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Thread: The Dilema

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    Default The Dilema

    not sure if this is the right discussion for this but will give it a try.

    starters. last night my fiance tried out to be a dancer at a local club but after the audition she was told she could dance ok, but wouldnt be able to hustle since she had never danced before. Now the backstory

    We have been dating for over 6 months and for 1 of those months we have been engaged. We are each others best freinds and cant see being with any other person. We are hoping to get married in the summer. Before and when we first met she had some money troubles where because of car problems, credit cards and such. She hid most of it from me though i did know her general situation so I did my best to help, such as paying for most everything, and even loaning her a bunch of money for some of the stuff... In the past week however we have run into a head. She finnaly confessed to me that she is stuck, she tried to hide from me that she needed to pay a car payment that was behind, a behind insurance bill, and a speeding ticket. and a daycare bill for her child, which by not paying, she would lose her day job by having no place for them to go after and before school.
    We had joked around about it before, nothing to serious, and have even been to a few clubs to jsut experience it. So she mentions about a week ago that she cant bear having no xmas and the stress was gettin to her and that she should just dance. She told me it was against everything she felt about herself in terms of self esteem and self respect but she saw no other choice. I offered her the money, but i am in grad school and working freelance so I am near the edge myself. Her response is that she could not live with herself if she brought me down with her. So I gave her a choice, either let me pay and take the risk of causing me harm, which i preffered, or to try dancing. So she said she would jsut not pay her bills and lose her car, her job etc... I told her that she had to choose so she choose to dance.. that day I went for her and got her 2 black dresses ,some shoes and simple jewelry.. we went that night to a local club together and after she got the nerve and said just screw her values. she went to the manager.. but he told her they were too busy to audition her and to come back another time. so we left
    Afterwards I told her I dont think that I can handle the stress, and jealousy.. that it would as people have told us, tear us apart... so we spent the next few days tryin everything to get the money. to our chagrin, nothing worked. So last night after a few days of stress, I told her that I am taking the risk and paying the stuff so she can keep her job ... she tried to leave me but i told her i would still pay them since i loved her. She said fine, you gave me a choice and so i am gonna dance.. we went to the club and she got an audtion and I watched from the floor.. I told her everytime she came to sit with me while she was waiting to go on, wearing her dancing clothes that I didnt want her to do this, that it wasnt too late. Soon her name was called, a song or two later she was on stage.. those songs before she came on were spent with me shaking, and wanting to grab her from the dj booth and go home.. BUt i Let her go up on stage, where she was nervous and ended up going topless for two songs.. she had crossed the line. SHe doesnt have any dancing experience and is a normally not outgoing person.
    After the songs, the manager and dj told her that she wasnt expereienced enough for their club, and have high competitetion among the girls and that she should go work somewhere else then maybe come back.. we went home where I broke down that I couldnt believe I would let her do it, and she broke down that she went beyond her limits tried it, and was turned down and that the only reason she went that night was because she didnt want me to risk my fiances by bailing her out. she then told me that she was going to go take an audtion at a smaller club, that since she had already crossed that line it didnt matter anymore... I told her that while i did encourage her to make a choice and supported and encouraged her when she did, I didnt think i could handle the stress.
    We were up all night, each of us stressed and breaking down, it is so bad we have each lost 7-8 ;bs from not eating for about a week and from stress.. So today the day we needed the money, I drove her to work, so i knew she would have to come to my apt and not hers after.. I paid her past dues balances so her child is back in daycare, and she is upset at me for paying them and feels that what she did last night , something that makes her hate herself, was pointless and worthless..

    She wants to go tonight for the audition and pay me the money, even though at that club she would average 100-130 a night. and I have already covered 1800 in bills, plus the 300 in clothes for her to try dancing..


    The dilema after all of this, is that should I let her go dance, when she has a good chance tonight of getting turned down, or maybe just taken on to be another girl for the roster. SHe is only doing it to try and prevent me from getting bankrupt, but is it my place to tell her no, and have her resent me for having crossed that line, and still have me risk everything... I am a loving fiance and just want her to be happy and make it in life, not lose her, and do the right thing. She told me that if I told her not too, that she would not go, but do i have that right? and is it something I should do? I am sick to my stomach and at a loss..

    thanks

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    Default Re: The Dilema

    I feel for you.
    It's one thing if she was already a dancer before she met you,and wanted to go back to work to make ends meet for a while,but this is not the case she never danced before. Hmm.. I would let her try other clubs,if she really is "that bad" she will end up not getting hired anywhere,or getting hired somewhere and making like $30 a night,then she will really hate the biz and end up quitting. So then you wont have to deal with that dillema anymore. Basically,let her crash and burn. Hopefully you wont hold it against her,and no "I told you so's".

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    God/dess KamrynAnne's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dilema

    i agree with logan about the crash and burn.... she may find out that this business isn't for her.... if she doesn't have what it takes to be a dancer, then things probably won't be too pretty for her.. as far as making money goes...... i would give it a little more time, mabye a month or two to see if things improve.. try a few other clubs.... like i said it takes a lot of strength (mental and physical)to be a dancer.... if shes lacking either of the two she prob won't last long.. hope things get better for you two.

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    Default Re: The Dilema

    I am married and just started dancing the other week. It has always been something that i've been interested in doing and thankfully my husband has supported me in it. It isn't an easy business and you have to be dedicated to learning new things and being in pain for a while. Although i did make $277 last Friday I've heard that's pretty good for a new girl at our club. I think that your best option is to let her give it a try. Talk to her about her financial situation and maybe see if she can find a different job as well. She has to want to do this, it can't be something that she does just because she thinks it will bring money in. (It will, but guys can always tell when a girl is hating being up there)
    Worst case scenerio....she goes to several clubs and they all tell her she sucks. She'll recover. Make sure that you are supportive and that you help her out. Tell her to practice lap dances with you at night! NO TOUCHING lol!
    "When life gets rough turn up the music and dance a little"

    I Train Mixed Martial Arts!

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    Default Re: The Dilema

    I don't think that you guys are in the right frame of mind for this right now.

    There are many issues of trust and finances brought up in your post. These are HUGE issues in any engagement/marriage that do not always go away once money is in the bank account.

    Might I suggest that you take a look at that stuff first? Once you two set some financial goals and a budget, then a discussion about bridging the money gap with an extra job may well be in order.

    Stripping, whether full time of for extra cash, takes a mental toll on the dancer. Walking into the club at night with "bill paying" angst sucks. I have yet to see a new girl with both financial stress and an insecure partner at home last long at dancing. It does not seem fair to either of you to continue this plan without more careful reflection.

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    Default Re: The Dilema

    I see girls like this every week. They get $$$ in their eyes, and forget about everything else. There was a new dancer at my club Saturday night, she was wasted drunk, and by 10:30pm was a sobbing mess in the dressing room. She was shocked at how mean the customers were, and couldn't belive how gross and rude they were either.

    If you want her to know what she will encounter on a daily basis, have her read a hustler magazine, and at work she has to pretend to get horney when the guys say things like "I just wanna bang you baby", and "Come put them titties in my face" and other equeally rude commments.

    There is a really good reason why so many dancers are strung out on drugs or are hopeless alcoholics, it is because they don't have the personality to cope with their jobs, and feel they need some chemical assistance to get through. A lot of girls slowly kill themselves this way.

    If she needs extra money, maybe she can start selling off stuff on ebay. I find that selling my used items on there makes me some pretty good money. I make a lot more with the used stuff, then the new stuff. Or she can take a job as a bartender in a regular bar. Some of those ladies earn several hundred a night in tips alone. I was a cocktail waitress in a regualr bar and would rarely go home with less then $100 in tips every night.

    Dancing offers the most flexibility, sure, but cocktailing or bartending is a close second in most places.

    I wish you luck, and I can tell that you love her so much! If every woman should be so lucky to have such a great guy in her life!


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Default Re: The Dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    If every woman should be so lucky to have such a great guy in her life!
    Ditto. Whatever the decision is, you two seem like are have a very strong and communicative relationship. You will be able to ride this out. Good luck to the both of you.

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    Default Re: The Dilema

    I think the fact that she wasn't discouraged from still trying after the first attempt, says something about how much she is willing to really give dancing a shot. The first night can be really terrifying.

    She might end up crashing and burning, but it will be a lot easier for her if she goes out there and does it without you there. You might want to be there for moral support, but it really is going to just make it much harder for her knowing you're out there in the audience watching her. Plus she needs to learn how to hustle which isn't something you will want to watch, nor will it be any easier for her if you are.

    Good luck. I hope things work out.

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    Veteran Member alicia0033's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by crunchy
    not sure if this is the right discussion for this but will give it a try.

    starters. last night my fiance tried out to be a dancer at a local club but after the audition she was told she could dance ok, but wouldnt be able to hustle since she had never danced before. Now the backstory

    We have been dating for over 6 months and for 1 of those months we have been engaged. We are each others best freinds and cant see being with any other person. We are hoping to get married in the summer. Before and when we first met she had some money troubles where because of car problems, credit cards and such. She hid most of it from me though i did know her general situation so I did my best to help, such as paying for most everything, and even loaning her a bunch of money for some of the stuff... In the past week however we have run into a head. She finnaly confessed to me that she is stuck, she tried to hide from me that she needed to pay a car payment that was behind, a behind insurance bill, and a speeding ticket. and a daycare bill for her child, which by not paying, she would lose her day job by having no place for them to go after and before school.
    We had joked around about it before, nothing to serious, and have even been to a few clubs to jsut experience it. So she mentions about a week ago that she cant bear having no xmas and the stress was gettin to her and that she should just dance. She told me it was against everything she felt about herself in terms of self esteem and self respect but she saw no other choice. I offered her the money, but i am in grad school and working freelance so I am near the edge myself. Her response is that she could not live with herself if she brought me down with her. So I gave her a choice, either let me pay and take the risk of causing me harm, which i preffered, or to try dancing. So she said she would jsut not pay her bills and lose her car, her job etc... I told her that she had to choose so she choose to dance.. that day I went for her and got her 2 black dresses ,some shoes and simple jewelry.. we went that night to a local club together and after she got the nerve and said just screw her values. she went to the manager.. but he told her they were too busy to audition her and to come back another time. so we left
    Afterwards I told her I dont think that I can handle the stress, and jealousy.. that it would as people have told us, tear us apart... so we spent the next few days tryin everything to get the money. to our chagrin, nothing worked. So last night after a few days of stress, I told her that I am taking the risk and paying the stuff so she can keep her job ... she tried to leave me but i told her i would still pay them since i loved her. She said fine, you gave me a choice and so i am gonna dance.. we went to the club and she got an audtion and I watched from the floor.. I told her everytime she came to sit with me while she was waiting to go on, wearing her dancing clothes that I didnt want her to do this, that it wasnt too late. Soon her name was called, a song or two later she was on stage.. those songs before she came on were spent with me shaking, and wanting to grab her from the dj booth and go home.. BUt i Let her go up on stage, where she was nervous and ended up going topless for two songs.. she had crossed the line. SHe doesnt have any dancing experience and is a normally not outgoing person.
    After the songs, the manager and dj told her that she wasnt expereienced enough for their club, and have high competitetion among the girls and that she should go work somewhere else then maybe come back.. we went home where I broke down that I couldnt believe I would let her do it, and she broke down that she went beyond her limits tried it, and was turned down and that the only reason she went that night was because she didnt want me to risk my fiances by bailing her out. she then told me that she was going to go take an audtion at a smaller club, that since she had already crossed that line it didnt matter anymore... I told her that while i did encourage her to make a choice and supported and encouraged her when she did, I didnt think i could handle the stress.
    We were up all night, each of us stressed and breaking down, it is so bad we have each lost 7-8 ;bs from not eating for about a week and from stress.. So today the day we needed the money, I drove her to work, so i knew she would have to come to my apt and not hers after.. I paid her past dues balances so her child is back in daycare, and she is upset at me for paying them and feels that what she did last night , something that makes her hate herself, was pointless and worthless..

    She wants to go tonight for the audition and pay me the money, even though at that club she would average 100-130 a night. and I have already covered 1800 in bills, plus the 300 in clothes for her to try dancing..


    The dilema after all of this, is that should I let her go dance, when she has a good chance tonight of getting turned down, or maybe just taken on to be another girl for the roster. SHe is only doing it to try and prevent me from getting bankrupt, but is it my place to tell her no, and have her resent me for having crossed that line, and still have me risk everything... I am a loving fiance and just want her to be happy and make it in life, not lose her, and do the right thing. She told me that if I told her not too, that she would not go, but do i have that right? and is it something I should do? I am sick to my stomach and at a loss..

    thanks

    What about waitressing period?? it doesn't have to be at a nite club. I mean there's other options other than stripping. If i had a boyfriend who truly loved me that didn't want me to do it, i wouldnt. That's if the guy is truly worth it. I wouldn't expect a serious boyfriend to accept this profession. That's just my opinion.

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    Default Re: The Dilema

    Update:

    So after some discussion last night, I told her that it was her decision to make. We gathered her clothes and stuff and went to the club that had told her to audition. We got there and I went in first to sit down and she followed 5-10 mins later. The club was mostly empty. 4-5 patrons and prob7-8 dancers. she waited to talk to the manager while i was sitting by the stage. The general manager and some other manger came to talk to her. They asked her why she wanted to dance and if she had danced before. She said she was looking to dance to see if the money was good. They told her that while their roster was rather full right now she could prob audition. She asked if they were also applying for waitresses or shot girls.. The one guy said he thought they may be. the general manager asked if she had brought clothes with her. she said yes. The manager then asked her to go upstairs to the office with both of them to fill out an aplication. she asked them if she could fill it out down there on the floor near the bar.. we had been told by a friend who used to work for that sometimes the managers try to get girls upstairs to do things with them so she didnt want to be alone with 2 men upstairs. I guess after she said that, the manager said well never mind then and she left..
    I guess we decided then after that we were done with this.. Though through th night after we were playin head games with each other.. .prob due to the stress. I said at one point.. well there is always Madam's (another club around, that we had heard was a place where alot of "extra" things happened in the VIP). SHe snapped back,,, whatever you want.. lets go.... though i knew she was just tryiny to be jaded.. and was pissy i said that.. Part of me does want her to do it, i dont know if its the fantasy, since i kept thinkin how attractive she looked in the clothes and the exotic nature of her dancing. Most of me hates the idea,, but i need now to figure out how to deal with this and work through the future. We still are in the same bind money wise. and i dont know if i can keep from bringing this up again... by saying.. well we crossed that line already and need the money.. why not try again....

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    Veteran Member funtasticFerra's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dilema

    I don't think it should be your idea nor should you be the one to push her into auditioning! This is something that she needs to WANT to do. It can be a lot of fun if you're the right type of person. And i really do suggest letting her go by herself to an audition simply because it's hard for girls to dance when someone they care about is around, most of the time. Why don't you ask her if she's interested in continueing her search and trying to get hired or if she's done with it. that will let you know how SHE feels and wether SHE WANTS to do this. She needs to call ahead and talk with the hiring manager before she goes and make an appointment to audition as well as ask if she can come in on a night to check it out to see if it's something she's really up for. having you come along isn't going to make it easy for her to feel comfortable and let loose on stage. What city are you in? Try finding a deja vu near you they seem to be a decent place to work, at least the one i work for is.

    As for your money issues....You two need to sit down and figure out exactly how much debt you are in and realize that you have to pay more than the minimum to get out of debt. Add it all up and find out how you can work something out to make payments. She can find other jobs if this doesn't pan out for her. Make an agenda and talk things out. See what you both can provide and what you still will need. It may not be as bad as you think, and if it is than you'll figure something out. If you can't....find a financial advisor who can help you.

    Good luck and don't worry things will start looking up! Let her make her own mind up about dancing. It has to be something she wants to do for her not for money!
    "When life gets rough turn up the music and dance a little"

    I Train Mixed Martial Arts!

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    Veteran Member logan820's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dilema

    Ultimately, which I think is a common theme here is, she needs to decide for herself if this is something she can do. Most of us here have wanted to do this on our own. No one gave us on option of "I'll give you the $$ or dance". Why dancing, I used to bartend in college, I made $$ bartending. I like dancing better, it is easier, I get to socialize and look hot, I am not going home w/ beer and ketchup all over me. There are a lot of other ways. Why dancing? I guess this is what I am not understanding about this situation. If you hate the idea of it, it might really hinder your relationship in the future. You can;t be in the club all the time w/ her. If you want her to make $$ she needs to hustle, and flirt.....you do love her a lot, and she's a lucky girl!

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    Default Re: The Dilema

    I think she should look into bartending or waitressing. Both are very lucrative. Cocktailing at a strip club can bring in a few hundred a night. What does your girlfriend look like? Honestly, if she is new to the buissness and cant yet dance like a dancer she wont make oodles of money dancing anyway. There is only a small percentage of dancers that make 500 and up dollars a night. You should read some of the posts on the subject. Girls often argue because some dont believe that girls making a grand a night without extras are telling the truth. Dancing is a hard bussiness, and it doesnt sound like something either of you feel comfortable if. If you feel this strongly now imagine how you are going to feel when she starts flirting for money, and grinding on laps....showing her body to everyone who comes into the room with a dollar. Its gonna be hard on your relationship and my opinion is stop now before it even begins. I'd suggest going to counseling if either of you can afford it.....If you can take out loans & pay them back later....and you plan to be married....Maybe your girlfriend can talk to someone professional about the issue of perferring to take her clothing off for money rather than saving her relationship and taking money from someone she is soon going to marry. I cant tell you what to do,,,and u know what they say about advice....it is only validating what you already want to hear or u wont listn to it anyway...girls often find themselves addicted to the bussiness once they get into it. Waitressing is GOOD money. Bartedning is BETTER. Explore other options -- dancing is not the only answer. Good luck!

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    Default Re: The Dilema

    "well we crossed that line already .. why not try again...."
    If you make a mistake and relaize that its a mistake its fine to not repeat the same mistake again.if u really dot want her to dance u could consider taking the semester off of work .....or could she get a better job? there are other options...and if in the end u guys make the decision for her to dance, well, i hope that u have consdiered all of the other options.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: The Dilema

    I think she has to decide if she really wants this. And I think another small problem might be, your going into the club with her. My man isnt 100% behind the idea but hes handling me dancing... The main thing that helps him be okay with it I think is the fact that the men im dancing fore repulse me and I love him to much to ever consider doing extras or anything else. But I know if he went into the club I was dancing I would probably freak, freeze and quit on the spot. SIt and talk with her, lay out other options such as waitressing, bartending or shooter girl. I used to waitress and do shooters before I started dancing(its how I got the idea to dance) and its fairly good money. Only reason I didnt keep doing it was my club only offers a couple nights a week as a waitress.
    If she wants to dance tell her to get a girlfriend with her to go to an audition. I know you want to be there but honestly I think its a really bad idea for SO's to be in the club their girl is dancing.
    Good luck with everything

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dilema

    Okay, first of all, it's her decision. She makes the decision on her own, and you aren't involved. Don't play the game where you try to get her to do it/not do it, and don't play the game where she puts all the responsibility for her decision on you. If she does it, be supportive. Don't go to the club. Would you go to any other kind of job interview or workplace?

    The finances are a completely seperate issue, and are the number one reason for divorces today. Sit down and make up a budget. Be honest and see what you have and what the problems are.



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