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Thread: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

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    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    I just found out (through his own admission) that my bf has been and still is a cutter. It's not anything out of control, but I don't know how to react to this. Does anyone have any experience with this? I tried a google search to better understand, but it seems like a bunch of garbage (bad parenting, etc). He is 24, has always been a 'closed-off' kind of person and has a great family. I know he had problems with depression in his teens, but he has never opened up about this. I think the cutting started only 3 years ago though.

    Anyway, what can I do to be supportive of him? I don't know what he cuts with (I didn't want to be overly naggy), but I'm afraid he may get an infection or go too deep. (The most recent ones are on his forearms, 1 horizontal and 2 vertical) (on each arm). He done his chest before too.

    I don't want to react harshly about it, b/c I want him to know that he can tell me anything and it's not going to scare me away, etc. But I also don't want to act like it's nothing, you know?

    Does anyone have any advice for me?






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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    This person seriously needs HELP. (I really don't want to say abandon him.) Convincing him of the need for HELP is best for him. Usually borderlines do this desperate cutting thing, but they 're usually female. Anyhow forget the trends and stats. Just get some help for him and for you, not amateur advice.
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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    He needs help, but even if he doesn't seek it, continue to be supportive of him as a human being.

    Cutting is generally done when a person is very angry, depressed, stressed, or anxious. I'm not exactly sure how to explain this, but there are several psychological motivators for cutting. I'll try to give you a brief synopsis of some of them:

    1. Psychological "relief" - Sometimes cutting one's self is less painful and / or more distracting than whatever is weighing on one's psyche.
    2. Self Punishment / Discipline - Cutting is sometimes done as a way of punishing one's self for perceived wrongs, or disciplining one's self away from undesirable actions (including the desire to harm others)
    3. Attention Seeking Behaviour - Cutting is sometimes done as a way of gathering attention that there is something wrong and that a person needs help, without a person going so far as attempting actual suicide.
    4. Masochism - Cutting is done by the rare individual as a way of achieving pleasure through the release of endorphins - this is usually limited to people who are heavily involved in other forms of S & M.
    5. Body Modification - There is also the rare individual that self-injures for the purpose of body modification known as "scarification", usually with the goal of producing raised scars that resemble patterns, symbols, or images.
    6. Obsessive / Compulsive - Some cutting is done because an individual is obsessed with, or feels compelled by, cutting (I would argue that this may actually be a component of factors 1-3)

    These are not the only reasons why a person may choose to do such things, just some of the more common reasons. And keep in mind that they have been very much over-simplified for the sake of brevity.

    As for tools, it seems like every self-injurer has their preferred weapon of choice. Hunting knives, kitchen knives, razor blades, scissors, sewing implements, manicure tools, broken glass, etc. are common for cutting, which is a pretty specific form of self-injury. Almost any average household is riddled with items that can be used for these purposes.

    Suggestions:

    Encourage any notions he may have of seeking psychological help, but do so in a "non-Mom", "non-nag" way. It has to be his choice.

    Do what you can, within reason, to limit his exposure to high-stress and high-anxiety circumstances - however, remember that your own mental health comes first, and act accordingly.

    Don't bother trying to hide all the "cutting" implements in the household - a truly "dedicated" cutter will find other means.

    Keep antibiotic ointments, peroxide, rubbing alcohol, bandages, and medical tape on hand, as well as a good basic first aid manual (the Red Cross and Boy Scouts usually have good ones). Learn your basic first aid, just in case. This is good stuff to know anyway; you never know when it will come in handy.

    Do some homework - learn the signs of infection. Make him do the same. If he's going to be doing this to himself, you should both be educated so you know how to watch for the warning signs. Again, this is good information to know anyway.

    Make it clear to him in a non-pushy, non-threatening way that you love him, you're there for him, and you are willing to listen if he ever feels the need to talk. If you are feeling particularly forthright, in the same conversation you can gently express your concern over his cutting (and be specific about why it concerns you), while acknowledging that it is his body and his decision. (This may or may not prod him a little into an actual discussion with you - if it does, be prepared to hear things that may potentially freak you out - STAY CALM AND DON'T FREAK OUT.)

    If he ever seems truly suicidal, THEN start hiding everything, and DON'T be afraid to call your local hospital or crisis line for help!!!!!

    If he seeks help on his own, be supportive and try to help him with remembering any mental health appointments, and with taking any medication that may be prescribed - these can be difficult for a person to keep track of, especially when first starting a mental health regime.

    First and foremost, again (and I cannot stress this nearly enough), PUT YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH FIRST. If this becomes too much for you to handle, then it is best to cool things off to "very good friends" and take the space away from it that you need for yourself. You can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first.


    I speak from the perspective of a long-time self-injurer. I hope this helps a little bit.

    ~~McCain

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    1. Psychological "relief" - Sometimes cutting one's self is less painful and / or more distracting than whatever is weighing on one's psyche.
    McCain, you hit the nail on the head with the first one. I didn't want to go on and on with the entire story, but it is for psychological relief when he's realy angry or depressed. I've known him for 9 yrs and dated him for more than 3 yrs....he's really an all-around great guy. He has an incredible amount of wonderful qualities, BUT he's very closed-off, his whole family is like that. They really don't talk about things, aside from "Hi, how ya doin"-type things. Aside from the communication issue, his family is wonderful too.

    When it came up for the 1st time, last Sunday, he referred to it in his past (a few years ago) and I was too shocked to say much of anything. But yesterday, I saw the ones on his forearms (after he took off his sweatshirt), asked what happened and he kept changing the subject. I realized that he is obviously still cutting, and he did admit to it later that nite. I tried to convince him to put neosporin on and he acted like it was no big deal. He also didn't want to talk about it in general and continued to act as if it was nothing. He doesn't have very many scars, but I did put 2 + 2 together about some of the scars on his chest and arms. They're very small/thin, and there aren't that many.

    Thank you for your suggestions McCain, they are very helpful. I'm going to talk to him on Tuesday, and try to do so in a supportive way. I don't think less of him, and I also don't want him to feel attacked, you know?






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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    You have the right attitude towards the situation, from what I can tell. Maybe it will help. just remember that the only one who can "save his soul" is himself.

    Some thoughts:

    1. If his entire family is closed of, as you say, odds are good that there are some truly evil skeletons buried in their closet somewhere. Whether or not they directly involve your man is questionable - you man may have just learned closed off behaviour from watching his fellow family members, who may have ended up that way from their own personal traumas. Food for thought. But this is part of why I say to be prepared to possibly hear some freaky stuff if he ever does come out and talk to you.

    2. He told you about the cutting right around the same time he did it. He wanted you to know something was wrong, and he wasn't about to say it outright. This was a REALLY big step for him. While you may or may not be correct in your end assumptions, ask yourself if there was anything stressful or anxiety-provoking that was going on for him around the time he told you. If you can start getting a feel for what "triggers" him, you'll be better prepared to help him deal with or avoid those same circumstances in the future.

    3. Small and thin scars on a guy? This is just a guess, but I would put money on a good-quality kitchen knife or a good old-fashioned razor blade. Hunting knives - unless very well maintained - tend to leave wider / rougher scars, as do steak knives, crappy kitchen knives, or scissors. Manicure implements tend to leave more in the way of holes than neat, thin slices. Broken glass leaves nasty jaggy scars, in general.

    Okies. I need to now step away from this topic for at least 24 hours. Hitting a little too close to home. Hope it helps you and your man.

    ~~McCain

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    Everything McCain said.



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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    yes, it was an excellent summary.

    the only thing extra I'd add is to make sure when discussing teh behavior that you make it clear that you don't think he is "wrong" even if the actions he's taking aren't good for him.

    That made all the diffrence for me.
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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    Was gonna post my thoughts, but McCain said it better. In those reasons I found the reasons I used to cut...now I feed that addiction with tattoos, same pain and release but with much more attractive results

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    I used to cut myself when I was in my teens and I was very depressed. I hope you can talk to him and get him into some kind of counseling. It might be his way (whether he realizes it or not) to ask for help.

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    How do you hide that from your SO/spouse???Can't they see the scars on you???
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    yeah you could find a way to suggest, without being intrusive or awkward (which will make a closed off type withdraw like a turtle) that he place the addiction with some other habit that is less harmful and more useful like piercing, tattooing, weight lifting, etc. or some milder form like snapping a rubber band on the wrist or pinching.

    "You have demonic genius" -Naomi Wolf
    "I very much resent it when people - maybe with good intentions or from a progressive point of view - keep telling me, 'It's their culture' ... It's like saying the culture of Massachusetts is burning witches." -Azar Nafisi


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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    Cutting and tattoos! That is an insight.
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

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  14. #14
    smartcookie
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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    I knew that there were male cutters, but I had never heard of one before.

    I had a little cutting problem in my teens. For me, it was a fast way of bringing the pain that was on the inside to the outside. It's hard to get a cutter to stop because for them, cutting is a release - it feels good.

    I would tell your boyfriend that you love him, but that he must get help to externalize his feelings, because in the end, he's only punishing himself, and he's too good and deserving a person for that. He's not going to like to hear it, but he must see a mental health professional. It takes time and work to find the right one.

    I see that you are in Chicago. This is what I came up with:




    Let us know what happens.

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    Quote Originally Posted by onlythebest
    How do you hide that from your SO/spouse???Can't they see the scars on you???
    You would be amazed at how oblivious some people are. And at the regenerative capacity of human skin. And at how minimal scarring can be if you use the right implements and follow up with proper first aid.

    Those things aside....

    If you're with a significant other who's actually attentive and worth a damn, you can't hide it very long. You either fess up, lie about the scars, or keep quiet until they do the mental math on their own.

    ~~McCain

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    Quote Originally Posted by onlythebest
    How do you hide that from your SO/spouse???Can't they see the scars on you???
    People aren't that observant. Unless you've got a gaping hole in your chest, if you hold eye contact they aren't looking at your wrists. I used to cut my ankles and I just always wore socks. It was my cute quirk.



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    Veteran Member Miss Courtney's Avatar
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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    my sisters girlfriend is a cutter too, they have been together for a while now, she has a lot of problems but my sister is in love so she stays with her adn supports her. She told me she just is there for her when she does want to talk, and shes been trying to convince her to see someone for a while which has finally happened. So I thihnk just being there for him letting him know you are there for him is important.

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    He is cutting only in the last three months? Cutting is a sign of brain damage caused my meth usage or too much exstacy usage.

    Both of these drugs cause irreversable brain damage. With as little as 10 usages of meth the brain's ability to produce dopamine (the pleasure hormone) is permanently damaged as well as the neural pathways.

    So you might want to explore if he has been using drugs in his recent past, and if he was/is you are in for a very challenging relationship (to say the least).


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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    man that is really intense and it sounds like he needs some serious serious help.

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction about this. The funny thing is (to reply to some of the things brought up) I am the most nosy person in the world and I can not tell you how many times I said "Oh my god, what did you do to your chest / stomach / arm / etc!?!?!" and he'd always have an excuse that sounded ... well, good enough to not question any further. So, yes I noticed, but he lied very well about it.

    Also, he's been doing this for at least a few years (from what he's admitted to me) and he has NO drug use in his past. He's probably only smoked pot 5 times at the most. I've known him very well for about 9 years and he was/is best friends with my cousin, who is also not into drugs. None of their friends are.

    Ironically, the Chicago Tribune did a whole article about cutting (I have yet to read it), but a local radio show talked about it for about an hour today and took a lot of calls from cutters and some professionals in the area that handle this. It was VERY enlightening and couldn't have come at a better time.






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  21. #21
    mermaidnz
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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    you might want to do a search in the ladies only forum....theres a dancer who posts,who used to cut too. im not in the position to mention her name, and she hasnt replied to this thread, so i suggest you look for her old threads.

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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lena
    People aren't that observant. Unless you've got a gaping hole in your chest, if you hold eye contact they aren't looking at your wrists. I used to cut my ankles and I just always wore socks. It was my cute quirk.
    I'm sorry,but I would sure as Hell notice scars on someone,especially if I were close to them.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

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    Featured Member LilSweetVixen's Avatar
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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    that's why people pick less obvious places like under their feet.

    "You have demonic genius" -Naomi Wolf
    "I very much resent it when people - maybe with good intentions or from a progressive point of view - keep telling me, 'It's their culture' ... It's like saying the culture of Massachusetts is burning witches." -Azar Nafisi


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    Veteran Member redvelvetrose's Avatar
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    Default Re: So ... my boyfriend is a cutter. Now what?

    Hey there,
    I am a former cutter. I've got marks on my upper arms. One thing I can tell you is this: DON'T sit there and ask, "Hey, what happened to your arm?" Some of us tend to get annoyed and defensive when people ask that. Usually it's innocent, but still, with marks like these, what could you honestly think happened?
    If someone sees my arm as says something along the lines of "Why?" or "I've been there," it's less threatening and I'm more likely to discuss the issue with them. My boyfriend got me to stop cutting. He saw fresh marks said, "Why are you doing this?" and let me know that he's there for me, and that I could tell him absolutely anything. I think what really worked was that he was unyielding in his questioning and wouldn't just let me shrug it off and leave. He actually made me think about what I was doing. And it let me know that by hurting myself I was also hurting him.
    So I guess my advice to you would be, as many others have said, be patient, supportive, firm but sensitive. This is a real problem linked to hidden coping problems. It's not something I'm proud to have done. I'd rather be without the scars and bad memories connected to them. Good luck and take care.
    -Ann

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