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Thread: Rant About Family

  1. #1
    madmaxine
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    Exclamation Rant About Family

    OK, I've resisted posting this for a long time, but I have actually gotten physically sick from it all so I don't give a sh*t anymore.
    My mom got sick last fall so I came home. It was long drama- local court involved, hospital stays, all that good dysfunctional family stuff. I stayed home for mostly emotional support. Now she is better and I need to move on.
    However, my sister likes to guilt trip me about leaving. She feels like I am leaving her with the lion's share of an unfair burden. HOWEVER, she can get better compensation for being around my mother than I do, because our lifestyles are different. & She can actually stand my mom, whereas I can't.
    I've gone as far as avoiding being around my sister so I don't punch her out. I'd really like to be friendly with her & am totally willing to help financially with my mother's care, but I can't live in the same town as her......I have never liked my mom, even as a little kid..I know it sounds bad, but it's the truth. (My dad is the normal parent, he divorced my mom years ago & I totally don't blame him!)
    SO.........my questions are: how can I be diplomatic with two women who get stricken with "Hispanic Panic" (LOL) when I try to rationalize with them? We're blood and all, they come first in my book, but sidelining myself & losing money to make them happy is literally eating me up inside (I think I have an ulcer.) Plus, it's just BS. They're all grown-ass adults.
    Any input welcome.

  2. #2
    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant About Family

    If you really dislike your mom that much,it is best to wash your hands of her.Trying to rationalize with someone like that is futile.You will feel much better this way at the end.I did this four years ago with my mom and haven't looked back.I hate her with a passion.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

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  3. #3
    Featured Member Paintbaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant About Family

    The nice thing about being a grown-up is that you don't have to rationalize your choices to anyone. This includes your family. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you are obligated to sacrifice your happiness for their sake. You can still be a responsible family member by contributing financially to your mother's care, calling regularly to see how she is, and visiting once a year (for a short period of time, and staying in a hotel so you don't have to absorb all the dysfunction and feel suffocated while you visit). It doesn't sound like you really want to cut your family out of your life---you just need to maintain distance for your own sanity. So do so.


    You don't need to try to rationalize with them---just go and live your life. Don't get drawn into verbal or physical altercations with your sister--tell her that you have made your choices and that is that. If you don't explain or rationalize, there can't be an argument. Arguments happen when a person tries to explain themselves, and the other person refutes , contradicts, or dismisses the point. It's circular, and no good can come of it.

    You have been in your family long enough to know that the dynamic and people aren't going to change or be different, no matter how much you would like it to be otherwise. You know that you don't get along with your mother and her presence makes you mental, and that your sister doesn't understand you or your lifestyle. That won't change. So give up the hope that this will all disappear and that you will all get along one day. Deal with what the reality is, and go about your life accordingly. Total abandonment of your family ties isn't necessary, but maintaining your sanity is. And there ain't nothing wrong with that.

    Don't feel guilty. Contribute financially to your mom's care so the burden doesn't fall entirely on your sis, call mom once in awhile to see how she is, or send a little gift now and again so that she knows you are thinking of her. This way, you are still maintaining family ties, and letting your mom know you still care---but doing so from a distance, where your life choices aren't being scrutinized and you aren't feeling overwhelmed with the dysfunction within your family. And then feel good about it all, because you are a grown-up, and have made a responsible choice without compromising your own feelings of well-being.

    Remember--no guilt! Guilt is just a waste of emotion and energy. Good luck!

  4. #4
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Rant About Family

    *UPDATE*
    Well, I got a blessing in disguise- my sister is now sick of me & agrees I should move away. Mom is still Suicide on a Stick. I am so happy. Every time I come home I get sick & depressed. Dealing with these twin harpies that are my female relations has caused my poor stomach to erode itself.
    Thank you for the advice.

  5. #5
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant About Family

    You can choose your friends but not your family!

  6. #6
    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant About Family

    Quote Originally Posted by Paintbaby
    The nice thing about being a grown-up is that you don't have to rationalize your choices to anyone. This includes your family. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you are obligated to sacrifice your happiness for their sake. You can still be a responsible family member by contributing financially to your mother's care, calling regularly to see how she is, and visiting once a year (for a short period of time, and staying in a hotel so you don't have to absorb all the dysfunction and feel suffocated while you visit). It doesn't sound like you really want to cut your family out of your life---you just need to maintain distance for your own sanity. So do so.


    You don't need to try to rationalize with them---just go and live your life. Don't get drawn into verbal or physical altercations with your sister--tell her that you have made your choices and that is that. If you don't explain or rationalize, there can't be an argument. Arguments happen when a person tries to explain themselves, and the other person refutes , contradicts, or dismisses the point. It's circular, and no good can come of it.

    You have been in your family long enough to know that the dynamic and people aren't going to change or be different, no matter how much you would like it to be otherwise. You know that you don't get along with your mother and her presence makes you mental, and that your sister doesn't understand you or your lifestyle. That won't change. So give up the hope that this will all disappear and that you will all get along one day. Deal with what the reality is, and go about your life accordingly. Total abandonment of your family ties isn't necessary, but maintaining your sanity is. And there ain't nothing wrong with that.

    Don't feel guilty. Contribute financially to your mom's care so the burden doesn't fall entirely on your sis, call mom once in awhile to see how she is, or send a little gift now and again so that she knows you are thinking of her. This way, you are still maintaining family ties, and letting your mom know you still care---but doing so from a distance, where your life choices aren't being scrutinized and you aren't feeling overwhelmed with the dysfunction within your family. And then feel good about it all, because you are a grown-up, and have made a responsible choice without compromising your own feelings of well-being.

    Remember--no guilt! Guilt is just a waste of emotion and energy. Good luck!
    My thoughts exactly.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Rant About Family

    Glad to see that you will be moving on and feeling better. Hope your tummy feels better!

  8. #8
    Featured Member Paintbaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant About Family

    Love 'em from a distance. You'll feel better once you have your own space and peace of mind back, and you'll probably also feel more loving again once you get away from all the drama. Family can drive one absolutely-around-the-bend-batshit-crazy, but you are still her" little girl", and no doubt your mama loves you...too bad they can't always love us in the way that we need. Well, that's part of life..the way our families disappoint us and the imperfect love they give us.
    You took care of her like a loving daughter, now it is time to take care of you again. You need a goddamned vacation, by the sounds of it. A hot man and a cold drink, in that order, on a nice little beach somewhere. Wouldn't that be nice now?

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