. If there is a soul... And i hope there is... there should be a way to detect it. Maybe we just haven't found that way yet.

    Sadly, without a soul, there is no soulmate.




    But i kind of think this is it. There is no soul. When we die, we die. And that means there is no soulmate, because that requires a massive ingredient that just isn't there (Said souls).







    And i truly hope i am wrong. It;d be cool to continue after death.

    Ya wanna talk about one aspect of the soul ya gotta talk about all of them. Or none apply.

    They're all illogical as it is. But, then again, who the fuck am I?


    A Vulcan?



    Logic, bleah!


    Logic bloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooows.

  12. #12
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    To answer the short question, one. This is a bigger opinion/ soapbox rant....

    I had the soul-searing sorrow of discovering the person I thought was a soulmate will probably be dead within a few years and is living an empty-messed up life. This person has several people praying for his well-being and happiness, but a good life eludes him. He is one of the most brilliant people I know also, but it just proves that sometimes the smartest people do the dumbest things. What does this have to do with "soulmates"? People come into your life for a reason and a season- and to teach you something. Some answers about people you know now will not come to you for a long time. That being said, romantic entanglements can teach you a lot because you, well, really get to know a person. Both the good and bad. It's much harder when children are involved. I have seen my dad & a couple of my boyfriends suffer terribly because they could not stay with the women they had kids with.

    So, the idea of soulmates is a lofty one, but cannot be limited to romance. Your soulmate might be your kid and you needed their mom/dad to bring that soul into the world to enrich your life right at that particular time. Or, your soulmate might be your business partner (that's what I'm hoping for) or your best pal.
    Why do I have faith in the meaning of soul mates? I KNEW I would meet the man I discussed in the first paragraph before I did. I told my friends about the premonition mere days before I met him. When I found out what's going on with him now, it was like someone ripped my heart out. Sometimes we're doomed to care about some people more than they care about themselves!
    "Only God knows why..."

  13. #13
    IACali
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    I don't believe that you have a soulmate for LIFE, but I do believe that you can meet a soulmate who is right for you at a certain time. I know that my soul is constantly evolving... that's the point of living, right? And as an ever-changing entity, of course no one person is ever going to be perfect for me for my WHOLE LIFE.

    I believe very very very VERY strongly in the existence of soul connections, and do my best to respect those connections for however long they are beneficial for both or all people involved.

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    Senior Member LittleLina's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    I do believe in soulmates and as madmaxine said, the concept should not be limited to people with whom you share romantic relations.

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    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    One person person...but i live in a fantasy world according to some people
    Last edited by AinNY; 04-22-2005 at 07:17 PM.

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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    My belief is very similar to Cali's.

    I believe that for every major phase in your life, there's someone who's "just right" for you, for the duration of that phase.

    I used to *sort of* believe in soul mates. I believed that my ex-hubby was mine, and he believed the same about me. Things change, people change, and nothing ever stays the same. We took separate paths and found others who were better-suited for the people that we had become.

    He remarried a little more than a year after our divorce was final, to a girl that he had dated when they were both 16. So, sometimes like in his case, things come full circle and you meet up with a person from your past who *grew with you* even though you were apart.

    I don't believe in multiple people at one time, at least not for me. I'm a one-man woman and put 110% into any relationship I have, for however long it lasts.

  17. #17
    Veteran Member Prina's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Good question....
    hmmm I used to be a variety girl but that was like a full time job and I was less productive with my life goals. My ex once told me that he would stop acting a certain way if I eliminated "all reserves on deck." haha..Maybe the variety phase was because I didn't know what I wanted or I didn't really want any of them or I wanted my emotions spread out to avoid serious pain. But I could love one person..as long as he keeps me interested...i have ADD..LOL..

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    Featured Member CrescentLuna's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Heheh, the more the bf and I search for someone to add variety, the more we become one-person people. Not that we'd turn down any offers for tantalizing evenings of intimate activities decided by dice rolls [now not all at once, y'all, form an orderly line], but each encounter seems to leave us appreciated what we have more than "what could've been."

    Is he my soulmate forever and ever and always? I dunno, I thought for certain I was going to be with my ex forever, but we only managed 4.5 years, and two of those weren't exactly ecstatic. I've been with my current bf a little over one year. Either way, I loves him a lot.
    "I still have my name
    I still have my face
    I have not run away from home
    Doesn't seem so long
    If I now embrace
    Every single thing I've never known"

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    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    "require"? No
    Would I enjoy? Of course.

    My wife and I have discussed this sort of thing. It's a common belief in psychology that women tend to prefer monogamy while men are not hard-wired that way.

    As for soul-mates, etc. In most cases, I think there are plenty of people out there for all of us. There may not be more than one in any given geographical region, though...making the search much more difficult of course
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
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    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
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    Featured Member DSUsb19's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    I have a conscience the size of Texas, and an inability to be heartless, therefore making me monogamous. I've never been in a real relationship, but I believe that when that time comes, I'll be a one woman woman. I think anyone can be a potential soulmate. It's something that grows between you. I also believe your soulmate doesn't have to be someone you're in a romantic relationship with. There's some, not just one, for everyone. Hell, I'm even starting to believe there's someone out there for me even.
    *~If you play with reservation, you never play to your full potential.~*

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    Featured Member discretedancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Madcap...in 1800 they couldn't detect radiation, but it was there. In 1930 they couldn't detect or read DNA, but it was there....what makes you think a soul is "not detectable"?

    for me, the soul is what raises us to think beyond instant, physical needs and wants - connects us to other people/species as well as other times. It can have the romantic/spiritual angles to it...but those are part of the larger concept to me...not the definition.

    Maybe no meter will ever be there to measure it...but it certainly can be detected. If you've ever faced a cold-bloded murderer or rapist (no soul) you know the feeling of "cold". Ever felt the loving (emotional) protection of being truly accepted (by God or another person) you have detected soul.

    IMHO

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Just because someone is a "soul-mate" does not make them a good candidate for a "lover".

    The term soulmate, I believe is used to stringently. People think that there is the "one" person out there who will make their lives complete, ie. their soulmate. I believe that the only person who can make life complete is the individual themselves. If you are going to spend a lot of time with another individual, then that individual should complement you...not try to complete you. No one will ever find happiness that way...

    I have soulmates in my life. Some are women, some are men...but they all bring something into my life...some have come and gone quickly...some have stayed/are still around...but they have all caused some kind of change in my life...they've all enabled me to see who my real self is.

    I believe that in a relationship...two people should grow together. But, should they grow apart...then there should be no shame in splitting up and moving on. Are there people who stay together in a healthy relationship forever? Sure, but those people are aware of who each other is, respects that, and allows the other person their space to grow and change. The relationships that are stagnant are usually the ones that end in disharmony.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Quote Originally Posted by discretedancer
    If you've ever faced a cold-bloded murderer or rapist (no soul) you know the feeling of "cold". Ever felt the loving (emotional) protection of being truly accepted (by God or another person) you have detected soul. IMHO
    This is interesting. Do you really believe that murderers and rapists have no souls?

    I believe that every living entity in the universe has a soul. I believe the "cold" feeling that is detected from these types of murderers/rapists is the disconnection of the being from the soul. It's their lack of seeing others for who they are instead of seeing others for their pain...it's the lack of respect for self and others that causes this "cold" feeling...

    In my belief...when you feel that "attraction" (not necessarily sexual) to someone...where you feel safe/warm/secure around them...it's the "soul" you are feeling, per se, but also the acknowledgement from that person that you are worthy of their time...it's the Namaste (The God in me greets the God in you;
    The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you) aspect of that person.

    As for "seeing" the soul...the aura is the energy of the soul. So, when you see someone auric field (or feel it) you are, in essence, seeing their soul...the life energy.

  24. #24
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    VG makes an excellent point--heatbreaking and true--when she writes:

    "Just because someone is a "soul-mate" does not make them a good candidate for a 'lover'."

    Such people are perplexing from a relationship standpoint.

    Do you keep them in you life, finding a balance for these cherished people (not to mention their lovers and yours).

    Or is it better to make them part of your history, reducing the likelihood of drama, confusion and jealousy?

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    Default Re: "One and only" or variety?

    Quote Originally Posted by MojoJojo
    "require"? No
    Would I enjoy? Of course.

    My wife and I have discussed this sort of thing. It's a common belief in psychology that women tend to prefer monogamy while men are not hard-wired that way.

    As for soul-mates, etc. In most cases, I think there are plenty of people out there for all of us. There may not be more than one in any given geographical region, though...making the search much more difficult of course
    This makes sense to me -
    In my case 19yrs later and she is still around I must give her credit for that .Because of some physical issues we were not able to have children and I hate to sound selfish about it but I think we are a stronger couple because of it .Most of my friends seem to have many of their problems due to children raising issues .

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