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Thread: Painful Sex

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    Default Painful Sex

    This is a question for any men or women on here, though I suspect the women may be more helpful.

    I'm going to start with a preface. When I ask my guy friends about this problem, they usually have a sarcastic "must be rough" attitude and totally disregard this as being a very real problem. That being said...

    My girlfriend and I have had a long-standing problem with my size. I'm certainly not a bull moose, but well above average would probably be a reasonable description. While most guys seem to think that this is nothing shy of the greatest blessing, in reality it seems to be every bit as much a curse. Sex with my GF always ends with the phrase (or its equivelent) "honey, its starting to hurt". As a result, sex very rarely goes past 30 - 45 minutes. Having sex for hours is simply not even an option. I would have a better chance of being hit by a meteor. Not only that, but if we DO go for say, 45 minutes, she is sore for like two or three days! Thus, the maximum amount of sex I can ever expect is an aggregate of 45 minutes over three days. A more realistic figure would be 45 minutes a WEEK because she doesn't want to be walking around work bow-legged the next day. So, if she has to work the next day, guess what, none for me! And, to make an already bad situation worse, what I'll call "jackhammer" sex is veeeeery limited (penis = car, cervix = brick wall, GF = intensive care unit).

    To sum up the above, I get 45 total minutes of moderately-paced sex, every week.
    I simply can't live with that. It has become a MAJOR issue. Everything else in the relationship is fine and it seems so shallow to make this issue a deal breaker, but I'm really starting to resent it (even though it really isn't her fault).

    KY jelly has been some help, but it is far from a miracle cure. ANY suggestions would be appreciated beyond belief.

    Thanks in advance for your consideration of this matter.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    "Must be rough" J/K

    First, I would say that it's not shallow to make sex a deal breaker. If you are not sexually "compatible", that's a big deal...there's nothing worse than being in a long term relationship and being sexually frustrated 90% of the time.

    That being said, I have to say that it sounds like you are having INTERCOURSE for way too long. I mean, are you going this long because she's not orgasming? Or what is going on there? She may need a lot more forplay. And, to be honest with you...any kind of intercourse that lasts for more than 30 minutes is just going to frustrate me. I mean, there is only so long I can go before I start to feel like I am masturbating with a vibrator covered in sandpaper.

    Do you guys have enough forplay? Maybe make good forplay/oral sex and then top it all off with intercourse. Or get that cool body wedge for some more positions...it could be that the position isn't exactly right and the same position with the hammering is just not feeling good.

    Of course, there could always be the psychological issue with her. She may be uncomfortable about having sex on some level and it's preventing her from relaxing and truly enjoying the experience.

    Hope that helps a little.

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Venus - She does orgasm, I'd say on average twice.

    Foreplay, I would say, is about average. Honestly, the prospect of what I consider to be average at best sex doesn't really motivate me all too much. Furthermore, if she orgasms during foreplay, that wears her out all the faster. So if I get her off in foreplay, I can usually expect 20 minutes of maximum sex.

    Your comment about 30 minutes or more of intercourse is extremly distressing. I've been with women in that past that would go four a couple of hours at least. I am honestly scared to death to think that those women might be very few and very far between. In other words, I hope very much that you don't speak for the majority of women in preferring < or = to 30 minutes.

    I have never considered "the wedge"! When in doubt, incorporate an apparatus!

    It has been about a half-hour or so since my first post and I'm starting to get pissed off at my GF after thinking about it for that period of time. Seriously, this night is shot now as far as we're concerned. This really is a HUGE problem. Any more suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Venus - I forgot to mention that I was glad to see your comment about this not being a shallow issue. I've kind of been feeling guilty for the high degree of importance I've been putting on this.

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    God/dess Polekitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Ok, first of all remember that this is not just your problem. Women like sex just as much as men and Im sure shes feeling equally as frustrated with not having as full a sex life as you both would like. Try and be sympathetic (which Im sure you already are, but just incase!) If she feels inferior or insecure this will only make matters worse as she will be tense and close up even more making things more difficult and even more uncomfortable.

    Second of all, womens sex organs arent just made for sex, theyre also made for pushing babies out, and if a whole baby can fit through there, Im sure your penis will will too. The vaginal passage grows in lenght and width during arousal, so basicly, the more turned on she is, the more likely it is that you will fit inside her.

    Thirdly, sex isnt just about the actual act of "sex." Maybe you guys should spend some time exploring other areas. Im not suggesting you give up on having sex, it just sounds like this is becoming a big issue for you guys and maybe you should try and relax about it a bit and concentrate on all the other good stuff there is to do. Women are much more sensitive than men when it comes to sex and if you can alredy feel the issue looming before youve even begun shes gonna be feeling tense and stressed out just thinking about having sex. Think of things you can do so that your both comfortable and relaxed. This problem wont just go away by itself, your both gonna have to put alot of effort in. Maybe spend a night massaging each other for example, or spend an hour just kissing and caressing each other before you even think about sex. Remember that the more aroused she is the more she will expand inside you you could spend sometime pleasing her and exploring new ways to turn her on.

    Ive been faced with the same problem in the past (my ex byf was also very well endowed, and to make matters worse, he was 6'4 and Im only scraping 5'5) and I can really understand that its a big problem but dont worry, its just gonna take some patience and perseveerance(sp!) we got past this problem in the end and Im sure you can too. Also, try experamenting with different positions, doggy style for example is probably not thebest bet as it can push too deeply, maybe try with her on top so that she can control how deeply you go and what feels comfortable for her.

    Hope this helps a bit, good luck and have fun trying!!



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    Veteran Member HoneyHITZ's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    I have to agree with everything venus said-- after 30 minutes, i seriously get bored... i couldnt go much longer, i dont think...

    and amadeus, i dont think you're shallow for thinking that, but you might not have great luck at finding a girl who can honestly go for hours... i know i couldnt, lol


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    God/dess Polekitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    I dont think its unreasonable to occasionally expect marthon long sex sessions, esp, in the first throws of a relationship. What is unreasonable is to expect sex to be like this every time. Are your expectations too high??



    "I don't take a piss without getting paid for it." - Harlan Ellison

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    Quote Originally Posted by pixierocksonthepole View Post
    "tampons are proof that God exsists."

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Quote Originally Posted by amadeus_x
    Venus - She does orgasm, I'd say on average twice.

    Foreplay, I would say, is about average. Honestly, the prospect of what I consider to be average at best sex doesn't really motivate me all too much. Furthermore, if she orgasms during foreplay, that wears her out all the faster. So if I get her off in foreplay, I can usually expect 20 minutes of maximum sex.

    Your comment about 30 minutes or more of intercourse is extremly distressing. I've been with women in that past that would go four a couple of hours at least. I am honestly scared to death to think that those women might be very few and very far between. In other words, I hope very much that you don't speak for the majority of women in preferring < or = to 30 minutes.
    Well...what I meant is that if I haven't orgasmed within the 30 minutes...then it just gets boring, frustrating, and starts hurting (the orgasm helps the juices flow). I wasn't sure if she had orgasmed in that time or what...sorry for the misunderstanding. I also don't go for hours (although I used to) but that could also be because I have a 3 year old in the next room who seems to be determined that mommy and daddy don't have another baby...

    I have never considered "the wedge"! When in doubt, incorporate an apparatus!
    Oh, there are so many great things you can do with a wedge...or a swing...

    It has been about a half-hour or so since my first post and I'm starting to get pissed off at my GF after thinking about it for that period of time. Seriously, this night is shot now as far as we're concerned. This really is a HUGE problem. Any more suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
    Well, getting pissed off does not help matters. Honestly, I'm starting to think that it's more of a psychological issue with her. She's tensed up about something, and when a woman gets tensed up, so does the vaginal walls (which makes sex very uncomfortable). But, if it truly IS a physical thing...maybe try forplay...intercourse...forplay...intercourse. Break it up a bit and give her a break and see if that works. Other than that...the only thing I can say is really try different positions. Especially if you're a big guy and she's a tiny girl (like you're 6'5 and she's 5'1). You know...that could have a lot to do with it.

    If at first you don't succeed...try, try again. And, we may be adults, but it's still fun with toys.

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Polekitten - I've tried to be as sensitive to the matter as possible. I've stayed at her place many nights and not even mentioned sex. Just cuddled and slept.

    I know (as best as I can) that she is aroused. Its like a swimming pool down there sometimes. I have always been a proponant of communication, therefore, she is perfectly comfortable telling me what works and what doesn't (and she DOES tell me).

    (As a related note, I have found a willingness to be critiqued to be the single best learning tool possible. Little do my GFs know how indebted to my ex-girlfriends they are! - Upon re-reading that, it may appear as though I'm saying that I have more than one GF at a time. That isn't what I meant.)

    Really though, I have tried great foreplay - as a matter of fact, she is often the one who initiates intercouse. I have tried romance. I've tried being the sweetest guy I can be. It has reached a point though where all I do is give, give, give and nothing changes!

    Maybe I'm just jaded, pissed-off or resentful, but I'm starting to think that you HAVE to have sex with someone BEFORE you agree to be in a relationship with them. That seems so damned backwards, but what else can you do?!

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Venus - Thanks a ton for discussing this with me. Its kind of like a support group. I owe ya one.

    You were actually pretty close on our bodies - I'm 6'3" (an HONEST 6'3" not a "rounding up by 3 inches like most guys do" 6'3") and she's about 5'2".

    The positions thing is a good idea, but I really haven't found one that works. Oh, in addition to being a "long-haul" lover, I also like a great deal of variety in terms of positions.

    Is there some sort of female numbing agent that I could buy, like a chloraseptic or something?

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Venus says: "If at first you don't succeed...try, try again. And, we may be adults, but it's still fun with toys. "

    ..."So you think you took my toys away -
    Well I've got one that you don't know about
    and I'll Watch the Cradle Fall"

    - From "Watch the Cradle Fall" on the upcoming release "Lucid Interval" by my
    band.

    Well said Venus. Well said. *deep bow*

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Hmm, this is a toughie. Maybe Venus is right and its something psychological. It sounds like you have a really high sex drive, maybe hers is not as high as yours and your just incompatable in this respect. Have you talked to her about it? Maybe shes unaware of how frustrated you are and thinks everythings fine??



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    Quote Originally Posted by pixierocksonthepole View Post
    "tampons are proof that God exsists."

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    first of all, ky jelly is useless for anything beyond taking a cat's temperature or an emergency substitute for hair gel. get some better quality lubes to experiment with. i recommend wet platinum silicone lube and liquid silk, but there are a million others and preferences are very individual- get some sampler packs.
    second of all, vary your positions, not only with basic variations such as missionary vs. doggy style, but with subtle variations, such as holding your hips father back so that you don't enter as deeply. if she is on the bottom, she can lube up several of her fingers and hold them in a circle around her vaginal opening, in effect extending the vaginal canal. woman on top is better to acheive g-spot stimulation, but it will probably push you further into her cervix. try missonary, side to side, spoons, and standing up, with her against the wall or bent over something.
    if girth is the problem, and not length, the only thing you can do to improve her receptiveness is foreplay. and there are ways to tease her without allowing her to orgasm. try gradually introducing lager dildos, or more and more fingers, to widen her canal.
    and numbing lotions? yes, they're out there. but honey, that's really a bit selfish of you. you're worried so much about not getting enough pleasure for yourself that you're willing to have her forgo it? if you were my bf, that would be a dealbreaker- i'd leave you high and dry. remember, sex isn't all about you, and it's certainly not all about sticking your penis somewhere. concentrate on pampering her, giving her pleasure, and finding new ways to experience orgasm. this can either be the start of a great sexual odyssey, or the end of your sex life. you pick.
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  14. #14
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    there are also a TON of female probs that can make sex painful to say the very least.

    and I second that notion about KY being useless as hell.

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    jonniejasmine
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    i think that the problem sounds like stress.....I am getting stressed just reading about how you are doing everything and being so patient but hen you are getting so frustrated. How many times do you just sit back and wait for her to make the move? How many times do you sit back and let her wake you up with a BJ? I mean it sounds like you are trying everything, but maybe youa re trying too hard. I have to be turned on mentally before I can rock my babes world and then it may be a half hour of pig sex or it may be an off and on all nighter. But if he expects it, or does his I make this move so you make that move then I do get frustrated. I like sex to feel like I want it not like I am expected to do this just b/c I am with this guy. And I am another girl who only runs the marathon on occasion; usually I am thinking ok get it so I can go to sleep or hurry before I change my mind...LOL.....but I have additional stress, and am probably psychological......but anyways that is just me and my input , hope it helps,

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    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    I'm extremely, amazingly satisfied in my love life.

    Sex, for me, lasts anywhere between 40 minutes and 2 hours when we're not in a hurry. However, the intercourse part of the sex act usually takes only 5-15 min.

    Why? Because I don't have an active G-spot. Two thirds of women don't. Most of my nerve endings are in the clit. So I tend to require on-and-off clitoral stimulation for at *least* fifteen minutes and that's if we're rushing, before penetration can get me off. (I'm also singly orgasmic, not that this bothers me. If it's good enough for HIM . . .)

    And I think if intercouse occurred for more than twenty minutes in most cases I'd have trouble. My nerves would just go "ugh, we give up" and I wouldn't get off.

    So the key to a good sex life with me is lots and lots of foreplay. I'm usually the active partner in the foreplay: I rub up against my partner and turn them on, tease them heavily, and in general make sure we're both really happy and excited prior to intercourse so that I can come and everyone's happy.

    The pattern VenusGoddess suggests (foreplay/intercourse/foreplay/intercourse) sounds like a good idea. So does changing positions or just trying a different position (woman on top?) and I agree with the silicone lube comment! That stuff STAYS wet. (Even when you try to clean it off in the shower. ;P)

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    i hate to sound rude but.....

    Sex does mean a lot in a relationship ... I think that's what makes it a "relationship"

    otherwise it's a friendship with cuddling. Hell i can do that with my gay guy friends and it fills that "boyfriend" need void.

    If you arent happy i'd say move on. There is only so much you can do.

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    God/dess Polekitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    I also dont mean to sound rude but it sounds like your using some sort of barganing method in your mind, ie. I cuddled for two hrs, therefore Im entitled to x amount of sex, Im taking her away for the weekend, therefore Im entitled to y amount of sex. This really isnt how it should be, do you really expect you g/f to just lie there and take a hammereing for as long as you need eventhough shes exhausted thinking "well he did spend 5 bucks on a movie so I suppose he deserves it." Again Im sorry to sound rude but maybe your being a little bit too demanding, sex is about two people (thats you and your g/f btw, not you and your dick)



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    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    At that point, it doesn't sound like a physical problem, but more like that the chemistry is not there.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    How long have you two been together, again?

    I have to say...it IS a psychological problem with her. And, that problem is she's picking up on your "I did this, so I deserve this" statements you are expressing here. She may be starting to rebel against YOUR whole idea of sex. It seems that you think that if you do anything for her, then you deserve sex all the time. Honestly...I dated a guy just like that...and while it was fun getting stuff all the time...I felt like I was his own personal fuck toy or prostitute. No one likes to feel that way in their relationship. No one likes to feel that the only reason they get "perks" is because the SO is expecting sex later.

    The psychological problem is also yours. You seem to feel that she "owes" you this sex. Maybe it's time to do some soul-searching and figuring out why you think you are so entitled to getting it all the time when you want it. It's true that it's not selfish to have a high sex drive and have that opposite sex drive be a good reason to be a deal breaker...but even if you STARTED dating someone who had the same sex drive and you kept making them feel like it's an obligation...I would bet you $1000 that they would begin losing interest in expressing that high sex drive with you.

    Methinks that it's time for you to really LISTEN to your girlfriend. Ask her what she likes and doesn't like about your relationship/sex life. And, listen to what she says. Watch her body language. The more you are typing here about this problem...the more it seems a psychological tug of war between the both of you.

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    WOW have I been unclear!

    I would be simply out of my mind if I expected sex in exchange for my behavior all the time.

    Seriously, it has now been nine days since we last had sex. I'm 25 years old. Am I wrong to be concerned here?

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Venus - By the way, we've been together for about two years and a half.

    Sex three times since September 1. You're right, this is a psychological issue. We've talked about this being a problem before but maybe she hasn't been honest. I'm tired of caring.

    I'm probably going to leave her.

    Thanks for listening to me piss and moan.

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Amadeus, it seems unfortunate to bail on a 2.5 year relationship before you two have even talked about the psychological issues. I agree with VG and the others that the tension and frustration in your posts is almost palatable. This alone may be driving you farther apart than anything related to the physical sex.

    I'm also really confused by her complaint and when it occurs, e.g. 30 minutes into intercourse. Pain at that point is almost always a lubrication issue, and not one about overwhelming size alone. (Your comment on her cervix being a brick wall suggests to me that length, not girth, is the problem. Right?) Either way, if size alone is the problem, it usually hurts much earlier.

    How happy would you be to focus entirely on oral or digital or other intensive foreplay for a while and not worry about intercourse? It would take the intercourse pressure off both of you and you might have some fun experimenting. You can also learn a lot about her body and her response without distraction, and that will give you the proximity and the time to observe her lubrication cycle up close. Also, if you drive her over the top repeatedly, over several hours, with your tongue or a few of your fingers, it has a way of opening up very frank, honest and intense conversation.

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    Maybe I'm just jaded, pissed-off or resentful, but I'm starting to think that you HAVE to have sex with someone BEFORE you agree to be in a relationship with them.
    Not a terrible strategy actually...
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

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    Default Re: Painful Sex

    I'm aware that it's none of my business but it seems to me like throwing away a relationship that's lasted for a couple of years and is otherwise good because of something like sex just seems a bit messed up. At least let her know why you're leaving her and give her a chance to fix it (if she wants to, instead of finding a guy that's more sensitive to her needs) instead of just one day ditching her and not even letting her know why.

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