Last Wednesday I did an Amateur Night and the experience was just so damn awful it was hilarious. I left laughing because I was just so glad to be out of there! It's a funny story so I'll share it...
I show up, sign in, etc. and I'm told to sit around the club (not the dressing room) and wait. So I did, for a little over an hour. They promise me that I'll have about 20 minutes or so to get ready. Fine; I did my makeup and hair before I got there so all I need to do before going on is touchups. I offer the DJ the CD I brought and he says I don't get to pick my own music! WTF? He asked what kind I like and I told him classic rock. So.
They finally call the contestants to the back; there are six of us. ALL of them, except me, have been dancing for years upon years. So of course they tell me that *I* have to go on first. They tell us the rules: you get one song, you have to be naked by the end of that song, and you can be disqualified if you're not onstage right away whenever they tell you to go on.
So since I'm first, it turns out that I have FIVE MINUTES to get ready. I go out there and notice that the stage is built in three tiers (nice to navigate in heels) and the pole, for some reason, is off to the side by the tiprail - about SIX INCHES from the tiprail, so I have no room whatsoever to do any polework. I shrug it off and start to dance anyway - to FREEBIRD. WTF?! I'm supposed to look sexy dancing to FREEBIRD?!
So Freebird finally ends. I was told we have to go in the back and get dressed before we can collect our tips, so I pick up my dress and panties and head backstage. The manager is there and he says, "Oh, we changed it, you have to do two songs now. Go back out, we'll play something for you." So I turn around and head back out there, already buck naked, and they play some sloooooow horrible song with no beat whatsoever. I absolutely could not dance to it. Finally it's over so I go back to get dressed... and the next girl's song starts before I can collect my tips! So I didn't get a single penny for the whole thing.
After everyone's gone, they bring us all out to dance for a song. I head out there when they tell me to, but no one else bothers. So I'm looking around confused and all the guys are like, "WTF is she doing back out here again?" Finally the other girls come out and dance, but again, I get no tips.
So then we all have to go out in a lineup so the guys can vote. Once again, I'm the only one who bothers to go onstage on time. So once again, I look like a total wanker. I was really glad when they announced the two of us who weren't winning anything, so I could dressed and get out of there.
It was absolutely the show from hell. I swear it's hilarious how bad I was! At least it was at a club I didn't care about, although it sure wasn't worth the schlep to Inglewood and back. Still, a funny story.![]()


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