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Thread: Dear alcohol...

  1. #1
    God/dess A_Guy's Avatar
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    Default Dear alcohol...

    Dear Alcohol,

    First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

    Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

    4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.

    I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,

    Your biggest fan

    P.S.

    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Nope, no more beer for me.

    2. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

    3. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

    4. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
    Last edited by A_Guy; 09-08-2005 at 02:56 PM.

  2. #2
    God/dess A_Guy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    FYI - I didn't write this ... found it online somewhere from a source that I can't think of right now.

    Damn you alcohol and your brain cell killing effects.. DAMN YOU!!!!

  3. #3
    God/dess
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    Lol.

    Ahhhh... alcohol.

    1. I don't have the phone call problem. At least not yet.

    2. I can't eat when I'm drinking. I'm morbidly afraid a cheeto might ruin my buzz. (How sick is that!??)

    3. I walk into walls. Somehow I lose the ability to negotiate where doorways are.

    4. I can type better than any secretary when I'm drinking. I don't know how. But the wpm score just skyrockets.



    Because there ain't no tits on the radio

  4. #4
    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    Did A_Guy have another run in with a hot escort because of an alcohol-induced stupor?

    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

  5. #5
    God/dess A_Guy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    Quote Originally Posted by Casual Observer
    Did A_Guy have another run in with a hot escort because of an alcohol-induced stupor?

    no

  6. #6
    Crissychan
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    In reference to the phone calls....

    I had so much to drink one night I sat naked in the bath-tub on the phone yelling at my ex, the catch is I didn't know how to turn on the bath water.... my roommate felt it was safer to leave me in the empty bath-tub.


  7. #7
    Member LionHeart's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    LMFAO ! That was so funny and all too true !

  8. #8
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    Friend of mine passed out in a drunken stupor while taking a shower. No, no, he didn't drown. We found him an hour later, sleeping in the tub, the water harmlessly rinsing him off. Poor sucker was sick for an entire 24 hours following that.

  9. #9
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    I am drinking a rum & Coke and feeling glad I can't overdrink due to being part Native CentroAmerican (think of all the Resevation Indian jokes you've heard....yeaaah.)

    In small amounts, alcohol is a medicine. SMALL amounts.

  10. #10
    Featured Member hannah83's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear alcohol...

    LOL this is great. I know all about the phone calls. It's gotten to the point where i have a friend hide my phone from me before we start to drink/party.

    i can type really good when i'm drunk too, but i can do that really good sober, so i guess it's not a big deal.

    i can't say my name when i'm drunk. i just can't do it. that's why we shortened it down to a nickname so i can say it.
    There's a wild side behind every innocent face.

    End violence against women.
    I support Dottie.


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