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Thread: body hatred

  1. #1
    Featured Member tampadancer's Avatar
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    Default body hatred

    Okay girls... I've battled image problems for as long as I can remember... I remember being eight and frantically doing jumping jacks and situps in my bedroom. I was anorexic for a few years in middle school (got my weight down to about 75#), and in high school, after the anorexia, I adopted excessive exercise habits to counter the calories i was allowing myself to take in. (sometimes this is referred to as exercise bulemia) I ran cross country and the two mile in track - and I loved my body. Tiny, tight, and THIN! I was running over fifty miles a week though - in addition to swimming and light resistance training. Then my knees crapped out on me, so I became a gym rat, personal trainer, aerobics instructor.. the whole nine.
    It was a way for me to constantly be in the gym, nurturing my exercise addiction.
    Well, that didnt pay the bills, so I started stripping. YAY! what a way to hold myself accountable for my body! (and get a workout while dancing, of course) It was great at first, then I started becoming more and more fanatical with my body. Some days I'd love my body (particularly if I hadn't eaten all day) and others, I'd want to crawl into a corner and cry (after an excessive workout session, of course)

    The point to this post is that I still have major body image problems. Im SO SICK OF it ruling my life. Here I am, typing this post, when I should be getting ready for work - but am not going in because I don't feel good about myself today. Instead, I will go for a run tonight (atleast five or six miles), after doing an hour on the stairmaster and going to a spin class earlier today.
    I should be a beanpole, but because of all of the damage I have done to my metabolism because of the anorexia and exercise addiction, I have to keep my calories super low to stay lean (while doing two intense hours of cardio a day). I'm 5'4" and about 118 with 17% bodyfat and totally GROSSED OUT by myself.

    I've tried talking to a therapist about this, but to no avail. I just hate the idea of living the rest of my life like this - sad, depressed, and full of self-hatred.
    (btw - my sex life is non-existant because I can't bear the thought of being intimate because of this... my boyfriend is getting fed up with it)

    SOrry this was so long, just needed to air my emotions and hear what you girls have to say. Anyone else relate?

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    Default Re: body hatred

    First, Im sorry you are going through this and that you think this about you....Youre gorgeous!!
    Ive had days like this only because Id eat so much and keep eating b/c I was depressed. Then Id get sick and throw it up and eat some more. I only had about a handful of those days and I cant imagine living my life day to day feeling gross. Some days I wouldnt eat at all and Id still feel grossed out by the image in the mirror.

    This might be harsh but have you considered checking into a 30day facility to help you get better so they can help you change your way of thinking about your body? If that is too much you can also try a different therapist. Why did it not workout the 1st time w/ the last therapist?
    Its so hard to not think bad things about your body image but the 1st step is to want to get help and be open to letting people try and help you.

    *hugs*
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  3. #3
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: body hatred

    Belle,

    DONT LET ANOREXIA RUN YOUR LIFE AND FALL INTO THE OLD HABITS YOU USE TO DO!

    its ok to diet, to take diet pills, to over exercise, but the minute IT RUNS YOUR LIFE you are letting the disease get the best of you!

    <hugs> i know how you feel!

  4. #4
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: body hatred

    and damnit, if you dont come to work with me sunday im going to DRAG YOU IN!

  5. #5
    God/dess Bunny's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    Well first of all after having seen your body I can tell you that you have nothing to hate! But I think we all do this sort of thing but maybe to varying degrees. Some days I feel really attractive and other days I feel just downright nasty. I constantly look at other women's bodies and compare myself to them. Oh that girl has bigger boobs or a smaller ass (most people have a smaller ass and bigger boobs than me) but it really shouldn't be that way. Then some days I feel like fuck it, maybe I'll just get fat and happy. But I know I wouldn't be happy that way either. I wish I could find a women's therapy group around here becuase I was in one in New Orleans with the best therapist and it was only $20 a session.

    And what is funny is I used to hate myself because I was toooo skinny! I was like a little skeleton and people used to tease me and call me "cherry stick" and say they could shove me into the storage compartment inside of a car when I was a kid. So I used to try to gain weight and then BAM I hit around 16 and found out I could gain weight and yuck, why did I do that? Now I bust my ass to try to tone my body and so far have only gotten my body fat % to like 20% and I've been eating like a pig for the past two days since I caught a cold and it'll probably be 30% by next week.

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    Featured Member tampadancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    the only time i feel good about myself is when i slip back into the anorexic habits... then i feel *beautiful*

    i feel out of control sometimes, and as a control freak (which is why i loved being anorexic), this is hard to accept.

    The therapist just made me think about my issues, and dwelling on them just made things worse...

    And TM.. I think a program would be a little overboard for my situation

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    Featured Member tampadancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    BUNNY - You have such a cute little body. After seeing you, I was like "what does this girl make posts about lipo for!?" You have the perfect little body.

    But I know my words mean nothing....
    People could tell me 24/7 that I had a beautiful body, and I'd only think "they're just sayin that to be nice," or "they just feel bad for me," etc.

  8. #8
    God/dess Bunny's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    After seeing you, I was like "what does this girl make posts about lipo for!?" You have the perfect little body.
    ha! see, I don't see it that way, but thanks for saying that! I only see the stuff wrong with it. I guess we both need to find a good therapist. I once had a guy tell me I had body dismorphia (where you see yourself totally different from reality) and I told him it was just because he'd never seen me naked. I used to wish I could be anorexic or bulemic but I like to eat too much and have trouble vomiting. I guess that's lucky for me.

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    Featured Member tampadancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    dont wish an ed on yourself bunny.

    They are as addictive as drugs. And I agree with the body dysmorphia comment... but I think that a lot of women have this.

  10. #10
    God/dess Bunny's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    I think a lot of us do. I had a friend who had a BEAUTIFUL body and used to be a gymnast. Even after two kids she had an awesome body. She wanted lipo and implants and would make herself vomit. If only we could see ourselves the way others see us...

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    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    the only time i feel good about myself is when i slip back into the anorexic habits... then i feel *beautiful*
    You probably don't need an inpatient program, but you have anorexia (even if you're not starving yourself right now, you ARE anorexic), and need it treated.
    The way you're thinking/feeling isn't ideal or normal, nor does ir have to be that way. I hope you'll find the time to look into therapy with someone specifically trained in treating anorexics, and who has a good track record (ask for refs).

    Good luck

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    Featured Member mercedez's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    i think we are our worst critic.............

  13. #13
    Pamela
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    Default Re: body hatred

    Quote Originally Posted by mercedez
    i think we are our worst critic.............
    Oh how i agree with you!

    tampadancer, there is an usually other issues going on that cause one to behave the way we do, i.e. not eating. Do you know of anything that will set you off? Is the not eating a way for you to have control over other issues?

    I have seen people go through this, and come out great. It took the ones i have talked to therapy and a diet, but they seemed to want some control in their lives they said, and anorexia was their way, the one way they could control something that no one could take away.

    Good luck hun.

    You can fight this.

    Pamela

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    God/dess PaigeDWinter's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    Well, at 118lbs, you're still underweight for your height. You seem to be very good at pushing yourself forward with your appearance, why not focus that energy and that drive to therapy? You say it didnt help, but if you keep at it? Though you arent at a dangerously low weight, you might want to look into a short term inpatient program.

    Or you can always hang out with me. I'm trying to gain weight. Maybe I'll rub off on ya
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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    I can understand how you feel. I've just gained 20 pounds since last year...and I hate my body. I'm heavier than I've ever been, and it's depressing. I used to be anorexic/bulemic...and it's very "easy" to fall back into old habits. I've noticed that I've started to do that same thing.

    It's all going to come down to this one thing. Love. If you do not love yourself...if you do not accept yourself...you'll never be happy. You have to realize that your "beauty" is NOT a way to love yourself...it's who you are inside. Go volunteer for some organizations...go work at a soup kitchen...hell, even volunteer to work with other "newly admitted" anorexic/bulemics...really learn to love who you are. That's the only way.

    It's been a long road for me...I have good days and bad days...but I feel better (usually) than I've felt in years. I've hit a low spot, but I know that by changing my eating habits and hitting the gym again, I will safely return to my own "safe" body...safely and lovingly.

    You can do it.

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    God/dess cinammonkisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    Quote Originally Posted by tampafldancer
    Belle,

    DONT LET ANOREXIA RUN YOUR LIFE AND FALL INTO THE OLD HABITS YOU USE TO DO!

    its ok to diet, to take diet pills, to over exercise, but the minute IT RUNS YOUR LIFE you are letting the disease get the best of you!

    <hugs> i know how you feel!
    NO, NO, NO! This is exactly what she DOESN'T need to hear! It is not ok for her to diet, take diet pills, or over exercise. Doing so is what will cause the anorexia to creep back into her life.

    At my school, I am a peer educator. I am TRAINED to discuss issues of body image and eating disorders amongst men and women. Instead of talking to a therapist Tampa, I think that you should talk with a nutritionist first. They are trained to help you get a HEALTHY plan together for proper eating, and exercise for ideal help.

    If you need to talk, I am here. Please PM me, or email me. I will give you my number and we can talk. I really do hope that you take me up on my offer. I will not force you though...the ball is in your court.







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    Default Re: body hatred

    Tampadancer, here's an avenue I haven't heard anybody mention that you might want to consider. In the June issue of Elle magazine there is an article titled, "Contact High. Could Your Body Image Be Improved With Touch, Rather Than Talk, Therapy?" It's on page 156. Here's an excerpt from the article:

    "In the West, massage has been largely reserved for knotty shoulders and pulled hamstrings, but it has also been shown to be a successful adjunct treatment for diabetes, Parkinson's, and spinal cord injuries. Perhaps even more striking is what a rubdown can do for a less tangible condition: a bruised body image.

    Much of the groundbreaking work on touch medicine has been conducted through the aptly named Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine. In 2001, a study led by institute director Tiffany Field, PhD, and psychologist Sybil Hart, PhD, an associate professor of human development and family studies at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, tracked 19 young women with anorexia. While all of the subjects continued the standard psychotherapy, 10 also received two 30-minute full-body massages a week for five weeks. After just one treatment cycle, the massage group demonstrated reduced anxiety, lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and elevated amounts of dopamiine, a neurotransmitter responsible for controlling emotional response. The same study on bulimic patients conducted three years before at the Institute also turned up promising results, showing postmassage decreases in cortisol and increases in calming dopamine and serotonin. And though neither study lasted long enough to monitor weight change, both showed that massage yielded somthing just as important: a measurable decrease in body dissatisfaction."


  18. #18
    Member girlinmd's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    i know how you feel.

    at 8, when we still have our lil girls stomach, i was doing situps to try to make it go away....i did cross country track and the 1600m in high school too...are you sure you arent me??? lol...

    seriously, when you eat and you exercise, its to nourish and maintain, help your body. there was study done with people who exercise and eat right because they know it is right vs. people who did it to maintain an image, and the first group had better overall mental and physical health, and they were also better proportioned.

    i think it helps to realize that lighter/thinner isnt always better or healthier, regardless of what this industry or what society says. definitely get into a program, and remember you are not in that situation by yourself.

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    Featured Member tampadancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    Thanks girls, for all of the encouraging words.

    Scarlett: I guess I hadn't thought about it this way. No, I'm not starving myself currently, but I dream about how good I felt then (not physically, but happy with my looks)

    Pamela: yes, I definitely have control issues. I also think that the anorexia was a way for me to hurt people that had hurt me (as immature as that sounds)

    Paige: me, gain weight?!?! girl ARE YOU CRAZY. 118 is underweight according to what? pregnant standards?? but thank you for saying that!

    venus: it's very hard for me to love myself. sometimes i feel like i'm just in this black hole. i really do feel like a prisoner in my own body. Looking back, I think the only times in my life that I was happy with myself as a whole was when I was competing athletically (I was training for a marathon when this last attack of my colitis came on about two months ago. One of the effects of the active disease is painful arthritis in my knees and ankles... I am just now trying to get my milage back up)

    CK: pm'd u

    LSM: very interesting study. I've never had a massage because I can't stand the thought of someone touching me and feeling my fat. (yet I can give lapdances without too much of a problem... its like I force myself to block out those feelings when at work... I definitely take on an alter-ego when I'm dancing)

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    Default Re: body hatred

    TD, the article mentions that "even anorexics who initially refused full-body treatments "found tremendous relief from foot, hand, and neck massage.""

    What stripper couldn't use a good foot massage, eh?


  21. #21
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    OK. See, you need therapy. Possibly drugs of some kind. You have (among other things, I'm sure) an impulse control disorder and possibly OCD.

    The way you look is completely irrelevent - if people telling you that you were pretty was helping you, then you would have this well and truly licked by now. It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel. If you have had this since before you were 10 there is probably some trauma somewhere that fueled, or possibly is still fueling it. People who have never experienced this can't understand, and it doesn't help that most studies on anorexia/bulima/BDD take as a basis, the irrationality of the patient. Trying to explain to people that it FEELS GOOD to be starving is futile. You feel shiny and clean and positive and contented they way other people feel when they are full (there is no reason that it should feel good to be "full" as opposed to "not hungry" - yet most people do, and will eat until they are "full" instead of just sated). I used to (still do sometimes) enjoy drinking cold water when I hadn't eaten for a while because it feels good (does anyone else do that? Tell me I'm not crazy). And there is a word for someone who has excessively slow metobolism due to chronic undereating, but I don't remember what it is. The cure, unfortunately, is to suck it up and get fat for a while. It will fix itself, but it will take a certain amount of time and there is NO circumventing the getting fat part. I'm using fat as a relative term here. You wouldn't be an orca, but you'd be bigger than your "natural" weight. But keep in mind, that your "natural weight" is probably bigger than what you are now anyway. When you fuck up your body it takes a certain amount of time to "heal".

    So, if you truly want to move on from this you have to make a decision. You have to DECIDE that the scale and your anti-food addictions are bad things, not good things and that you can live with a different body if it means being healthy, mentally. If you can't do that any therapy will just be an exercise in which someone assumes your complete irrationality and ignorance on any food related issue.

    Keep in mind that certain aspects of eating disorders are physically addictive, as well. Throwing up, for example, produces addictive endorphins (it actually helps migraines. Seriously).
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    God/dess PaigeDWinter's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    Quote Originally Posted by tampadancer
    Paige: me, gain weight?!?! girl ARE YOU CRAZY. 118 is underweight according to what? pregnant standards?? but thank you for saying that!
    Actually, no. It's according to doctors' standards. The average HEALTHY weight for someone at 5'3" is 120-125lbs. Seeing as your taller than I am, 125 is even a tiny, tiny bit on the small side.
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  23. #23
    Featured Member tampadancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    The cure, unfortunately, is to suck it up and get fat for a while. It will fix itself, but it will take a certain amount of time and there is NO circumventing the getting fat part. I'm using fat as a relative term here. You wouldn't be an orca, but you'd be bigger than your "natural" weight. But keep in mind, that your "natural weight" is probably bigger than what you are now anyway. When you fuck up your body it takes a certain amount of time to "heal".
    Jenny, you can't imagine the alarms this statement set off in my brain. Getting "fat" is not an option...

    you make it sound like pudging up is the only way for me to get over this, and I don't think that's the answer. I do appreciate your input, please don't think i'm firing back - I want to hear everyone's advice and experiences... I just know that is not the answer. Maybe I just misinterpreted your post

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    Default Re: body hatred

    Well good to hear its not as bad to check in somewhere.

    I agree "getting fat" is just like a big red alarm as a giant fatty burger would be to see on diet. I was 12-13ish is when I started to change my body image for the worse and eating such fatty food or any food for that matter was an awful thought.

    I no longer starve myself ever. Im really happy to say that is true. I educated myself on healthy food and portion control. Im still learning but looking back starving myself was the answer to getting thin again. Now its good food and good workouts. Whoever said you should speak to a nutritionist had a good idea. You should have someone there to help you see what foods are good for you and that food is not your enemy but a friend. I know that sounds gay but when you give yourself knowledge about how and what youre doing to your body you can truly see how it effects you long and short term.

    I dont want you to feel this way the rest of your life. No one should live their life like that forever. Take small steps even if the small steps take awhile to complete go ahead and do it. I was going to say that college nutrition books are pretty good; I kept mine from my nutrition class.
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  25. #25
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: body hatred

    Quote Originally Posted by tampadancer
    Jenny, you can't imagine the alarms this statement set off in my brain. Getting "fat" is not an option...

    you make it sound like pudging up is the only way for me to get over this, and I don't think that's the answer. I do appreciate your input, please don't think i'm firing back - I want to hear everyone's advice and experiences... I just know that is not the answer. Maybe I just misinterpreted your post
    I don't mean getting fat is the only way of getting over anorexia. I mean that your body will not ever start processing "normally" (and keep in mind that you have no idea what is normal for you) until you have given it normal conditions, and while it is learning to deal with those conditions you will gain weight. I completely understand you balking and saying "NO" to that, and I wouldn't try to pressure into anything else (it would pointless AND condescending). But that is part of what I meant when I said that you had to make a decision, and that you have to decide to get better.
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