Nothing to see here, kids... just need to vent. Feel free to move along.
We all know my sleep has been TEH SUCK. Always has. Doctors come, doctors go... I havent the energy to find specialists, nor the cash. I havent danced in a month. Lack of dancing has led to the growth of my legs and ass. And despite my longing to gain weight and the love of my big ol butt, this isnt how I want to look. I can only fit into my largest pair of jeans now. One pair. I'm afraid to go back to work tomorrow! I got an invite to try out for Playboy, and I cried. I know I cant now. The thread about it just stung, yanno? I have wanted to do Playboy since I was 16.... Blah. After a lifetime of swearing I'd never get my boobs done, I want them. I am scared of the masses of girls who are now officially 10 years younger than I am. I cry about the tired look I cant make up away on my face. I'm too tired to walk, I'm too tired to try to do anything. Im too broke to pay for a gym, or a doctor, or anything. I dont want to leave my apartment. I dont like who I am turning into, or how its making me look... and it scares me. It scares me as well that I am becoming so obsessed with what I look like. How it effects my job(s) aside, I have always been laid back about keeping myself up, I did what worked and never sweated the details... now they keep me awake at night.
Egads...
Sorry. End Rant.



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