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Thread: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

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    Default Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    I'm too embarassed to talk about this to my family and friends so I figured I would ask you strong and intelligent women.

    I am engaged to a great guy. He is divorced after catching his wife with another man. We have been together two years tomorrow. We were supposed to be married November 4th...a few weeks ago.

    I spent $1,000 on my gown. Had all the favors, invitations, place booked, minister and DJ booked. Two days before we were to send the invitations out, he cancelled on me. No reason other than "it's not you, it's me". So, I'm out a few grand, needless to say.

    We live together and he has all the benefits of a husband. I cook and clean for him. We have sex whenever he wants. I just don't understand why he did this!! I try to talk rationally about it even though I am hurt and embarassed and I had to tell all my family and friends about it. I wanted to put my head in the sand.

    Granted, we were having little fights over the two years and we had a mini breakup this May (one week). But we didn't put those deposits down till September and he cancelled a month later.

    Am I being too old fashioned to expect him to buy the cow since he's getting the milk? Am I being a doormat taking care of him when he can't respect my feelings? Should I leave and find someone who DOES want to marry me someday?

    Problem is...I'm 39 and it won't get any easier. And I wanted another child. I know I can't replace the one I lost but it's so hard on my daughter being the only one and I really want another kid.

    Sorry for the long rant. It just feels good to finally be able to let it out. Please give me some advice. Thanks in advance.

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    Banned Melonie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    these things can't be forced ...

    perhaps you need to start by examining your own feelings regarding what's happened (or what hasn't happened)

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    One of my biggest problems is that we went through all the motions. Why bother signing all the deposit agreements when you don't plan on doing it? I am now out all that money, have a wedding gown I can't use and feel like I'm being used. I mean, what's the difference? Here's another thing...we are house hunting for a new primary residence together. Why is it that he can commit to a 30 yr mortgage but not a marriage?

    I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough...

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    Pamela
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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    You're not alone darling! This happens to so many women and men. You may never find the answer. Or one day you two may figure it out.

    I know it must hurt, bad! But better now than at the alter, or a few months down the line when he said "it's not you, it's him"!

    I always heard when a man says "it's not you, it's me" that may just be an excuse because there are other issues at hand with him. Like he simply may have thought about it the closer wedding time came and decided he did not want to be married! You know the old cold feet crap. They get it too!

    I think in due time you two will talk it out. but you have to be honest about you....Were you pushing for a marriage etc?

    Good luck,

    Pamela

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    Pamela
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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Quote Originally Posted by DylanAngel
    One of my biggest problems is that we went through all the motions. Why bother signing all the deposit agreements when you don't plan on doing it? I am now out all that money, have a wedding gown I can't use and feel like I'm being used. I mean, what's the difference? Here's another thing...we are house hunting for a new primary residence together. Why is it that he can commit to a 30 yr mortgage but not a marriage?

    I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough...
    Oh you're good enough! Don't ever think that. Don't blame you...blame the situation. I am guessing he backed out of everything now. take care of you, mourne, and move on. Feel it, write it down, talk to him when you are calm.

    And please move on. You deserve a man to be there for YOU! Get an answer, but don't try to change it! take care of you always you FIRST!

    Pamela

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    You know what's funny? HE was the one who proposed out of the blue and I put off even talking about it until recently. That's why I'm so darn bewildered. We just put the deposits down in September and it was cancelled a month later. I'm standing here wondering what the hell happened in a month?

    I'm thinking I might just have to leave. I don't know if I'll ever get over the hurt and the shame. Everyone called expecting their invitations and wondering if they were lost in the mail...

  7. #7
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    I am not going to say he is a jerk. But you will get over this. This is a loss. And like any loss it hurts.

    My cousin pulled this crap. That's why i kept writting back about this to you. Today his would be wife found a better man....It took her a little time, not long, she got back out there and made her life work! They actually bought the home first....He left 2 days before the wedding....She was hurt, then it turns to anger...then she let it go!

    Be strong! You will survive this.

    Pamela

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Thank you so much Pamela for taking the time to respond in such depth. I am going to talk to my mom tomorrow. I think I'm going to take my daughter and stay with her for awhile...at least through the holidays. Then maybe I can focus on what's right for me without having him in my face everyday.

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Quote Originally Posted by DylanAngel
    Why is it that he can commit to a 30 yr mortgage but not a marriage?
    Ok I laughed at that one. Im sorry hun its hard to love someone who is now unsure he loves you. It IS fucked up of him to just out of the blue like that. People dont alluva sudden not want to be with someone...there is always a reason...big or small there is one. Ok sure "its not you its me" thing ..then WHY is it not you its him. Im just putting myself in your position.

    Theres not too much you posted for me to say "hes an a-hole move on"..BUT..you do deserve and explanation and the one he gave you is lame. You deserve something better.

    In a sense marriage is all about timing to me. (no Im not married) Maybe hes not ready? A house is a thing..you can get rid of it if you really need to but a wife will take years to gey rid of. By all means now put yourself 1st. You should get to know why..I mean if he was about to marry you why cant he give you a better excuse and share what he REALLY thinks.

    Best of luck to you both.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    I'm sorry this happened to you. It's got to be devastating. I have no great relationship advice but I can tell you from my side how it is. I sort of have the feeling towards my boyfriend "It's not you. It's me." Basically what I mean is that I'm not sure he's the right one for me but it doesn't mean there is something wrong with him. I'm so not sure though becuase I really do love him. Now your guy may not have the same issue but may in fact just be scared. Maybe that is my problem too, who knows. Maybe you should stop doing quite so much for him. What does he do for you? Why do you have to cook for him, clean, etc.? I don't do any of that for my boyfriend and I just can't get rid of him. Maybe you are seeming to clingy? Don't take any of this as if I really know what the hell I'm talking about becuase I'm just asking questions. The only thing I do know is you don't want to end up married and have it not be to the right guy. I have seen a lot of what goes on between people involved in divorces and custody battles with attorneys and I really sit there sometimes and think I don't know why anyone would want to get married.

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    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    What the fuck?? Has he provided anything resembling an explanation?

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Thank you TM. And Bunny, no problem with you asking questions. LOL, I'm definitely not the clingy type. I cook and clean because I was raised that way. Oh and the fact that if I didn't, NOTHING would get done around here. I cook dinner because I have to cook for me and my daughter anyway.

    Yek, no explanation. What I got tonight was "I'm having marriage issues", if that is an explanation. No concern for my feelings...only his.

    The biggest thing is..he still wants to live with me after all this. If I'm not the right one for him, fine, I can deal with that. Just let me go and I'll move on. But he still says he loves me and wants to continue being with me.

    Marriage wasn't important to me until we started planning it, if that makes any sense. Now that he's backed out, I have lost respect for him.

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Poor thing, I am so sympathetic toward you. I can only listen and be your friend..

    Send me a msg if you need something, even if it's just a willing ear to listen. Sometimes it's better to just rant to a stranger and get it all out of your system.

    R

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Thank you so so much Crow. This is why I chose to post it here. It's easier to type than to face people.

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Sounds like cold feet then. My mom told me my dad got that way when she was ready to get pregnant and she told him if he wasn't going to want kids to let her know NOW so she could find someone to have them with. He got over it and they had two kids. I've also known a couple people whose husbands freaked out at the last minute and ended up marrying them so maybe it happens a lot.

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    I really hope it gets better for you, hell this could be a hump you guys have to get over.. cold feet on his part or something..
    my advice is to let him cool off, or warm up and then find out the real reason why he cancelled.. If you agree with it, try to work it out, if you don't and all it does is make you feel the same way you did when you started this thread, I don't think you need to put any more effort into it.
    I hope this works out for you....
    Please don't lick me, it tickles..



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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    You know what's not okay? A man whom you seem to love, respect (or used to, anyway), regard with affection, and be sensitive towards his needs, just felt like trying a proposal on for size, and then backed out at the 11th hour. Pretty shitty behaviour, in my opinion.

    Here's what I have learned about men in my 37 years---they will always take the path of least resistance. That's right, whatever is convenient for them. And sorry to say it hon, but he seems to be regarding you as pretty damned convenient right now--you are there providing him with a lovely home, taking care of him, having sex with him--despite the fact he basically put your life and emotions in an upheaval by effectively taking back the proposal. You aren't okay with this, and you shouldn't be. His little stunt cost you money, time, dignity, and put a dent in your self-worth. (and for the record, let's just be clear that his ass-like behaviour is no reflection on your goodness or worth--this is all him, baby).

    Okay, maybe he wasn't ready to get married--fair enough. Then he shouldn't have asked in the first place! Tossing proposals around like party favors is not what a grown-up does. If he wasn't ready, he should have kept his lip zipped. And I'm curious to know---does he seem like he's really sorry for what his careless behaviour has resulted in? Namely, the woman he is supposed to love feeling like utter crap, resentful, and insecure about the future of the relationship? Or is it just business as usual?

    As for the old "It's me, not you"--basically a coward's way of saying "I've changed my mind, but don't have the balls to have a real dialogue about this". Add that to the fact he's still enjoying all the benefits of living with you, and I'd say, yeah, you definitely have a nice case of resentment brewing. And it is only going to get worse.

    It isn't unreasonable of you to want marriage, and another child. Consider yourself lucky--had you married him, you would have gotten another child, and by another child I'm talking about this adolescent of a fiance you have here. I have a big problem with a man that is just content to let a woman sit back and take care of him, while he completely disregards and disrespects her feelings, and doesn't do a damn lick of work around the house. Men like this just expect their partners to pick up where mommy left off. Get off the tit, I say, and learn how to wash a goddamned dish or make a meal once in awhile. You deserve to be taken care of, too!

    Ask yourself this--do you feel good about staying? Do you honestly think you can't do better than this guy? I think you can. If anything, what's needed now is a little time apart. You need to take care of yourself, your daughter---not him. He needs to lose his dinner, laundry, and sex priveleges with you, effective immediately. Yes, it will be tough, because we like to hold onto what is familiar, and the holidays are coming, bla, bla, bla. But how good are you going to feel staring at this guy across the Christmas turkey, feeling resentful and underappreciated? Might be a good time to step away from this, get a true perspective, and date a bit just for fun. Remember fun? In any event, get away from this guy for awhile. You might then discover how easy it is to make that permanent. But for now, baby steps.

    I think you already know how you feel about this guy-- you said you've lost respect for him That's tough to get back, since he seems to keep coming up with one lame one-liner after another. ("I'm having marriage issues.??????WTF is that?) Again, WHY did he ask in the first place? Maybe it's time to act on your gut feelings. You know, you are allowed to do that. It's not your job to take care of someone who is so obviously unconcerned with taking care of you.

    There are real men in the world, who actually will follow through on a promise, give you babies, and wake up beside you each day thinking " I'm so lucky! I get to be with Dylan Angel!" Wouldn't it be a shame if you missed that opportunity because YOU decided to take the path of least resistance by settling for (not much of a) life with Mr. "I just can't make up my mind"?

    Chin up, doll. This is your future happiness we're talking about here. Value that.

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    PB, I'm in tears right now. You have totally summed up how I'm feeling right now. I guess I just needed my feelings to be validated instead of being treated like I'm crazy for wanting to leave.

    Thank you to all who responded. I think I can finally get some sleep tonight knowing that it really isn't me. It's him and he'll be the one missing out.

    It's after 12 now and it's our two year anniversary. I think I need to go out with the girls. That's what I did on November 4th, the night I should have been getting married.

    Girls, you are all a treasure. Hope I get to be there for you the same way you have been for me.

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    ((((((((((((((((Big, big hugs for you.))))))))))))))))))

    You are going to be just fine. Just remember, it's all temporary, and in the end you walk away a little wiser, with a little more self-respect and self-awareness than you started with. Here's to your future happiness!

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    well, he was burned by his ex-wife pretty badly. maybe he is afraid that lightening will strike twice. You need to get him to open up and find out what is really the problem. Sounds like fear of loss to me.

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    Sitri
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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Yes, what Scorpio said.....
    There is probably a lot of fear in him for commitment. Unintentionally, or subliminally, he is putting you through tests to see how much you love him. He probably loves you, but after being betrayed, he just doesn't trust his own feelings.

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    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    ^I'm glad the men are chiming in here DylanAngel, but I hope your guy realizes what he is doing to you. The last time a man put me through burning hoops, I dumped him. And moved on to better things.
    Sitri & scorpio are almost tempting me to believe all the "suspension of disbelief" storylines in romance novels and chick flicks.....the guy has a totally understandable reason (insert reason here....) Uh, but look, you put in your investment into him. 39 is not too old to find another guy, but you deserve fair treatment.

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    In your place, I'd reasonably try to cover expenses (sell the gown, etc) and then bill him for the difference.

    Take him to small claims court if he won't pay.

    Or just -- if you still love him -- TELL him "This is it." Tell him it's his choice, right now, whether he wants to keep you in his life and go through with his promises -- or you'll leave. If he is playing a stupid game -- he'll wake up from it. If he's really not the right one, you'll know right then, and you'll be better able to leave and cut your losses.

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Many others have had good comments, I just want to affirm that he has not acted properly, and has not shown you the respect you deserve, especially the no explanation and expecting things to go on as if nothing happened part -- backing out at the last minute is one thing but not being willing to talk about it smacks of avoiding responsibility... I don't see how you two can be living together right now after that... the whole 'living together in tension with unspoken problems' thing -- that's an issue couples should be facing LONG AFTER they are married, if ever... if he can't communicate about this, now, how is the communication going to improve in the future?

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    Default Re: Tired Of Holding It In (LONG RANT)

    Next time he wants to have sex say "it's not you,it's me" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You said you were 39yrs. how old is he? Like same age range?Or way younger or older? (might be a reason,maybe)

    I feel for ya sweetie,Im soo mad at him for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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