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Thread: Depressed and Broke

  1. #1
    AudreyLeigh
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    Default Depressed and Broke

    So... started off great - sold everything I own (car, furniture, stuff)... paid off all money owed to friends/family and filed Ch7 BK. I now have $0 in debt to anyone, anywhere. I also have $100 to my name...some clothes, photos, and personal items.

    I moved to Hawaii to go to school and dance part-time to pay for school and stuff. The plan was great... it was set. It didnt work out. I HATE Hawaii. I hate the clubs here. I hate the humidity. I hate the racism here. I hate the 6 people in a 800 sq ft house. I hate that the school is 16 months where in CA its only 10. Im flying back to California in 11 days.

    Ill be staying with my on again off again boyfriend when I get back. I have nothing... I have a new plan but its just so depressing when I think about it because nothing EVER EVER freaking works out for me.

    The NEW plan is to stay with Ryan and drive his truck to Sacramento (over an hour each way) to work and save money for a car. I have 2 months to do that. School starts on January 17th. School is $7500. I THINK they have federal financing available.... Im hoping they do at least. Ill find out in 2 weeks. If this school doesnt Ill end up at a different school that is 90 minutes away and is almost $20K...they do have financing.

    Ryan said hes willing to move down by my school (the closer school, by my work) so I can go and not have to drive to far. I dont really want to worry about household finances while in school 40 hours a week. He said hell take care of it... then I feel like Ill be a huge burden and I know I HAVE to bring in my own money... I cant just live off someone... its not in me.

    Is this just pathetically sad or what? Im practically homeless... OMG... what the HELL did I get myself into? Im at the point where I dont even want to get out of bed because the days go too slow... I look at the clock and count the hours until I go to bed and then the cycle starts again. Its to the point where I dont even want to leave my bedroom let alone the house but then again I dont want to be AT THIS HOUSE. Now Im just waiting for the next 11 days to go by to get back to california. Hopefully everything will be better when I get to california. but if i didnt leave california i would be depressed because i owe people money and have collectors calling me.

    Hopefully when I move back everything works out... its like a fresh start... or at least i keep telling myself that... im glad i did what i did but its just so hard. I dont want to go back to dancing but at this point i need to to get a car. im definately not dancing again in hawaii thats for sure... just gotta wait out these next 11 days...

    Kinda wish I could go back to age 12 when i told my mom "I dont wanna be a good girl anymore, I want to be a bad girl" and never to have said that. To have stayed in school and gone off to college like I planned. Oh well... time for a new beginning.

    And after re-reading this I think I need some serious councling... which means I need Health Insurance which means i need FREAKING MONEY... damn vicious cycle. Im gonna go buy a lotto ticket.

  2. #2
    242_fair
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Hi Audrey

    I'm sorry that you are so depressed right now. But what happened with your club there - I thought you made a grand the first night?? Did something happen that makes you feel like Hawaii is ruined for dancing?

    And what's making you want to leave your family's house so soon?

    I know you had high hopes a few weeks ago about heading out there. What changed?

    As for the rest of your post, you mention that it will be better when you get to Cali. Sometimes I say this kind of stuff too; it will be so much better when I change schools, it will be so much better when I find a new club, so much better when I move to a new town. Guess what? Moving to a new place almost never solves a person's problems. It is called a 'situational fix', and it does not fix anything - moving to a new place.

    Now, as for needing a job and needing money and therefor needing to strip, pretty much anyone on sw can tell you that there will ALWAYS be something you need money for, and if you try to quit stripping based on finding a time when you DON"T need money, well, there will NEVER be a time like that and you will dance forever.

    As for living with the guy, is this the guy who works as a porn producer? If you are trying to put some distance between you and the industry you clearly feel took everything and left you with nothing... how can you be in a porn-centred environment like that?

    My heart really goes out to you because I think you truly are lost at the moment.

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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Ya know I think at least now its great you are out of debt! Thats freakin awesome I think. Thats at least something positive. Im really sorry HI went belly up for ya. Hey at least you went out on a limb and tried not alot of people can do that. So what if something didnt turn out great? Happens all the time in life...youre still hot, healthy and conscious whats keeps your from going for it again?

    Dont let yourself slip in the cycle of being inside and being super depressed. It can get to ya. I suggest to get out and at least get some sun. Slather on the spf and just lay out in the sun. Really having real sunlight for your body is actually uplifting.

    Itll just be tough until you can stand on your feet. You know how to hustle ..so put your best foot forward there. I know its in you. Or even just lie to yourself until its over or at least until you can rest a second.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    ((((Audrey))))

    I'm glad that you're debt-free now too! That's a major load off, I bet. I've actually heard a lot of not-so-nice things about Hawaii in the past (Racism being one of the biggest). It used to be a place I wanted to visit. After hearing all I've heard, I'll pass.

    It's all going to even out for you, as long as you're working towards that. Don't slip into a bad place where you can't pull yourself out from.

    Thoughts are with you.


  5. #5
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    As long as we're talking about non-racist tropical island alternatives to Hawaii, hit the US-Euro. Carribean islands (like St Barts or the Virgin Islands.) I know all about the "haole" thing.

    Audrey, I live in your neck of the woods so my advice has to do with finding a straight part-time job because the dance money here will never improve in our lifetimes....a normal P/T time job will help you get back into a normal routine. Soon, you'll be sitting home on the weekend folding laundry and too tired to go out and party LOL.
    I am paying down some debt so I can return to school, and the best thing to do is to remind yourself everyday of the bigger picture...as problems and delays can make you lose hope of meeting a goal and get derailed.
    This is a not-fun exercise, but it will help- start writing everything down, and tracking spending. The Motley Fool has some great savings and investment tips for people who are too distracted for economic discipline.....it's a website and a book series.
    PS For the depression, the sunlight exposure works, (and also I used Saint John's Wort supplement, but beware of sun sensitivity.)

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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    uh, racist against what race?

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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    ^Well.. I've heard it's against anyone not NATIVE to Hawaii. There are robberies, assaults, all that good stuff. An older gentleman I know lived there briefly and told me the horror stories. After hearing all he told me, it's definitely not a place I'd want to go.

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    Veteran Member logan820's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Audrey. at least you are now out of debt! that is a great thing! You took a chance, and it didn't work. you are not a failure. This expereince will make you a stronger person. Go back to school, and start over, once you get out of there you will feel better, waiting it out sucks! I had a similar thing happen, but not as far from home as you are. I agree that u should get some sun, the sun will raise your spirits. I am so sorry that things didn't work out, but I admire u for the chance you took

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    Featured Member DSUsb19's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    We got that same talk when we played in the University of Hawaii tourney. We were told the islanders love tourists, but hate anyone not native who lives on the island. Not saying it's true, it's just what I was told.
    *~If you play with reservation, you never play to your full potential.~*

    *~In wine there is wisdom.
    In beer there is freedom. In water there is bacteria. ~*

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    Featured Member lunchbox's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    FWIW, most health insurance plans don't really give much mental health coverage. It may have a fixed number of visits or something, but not enough to really work through a serious issue IMHO.

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    Member sarahdancesinchica's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in terms of style of life, I went without health insurance for about 6 months after turning 22 and becoming ineligible for my parents health care since I wasn't full time in an accreditted educational program. It's hard, the best advice I have is to try and build up some cash once you get back and don't immediately take out loans (even student loans) or spend it. But build up a nest egg to live on if things don't go your way. Put the money in savings and start to build up your financial status again. Taking a job with just enough hours to get health care is also an option, a lot of retail and food service jobs offer health care benefits to full time employees, so if you worked 32 hours a week at a store or resturaunt then nights and weekends at dancing you could start to recover. I wish I could be of more help. I was in a somewhat similar situation around 2 years ago only WITH debt due to car repairs. It just takes time, patience and confidence to get through it.
    --Sarah

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    God/dess Bunny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Yeah, getting mental health coverage if you're not on a big group (i.e. employed by a big company) is next to impossible. But you can find ways to get counseling cheap or for free. If you are techinically unemployed you might be able to get on Medicaid or whatever they have in the state you end up in and that covers a lot.

    What will you be studying in school? Before you take out a lot of loans for it be really sure you'll be able to finish and make good money at what you are going to do. I made the mistake of thinking I'd be out of school making tons of money in four years or less and ended up being in for 7 and having to relocate to work and filing bankruptcy. But hey, at least you've already done that so you're debt free! That is a great thing.

    Do you have any family you could stay with while in school? I know how hard it is when everything doesn't seem to be going your way but just remember that all the shitty stuff seems to happen at once and then things get better. At least that is how my life seems to go.

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    Senior Member janx34's Avatar
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    Alright I'm going to go way to the otherside of the spectrum and suggest something else.

    My sister is a single mother trying to raise her 2 little kids with no support from the father. SHe has no college and has been working multiple jobs at Target etc. to pay rent and just plan survive for the past 6 years. She realizes this was getting her no where but older so finally she sat down and decided to do things smarter not harder.

    She made a budget for an entire year. Everything possible she would need for an entire year. Then she got a personal loan for that amount so that she doesn't have to work, could be a stay at home mom and have time and less stress to go to school full time. She is working on a 2 year program that will certify her as a nursing aid...(or something like that) So then she will have a carreer instead of just a job. And even though she budgeted all the money she still does work during the summer since she's not in school and it brings in a little extra money.

    Now for you, this may or may not be an option. It's just another idea out there incase you hadn't already thought of it.

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    Senior Member janx34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Sorry more...........

    THis is what it sounds like to me.......I think you need and want (who doesn't) more control over your life and/or situation. But I also think that you almost tend to set yourself up for it to turn out the way it did or like your "bad luck" always lets things turn out. Hating hawaii isn't something you could have or should have avoided. That's more of a trial and error sort of thing. And it didn't make you a worse person.....you're just that more knowledgeable about the world then the average person. WHich is great.....live and learn. Some people won't even leave their county much less their state or country. So love yourself for being adventerous!!!

    But at the same time as being adventurous, you need control in your life so you don't have to fear slipping into this "bad luck" cycle. It sounds like you try to take control by creating a plan. WHich is what you need to do but you also need to be a little more specific with this plan instead of just having a basic idea of what you want , where you want to be at this certain date and the means(striping) that should at least carry you through to get there. You're living too much in the moment and not looking or planning far enough ahead. You have to be more specific instead of "This is where I want to be and I this should help me get there." You leave to many holes open for the plan to fail .

    YOu obviously have a specific career in mind and your goal is to get through college to start this carreer ......right? So start your plan big. How many years (at the longest) until you are done with college? What money do you have saved for when you get out of college, while looking for a job? For when you retire? DO you own any CDs or stocks or mutual funds....any saving(bank doesn't count)? These savings are not only good many years down the line but this money is perfect for when you are in a crisis and need cash now.... It's a very securing feeling knowing you have that little bit of reserve money just in case. You don't have to use it but if all else failed you wouldn't be left with nothing.

    This specific plan includes timelines and goals to meet. Such as - On a slow night I can make this much money multiply by the lowest number of nights you might work a week and then find out how long that will take you to have enough for a car. Plus any more money that you make over the amount you averaged or you work more then just 1 night a week will be encouraging beacause you know you can and planned to survive on less. Keeping very close track of your spent money by writing it down in a budget and not allowing yourself to go over your budget.

    This is a lot of work but in the end it is worth it. Making this plan and following through with it, will make you feel so much more safe, secure and in control of your life and situations. Instead of just hoping and wishing that you get some good luck and things will turn out the way you hoped they would, you will control how they turn out.

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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Audrey, you sound like a strong person to me. Whatever you do don't beat yourself up. The time it takes to get back on your feet is a short trip and once you get back on your feet you will see that. Ch.7 is going to be your biggest problem, getting any kind of loan for the next 6 mos to a year or even 2 is going to be hard. Unless you did not burn all your bridges. I filed 2 years ago, but reinstated my truck loan at my bank. When I did this they told me they would look at me as if I never filed and would only go by my record with them. As long as my credit report was clean, meaning that everything I was delinquent on was taken care of by the ch. 7. You need to make sure your credit report is right. This will stop you from getting unsecured cc cards and secured loans.
    Don't beat yourself up about Ryan and having to depend on him, not everyone has someone they can depend on.
    "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

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    God/dess KamrynAnne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    life gets tough at times.. we all go through stressful events.. it seems like when it rains it pours... this will only make u a stronger individual.... Things always get better... i know everything will work out for the best in the end.... hopefully this ryan is a good guy who is going to be a positive influence on you..... its so easy to give up and say fuck everything, but you've got to keep going.... it will all pay off in the end... all the best!!!

  17. #17
    AudreyLeigh
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    definately NOT the porn producer. this is the sweetheart i was with for 2 years. i broke things off and we were apart for a year and started working things out before i left.

    The other 2 days i worked at the club i left with $500 each. Its not really about the money... its about how they treat the girls... told me its an 8 hour shift then told me its 7 stage shows then told me i leave when they tell me i can whether its 8 or 12 hours... etc. the owners for some reason try to make the girls mad at the dj and vice verse. everyone is an asshole.. the girls are nice (for the most part) but its everyone else involved. if a guy doesnt buy you a $30 drink the minute you sit with them the owners will be so mean to them that they leave. they actually yelled at a customer because he spend a couple grand in there the night before and didnt buy a girl a drink after sitting with him for 30 seconds. im used to working in a happy place where the mgmt, djs and bouncers like me.. not this crap.

    The NEW plan is that Im going to move in with the man who loves me and said hes willing to work extra jobs (he does construction) to help me pay for school... he works days, i work nights so i can drive his car to work.. for 2 months im going to dance (at the club i feel welcome at) to make money for a car, im thinking a 95 Camry (about $4k) and for school which is around $7500... Cosmetology.

    Ry said hell take care of household expenses so i can focus on school and stuff... i dunno - things will work out.. its just hard... i only have a SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME to do all this.. my daughter is with her dad in Maui while im in school and i need to finish school before her next school year so she can come back to me full time. not that she cant now.. its just not a good time because she needs a stable home.. ya know?

    So.. 2 months of working. School starts Jan 17th.. over in sept... daughter comes back and il have a 9-5 (probably still dance a few nights a month to supplement income tho) you dont make thousands out the gate with hair.. takes a couple years to build clientel...

    Oh - and Im avoiding taking any loans out if at all possible. Only debt I have now is $3000 in student loans that im going to pay off AFTER i finish school... think itll work out... just have times when im sitting and doing nothing and just HATE EVERYTHING.

    I have a better outlook now.

    BTW - in Honolulu and on the Windward side of Oahu you wont experience racism... neither in Kapolei and some other areas. Where we live its only 5% white which means were the minority its ok here on the block.. its just out and about that you see it... ESPECIALLY being a "pretty blond" its the worse for me... even the neighbors joke about it. When i go out im waikiki and tell people where i live they look me up and down and give me a funny look with some stupid remark about my getting beat up by the locals and stupid shit like that. Whatever... i have 6 days left...

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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Audrey: Your 23 and maybe because you have a child and have been in difficult situations you feel old or that time is not on your side...it is. You may consider just not going to school when you return so as not to start on a helter skelter treadmill that has lead to you feeling up against a wall like you do now. Try perhaps applying for a job close to the boyfriend who loves you, even in retail (kind of simular to stripping) or some other secure customer service job...I know, not exciting...but maybe exciting is not what you need. Lastly, school is not a solution for everyone who wants to get ahead...I have a lot myself...and a lot of debt...put what I do I could have done with a little mentoring right out of highschool...sometimes its best to sit back and breath deeply and remember that its OK not to feel in control...thats how most of us feel.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Audrey, honey. Something I feel really obliged to say here is that I cannot stress enough how much you should not go home and depend on a man (or, for that matter a woman, if it is not your mother). Trust me - it can get worse. People don't like being out of work and dependant. It's a cultural anathema. It leads to a greater depression, and you have enough. I know that sometimes when you feel so lost that someone who says that he will take care of sounds like the voice of God, but it's not.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    God/dess Silverback's Avatar
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    C'mon home, Audrey.

    We'll leave the lights on.

    Sorry it didn't work out for you.
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Audrey try to put it in perspective. EVERYONE and her grandma has experienced racism! Those Hawaiians have probably experienced it too. I'm DYING to live in Brazil permanently if I can, which is very very racist, but I won't let it affect me. I personally think if you let total strangers' nasty attitudes affect how you perceive a place, you are giving them WAY too much power over you and your experience. Go out there don't let them intimidate you like that!

    It sounds like they're also Nativist against non-nationals. Just like some people in California and Texas are nativist and don't like immigrants. Imagine being a Mexican immigrant who HAS to make a living in El Paso and is being intimidated out of leaving a place he already hates. But he can't leave in 6 days. Just put it in perspective and chin up.

    Make the most of your solitude. Embrace it. You can take the six days and read, work out, do things you've always wanted to do alone but never had the time to. Now that it's only 6 days, you technically ARE a tourist, so you shouldn't even be experiencing any further problems. And if you can't make the most of it and think positively, then flip the BITCH SWITCH. Anger is more useful than despair. That should get you through the week. Good luck.

    "You have demonic genius" -Naomi Wolf
    "I very much resent it when people - maybe with good intentions or from a progressive point of view - keep telling me, 'It's their culture' ... It's like saying the culture of Massachusetts is burning witches." -Azar Nafisi


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    Featured Member lunchbox's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Quote Originally Posted by AudreyLeigh
    The NEW plan is that Im going to move in with the man who loves me

    ...

    my daughter is with her dad in Maui while im in school and i need to finish school before her next school year so she can come back to me full time. not that she cant now.. its just not a good time because she needs a stable home.. ya know?

    ...
    I wish you well, but forgive me for wishing those others involved more than that.

  23. #23
    AudreyLeigh
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Everythings ok Im back - weird - feel a comfort getting onto SW.. lol...

    Have a class Dec 13-21 to get my insurance liscense. I have a job at Cost U Less in Auburn (about 30 minutes away) but Im sure I can get a job closer if I look. This place pays $50K/yr starting...

    Was kinda funny. Went in with Ry for him to pay his insurance and there was a Help Wanted sign in the window... I jokingly asked how much they pay and asked for a job. He said sure if I have my liscense. I didnt so he told me where to go and that I have a job when I get it... I had no idea you made that much selling car insurance. He said some of the guys that work in Sacramento make upwards of $200K a year... geez...

    The stress is over... except for the no car thing... lol... gets real boring in the middle of nowhere with no car or tv! Just got a home phone yesterday! I am now officially addicted to PS2... hahaha...

    Anywho - Gonna do this job and see how it goes - can always go to school nights or dance nights for extra cash or whateva... not making "plans" anymore - just gonna see where it all takes me... altho eventually I will go to Beauty School... its what I really want to do but well see...

    Now all I need is a car to get to that class... haha...

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Glad you finally get a sigh of releif
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Default Re: Depressed and Broke

    Talk about ups and downs...good to know youre up now. Hope your life stays that way. Good to see you made it back in one piece hehe. Im sure your old club will let you back for a lil bit to make some cash. Well at least enjoy all the good smelling air ..all fresh n clean lol.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



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