Okay, I just re-read - that sounds very judgemental, like you want to be sick, or you're a bad person for not immediately deciding this. That's not what I mean at all. I completely understand not being able to/not wanting to make the decision. It's giving up a lot, and there is no point in lying about what a premium we place on thinness in our society. "You can never be too rich or too thin" and all of that, and pretty much all "beautiful women" in our society are thin, thin, thin. And, as I said, I realize that purging (through vomiting or starvation) can feel really, really, good. I'm not telling you that you have to start eating twinkies as fast as you can to orc up for mental health. But you do have to accept a certain amount of weight gain while you heal, mentally and physically, and a certain amount of permanent weight gain (probably) when you are healthy. And part of the decision IS to value other things more than your weight. Really, when you think about it, the "panic" that you describe seems to be a part of the illness, right?
Again, I do not judge you and I absolutely respect your own decisions regarding yourself.



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