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Thread: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

  1. #1
    Senior Member Truce's Avatar
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    Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    The First Affair

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
    passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
    made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they
    fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his
    clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
    through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded
    his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

    ===========================================

    The Second Affair

    There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
    fathered!" Then he gave her a stern lo ok and asked, "Have you been
    fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

    =============================================

    The Third Affair

    A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off, to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed
    his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

    ===============================================

    The Fourth Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
    the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while late r with a sandwich and a
    glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

    ================================================

    The Fifth Affair

    A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

    =================================================

    The Sixth Affair

    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up! and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
    He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "I forgive you. Now hush, and
    let the poison work."

  2. #2
    Senior Member Truce's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    Just a thought...


    Man who stand on toilet: high on pot.

    Man who jump off cliff: jump to conclusion.

    Man who run behind car: get exhausted.

    Virgin just like balloon ... one prick, all gone.

    Secretary not permanent until she screwed on desk.

    Man who put cock in Peanut Butter jar is F***ing Nuts.

    Man with tool in woman mouth May not necessarily be dentist.

    Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

    Girl who marry Richard must kiss Dick.

    Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

    Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter

    Man young when he snatches kisses, old when he kisses snatches.

    Man who loses key to lady's apartment get no new-key.

    Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers...

    War do not determine who right, war determine who left.

    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

    Schoolboy who play with schoolgirl during wrong period, get caught red-handed.

    Girl who sit on judge's lap get an honourable discharge.

    Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

    Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

    He who farts in church sits in own pew.

    He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

    He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.

    Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.

    Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

    He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.

    Passionate kiss just like spider web - lead to undoing of fly.

    Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

    If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

    Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

    Woman who go to bachelor apartment for snack get tit-bit.

    Man who put rooster in Ice Compartment take out Stiff Cock.

    No difference between man and mouse - both end in pussy.

    Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Truce's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
    As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
    promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but
    only on two conditions.
    "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
    "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
    pumpkin."
    Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes,
    and Cinderella doesn't show up.
    Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
    "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was
    supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
    " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
    The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
    Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..
    Peter, Peter, something or other..."

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    Senior Member Truce's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    Fresh from her shower, she stands in front of the
    mirror,complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

    Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he
    uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

    If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
    piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few
    seconds."

    Puzzled but willing to try anything, she gets a piece of
    toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between
    her breasts.

    "How long will this take?" she asks.
    "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
    She stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
    between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
    years?"


    Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even
    walk again.

    Stupid, stupid man.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Truce's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

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    Featured Member MeganS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    That's amazing!^
    "A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you."
    Francoise Sagan

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    Senior Member Truce's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    Daddy's Daughter - Rules for the boyfriends

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
    1. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool.
    2. Places where there is darkness.
    3. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
    4. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
    5. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are OK.
    6. Hockey games are okay.
    7. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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    Senior Member Truce's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    ONLY IN QUEENSLAND....

    ((QUEENSLAND IS A BACKWARDS STATE IN AUST FOR ALL YOU INERNATIONALS))

    From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a
    true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.


    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local
    neighbourhood
    tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the
    bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled
    around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
    observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
    five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

    He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
    bar and drove off.

    Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was
    a fine, dry night) flicked the indicated on, then off, tooted the
    horn then switched on the lights.

    He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and
    then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more
    vehicles left.

    At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly
    down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this
    time
    promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To
    his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man
    having consumed alcohol at all!!!!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said:

    "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station, this
    breathalyser equipment must be broken."

    "Probably not," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

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    Featured Member Sunshine73's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funny reads for everyone (add your own)

    My sister sent me this and it made me laugh my ass off. Click on the link below and read it through:
    http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html
    Quote Originally Posted by Picaresque View Post
    Maria Callas said it best: "When my critics stop hissing, I shall know I'm slipping."

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