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Thread: Missing her---help! need good advice

  1. #1
    Featured Member screaminpeachez's Avatar
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    Sad Missing her---help! need good advice

    My sister has been married to an Arabic man for a few years now.
    He didn't approve of our family, for various reasons.
    Right before their wedding he gave her the ultimatum of our Family or Him.
    So she has disowned us.
    They still live in our area which makes it harder because I know where they live.
    My mother visited me today. She was very upset
    I found out out a while back that she had a boy, Nicholas.
    My mother informed me that she had just had a daughter, Isabella.
    My mother said that she went to my sisters house while she was pregnant and blocked her car.
    She saw the boy and my expecting sister.
    She said she weeped and said she had to leave or her husband would get angry. She couldn't risk her marriage.

    I am pretty distrought over this.
    I've considered sending her a card with a picture of my wedding.
    And I would really like a picture of the kids a some point.
    I thought maybe I'd send the card to her work.
    I am not trying to interfere. I just want her to know that I am still around and that I love her.

    What would you do?
    "may your work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no-one is watching, screw like your being filmed and drink like a true Irishman "--anonymous
    "GOD is LOVE, but get it in writing"- Gypsy Rose Lee

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    Veteran Member DJ_Duane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Missing her---help! need good advice

    I have known Arabs - Muslim and Christian - for many years now, so I can try to give what I hope will be helpful advice.

    You didnt specify why the husband disaproves of your family, so it is a bit harder to help out.

    Arabic culture does not give the husband the right to force his wife to disown her family. Ever. Arab women keep their family name after marriage, they almost never take their husbands name. Muslim or Christian, the wife's family cannot be forsaken by the husband.

    He has no rights, real or implied, by any marriage contract in any Arab culture to cut-off his wife from her family.

    If the husband is a Muslim, find-out what mosque he goes to and get the contact information for the imam there. Send it to me, via PM, and I will inform the imam at the mosque here in Hawaii. The two of them can talk and try to work this out. If the husband is a devote Muslim, his imam may be able to straighten him out.

    If he's a Christian, contact the priest at his church. Hopefully, he's an Orthodox Christian from one of the Eastern Churches in the Arab world. There is a Coptic Orthodox priest here in Hawaii. I could try to get the two of them together and her husband's priest can intercede for you.

    You dont give many specifics on what has happened to your sister, aside from having two children. If she has changed religions, etc.

    Can you give a bit more details?

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    Featured Member screaminpeachez's Avatar
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    Default Re: Missing her---help! need good advice

    They are Orthadox. Which I believe his family converted after living in America.
    I am not sure of what church they attend, I will try to find out.
    He didn't approve of our family for the following reasons.
    A) my parents are divorced
    B) When he met my mother she was wearing a very short skirt and lots of make up.
    He felt that she was promiscuous.
    C) My brother Jilted them on a landscaping deal that he installed for them.
    D) My other sister and I are strippers.
    Basically he feels we are white trash

    my sister was divorced when they met, so he insists she feel lucky that he married her.
    She works as a nurse at a local hospital.

    I don't believe he is trying anything legal with her just more like MIND CONTROL.

    She has her own reasons for wanting out of the family.
    My mother was a hypochondriac and insane!
    My father was extremly abusive.
    I can see why she would want to forget her past.

    but she made it clear that her marriage would be threatened if she stayed in contact with us.
    "may your work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no-one is watching, screw like your being filmed and drink like a true Irishman "--anonymous
    "GOD is LOVE, but get it in writing"- Gypsy Rose Lee

    http://www.myspace.com/screaminpeachez

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Missing her---help! need good advice

    Hmm. It seems she escaped one unpleasant sitation for another. Although I think he's a piece of crap for leading her down that road, she obviously made the choice to go for it herself. She probably has herself convinced she's improving herself.

    People are attracted to like-minded people. Especially when they're mentally/emotionally less than healthy. I'm thinking this guy's religion/culture has little or nothing to do with the situation - think he'd be controlling regardless. So typical for this type of guy to be attracted to the woman initially wearing sexy clothes and heavy makeup, then use that against her to make her feel "lucky" he chose her instead of a more "proper" woman

    I would send her the card at work. I think it would be less threatening to her marriage that way, and you could just tell her that you're not trying to interfere with the marriage, but you still love her and miss her and would like to keep in touch, even if only through occasional cards and letters. IMO she needs to know she still has a family to go back to if she ever decides this marriage isn't right for her - as it is, being cut off like that, he's kinda got her trapped into staying with him. I'd send it with no return address and nothing on the outside to reveal what it is or who it's from - and type the address on the envelope, rather than handwrite it.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    Banned BigGreenMnM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Missing her---help! need good advice

    Quote Originally Posted by screaminpeachez
    What would you do?
    Wow,this sucks!!!Im sorry your going thru it,I know for sure it would rock my world if it were me and my brother or sister.

    Im going to give you another angle on it.
    Im not suggesting it,or do i condone it or think its right or whats needed in your case,its just something to think about.
    Just an opinion from an old dj,please dont let me add offended on top of what your feeling now,i swear it wont be my intention.

    Ok first off,fuck him,and sorry,fuck your sister.

    They do NOT have the right to erase one half of a family tree for opinions and impressions.

    If the child was in danger,thats different.

    The child has rights,and guess what,in MANY states(crossing fingers your in one of them)they have whats called Grandparents rights.

    Yup,you guessed it,Grandparent visitation,set by a judge in a court of law.
    If they say no,thats contempt and the stakes go up.

    Im an asshole,so my patience would be short when it comes to MY moms grandkid,and my blood,so im not afraid to deal that card.
    I would ask nice one more time.
    Then i would toss the whole thing into social services hell and file for grandparents visitation rights.

    I really hope the situation improves for you and the kids involved,and for your mom.I know what this would do to my mom.

    Maybe one of the smatter lawyer types on the forum can help,try to get ahold of stant,maybe he can give you the real info on grandparents visitation rights in your state.

    Best of luck.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Missing her---help! need good advice

    Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I would send the card to her work. There are lots of ways that she can stay in contact without compromising her marriage (if/until she gets to the point that that sort of control is no longer acceptable to her). I mean, being mad at your family for screwing him on a job is one thing - HIM not wanting to see you or spend Christmas with you is one thing, but forcing her to choose is not normal behaviour. Anyway, neither here nor there right now. She can email you, write, call from work. If she gets a calling card she can call from home. Good luck honey.

    By the way, just a note on the above - grandparental rights are generally only an issue if the couple is divorced, legally separated, or the applicable parent (in this case your sister) is dead. They exist in order to give the child a sense of family continuity if the wishes of one parent aren't necessarily being represented. There is no court that is going to undermine two parents who agree that a child shouldn't see another relative. Plus, that will only alienate your sister, and set yourself and the rest of your family against her, thus solidifying her current situation, and making her feel like she has no where to go if she leaves it.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    Veteran Member DJ_Duane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Missing her---help! need good advice

    Quote Originally Posted by screaminpeachez
    He didn't approve of our family for the following reasons.
    A) my parents are divorced
    B) When he met my mother she was wearing a very short skirt and lots of make up.
    He felt that she was promiscuous.
    C) My brother Jilted them on a landscaping deal that he installed for them.
    D) My other sister and I are strippers.
    Basically he feels we are white trash
    A) Alright, the divorce issue is more important for Orthodox Christians than for Muslims. Orthodox Christianity is more stringent than most Americans are used to. No help available here.
    B) Your mother's appearance is irrelevant. His right to judge your mother is nonexistant. She is the mother of his wife. That's all that matters.
    C) Your brother should apologize immediately and reimburse them. Being swindled by strangers is one thing. Being cheated by family members is a gross insult.
    D) That is none of his business. The fact that the two of you are strippers is a matter for your own family. None of his business. He can avoid you, yes. He cannot cut you off from your sister under any circumstances.

    My guess is that the issue with your brother is one of the bigger ones here. Try to get that settled and see what happens after that.

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