This is kind of a vent, so sorry if it's rambling.
I started dancing in April, the tail end of recovering from an eating disorder (anorexic and bulimic from 11 to 18 ). I found dancing helped me stay in shape, and TRIPLED my self esteem. I stopped hating my body. Dancing did more for me then years of therapy.
I have been binge free for over 6 months. That is a very very big thing. I almost DIED, because I was binging and purging over 12 times a day. I was 18 and doctors are telling me that my heart might go into failure. That's scary.
So accecpting my body was a big deal for me.
But now, dancing is doing the opposite. I've gained about 10 pounds. My eating is healthy and NORMAL ( for the first time I remember in years). But there is pressure to be thin for work because:
A) I have the option to work at a private club IF I lose 20 pounds. They are very very strict on weight there. Girls are weighed up to 3 times a week.
2) I heard 2 spiteful girls call me fat. I have lost all confidence on stage.
Because of these 2 things, I am so stressed out. It's not as easy as just dieting and exercising and losing weight. I can not do it. It always turns into a serious relapse. Me trying to diet normaly is like an alcoholic trying to have "just one drink".
My doctors at work are thrilled with my weight, 5 feet 8 inches and 165 pounds. I eat normal, I exercise 3 times a week and am in great shape, and I don't binge and purge and I don't do drugs.
But lately, because of pressure from Managers and compition from Dancers, I want to overexercise, purge and start doing drugs again.
How do you deal with the pressure? This is seriously tearing me apart. I cry at night, because of it. Over and over in my head, I think that when guys tell me that my body is great, they are lying. That maybe I am too fat to do this job?
When is it time to find another job? I seriously want to go back to working with horses. A barn position isn't glamourous, or pay nearly enough, but I don't have to look a certain way, plus it keeps me athletic.
Help.



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