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Thread: A Formal Introduction

  1. #1
    Veteran Member lwtex52's Avatar
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    Default A Formal Introduction

    This formal introduction is meant only to impress people, and truth does not enter into the equation.

    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I spend a lot of my free time translating grocery prices for Cuban refugees, writing award-winning operas, and treading water for three days in a row.

    Although I once attempted to climb Mt. Everest, I was unsuccessful for three reasons: (1) I had to save some puppies from an avalanche, (2) I had to guide some lost nuns to civilization lest they starve to death, and (3) using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I had to defend a small village in Nepal from an invading force of accordion players.



    I have also performed several covert operations for the CIA, and once, while on vacation in Canada, successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. They claimed the bagels had grown stale. I am also author of the book, "101 Ways to Enhance Your Sex Life Using Only A Jar of Mayonaisse and a Watermelon".

    I am also artistic, having designed my own line of corduroy lingerie, can play all of Jimi Hendrix' greatest hits on my banjo, and am an expert in fake stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    I like to consider myself to be a man of the world. I am a martial artist, holding a gold belt in full-contact Origami, can cook extraordinary five-course meals using only a BIC lighter, once built a computer using a #2 pineapple can and a ball of string. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving championships in Kansas, and spelling bees in the Kremlin. I have also been known to successfully call in sick to work by claiming a rare gynecological disorder.



    Not being one to waste time, I have learned somthing from every life experience. For Instance, I have learned that you cannot force someone to love you. All you can do is offer bribes, and hope that they give in. I've learned that we are all responsible for our actions, unless we are celebrities or famous athletes. I've learned that no matter how passionate a relationship is at the beginning, the passion fades,and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that whatever it is that is wrong with Patrick Buchanan, I bet it's hard to pronounce. I've learned that there are three words guaranteed to humiliate any man: "Hold My Purse". Finally, I have learned that,while men will never experience childbirth, we can at least open all our own jars.



    As far as my vital statistics, I pitch left, bat left, have a batting average of .347, with 15 home runs, 8 triples, and 16 doubles. I breed prize-winning clams, and once toured the United States with a traveling superconductivity demonstration. Children, animals, and old people trust me, and I do not perspire.
    My latest conspiracy theory: I am convinced that Dick Cheney is, in reality, Elmer Fudd.

  2. #2
    Featured Member Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    Very cute. Welcome!

    Miss R.

  3. #3
    God/dess
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    My dear Baron Munchausen,

    may I welcome you to the board.

    Phil.

  4. #4
    Newbie Jenny Rose's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    Welcome

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    Veteran Member Yea's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    "gold belt in full-contact Origami" lol...

    Welcome


  6. #6
    Featured Member screaminpeachez's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    WELCOME iwtex...

    i love your posts! keep them coming!
    "may your work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no-one is watching, screw like your being filmed and drink like a true Irishman "--anonymous
    "GOD is LOVE, but get it in writing"- Gypsy Rose Lee

    http://www.myspace.com/screaminpeachez

  7. #7
    Veteran Member lwtex52's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    Quote Originally Posted by Yea
    "gold belt in full-contact Origami" lol...

    Welcome
    I had to do it. The city of my residence is known as "Dallas: Where Driving is a Martial Art".

    It has gotten so bad that I had to trade in my VW Bug for the new GM Obscenity SUV wutg renivabke doors, auto-deflatable tires, vibrating steering column and convertible engine that runs on 3,5 or 7 cylinders. It also comes with the Urban Assault Package with optional gun turret and grenade launcher.

    If all of that fails, I can fold my tax return into an AK-47 and flash my rear window sign that says "Cover Me! I'm Changing Lanes!"
    My latest conspiracy theory: I am convinced that Dick Cheney is, in reality, Elmer Fudd.

  8. #8
    Veteran Member lwtex52's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction - Correction

    "renivabke" is either due to a faulty keyboard and should read "removable", or it is an old Polish word meaning "Doors that fall off when you turn on the radio." I regret any inconvenience this error may cause.
    My latest conspiracy theory: I am convinced that Dick Cheney is, in reality, Elmer Fudd.

  9. #9
    Featured Member Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    LMAO. As a native Houstonian, I can relate.. how funny.

    Miss R.

  10. #10
    Veteran Member lwtex52's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    I'm a native Hostonian, but have lived in Dallas 20 years now. Graduated from Pasadena Dobie, in fact.

    My ex-wfe tells me that the place of my birth, Hermann Hospital, memorialized the occasion by opening up a birth-control clinic. I'm not sure, but she may have been dissin'.
    My latest conspiracy theory: I am convinced that Dick Cheney is, in reality, Elmer Fudd.

  11. #11
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Formal Introduction

    Well, welcome, formally, to SW!

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