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Thread: obsession with a fellow dancer

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    Veteran Member siliconedoll's Avatar
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    Default obsession with a fellow dancer

    Hi everyone Im kinda embarrased to be writing this but Im so unhappy I need to get it out but please dont be too harsh, constructive criticism only! Basically theres a girl at work who I am getting a really negative obsession with. When I came in a couple of years ago as a custy she gave me my first lapdance and Im ashamed to say I kinda fell in love, not in the literal sense obviously but she certaintly makes every custy feel special. anyway iv now started work at the same club so I see her most nights and my awe of her is turning into hate and im so angry at myself. I find myself watching her and wanting to harm myself for not being as utterly beautiful as her. I know its weird and wrong of me but I cant help it and she really makes me upset. she has a constant smug look (i would too if i was her) and when i see her i actually feel physically ill and often tearful. Believe me I know how crazy this sounds but i hate her for being so wonderful and hate me for not being her and for being such a bitch.

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    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Do you have the desire to physically harm her???I think you should find another club if the answer is,"yes".This is not healthy at all.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

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  3. #3
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    wow... this is NOT GOOD!

    It is naural for women to compare themself to other women, but you have taken it too far!
    This isnt healthy for you to do, and you are probally killing your hustle at the same time.

    Try to concentrate on what she doesnt have IF you need to look at her. nobody is 100 percent perfect! And concentrate more on what you have! SMILE SMILE SMILE and get that confidence up!

    Im sure you are as equally beautiful! She is confident, that is what makes her attractive to most.

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    Veteran Member Nina's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    I've always wondered why new chicks are all over you with the compliments and the "teach me all about the biz" in the beginning and then after a few months they get all catty & evil?

    you should talk to a therapist.
    Sexy, Swarovski Stripper jewelry, OOAK, and DIY clothing


    "Acceptance is right. Kindness is right. Love is right. I pray, right now, that we're moving into a kinder time when prejudice is overcome by understanding; when narrow-mindedness, and narrow-minded bigotry is overwhelmed by open-hearted empathy; when the pain of judgmentalism is replaced by the purity of love"
    Janet Jackson

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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Even though I've never experienced this sort of thing to the degree that you are now, I can relate to what you're saying. I think it stems from a general tendency toward self-hatred and self-destructiveness, and irrational feelings of guilt and shame.

    I don't think it's all that different from what some of the customers experience: they become utterly obsessed with a dancer who, in the context of the club, seems too perfect to be real, but when they find they cannot possess her (or their fantasy of her), the obsession turns into loathing. Sometimes it is directed at the dancer, but often, I think, it morphs into a kind of self-loathing....Blind hatred is the raging underbelly of love, after all.

    I'm guessing you have engaged in some self-destructive behaviors in the past. If this girl, for whatever reason, is becoming a trigger for those behaviors, you should probably distance yourself from her somehow: switch clubs, work different shifts, take a vacation, whatever.

    I'm not a huge fan of talk therapy, but it's possible that you could benefit from that if you have access to it. If you don't, try to analyze your response to her as honestly as you can. Do it in writing, preferably. What is it about her that pushes your buttons? What is making you so angry? Does she remind you of anyone in any way? What does she have that you want? Is there any way that you could work to get those coveted things in a positive, healthy way? If you've had dreams about her, write them down and think about what the images and emotions in them mean to you. I think that identifying the reasons that she makes you feel this way is more than half the battle.

    OTOH, if you're not very good at self-analysis, the best course of action is probably to distance yourself from her, quit thinking about her, and do everything you can to focus on what you need to do to make yourself feel better....

    From your post, I'm not sure what your sexual orientation is.....My guess is that you're not really a lesbian, but you sometimes encounter girls who you want to possess because you want to be them....I could be wrong. But I don't think that's at all uncommon among women. In other words, I think it is probably a garden-variety case of envy that has been blown out of proportion because you have a tendency toward self-loathing.

    I'm curious, though: How does she behave toward you? Does she ignore you? Do you feel rejected by her? Or, is she friendly toward you? Has her behavior toward you changed at all? Is there a possibility that you could become friends with her? Would that acceptance by her make you feel better? In other words, what do you want from her?

    Also, does her behavior toward you remind you, emotionally, of the behavior of other important people in your life?

    Sorry to ramble.....Just some thoughts.....
    "Doc still loved true things, but he knew it was not a general love and it could be a very dangerous mistress." - John Steinbeck, Cannery Row


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    Senior Member Ana_217's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Deja Vu...."Single White Female" Jennifer Jason Leigh, Bridgette Fonda. (1992)
    As regards psychoanalysis, a violet is still a violet.

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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Wow, too bad you're not getting much support here.

    I haven't experienced what you're describing, but it sounds pretty typical of someone with low self-esteem.

    The fact that you are reacting negatively to her now is bad- I agree that you should remove yourself from the situation until you can get yourself sorted out. Good luck-

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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Not going to attempt to improve on Nicolina's cogent analysis, but I think you should start focussing on your good points, not hers.

    There are plusses and minuses to everyone. She has good things about her, and to preserve the balance, some less pleasing aspects to her. The same could be said about you.

    Rather than think about her, I'd be focussing on the things about you that people like. There will be people in this life that find you attractive, that like your personality, that enjoy your conversation, etc.

    There's good in everyone - why don't you start thinking about what's good in you?

    Phil.

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by Nina
    I've always wondered why new chicks are all over you with the compliments and the "teach me all about the biz" in the beginning and then after a few months they get all catty & evil?
    ^^Me too.

    Siliconedoll, I think you should probably find a new club at least. I'm sure these feelings hurt your hustle and cause you to lose money, and the only way I can see to stop it is to get away from her. I think your real problem is lack of confidence and you're displacing the frustration onto her. Go to another club, don't compare yourself to other girls so much (we're all different) and work on your confidence building.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Oh, honey, you're not a bad person, and you should never judge yourself as compared to others. You are an individual and have things to offer that she doesn't, most assuredly.

    I agree that you've got a self-esteem issue at the least , especially if you're having thoughts about harming yourself (I don't know where some of the other posters got the idea you wanted to harm her) and I would suggest you look for some help and support whether it be talking to someone or hell, even therapy. Switching clubs won't fix the underlying issue as there will always be another amazing dancer wherever you go. You need to find a way to see yourself as amazing, too.

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    Veteran Member siliconedoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Wow wow ok, No I would never want to hurt her, and not really myself as such I just get frustrated as I dont look as good as her. Maybe its not as odd as I made it sound all I mean is I get depressed that she is so much better than me. I love the club Im at, and I dont wish that she was less attractive, im happy for her and consider her very lucky I just wish I could feel as happy with myself and I get a little distracted by it. Kinda wishing I kept these thoughts to myself as Im now being viewed as the resident SW psycho...

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    Featured Member Amethyst's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    ^^ No one sees you as a psycho, hun! It sounds like you need a crash course in self-love (the emotional kind) to learn how to embrace and enhance YOU. Sometimes it can be hard to appreciate our own individuality and beauty, and we waste time comparing ourselves to others, but for your own sake, you have to learn to value YOU above all others. If leaving the club is the best way for you to do that, leave. Otherwise, try to remove her from your radar: first figure out exactly what it is about her that's making you "obsessed" and angry and then force yourself to let it go. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but try it!!

    There are nights when I know I wish I had huge, voluptuous tits - specifically when the club seems to be full of nothing but "big-boob guys" - but then I go back to the dressing room and realize I wouldn't change these babies for anything in the world!!

    Embrace and appreciate who YOU are before trying to "love" someone else.


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    Veteran Member siliconedoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Also I dont know why the Single White Female reference was added as I thought that was about trying to take someones identity and life and then harm them. I have no desire to live her life, im content with my own and certaintly no desire to hurt her or anyone else.

    I dont actually want to look like her, Im not stupid I know if I dyed my hair brown so what, id still not be as pretty as her so i have no intention of trying to morph myself into her. I want to look like me, just a better version of me.

    And the self harm thing, its mental not physical. I mentally slap myself for not being as good, I dont actually go cut myself.

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    No hun, you're not being viewed as the resident psycho. We've all got our problems, you came asking for advice about yours and we gave based on what we read.

    It's very common for girls to hyperfocus on "not being as good" as someone else, when they should be focusing on what they have going for them and accentuating that. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative....that song is so appropriate.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    Senior Member Underestimated's Avatar
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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    She feels the same way some days. Guaranteed. I was jealous of a girl who told me she was jealous of me. The grass is always greener. If you want to be a better version of yourself, do it. Use the negative feelings as a motivater. When she tells you how great you look, all that negative stuff will melt away.

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    Default Re: obsession with a fellow dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by siliconedoll
    I want to look like me, just a better version of me.
    Then do it, what's stopping you?

    If there's something I don't like I fix it until I am content.
    I am not telling you to run out and seek a plastic surgeon. But, obliviously there are things we can all do to be the best US there is.
    Through this self-improvement you will become more centered and less involved in others.

    Stop looking at her... If that means you have to change your club, fine. It is your problem, deal with it however you want.

    But, don't use her as your excuse to hate yourself.
    It's not dealing with your real issue.

    I know this because I have been in similar situations.
    "may your work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no-one is watching, screw like your being filmed and drink like a true Irishman "--anonymous
    "GOD is LOVE, but get it in writing"- Gypsy Rose Lee

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