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Thread: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

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    God/dess colleen's Avatar
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    Default Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Anybody who knows me ought to know that I am really fucking happy with my life. And with my job. You all know that dancing for me is not jsut something I am doing temporarily to pay some bills, but it is something I really love. I am happy doing it, my days are my own, (mostly) and I have no stress that carries over into my daily life, etc., etc.

    Before I get up on my high horse, there are two facts that are important to this tirade:

    1. My parents did not contribute ONE CENT to my education. I joined the Army to pay for it.

    2. My mother does NOT know that I dance. She believes I am a cocktail waitress in a hotel bar.

    Now, My mom did not go to college. But she could have. She got maried almost right out of HS, probably b/c she was pregnant. But she has always been hell bent that I shoudl go to college. (Yes, I understand the psychology behind vicarious living, and so on). So I picked up a rifle and off I went. Got a psychology degree. It got me a several jobs, all of which I hated.

    So I got me a second degree. Molecular Biology. Unfortunately, I didn't do my due diligence and found out, while I was trying to get a job with said degree, that it was basically useless b/c my school was not properly accredditted. Most of the options open to me involved decapitating rats. No thanks.

    I am close to fulfilling my pre-med rewuirements (2 classes to go) but I was having second thoughts abut it before I became pregnant. After my son was born, I decided I definitely did not want to pursue it.

    So now I have a good job. It is interesting and challenging to me. I enjoy the people I meet and the actual work I do. I like my coowrkers and management. The hours are flexible, I can take time off, as much as I need, with 5 minutes notice. I can be home with my kid when I want to. I make more than I did in the jobs that requied my degree. I have money to travel and for little luxuries (like I just bought a coach purse and we were able to replace my wedding ring as soon as it became apparent that it was not going to turn up.) I am home schooling my child, and he is obviously better off for all the parent-time he gets.

    I spend a lot of time with poeple who have degrees and are working in thier chosen field, who are not happy. THey have stress, debt, expensive cars, huge mortgages, etc. They are divorced and/or rarely see thier kids.

    I AM HAPPY.

    MY HUSBAND AND SON ARE HAPPY.

    Is this enough for my mother? To know that her daughter is happy and doing well financially without killing herself? Isn't she happy to know that her grandson is always with one parent, not spending time in day-care under the neglect of strangers? Doesn't she notice that he is more articulate than his 6 year old cousin?

    NO IT IS NOT!

    My being actaully happy in my work is not important at all, apparently. She is bitching at me for WASTING the education that SHE DID NOT PAY FOR. Apparently she thinks it is better for me to put my son in child care and go back to college (again!). Not that she is offering to pay for the college or the child care or anything. (She could. Not that that would change my mind.) So I would have to work even MORE hours to pay for the classes that would keep me away from my family even MORE hours and that woudl generate MORE HOURS of homework.

    She has the nerve to tell me she is thinking form a "mother's perspective." (her words) I ask you! Shouldn't a mother be content when her kid is finally happy in her life? I want my son to grow up to be honest, kind, intelligent, and self directed--but wheter he is a professional anything is up to him. I don't think it is part of my motherly responsibiities to continue to push him toward any path that he feels is not right for him.

    I have spent so much of my life living for other peoples' expectations. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I am so much happier jsut doing my own thing. Why can't my mom, who is supposed to love me, jsut let me be happy??

    OK, end of rant.....


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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Hmmmm, sounds like my mother and sister. I hear it is pretty common, so take no alarm at being "the only one."

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    Senior Member janx34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    mmmmmm....sounds like(what I think of as) the typical stereotype(spell?) of the american way.
    For example, if you want to be happy and successful you HAVE to have a college degree otherwise you will die lonely and unhappy working in McDonalds. Those are your only choices. FEAR life without a college degree!!! That's always the impression I get.

    ANother example is the idea that you HAVE to get married and get big flashy wedding rings in America otherwise you're not truely in love. It's all for show I think. My husband and I only got married in the court because "in America" you get benefits for being married. Otherwise we both see no point in the ceremony. We know we love each other. We don't need a stupid piece of paper to prove it to each other. And we never got wedding rings. It's just a cultural thing. What if instead of rings, Tattooes were a symbol. Then everyone in America would have a tattoo.

    My mother is a very VERY devout Roman Catholic. I respect her and her choice in religion but when I moved out of the house I made it clear that the religion and path she had taken was not mine. She tried everything to "bring me back to the faith" My soul would burn in hell......blah blah. You will never be happy if you choose a life of sin......(by the way, a life of sin includes wearing tank tops because they show your shoulders) So you can imagine she'd faint or have a heart attack if she knew half the things I've done or seen or talked about....... So slowly over years and years she excepted or at least silently excepted that I wasn't going to change and that HEY!! I'm actually happy and my life is great and I'm doing it all in a sinful way... That was one of her favorite tactics. That if you live a life of sin then bad things will happen to you and you will be miserable. When I talk to her I make it clear that "SEE! my life is good and happy even though I'm not living like you say (or god says) I should." Well not that harsh. WHen I talk to her I make happy conversation. I respect her and her choice of life and I make it clear that I respect her lifestyle when I talk to her. If she brings up religion I just Respectfully and calmly remind her that she can't change me....that I'm very happy etc......Then I change the subject. If she won't give up I tell her I got to go and that we'll talk later. I never lie to her......I just hold back information that would upset her. That way she's happy in her little world and I'm happy in mine.......

    It's a fine balance. You just have to see past all the annoying habits and ways of life that your parents are forever going to be set in. And see and respect them for all that they have done good and right for you. Leave all the negative behind and only spotlight the positive. That way they feel and know you respect them and thank them for raising you. Sometimes that's all they really want even if it seems like all they are doing is nagging you about unimportant things. Just respect her opinion and then leave it at that. It's just her opinion. Nothing more. She can say all she wants to about anything but in the end she can't make the final choice for you. At least that's what I let my mom know. I love her and respect her opinion but in the end I'm still going to make my own choices and be happy with them. I just hope she can be happy for me too.
    Last edited by janx34; 11-12-2005 at 10:34 PM.

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    Senior Member janx34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    does she live close to you (same city) or is she farher away in another state?

    My sisters live very close to my parents and they are always ranting about how she trys to control and tell them what to do and how to raise their kids blah blah..... I live far far away so I don't have to deal with what my sisters have to put up with everyday. It makes it easier to live far away.

  5. #5
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Let me tell you a sick little secret- my mom caused me unending grief when she discovered I was a stripper. She told my dad, it hurt him- I wanted to hurt her for hurting him. She's not a nice person.
    BUT I sense a secret pride in her- she was always very vain about her looks, and in some way she must think it's good that I used the looks inherited from her to make $$$$. (I also came home from the club one weekend waving a stack of money and laughing, "Vice PAYS!" I've helped my family with my stripping money and she knows it.)
    SOOOO...even if they find out the truth, in most cases they get over it. Especially if they benefit indirectly from it.
    I usually advise people to avoid conflict with family, so I suggest you try to steer conversations away from your degrees and whatever you're doing for work. I think older people get cranky and scared when they are reminded that they're closer to Death's Door than others...so they either strike out to displace some of their unhappiness, or are truly attempting to be helpful, albeit also being offensive & inappropriate.

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    God/dess leilanicandy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Some people you can never please! If you was to you live your life to please your family members. You will never be happy! I know family must be real important to you! So here is my advice. If your mother can't deal with how you live your life. Don't worry about it! I know thats harder to do then to say! But I had to learn too! When you are a grown women with a family of your own, your husband and child comes first. Her naggin words thats cause you emotional and mental pain, really is not worth it! You get enought at work!You got plan stick to it don't be around people who trys to talk bad about you! Even if it's your mom! Sometimes we need a break from those nagging family members. You don't have to disown her but giver her, but makes some space. I did me and my mother are not close but she knows not to nagg me about my business. My mom was like your mom too she never ever help me with anything! I did everything on my own, but she wanted to always tell me what to do and how to do it! I never did anything right! You know mothers and daugthers will also have alittle squirl hear and there but you have to draw the line. You are a grown woman
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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    As soon as you realize that everyone's opinions of you is a reflection of how they view themselves...I think you begin to understand why some people are so unhappy...and no matter what they do, it shows.

    All I can say is that everything your mother is saying about you is a direct window of criticisms to herself. She never went to college. Obviously, she chose her family over her education...and there is nothing wrong with that. But, she's stuck in the what-if mode. Maybe instead of bitching about how annoying she is, the next time she begins the same "broken record speech" you can say, "Well, I know education is so important to you. It's no longer a priority in my life. My son and my family are. But, your children are now all grown...you've done a great job. So, with all of this free-time, why not go take some classes from the local college? I think you would really enjoy that! And, it's never too late to start something you really want to do!"

    I know how hard it is to listen to someone you love criticize you. But, if you realize that the criticisms AIMED towards you are not ABOUT you; I think it's easier to step back from the conversation and really see it for what it is.

    Don't fight it...and take the conversation aimed towards you and turn it back onto your mother. You'll most likely meet with all kinds of excuses or what-not, but just keep reassuring her. Send her the local college catalog and just write a note that says, "I saw this and I immediately thought about you. I noticed that they offer several classes that I think you'd really enjoy!"

    Doing things with love will always produce better results than doing things out of anger.

    Good luck, sweetie...here's a
    Last edited by VenusGoddess; 11-13-2005 at 08:31 AM.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    WOW, Venus is blowin' me away today! Bravo!
    Anyway, I can relate. My mom lives w/me, it's one of the most difficult things I"VE EVER DEALT with! I have to turn a deaf ear, & detach as much as possible, or I would go nuts. Not being mean, at all either, but you know.
    I must say I do admire you Colleen, for 1. joining the service, & 2. going for the education, altho it's not what you wanted, you hung in there & put the time in.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

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    Veteran Member MsTopaz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    live your life the way you want to live hon...mama will get over it, and if she doesn't that's her issue not yours.

    unfortunately parents (read moms) have the tendancy to jump down their chidren's throats when the children aren't living their lives as the parents planned...even if you're doing well. they seem to expect you to live how they want you to live, believe how they believe (translation - follow same spiritual path), etc. and if you don't they try to make life difficult for you, or make comments in an attempt to make you see things their way...still trying to change you.

    be you darlin'. take a break from mom if you have to.

    why do some people still have to fight to get the same opportunities that are given to others?

    reclusiveness...is a good thing.

    the greatest revenge in the world...is success.


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    Featured Member rusdancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    I totally understand how you feel,I have a very similar situation.It's never enough for my mother,no matter what.She is always putting me down viciously not just for dancing,which was a secret for a long time,but for anything else.It almost looks like she takes pleasure in that.And we live in 2 seperate parts of the world....She's been getting worse over the years,got more and more bitter,even lost all her friends and contact with other family members.I have come to realize that she won't change and I should live my life as I decide to live it and not let her try to ruin it and make me feel insecure and bad about myself.We had an ongoing feud thoughout my whole entire life.....

    Good luck!

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    Veteran Member SexyJess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Ugh... I just want to tell you you are not alone.

    I graduated from college in June. I've been dancing for a year and a half, but my family doesn't know (they'd be horrified). They think I'm a cocktail waitress, too.

    Every time I talk to my parents, they ask, "When are you going to get a job?" "Why aren't you working?" As if me busting my ass for tips 4-5 days a week means nothing. They don't care that my husband and I are financially stable, that we're paying off our debt faster than we would be if I had an office job. All they care about is getting me into a suit so that they can brag about me.

    They did pay for my college tuition, so I do feel guilty. And I know they just want what's best for me. But I JUST graduated. My degree is in Journalism, and I'd really like to freelance for awhile before I commit to a 9-5 job... it will make my resume look better and give me an edge if I've already been published. I'm working on some stories, but these things take time. I wish my parents would just get off my back and let me go at my own pace. It's gotten so bad that I don't even call my mother anymore. I avoid talking to her whenever possible because I get sick of her putting me down.

    Just know you're not alone. I wish I could offer you a solution, but I'm still working on one myself!

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    God/dess colleen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Thanks everyubody! Your support means the world to me!


    My MySpace Page:


    When you perform... you are out of yourself--larger and more potent, more beautiful. You are for minutes heroic. This is power. This is glory on earth. And it is yours, nightly.

    --Agnes De Mille

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    Featured Member evan_essence's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Quote Originally Posted by SexyJess
    My degree is in Journalism, and I'd really like to freelance for awhile before I commit to a 9-5 job... it will make my resume look better and give me an edge if I've already been published. I'm working on some stories, but these things take time.
    Oh, oh! Perfect cover. If you get some freelance stories published, you can show something tangible to your family. And if you've got some other non-descript grunt-work writing to casually mention, either real or imagined, like press releases, brochures, websites, etc., they won't know how full time that is or not.

    Trust me, no one in my family yet has quizzed me to talk in detail about my (part-time) role as an "online editor and web content producer." ZzzZzzz.

    -Ev

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    Featured Member evan_essence's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Quote Originally Posted by VenusGoddess
    Don't fight it...and take the conversation aimed towards you and turn it back onto your mother. You'll most likely meet with all kinds of excuses or what-not, but just keep reassuring her. Send her the local college catalog and just write a note that says, "I saw this and I immediately thought about you. I noticed that they offer several classes that I think you'd really enjoy!"
    Awww, you're so sweet, but that's absolutely not devilish enough. I was thinking more along the lines of, "Mom, I was just thinking about your well-being. When's the last time you got laid so well that you temporarily went deaf?"



    -Ev

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    God/dess threlayer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Irritating pushy mother **RANT**

    Maybe your Mom should take those classes and do something useful with her life, assuming her parenting duties are largely over, or should be.
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

    Customers are not entitled to grope, disrespect, or rob strippers. This is their job, not their hobby, and they all need income. Clubs are not just some erotic show for guys to view while drinking.

    NOTE: anything I post here, outside of a direct quote, is my opinion only, which I am entitled to. Take it for what you estimate it is worth.

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