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Thread: Boyfriend trouble

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    Sad Boyfriend trouble

    I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and I love him very very much. I'm also very interested in becoming a dancer. He knows I'll be in college soon, and that I don't have all the money it would take to support myself. But, when I expressed my interest in becoming a dancer he said:
    "you can go be a ho if you want to, just don't expect me to stick around."

    I know how that must sound to all of you that dance right now, so I appologize for his ignorance.

    Anyway...If I don't dance, I can't think of any other legal way to get the money I need (without borrowing it)...do you guys think I should stop trying to do what I want because of his misconceptions, and sacrifice the financial opportunities dancing provides, OR save my relationship to a man that I want to start a family with one day.

    please, give me some help!! have any of you guys ever ballanced your job with your love life??

    xox sammi

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Quote Originally Posted by sammi
    I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and I love him very very much. I'm also very interested in becoming a dancer. He knows I'll be in college soon, and that I don't have all the money it would take to support myself. But, when I expressed my interest in becoming a dancer he said:
    "you can go be a ho if you want to, just don't expect me to stick around."

    I know how that must sound to all of you that dance right now, so I appologize for his ignorance.

    Anyway...If I don't dance, I can't think of any other legal way to get the money I need (without borrowing it)...do you guys think I should stop trying to do what I want because of his misconceptions, and sacrifice the financial opportunities dancing provides, OR save my relationship to a man that I want to start a family with one day.

    please, give me some help!! have any of you guys ever ballanced your job with your love life??

    xox sammi
    The male perspective - some guys will always have issues with their SO being a dancer. It's not easy thinking of your other half flirting with and being naked in front of strangers. The guy is emotionally involved with you - and he is having to deal with strangers seeing what's thus far been his private preserve - the intimate parts of your body.

    I have several dancers as OTC friends - and most have SO's. In each case they keep an absolutely rigid seperation between work and private life. Their SO's never come to work, cos it's not relationship enhancing to see actually your other half naked in front of strangers. The amount they tell their SO's about work also varies - some tell everything, others exercise discretion in what they say.

    If one case at least, the fact that "X" is a dancer is a major factor in the impending break up of her marriage.

    If your bf is rigid in his thinking, you may have an either/or situation: either bf and family or dance and meet your career aspirations - an almost impossible choice to be forced into.

    The only suggestion I can make - if you have not yet done so - is to go to a SC together so that he can see the actuality of what's involved. At least then what ever decision he makes will be based on experience rather than "old wives tales".

    Good luck.

    Phil.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    You love this person, but the odds of things working out are stacked against you. Even later on, only fifty percent of marriages work out. Your number one priority is you. That being said...
    Make sure this is the choice you want to make. Don't glamorize it. I have atleast one person try to finger my ass each time I go to work. And, it's a bad day if I'm not propositioned for prostitution. Student loans aren't so bad. You have 10-20 years to decide to be a dancer.

    My boyfriend just said: If you want to marry the guy, you should do what you can to save the relationship. But, it sounds unhealthy already. Dump the zero and marry a hero.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    this type of thread comes up over and over again. We always say DUMP HIM!

    just wondering, how old are you?

    Also, there is nothing wrong with taking out student loans.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    hhmm...

    thanks for the input, guys! man...i honestly don't think i can leave him. I care about him so much, and I truly cannot picture myself loving anyone else but him. I'm very young ( 18 ), so maybe i'm being naieve.

    I am scared to death of student loans. I'm going to school to become involved in the business field. I know, I'll have to take out more than one student loan, but then I also have to take out a small business loan at one point. My family is nowhere near rich, and I can't depend on them to help me.

    It basically boils down to a conflict of love and finances. I would not value money more than my love, but as they say "love don't pay the rent"...i definitely have a decision to make. anymore input is appreciated. thanks again

    sammi

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    I am assuming your boyfriend is very young too.This type of behavior is normal(for now).He will outgrow this one day(hopefully).The question is,are you willing to wait around until that happens???

    Young guys suck.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    You are going to have to make a decision here and stop being a weenie. Of course I am not trying to be mean to you at all, just talking straight, so don't automatically assume that I am trying to bash you.

    I've seen this time and time again with dancers and women who want to become dancers, They fuss because their SO doesn't like it. Well dang, then tell that SO to help..if he doesn't want you to dance. Is HE going to fork over the cash so you can go to school?

    Probably not. This is a sad fact but it is true. Once more, you are young and you should not throw this chance to better yourself ( by going to school ) out the window for some guy that wants to call you a whore. Stripping paid for my collage, for my house, for my stuff!

    Guys will be around and if this one loves you he will support you and want you to better yourself!!! Love doesn't indeed pay then rent, and it does not make the world turn. Love is wonderful and has it's place, but not in your pocketbook.

    With all of that said, I do only wish you the best and GOOD LUCK!
    Miss R

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    this type of thread comes up over and over again. We always say DUMP HIM!

    just wondering, how old are you?

    Also, there is nothing wrong with taking out student loans.
    No fair!!!!

    Your using some kind of puppy flower power!!!
    I'm very young ( 18 ), so maybe i'm being naieve.
    Not to shabby,even for a <gak>"mod"

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Regardless of the relationship/career status, any idiot whose response is "You can go be a ho if you want to, just don't expect me to stick around," is an insensitive, inarticulate dumbass. If he had said, "It's your life, but I have problems with that decision," I might be a little less inclined to call him a cockhead.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Trust me, he's not the love of your life. People who care about you and want to spend the rest of their life with you don't make callaused judgemental statements. Any man that gives you an ultimatum is a manipulator. Is he going to threaten to walk out on your relationship everytime you express an intrest in doing something he might disagree with? Some guys can't handle being an entertainers bf, but most guys will at least try on the hat before they declare it ugly. Do what you know is best for you in the long haul because chances are he's not gonna last as long as loan payments.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Your story is mine when I was 19, except we were already living together and bills piled up. My choice was to let him go, and I soon found out that he was actually a CUSTOMER of the club I ended up working at!! I don't regret that choice...
    The moral of my story is, if your boyfriend tries to control your decision or threatens to breakup with you if you don't make the choice he wants you to, he may be doing it for his own selfish gain (or in my case, to cover his ass)!

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    ok,im gonna put on my flame retarded suit,and play"in defense of him".

    Maybe,just maybe,he knows what the averages are, in him remaining as your boyfriend if you enter into this industry,slim and none,or about a snowballs chance in hell.

    Does it happen,sure.
    Just not 99.9999999999% of the time.
    Take a poll in your dressing room when you get to work if you dont belive me and pay little heed to what some here will say(lol to include ME)
    See what the odds are in YOUR dressing room for the proof you need.

    Maybe he knows, and is fighting it as any man would,who as you say,loves you.
    Men in general,specially young men,do and say stupid chit when dealing with emotional issues concerning the woman they love.
    Thats not an excuse for what he said,just a viewpoint from a different guy.


    Regardless of how many fellow dancers will admit this,MOST who come into this industry with a boyfriend/hubby, DONT leave the industry with the same guy at the end of 5 years.
    You will have alot of girls swear that they have danced a few years and had the same boyfriend,more power to them.
    Now ask the ones who have been doing this for 5 years.
    Relationship deaths in this industry are worse the the Navy and the police divorce rate combined.

    Most times,becomming a dancer means shedding the relationship you have.

    The proof is in your dressing room,ask them.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    girl, you are too young to be dancing! (The law says otherwise, but this is my opinion.)

    Live the life of a normal 18 year old! This means going to college, taking out loans, getting a summer job waiting tables, and making a series of mistake with retarded young boys. Don't get sucked into this world so young. It's a hard trap to get out of. Someone on here once said that the hardest decision isn't whether or not to start dancing...it's whether or not to quit dancing.

    Don't rush your life. Why are you thinking about starting a family with anyone at your age? You have too much to live for to be living for someone else.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    I just want to give you a little advice about student loans and you can take it or leave it. I'm not going to say that they are a bad thing, but I am 33 years old. I graduated from college when I was 20 or 21, however the hell old I was in 1993. Anyway, my parents put me through college and I had a full-time job. I didn't have to take out loans. I got out of college with a degree in pre-law but like an idiot put off law school. anyway, the point I'm making is my degree has so far not done jack shit for my earning potential. I had to move back in with my parents after college. I would avoid the loans if you can. At least I didn't have to pay those back too.

    As far as the boyfriend, only you know what is right for you but when I was 19 I had a guy I was engaged to and that lasted about a year. I'm not saying what you feel isn't real or it can't work out. Hell, my parents got married after knowing each other a year when they were 20 and they are still married 40+ years later. Maybe you should just check out a strip club and see if it's even something you really want to do. Also, if it is something you totally feel okay with and it bothers your bf it may be that you all have a lot of different values in life and you are more open minded which could ultimately cause problems down the line.

    In the end though the only person you really have to make happy in life is the one you see when you look in the mirror. Good luck to you whatever your decision may be!

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    to everyone wondering, my SO is 20...turning 21 this year. And like i said, maybe i am too young to act like this is my one true love, "always and forever", type of relationship. But the feelings I have are so real, I can't imagine anything else beyond this...ya know?

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow
    You are going to have to make a decision here and stop being a weenie. Of course I am not trying to be mean to you at all, just talking straight, so don't automatically assume that I am trying to bash you.

    I've seen this time and time again with dancers and women who want to become dancers, They fuss because their SO doesn't like it. Well dang, then tell that SO to help..if he doesn't want you to dance. Is HE going to fork over the cash so you can go to school?

    Probably not. This is a sad fact but it is true. Once more, you are young and you should not throw this chance to better yourself ( by going to school ) out the window for some guy that wants to call you a whore. Stripping paid for my collage, for my house, for my stuff!

    Guys will be around and if this one loves you he will support you and want you to better yourself!!! Love doesn't indeed pay then rent, and it does not make the world turn. Love is wonderful and has it's place, but not in your pocketbook.

    With all of that said, I do only wish you the best and GOOD LUCK!
    Miss R
    very very good point...I know if he had the money, he would help me...but he doesn't. But at the same time, I'm sacrificing alot to be with him (that's a totally different story), and I'm just supposed to sit in debt, and not be able to better myself because of his insecurities?? and in defense of him, i think that's all it boils down to...him being insecure. He sometimes isn't that confident of himself, and says im "out of his league"...i think he just doesn't want this to end our relationship.

    but you guys are right...if he really loves me, he would at least test the waters with me first right?? i mean...who's to say that I will even like dancing? what if i don't. he's saying 'no' b4 i've even started. And unless he has a better option for me to make like, $30,000 in the next year, he shouldn't stand in the way. right??

    hhmm....i feel so torn. But, i think im gonna do what I wanna do. again, any of your thoughts, or advice are welcome. thanks again, you guys have been really supportive.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Quote Originally Posted by sammi
    but you guys are right...if he really loves me, he would at least test the waters with me first right?? i mean...who's to say that I will even like dancing? what if i don't. he's saying 'no' b4 i've even started. And unless he has a better option for me to make like, $30,000 in the next year, he shouldn't stand in the way. right??
    Wrong.

    Im very sorry most females who come into this business DONT listen to the man they love before making thier decision.

    Its real easy to use the "he is trying to control me"card.

    Nobody wants to deal the "he loves me,doesnt want me ridin dick"or the "I dont want the woman I love to be naked in front of other men"card.

    Its real easy for a female to be surrounded by the hype.

    Maybe just maybe,it isnt always about "controlling" alla time.It might just be the man you love trying to tell you to find a different way to make 30K next year.

    You can make 30K next year at Hooters or TGIF's serving chicken wings and come home to the man you say you love every night.
    Or
    You can strip,make 60K easy,and be without the man you say you love.

    It isnt about "controling"or a "man keepin you down",its about choices for the future involving both of you,decided by only you.

    Its not just you deciding to dance or not,its you deciding to be in this relationship or not,and you just put its worth into numbers,30K.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    I have been with the same guy sice I was 16, (I am 21 now), and the first time I mentioned it he said "No", in a nutshell. I don't think he ever called me or ho but he was concerned that I would become one. This is probably a fear of your man's. He may also just be scared that you will leave, because you are young and with a new lifestyle comes new opportunities, maybe better ones. Maybe he is concered about your safety or a handful of other objections.

    My advice is to find out WHY he is responding negatively to the idea. Afterall, some objections are ligitimate and reasonable. However, they are also arguable =). Talk him through it. Make him more comfortable. Tell him what you told us, that you love him, and you won't leave, that you are doing it for the both of you, make him see that you will be safe. You might even let him read some of the posts on this forum do dispell the myth that strippers are all dumb whores.

    If none of that works then its a case of old fashioned jealously and you don't need that in your life. DUMP HIM.
    truth has a liberal bias

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    I also want to ask you to reverse the situation. Ask yourself honestly how comfortable you would be with him doing the same thing? Are you being crazy and controling or nervous for a good damn reason? What would you need to know, hear, see in order to be comfortable with the idea of Mr. Right being around loads of drunk and horny women with pockets full of cash they are willing to pay to get a look at his ass? (women are different than men, I know, his job wouldn't be anything like this, but in order to make a comparison, humor me)
    truth has a liberal bias

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Well, I tend to agree with Susan that he doesn't sound like the kindest, smartest, or most sensitive guy on the planet....

    OTOH, I also agree with BigGreen when he points out that a girl's BF may have some very legitimate concerns about her entering the Biz (it's different if she's already a dancer when they meet....in that case it becomes his decision whether he can deal with her chosen occupation, at least in the beginning of the relationship....).

    Of course your feelings for your man are real. They are also hyper-intense in a way that they can only be when you're as young as you are.....But this business will change you. Point blank. Now, I can't predict the ways in which it will change you personally (that depends on your personality, your individual sexuality and its associated psychology, the club you work in, the people you encounter, and your specific experiences as a dancer.) But some kind of change is inevitable, and your relationship may or may not survive those changes. Then again, your relationship may or may not survive even if you choose not to dance.

    Do you know what school you will be attending? Is it public or private? Have you applied for financial aid? Have you received your aid package? If your family is not well-off, and if you have good grades and test scores, you may be eligible for grants as well as loans....How far have you gotten in this process? You can also use resources at the school you plan to attend, as well as on the internet, to find and apply for appropriate scholarships. If you really make an effort, there is definitely "free money" out there for college tuition.

    Stripping is a good choice for some women, and it has certainly helped many students pay for school. However, I think it takes a certain kind of person to avoid the pitfalls of the business and stay focused on the healthy and productive things in their lives, especially when they are young and new to the Industry. Most of the dancers I know who have managed to do this are in their mid-twenties to mid-thirties, and they have already explored and rejected the Dark Side of the business...

    I started dancing at about your age, and while I don't regret my years in the Industry (I stopped dancing when I was thirty), I will say that I seldom applied my earnings to useful or productive things that would benefit my future. I went to school sporadically, and while I did use dancing money to pay some tuition, I still haven't finished my undergraduate degree (despite being a high-achieving student when I am in school), and I am currently taking out loans in order to do so.

    Here's a fairly likely scenario: You start stripping and you enjoy it. Your BF can't handle it, and you meet someone who not only handles it well, but thinks it's really cool that you're a dancer. You're raking in the cash, but you work late nights and often drink at work, just to be social. This takes a toll on your schoolwork. You decide to take a semester off so that you can just dance full-time and pile up a shitload of cash, then live off it for the next year so you won't have to work so much during the school year. Meanwhile, you've moved in with the guy who thinks it's cool that you dance, and most of your money goes on rent and bills (especially since your new guy will quite possibly become unemployed at some point after he realizes that his GF pulls in a couple grand a week. )

    The next thing you know, it's five years later, you're in your mid-twenties, you have no degree, you're burned out on dancing, and you have nothing to put on your resume for a straight job. Also, unless you've been paying your taxes, you have no tax returns to show if you want to apply for financial aid to go back to school.

    I'm not saying this will happen....but it's a pretty common story among the dancers I know. Just something to consider....
    Good luck.
    "Doc still loved true things, but he knew it was not a general love and it could be a very dangerous mistress." - John Steinbeck, Cannery Row


    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Quote Originally Posted by ThaiLynn
    I also want to ask you to reverse the situation. Ask yourself honestly how comfortable you would be with him doing the same thing? Are you being crazy and controling or nervous for a good damn reason? What would you need to know, hear, see in order to be comfortable with the idea of Mr. Right being around loads of drunk and horny women with pockets full of cash they are willing to pay to get a look at his ass? (women are different than men, I know, his job wouldn't be anything like this, but in order to make a comparison, humor me)
    LOL

    Im not sure if you have ever been to a male strip club for females.

    You gals are freekin nuts at male strip shows,and border on feeding frenzy.

    I can tell a roomfull of full grown men to "Not touch",no problem.Telling a roomfull of females not to touch is just a waste of time,its like they have been possessed or something.
    Its not the same as the female dancers crowd and its not the same as the male dancing for males crowd.
    Even gay men control themselves better then female crowds watching strippers.
    Im sure its different in different clubs,but from what I have seen over the years,you gals just go nuts.

    No way could a female dancer endure from men custies ,what a male dancer has to from a female custies.NOPE NOPE NO WAY!LOLOL

    Wheres Chad??? He has to jump in here!!!lolol

    Not to change the subject to much,but has anyone ever seen a female stripper who is dating a male stripper????
    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Better then fuckin soaps!!!!

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    At 18, I think your career is more important than a guy. If he likes you enough to eventaulyl want to start a family, he will atleast TRY to understand your side of the situation. A few years from now he could be gone anyway.... if that time did come, you do not want to be regretting your choice to not jumpstart your career. YOU are your own main focus. !8 is the age to do for yourself, go after your dreams, and never let a man interfere! If he cared that much he would not be so quick to say "i will leave you"... He should be wiling to talk this situation out with you.. and find a mutual compromise. Good Luck

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicolina
    a girl's BF may have some very legitimate concerns about her entering the Biz (it's different if she's already a dancer when they meet....in that case it becomes his decision whether he can deal with her chosen occupation, at least in the beginning of the relationship....).
    I agree very much so, and feel the need to one day buy you a beer.

    Im not defending boyfriends,I want to be very clear on that,most that i have met at work,to include the guys dating my 3 oldest,purty much suck as a whole.
    Im stunned sometimes at the total lack of respect for females i see from younger guys.(I had to remove one guy from my living room by his ear for refferring to my 16 year old as "His Hookerho")

    Im also not saying this industry isnt a great way for a woman to get out of a bad situation with some fucktard who IS "controlling".
    If you ask in a dressing room,its always the "controlling card"that is delt in unison.
    Im saying the deck is full of other cards.

    Like the girl who walks away from a good decent guy to dance.She doesnt like it and stops 6 months later.That relationship is very hard to patch up,and i have not seen it work often when tried,you cant step into the same river twice.
    Or the girl who leaves a decent guy to do this,and ends up with some freekin turn ball that she finds in this industry,like us dj's or doorguys,or even worse,some freekin strip club manager.I can count the times I have seen that lil story work on one hand and still pick your nose and mine with the fingers left over.
    Then there is the really kewl one,the stripper who finds a boyfriend or hubby inside a club.Find me one of those that made it to 10 years,i will show you something as rare as a nun getting struck by lightning on sunday morning,pissin on a bush outside the Vatican.

    This isnt a pro choice rally,a NOW movement meeting,or a femi nazi picnic,so why is the boyfriend always the villian,instantly tagged as "jelouse"and "controlling"??

    My only point is that its not always the case,and for the most part,its not the case at all.
    Many of the girls I have seen,almost most,end up with alot worse then they got rid of.

    If it were up to me,we would only hire single females who agree to celebicy until the end of thier career.
    Think about all the problems that would solve in dancers lives??
    WOW!!!!

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    I agree with everything said on here. For her situation in particular, she may have to analyze what is really important to her. If you really can only see a dancing job as a temporary resolution to some financial difficulties...maybe it would be more wise to keep your relationship the main priority. On the other hand, If this is something you really feel you want to do.... and could keep doing..... (perhaps you have always wanted to do it, or wondered about it).... I think you should go for it. You only live once, plus you are 18 and this is your chance to take opportunities.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    Quote Originally Posted by Silky
    At 18, I think your career is more important than a guy. If he likes you enough to eventaulyl want to start a family, he will atleast TRY to understand your side of the situation. A few years from now he could be gone anyway.... if that time did come, you do not want to be regretting your choice to not jumpstart your career. YOU are your own main focus. !8 is the age to do for yourself, go after your dreams, and never let a man interfere! If he cared that much he would not be so quick to say "i will leave you"... He should be wiling to talk this situation out with you.. and find a mutual compromise. Good Luck
    that's my point...he's not even trying to understand. he doesn't want me to make money that way, but, he isn't tryin to pay my bills. Is he gonna pay my rent? All these responsibilities are on my shoulders, and he's inhibiting the way i'm trying to get by. BUT....

    ALL the posts that BigGreen made were totally legitimate, and I agree with. He's really not a bad guy. He's a great guy. He's just insecure when it comes down to things like that, and he wouldn't be comfortable with other men seeing me in a blatantly sexual way. And i really wouldn't wanna let sumthin like this break us up. I just think he at least owes it to me to be a little more open minded since im relocating just to be with him (like i said...totally different story lol)

    In regard to the person asking about my financial aid situation. I'm going to a public university in Michigan. My financial aid package is pretty much complete. I got a $500 Pell Grant (the minimum amount...because my dad makes so much), and a loan offer for like, 2K. the cost of attendance is like, 24K a year. I have applied for scholarships through the internet, and my community and i got one for $500. I applied for more through the school, but I haven't heard anything from them yet. Scholarships are my last hope. You never know...some of them were for a full ride...and my gpa (3.3) and ACT score (23) are pretty good...but like i said, they have yet to respond.

    I'm really at my ropes end...my dad and I had a falling out, so he's basically left me on my own when it comes to college. And, my mom doesn't have the money to support me. That's why I came to stripping as a conclusion. I thought about waitressing...but it won't bring in as much as possible. I mean, if I have the opportunity to make 60K a year vs. 30K, why not take it?? I would be stupid to not take it, because at this point in my life, I don't have any one to financially support me, except me.

    I know he only wants to help, and he wants me to evaluate other options...but when it comes to money, he's in no position to support me or help me.

    Lord PLEASE let me win the Lottery!!

    thanks again for your comments. All good points, and good insight. Advice and feedback is welcome

  25. #25
    Member Bryon53067's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend trouble

    It's your decision,but I myself don't have a problem with my girlfriend being a stripper,'cause other people had to pay just to see the flesh I was holding every night,and I know what she did when she was off work,I was with her.
    [FONT=Verdana][SIZE=7][COLOR=RoyalBlue][IMG]Bryon

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