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Thread: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

  1. #1
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    In honor of Katrine's successful waxing post.. I thought I'd share what was sent to me recently after I complained about my painful waxing experience to a friend.. yes, I suppose it could be worse.. this is hysterical.. long but funny!



    One of women's dilemmas getting rid of unwanted hair-- One woman's
    story:


    All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal: the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the
    EpilStop, and now...The Wax.

    My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed dinner
    for my family and got everyone settled for the night. I then had the thought
    that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple
    hours: "maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet".

    I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom in
    peace. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
    just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press onto your leg
    (or wherever). No muss, no fuss.

    How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girliest of girls but I'm
    mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd
    think.

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
    stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the
    wax. I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the bugger to ten
    thousand degrees. Cold wax, my butt.

    (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

    I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.
    OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do
    this! So with my next wax strip, I'll move north.

    After checking on my beloved family again, I sneak into the bathroom for
    The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one
    foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip
    across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my
    vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right butt cheek.

    I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind from the pain! Vision returns. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off
    half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath and RIIIP!
    Everything is swirling and tie-dyed. Do I hear crashing drums?

    OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy -- my wax covered
    pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my
    triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold
    medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?
    Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

    Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see
    hair -- the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am
    touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout Nooooooo!!

    I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is
    now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake
    --
    up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

    I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.
    And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut.
    Anal area? Sealed shut.

    A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to poop anytime
    soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom
    trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

    Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and
    get in. The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

    Wrong.

    I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
    prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- and I sit.

    Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
    them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot
    water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

    So now I'm stuck in the tub -- literally!

    I call my friend, Liz, because she once dropped out of beauty school so
    surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax o ff skin.
    It's never good to start a conversation with "So my butt and vagina are
    stuck to the tub."

    She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the butt. "Are we talking
    cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles
    now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the
    number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the
    wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax
    Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put
    them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.

    You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the
    truth."

    While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax
    off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girlie goodies than
    covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN
    dry shaving the sticky wax off!

    In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other
    subjects!) I find the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess. I
    rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!"

    I get hearty congratulations from Liz and we hang up. I
    successfully
    remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there.
    So I shaved the darned stuff off. Man, I was numb by that point anyway.

    I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a
    moustache might start to come in.

    Tonight, I attempt hair dying


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  2. #2
    Veteran Member HoneyHITZ's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    lol i read this on another message board... hilarious!


    <Rhiannon_SW> :that's where Jimmy Hoffa went!
    * Rhiannon_SW gasps.

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    Default Re: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    lol that was funny! It really wasn't that bad though. Funny about the epilady...I used to have one of those when they first came out. THOSE things were fucking awful!!!!!


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    Featured Member showgirlschloe's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    I did something similar this week, except the side of my "girlie area" was stuck to my leg. I had to call my friend who owns a salon and she told me to use baby oil, or olive oil. She also told me "you know how many times I've gotten this same exact phone call?" I guess it's a common mistake.

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    Member sign_me_secretive's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    Yeah, I tried a bikini wax once. Cold wax, too. I decided that doing the crease in my thigh would be the least painful.

    I ended up with blue and purple popped blood vessels, and a bruise the size of Texas. (Ok, it was only about 2" in diameter, but it made walking painful.)

    NEVER again.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "I want women to be liberated and still be able to have a nice ass and shake it." --Shirley MacLaine

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    Default Re: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    Oh man! Self-waxing is so hard because of the pain. That second right after the rip is the worst moment of your life. I couldn't do it myself.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    What a person will go through to be beautiful! Hilarious.

    If I can ask, color me stupid, whats waking offer that like hair removal or even shaving does. Is it just an issue of smoothness?

    I mean it feels better I'm sure, but look at the cost.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Default Re: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    haha I find that the second right before the rip is the worst. Because I know what's coming.


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    Veteran Member Cristalla's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unsuccessful Waxing... FUNNY!

    LOL seems like you used superglue instead of wax!!

    two advices from someone whos waxing since 26 y o and never used a razor:

    1) cut with little scissors you bikini/armpit hair to the lenght of about 3mm ... otherwise it ll hurt like a bitch when u pull it off!!

    2) use the Nads hair removal system. it s amazing. melts with your body warmth and goes away with water or a wet towel. is a lil expensive -20 $ the jar- but worth it. and lasts forever... see the website for this product
    http://www.tvguardian-online.com/nads/

    happy waxing!

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