Hi guys,
I’m new to this board, so I hope this post is in the right forum and not offensive. Like the heading says I recently married someone who used to dance and I’m having some questions.
A little history; she danced at a club that was cabriolet (?sp) style club (costumes, topless, no table, pole, or lap dances allowed, no splits, and formal evening wear when not on stage.) from 18 until she was 20 (She’s just over 40 now). During that time she started working as a Fem-Dom (Dom-fem ? BDSM) on the side with a friend from the club she worked. She says she liked it because she was able to earn money without touching anybody or anybody touching her (as she put it, “It kept me ‘clean’ in a sense.”) It was at the club she met her first husband. Prior to that she had a few relationships that were abusive or the guys cheated on her. From the time she got married (when she was 20 years old) until he recently died, she spent the last 20 years as mother, wife, homemaker. Never cheated on him nor had any further interest in dancing. Although she tells me her husband was a good provider but very distant, and bearly noticed she was around. He was heavy into porn and they would watch together. (I asked if it bothered her and she said no because she knew they were paid to entertain her). From what she says, her father also was a hard ass and was very cruel to her and her mother (Not sexual, just a nasty and mean). She was widowed for a few years and continued to raise her children alone until we met.
Me; I was raise in a typical white bread house. Mom and dad loved each other deeply and they were there for me. Sex wasn’t dirty, it just wasn’t ever talked about. At 18 I used to go to clubs every then and again. At that age I was thinking (or more realistically hoping), that all dancers were sex addicts and that maybe someday I’d get lucky with one. Sorry, but at 18 that’s how my mind worked, and for the next 25 years that’s what I thought. Anyway, I got married at 24 to some one who also was raise in a very stable, plain vanilla household (She was a college student, not a dancer). We started to raise our kids in typical suburban bliss until she died. Sex was pretty basic and only on occasion. I never cheated, didn’t flirt with other women, didn’t go to any clubs after marriage, just a regular guy.
So my new wife has seen and done things that to me were only part of a fantasy world unknown to me. What’s confusing me, scaring me, and has me all mixed up is that she is very comfortable with sex, her body, and how she talks about it, very straightforward about her body and mine. When we are alone, she’ll talk about how she needs “some cock” (Never says my cock, just “some cock”), about how her “pussy” has an itch, yet it’s somehow very mechanical in tone when she does. But when we have sex it’s like she’s having great sex and I’m just there. She seems to be experiencing it to the fullest, whereas I feel like she has the feeling I can get whatever I can while I’m there, but that’s up to me. She doesn’t touch me other than to pull me in deeper. It’s starting to bother me, because I don’t want to feel like I’m just using her (You know, I got mine you get yours.)
Sometimes she’ll start to do a dance (grind? Swaying her hips and sticking her butt out, or drop to a squat and slowly rise up), but then she’ll start to giggle or laugh. I asked her once why she was laughing (I didn’t know if she was laughing because she knew that it turned guys on to see that. I started to think she was playing me, like I was just another customer or something) but she said she was laughing because of the shape her old body was in. But that got me thinking, was she dancing for me, to turn me on, or was she just doing “what guys like”? As in, she wasn’t doing it for me the person, but she was doing it because she knows the affect on males to see such things [ A side note: It’s hard for a guy to stay aroused when the girl is laughing at what’s going on]
So, does being a dancer, seeing the things you do, meeting all types of guys at the clubs (from the nicest to the creepiest), does that somehow put up a wall between you and all men? Does it make a dancer see all men as “things”, creatures if you will? Does the life experiences as a dancer forever put that distance, or doubt, between you and all men, or do you think it’s just the men that she’s met, or been with, that has caused her to be somewhat detached in the area of sharing sex vs having sex. Or do you think it’s me? Maybe I’m the one not seeing things right. Maybe knowing her past is causing a mental conflict in me. There she is, a bit crass at times, and I’m thinking all kinds of slutty sex is about to take place, but instead there is a woman who is mother, friend, and wife who enjoys sex but doesn’t want to take it to the point of some of what she’s seen and maybe I wish she would?
If you think it’s me, tell me. If you think it’s from dancing and her Fem-dom days, what do I do? I can’t really go to her and say “honey, touch me while we’re having sex or I’ll think you are just using me” or “love, forget all the crap you went through. You can trust that I love you and will not hurt you” Do you think it’s a question of time between she and I? Could it be that she’s trying to start a new life, in “typical suburban bliss”, where the guy is not a complete ass, and I need to give it time? We’ve been together about a year now. Am I not seeing things right? Is there something that I need to understand about what happens inside a person when a person has danced. Am I being a jerk to even ask? We get along great outside the bedroom, and even there it’s pretty good (nothing has been off limits so far) except for this feeling I have that she is keeping some distance or barrier between she and me. I love her deeply and want to build my future with her, share my life with her, grow old with her, I’m saddened by what she has gone through (Maybe I shouldn’t be sad, maybe that’s the problem), but I’ve hit this strange stumbling block and I’m at a loss.
Anyway, any thoughts (good, bad, or otherwise) or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. And if I’ve offended, I am sorry, but tell me how it offended, maybe there could be my answer.
Again thanks.



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~ my very own pole dancer!

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