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Thread: Here's a dilemma for you...

  1. #1
    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default Here's a dilemma for you...

    I was adopted by my aunt when I was about 2-3 b/c my biological mom was a drug addict. I've never known my biological father.....my 'uncle' has always been a father to me, since before he ever even married my mom (aunt). I have always considered them to be my parents and have always considered their kids to be my brothers and sisters. My gram owns a little restaurant in a pretty close-knit neighborhood in Chicago, which is also where i live. I've always known that my 'dad' lives over here, but I've never really investigated anything before (i.e. who he is and where he lives, although I know his name). Well, apparently my 'dad' has been coming into the restaurant expressing interest in seeing me. I also just found out now that I have a cousin who is my age who lives a few blocks away that was at the bar with my gram and he said "Hey you're (name) from (restaurant)! My uncle had a kid with your daughter" and they started talking. (my gram is very young at heart and in age, she is only 62 and still parties a little!!).

    Anyway, I was just given his phone number and found out he also lives a few blocks from me and wants me to meet my 'sisters' who are 16 and 17. Why, after 25 years, does he care now? I'm not hurt or anything, b/c things turned out really good for me, but I'm confused. I want to call, b/c I am curious to meet these people. We've probably all passed each other on the street and in stores a million times.

    Anyone have any advice about what to do or say??






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  2. #2
    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    I say give him a call. If nothing comes of it, at least you'll have a sort of "closure". Has he always known about you? What have your Grandmother, Aunt, and Uncle said about it? Have they told you if they thinks it's a good idea?

    You have nothing to lose in giving him a call. You've got a good life now (congrats!), and I'm sure that he knows that you don't need him to be where you are now.

    I'm sorry about your mother. It must've been very difficult for you. What's become of her?

    Good luck in whatever you choose to do. We're here, so update us!

  3. #3
    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Well I talk to my biological mom all the time now. for a long time (until I was 16-ish) she was still strung out on coke, crack, etc. She's cleaned herself up nicely and is part of our family again. It hurts her that I don't call her mom, but she was never a mom to me. She's a good person though and I realize that her addictions are what made her not care. I have no hard feelings, b/c my life was better b/c of it.

    My mom and dad (that raised me) feel that I am an adult and can decide on my own what I want to do. I have yet to talk to my dad about it one-on-one. Before i call my biological dad, I want to make sure to talk to my father about it. he raised me and I want him to know that he will ALWAYS be my ''real'' father in my head and in my heart, even if not by blood.

    I mean, I am curious about these people....but what do I say to him / them? How do I act?

    oh and he has always known about me. He left my mom after he got her pregnant. His fam has always known my fam b/c his parents used to get hand-me-down clothing from my great-grandparents. They all knew each other from the neighborhood and were friendly. After he left my mom he would still see my family. When I was 13-15 I used to work at the restaurant on weekends, and he would come in, but never tell me. My family didn't know if I was 'ready' for that introduction (they were right) and he never showed any interest. But he always knew it was me.






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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Wow. Imagine how hard it must have been for him. To have a relationship destroyed by coke and then have your daughter right there in plain sight being held in check by other family members.

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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Sometimes people don't want or can't deal with the pressure of raising a kid, so they shirk the responsibility. They may or may not feel guilty - I'm guessing many do. Then when the kid is all grown up and no longer needs to be raised the long lost parent suddenly starts expressing all this interest, as if they couldn't have done so long before.

    I have a somewhat similar story and I never could get over the fact it took soooo long for my mother to come back around. Like she just couldn't deal with me until I was older. It doesn't cut it for me. I wouldn't call him. He probably feels guilty and wants you to forgive him so he can feel better - I'd let him stew. It's not your job to make the guy feel better - he could have tried to be a father or make contact much sooner.

    I guess I don't feel sorry for you since you have had a good family anyway. It does suck to think your parent(s) might not have cared but those aren't really parents are they? Your real parents obviously love you and that's what matters.

    Good luck whatever you decide.

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  6. #6
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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hello_Kitty27
    Why, after 25 years, does he care now?

    Anyone have any advice about what to do or say??
    He cares now because he's not going to live forever. Sometimes that doesn't dawn on you for a while.

    You are also old enough to understand and handle it now. If you want to.

    What do you want to do? Are you just curious? Any strong feelings about him (or what he did) one way or the other?

    Raising a child is the single hardest thing we do. What's amazing to me is that more people don't run screaming in the other direction.

    I'm in the same position you are. I've never met my biological father. He's legendary in the family, though. A calculating, brilliant, dark, intense Michael Corleone from the Chicago families. Oh, and with a thing for a rebellious, hotblooded redhed who ran away from a controlling father in the Secret Service and the rest of the national security apparatus. My mother tells me that I don't need to look far for him because I see him every day in the mirror.

    He left her before I was even born.

    The problem for me is that I can't look him up. This intensely intellectual bad-boy lives at the very center of my being, trust me. This I know. But I've chosen a different road, and that road (the national security apparatus, remember that?) says my road cannot cross his. So I will never know.

    Please think first about why you want to meet him. If it's just curiosity or mild interest, it certainly can't hurt. If you want a relationship with him, though, it may be helpful to plan to let him off the hook at the start.

    I think I will go have a drink now.

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    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Deogol, please don't misunderstand me. my family never 'held me in check' or hid anything from me to spite him. There is a LOT more to everything that I didn't have time or space to write, I tried to boil it down to the nitty gritty. Believe me, there was nothing hard for him, at least not to the degree you are saying. When my mom adopted me, she sent him the papers and he never even acknowledged them, but he signed the certified mail receipt.

    Also, for example: I did call him when I was 20 (he knowingly gave his number to a mutual acquaintance from the neighborhood) and when I called at the arranged time, he hung up on me. I thought maybe it was an accident, so I called back....no answer. So I moved on, b/c it wasn't a big deal, just curiousity. Guess that would have been an important bit of info too. Like I said, there's a TON of stuff that has gone on.

    Anywho, I have no feelings for him at all, bad or good. I was/am curious to see what he looks like, what his kids look like, family background, etc. If it turns into a friendship, cool...if not, cool. It really doesn't bother me either way in that respect.

    My problem is I don't know how to initiate the conversation. I don't want to give the impression that he's off scott-free, I don't want to be rude and act like I could give a shit and I don't want to be ignorant and make him feel like shit about anything. I don't know .... I really don't know if I should be having some kind of emotion about this or what.

    And ... by the way, he did the drugs with my mom, but at that time it was mostly pot. She moved onto harder drugs b/c he left her. He left her b/c she was pregnant, not b/c she was on drugs.
    Last edited by Hello_Kitty27; 10-14-2005 at 10:20 PM.






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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Oh gosh, I would call and see him just for the curiousity of it all. Then again, I'm not a vengeful person. We can't choose our family. You seem to have gotten a more fortunate arrangement. I would call.

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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Just remember he's the person whose only contribution to your persona is biology, not anything that took any effort on his part. So if you don't expect anything additional from him, then you're probably psychologically okay to meet him in order to satisfy your curiousity. Not that this is your motive, but... If your desire is to punish him, then you have to figure out which has the most impact - ignoring him or meeting him and telling him off.

    Of course, he's only one member of that branch of your family. Is it possible there's some other family member out there who hasn't had a chance to know you, through no fault of their own, and who would be a wonderful person to develop a family relationship with? Perhaps you suspect there is or hope there is. Or perhaps you have no idea or don't care. Something to think about.

    -Ev

  10. #10
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Just say hi to them.

    I have relatives I don't wish to know because they hurt my mom & aunt. I love my step-family more!

    Good luck.

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    Default Re: Here's a dilemma for you...

    Nobody can tell you whether you "should" have any particular feelings or how you "should "act. I would jsut sort of play it by ear. You never know what could be going on in his world, or like Ev said, who you might be realted to that turns out to be a really cool person.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes!


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