OK, my last couple of weeks have been.. uh.. interesting. I called my friend (a porn director, well call him "Dan") and asked him if he could put me in a few videos so I can pay for school. He said sure and that I can stay with him to save $$. So, I head down... first of all we end up hitting it off... guess were dating now.
So, 2 weeks Im there with him and it comes time for my b/g video. I get there and then freak out. I dont know what the problem is... i did porn everyday for 3 years (and a lot harder than a 20 minute "vanilla porn") and now im in the bathroom crying before the shoot. huh? I dont know if this is because i feel guilty because he and I are seeing eachother or if its just the porn (because ive been out for so long)... Dan left the studio during the shoot and i sucked it up and did it. Afterwards he came back, walked me to my car, gave me a kiss (which surprised me) and I went to my other shoot (for a golf clothes catalog of all things...) That night was just weird. The ONLY reason i DID the shoot instead of walking out was because he was having problems with one of the other scenes that day getting a girl and i didnt want to stress him MORE and now i feel like im getting punished for it.
now i dont know WHAT to do... im SICK of stripping (havent worked in damn, months now) and now i cant do hardcore work (makes me sick to think about it).
"Dan" is hooking me up with a agent Cam Smith - csmodels.net (highly recommended) because he gets lots of solo, fetish and g/g work so I dont have to worry about doing boys... but who knows how much work ill get, not to mention its not even close to the amount of $$ i could make with a few videos.
I dont know what my problem is... i NEED school money, i dont NEED a boyfriend but now im NOT doing hardcore work because im seeing someone.
Ya know, i did porn behind my ex's back and never felt guilty, just didnt care and this guy ive been seeing for a couple of weeks and feel like crap about it.
And how can i fall for someone so FAST AND hes twice my AGE... AND hes taking me to Philly to meet his family next week?! :/ (trip was already planned but now im going with him). Hes also talking about a trip to Cozumel this summer. Its all going so FAST.... ahhhhhhhh....but when its happening it doesnt seem so fast, just when i sit back and THINK about it. My friend Chanta says that im trying to fit in all my younger years into a summer because my daughters gone and ive never really been able to play and be young... maybe shes right. But it doesnt FEEL like im just "playing"
I guess i just needed to vent - this is probably the most confusing writing without any real POINT but damn... i just DONT CARE. Maybe just some opinions (if you can understand any of my ramblings)...


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