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Thread: Adopting Kids....With a Past

  1. #1
    madmaxine
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    Adopting Kids....With a Past

    I'd really appreciate any help. A goal of mine is to adopt children when I have a home of my own and maybe even a husband, but I worry about having my past as a dancer used against me. I have never done hard drugs, never committed a felony, and can be a gainfully employed professional in a few years. But I know most states have strict/ archaic rules about adoption, such as no single parent households, no same sex unions, etc.
    I saw a segment on ABC's "20/20" about foster kids that made me want to cry- there is a term for foster children who are never adopted- "aged out" of the system. At 18 they are dumped into the world never having known a functional home or steady love. This makes me want to cry.
    Even though my home was broken and life was not perfect, I had a lot of things other kids didn't and I know that's why I'm OK today.
    Does anyone have advice or know of ex-dancers who have adopted without problems arising from their past work?

  2. #2
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    First off let me say that its cool to see you're interested in this.

    Second, without going into detail, I know the system very very well, and let me tell you, there are more kids out there than there are dancers :/ Its a very humbling experience to see four rooms of manilla folders with names on them and no parents. Some have number substitutions for names. Its hard, but in 99% of the cases, they look at you as an ability to raise a child, not what your jobs are. 10 years ago, it may have been an issue, now it shouldn't be much of one at all.

    I would say call around to your local adoption office. The only thing that can harm you imho, as a dancer, is lack of proof of STEADY income, and its all combined with what you can show on taxes. So I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't factor into it. However there is bigger better ways you can help, we around our area have volunteer houses where some of us own a multiple unit apartment and rent it out for insanly cheap to these organizations to house kids in, then donate our time to hang out with them, like you said, these kids get dumped at 18 sometimes with no experience of a caring nurturing relationship. All I am saying is if you can't adopt now due to your profession, there are other ways you can help till you can.


    Good Luck! Sorry for my yammering, I am tired!!

    ::Mast::
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  3. #3
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    Thank you for the info, Mast! I think it's great that you have been involved in helping these kids.
    I grew up around a lot of foster kids- they had sad stories about dumpster diving, child molester relatives, getting treated like slaves by foster parents....augh. By comparison, my complaints about wearing dorky clothes and my parents hating eachother sounded too lame to say.
    I know it seems corny in a world as vicious as this, but for 1 person to go out of their way to help someone who really needs help, it does make a difference- people cherish those memories to survive the hard times. Especially impressionable little kids.

  4. #4
    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    ((((Maxine)))))

    You're so wonderful for wanting to do this. From what I've seen of you, and from talking with you, I have no doubt in my mind that you will be perfectly capable to adopt a child with a not-so-easy; one whose life you will have an incredibly positive effect on.

    My younger brother & sister spent a few of their younger years in foster care, due to my mother's impairment (Bedridden with MS), and my Grandmother's age. Their experiences were not great at all. They spent maybe 3 or 4 months at one place (if that), and then on to the next. Finally, group homes and institutions until they were old enough (and mentally capable) to handle life on their own.

    I think the one of the hardest things that my brother faced while he was in a foster home was being left out of something that he was so incredibly excited about. His foster family had won a trip to Disneyland. The local paper did a story on them, and my brother was included in it. He also posed in a picture with the family wearing Mickey Mouse ears. A week before the trip, the parents called DCYFS and told them that they no longer wanted him, because he was a "problem child." In all reality, he wasn't that at all. He just wanted to belong. It was heartbreaking, and took him YEARS to get over.

    What Mast said is true. Years ago, a potential adoptive/foster parent's occupation would have mattered. Now, they just want to make sure that you have a stable, safe, and clean household with adequate room. They will also put you through a background check (for prior charges of abuse/neglect towards children, mainly), and they will also evaluate you to be sure that you are capable, which we already know you are. They just need to know that.

    For foster children, you will receive a monthly compensation for their needs (food, clothes, things like that). It's not much, but it does help out some.

    Once again, I admire you for looking into this. If you keep in mind that it won't be easy for a while once a child is placed with you, you'll do fine.

    ((((Hugs))))

  5. #5
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    Thank you Rhi, I was hoping you would be able to help me. I can't believe what your brother's foster family did to him. That is rotten.
    My family has experience with adopting extended family members (orphaned), but not strangers. I would like to take in siblings, since I feel siblings in troubled homes bond tightly and to split them up is almost worse than the foster placements.
    It gets worse for foster kids as they age- people are afraid to take in teenagers, or even be around them. So you have kids growing up not trusting anyone and feeling rejected by all.

  6. #6
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    I want to adopt too. My family also has experience in adopting b/c my mom thought she couldn't have kids before i came along.. Yes, i guess i was a gift and a mistake all at once.


    But anyway, i am curious about how my past dancing will effect this too. It would be a shame if it was affected negitively because i have a lot of love to give!

  7. #7
    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    Well, I adopted my nieces and nephew.
    I did run into problems mostly because of my age at the time and being single, not my career.
    The children lived with me for a while before I became their legal parent/guardian.
    There were numerous home inspections, I had to take parent classes and a few other things. I'll be more than glad to help answer any questions, so just pm me.
    I'm in California, so the laws and regulations might vary a bit from where you're living.

    Also, like Mast said your verifiable income plays a big role. If you can show that you're financially sound,you'll have a greater chance of adopting a child. For your own good you should look into the costs of raising a child, check out the schools in your area, are you going to do public/private ? How much will it cost to clothe and feed the child, heath care.
    Throughly check the costs out and make an educated choice.
    My new love...is me !

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  8. #8
    Featured Member MinahSky's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    I believe that if you are a foster parent first, it will be easier to adopt that child. Try it that way.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Do unto others as you would have them do to you...it's less work to be nice than it is to be evil!

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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    *Deni applauds MadMaxine*

    You are absolutely wonderful! I have such strong view on this, and Mox have had many semi-heated arguements about it (I would want to adopt, he wouldn't). I am so glad that there are loving, caring people like you in the world; I really hope you get this opportunity!

    Speaking of foster care (and some of the stories we've all heard), did anyone see an episode of Montel last week or so? It was about foster home abuse; these poor children were being beaten, molested, and neglected by their foster parents! It's so awful- no child should have to go through that.

    Good luck with everything, Maxine! I will be here cheering you on all the way!

  10. #10
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    Rhiannon,
    That thing about lack of unconditional love in foster families is so true. I was in foster care for a year after I got kicked out of my parents' house, and whenever things got difficult, they'd use the, "We don't have to keep you here," line. Likewise, my mom would threaten not to let me move back in. It's too easy to use that threat because the results are so immediate, and issues get swept under the run and later show up in the forms of anger and social problems. Almost every foster child I've know has had this line used on them at least once. Madmaxine, if you're going to be a foster parent, please try to give your child unconditional love and try to work things out rather than threaten to stop being their mother. Foster kids are too often treated like Paris Hilton's chihuahuas: taken in because they're cute and parents want to make somebody happy, but they toss them once things get big and obstinate. This is not to say that you should put up with a schizophrenic teen who's likely to stab you in your sleep, but you may very well be the kid's only source of love.

    Another thing about foster care and adoption: Psychiatric care and meds are on the state's dollar. It's another lazy way to sweep the problems under the rug. Instead of sending me to a good counselor who would listen to me and help me work out my angst, they called it bipolar and put me on lithium, Depakote, and Paxil all at once. Certain psychiatrists and counseling services are affiliated with child services since counseling is required with foster kids, so they'll make as much business as they can because they have the kids monopolized. Read: legalized drug pushing while having contract quotas with pharmaceutical companies. When I moved in with my aunt and uncle, they took me to a good psychologist who worked with me rather than lecture me, and took me to a psychiatrist who realized that I wasn't bipolar, just very pissed off.

    Madmaxine, you have a huge heart, and I'm so glad that you want to make a difference in someone's life. It won't be easy, but you'll definately be getting into heaven. Farrah, it warms my heart to see that someone else has done what my aunt and uncle did. I'm eternally grateful to my aunt and uncle.

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    God/dess Sirona's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    I was one of the kids aged out of the system.

    I just want to say that there are a LOT of really wonderful foster parents out there. The bad ones are unfortunately the only ones you ever hear about. I got shuffled around a ton over 4 years time but I never ran into one abusive home. I'm still close to one of the families I lived with. They specialize in the last ditch/problem kids(the ones on thier way to juvenile detention) especially teenaged girls. They've been at it for over 30 years now and have had amazing success rates.



  12. #12
    Sitri
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    Well, it looks like we are going to have to form the "I was a foster kid" group. Ditto here.
    If this is where your heart leads you find the local Children's home and volunteer.

    I volunteered for a Childrens Home event when I was in Tampa. Now I have moved and will be working with a Street School, or the local home for boys.

    TampaFLDancer, I will PM you on another opportunity.
    Last edited by Sitri; 01-17-2006 at 06:39 AM.

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    I also aged out of the system (well, I was only in it for a year, and then got emancipated as soon as I turned 16, so I don't know if that counts), and currently I volunteer as an advocate for kids that are in the system.

    It really depends on where you live, Maxine. Bigger cities are much easier than small towns, but in general if you are willing to adopt older children or sibling groups or disabled children no one's going to check you out too much. One suggestion would be to go through the county office, rather than one of the many agencies who also facilitate adoptions of dependent children. Those agencies will provide you with more services (counselling, groups for the kids, parenting groups, case management, bigger subsidy checks, etc.) but they also have stricter requirements for parents.

    Lena



  14. #14
    Cally
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    I was shuffled around foster homes for awhile as well... its hard and really can take a tole on you mentally. I ended up on my own by the time I was 15... all due to my step father. I think its great what you want to do and I hope you can go through with it. There is a need for more loving people in the system because most of the care takers have become very cold hearted and just really dont give a damn.
    I got lucky my step father was ordered to take anger management and I have since come to be on talking terms with my family again so even though I was on my own at 15 my family was able to help me out time to time. CPS was supposed to actually pay my rent(a thing they do here for some aged out children) but they 'forgot about me'. Yes the system is fucked. I wish you the best maxine.

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    Featured Member hannah83's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    First of all i want to say that i'm sooo happy there are people like you in the world Maxine!!! If I were you, i'd be contacting foster homes and adoption agencies around you. Just to see what you need to have in order to qualify so when you are ready both emotionally and financially...you will already know what to do.

    I didn't have much experience in the foster home, but i do remember that it was pretty much the only bright spot in my childhood. That's because my stepfather was abusive and when i was removed from that house i was placed into foster care for only about a month. Just long enough to go to court and be placed into my biological fathers care. When i think back on that time of my life, i don't focus on the pain...instead i remember all the hugs and the smiles. That family welcomed me into their homes with open arms which must have been difficult for them b/c i was so terrified of people.

    sorry for rambling!!!
    There's a wild side behind every innocent face.

    End violence against women.
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    Quote Originally Posted by Lena
    I also aged out of the system...r
    Reading your post, and those of others who were aged out, reminded me of something I once saw on either the evening news or one of the news shows such as "60 Minutes." A young woman, although she was just a few months past her 18th birthday, still wanted to be adopted by the childless couple who wanted to adopt her. When interviewed and asked why she wanted to be adopted, she said she wanted somewhere to go for Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays. But more importantly, to feel she was part of a family.

    To Madmaxine: Best wishes to you on succeeding with this!

  17. #17
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adopting Kids....With a Past

    MadMaxine: It's not easy adopting children through the government system...however, the most important thing you need to do is set good, clear boundaries and their resulting consequence if those boudaries are crossed. Don't hold back the love, but do have and enforce strong boundaries.

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