Okay girls... I've battled image problems for as long as I can remember... I remember being eight and frantically doing jumping jacks and situps in my bedroom. I was anorexic for a few years in middle school (got my weight down to about 75#), and in high school, after the anorexia, I adopted excessive exercise habits to counter the calories i was allowing myself to take in. (sometimes this is referred to as exercise bulemia) I ran cross country and the two mile in track - and I loved my body. Tiny, tight, and THIN! I was running over fifty miles a week though - in addition to swimming and light resistance training. Then my knees crapped out on me, so I became a gym rat, personal trainer, aerobics instructor.. the whole nine.
It was a way for me to constantly be in the gym, nurturing my exercise addiction.
Well, that didnt pay the bills, so I started stripping. YAY! what a way to hold myself accountable for my body! (and get a workout while dancing, of course) It was great at first, then I started becoming more and more fanatical with my body. Some days I'd love my body (particularly if I hadn't eaten all day) and others, I'd want to crawl into a corner and cry (after an excessive workout session, of course)
The point to this post is that I still have major body image problems. Im SO SICK OF it ruling my life. Here I am, typing this post, when I should be getting ready for work - but am not going in because I don't feel good about myself today. Instead, I will go for a run tonight (atleast five or six miles), after doing an hour on the stairmaster and going to a spin class earlier today.
I should be a beanpole, but because of all of the damage I have done to my metabolism because of the anorexia and exercise addiction, I have to keep my calories super low to stay lean (while doing two intense hours of cardio a day). I'm 5'4" and about 118 with 17% bodyfat and totally GROSSED OUT by myself.
I've tried talking to a therapist about this, but to no avail. I just hate the idea of living the rest of my life like this- sad, depressed, and full of self-hatred.
(btw - my sex life is non-existant because I can't bear the thought of being intimate because of this... my boyfriend is getting fed up with it)
SOrry this was so long, just needed to air my emotions and hear what you girls have to say. Anyone else relate?



- sad, depressed, and full of self-hatred.
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