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Thread: Death- how do you cope?

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    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Death- how do you cope?

    My 84 year old grandmother passed away this morning in her homeland of Ireland. Although they (my grandfather and her) were here in the states, the last two months she made him take her home so she could die there. I went a little over a month ago to say my final goodbyes, but I still feel this big void in myself today.

    My father called me this morning, even though I already had "sensed" that she was gone, and now after telling my daughter, I'm left with just a big hole. I'm lucky to have had her for as long as I have, she was a huge influence on my life, as she had a hand in raising me, but, with all the death I have had in my life, this feels much much different, I haven't cried yet, I haven't done anything except pace around, and its raining today..

    I am with my husband now, but will be on my way home after Christmas, I just wonder at times how some people are able to handle things completely differently than others, does it make them cold or heartless because they are at peace for those who no longer suffer? Or should they be hysterical like everyone else around them?

    Here's to my grandma. She was a great lady and I learned more from her than any woman in my life. She was a great mom, a great grandmother and most of all, my friend.


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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Gynger, you cope by never forgetting.

    I only hope that some day you are remembered in the same way you remember your grandmother.

    Here's to her.

    Mast
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Veteran Member TarynJolie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Over the past few years I have had several deaths occur in my circle. At first I got angry at the world/God and did alot of asking why.

    After some time I have come to a place of deeper understanding and stronger faith in what I have seen thus far. I have started to believe in more of the Buddhist concept of reincarnation. So these days I lean towards dealing with grief as the end of suffering in this life and the hope of a more spiritual next one.

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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    (((((((Gyn)))))))) My deepest condolences to you and your family. This is a very tough time of the year to lose someone so close to you. I'm glad that she was able to make it back to the place that she wanted to be. I'm sure that meant a great deal to her.

    This really is a tough question.. Death is never easy--for anyone. I've found that Grandparents' deaths seem to hit the hardest too, especially in my case. My Grandmother's been gone since '96, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. My comfort at the time she passed was that she was finally with my Grandfather again. They had a love that should be an inspiration to every couple out there, one that even death couldn't end. She left me with so many memories though, and they are what I look back on when missing her gets me down.

    You will carry her with you forever, so she will never truly be gone.

    My thoughts are with you.


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    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    G, my condolences on the passing of your seanmháthair,if you are at peace with her passing it doesn't make you cold...everyone mourns in their own way. I have never shed tears when a loved one passed, it's just not in me to cry over them moving on. Instead I tend to concentrate on the good times...
    Here's a lil something that may give ya a bit of comfort....

    An Irish Funeral Prayer

    Death is nothing at all.
    It does not count.
    I have only slipped away into the next room.
    Everything remains as it was.
    The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
    Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
    Call me by the old familiar name.
    Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
    Put no sorrow in your tone.
    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without effort
    Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
    There is unbroken continuity.
    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
    I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
    All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
    One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
    How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

  6. #6
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    I'm so sorry, Gynger.

    I take somewhat cold comfort in the fact that death, more than anything else we do, is the most natural part of life. If we want the person to live on, we will keep our memories, and we can emulate the good things about that person.

    Love, companionship, affection - these aren't physical. You can't "fill a hole" that someone has left behind, and really, you don't want to. That hole means there's meaning to that relationship. But after final acceptance and resolution - which may be a ways yet - there comes the matter of filling your life with the things that are still with you.

    For those who are the closest to the deceased, for those who are the most affected, please, everyone, follow this simple rule: Forgive everything that they say or do in the next few days and weeks. Put it behind and move on after the crest of their grief passes and they can deal with the world a little more rationally.

  7. #7
    Cally
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Im sorry for your loss Gynger. The only real way to cope is to remember the good times. Both my grandmothers have passed away in the last year so I know how you are feeling. It is hard but the pain will ease and you will be left with lots of great feelings for her. You know shes lived a long full life and now shes gone on to a place with no pain and nothing but happyness.
    *big hugs*

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    Senior Member Jessica Lords's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Even though my family and I had time to prepare for my fathers passing -we all grieved in different ways...the night of the funeral I went to my boyfriends house to watch a movie. I actually had the feeling of relief,he wasn't in pain...he wasn't somewhere strange and lonely...he was starting a new "life". I cry at times when I think of him...but I don't think I actually grieved yet and it has been over 10 yrs.....you will grieve in your own way,at some time. I am truly sorry for your loss.....

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    Featured Member hannah83's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Gynger....i don't even really know what to say. i'm so sorry. I deal with death alot like you. I think that i have to be the strong one, the one holding it all together while everyone around me is crying and losing their mind. That's how i've always been. well...no...i take that back. i think when my greatgrandma died is when i quit grieving. I guess it's my way of keeping her close to me. If i don't acknowledge that she truly is gone, then i don't have to miss her.

    ::gives you a huge hug::

    i know that this is extremely hard right now, at least you got to say your goodbyes...i wish i could've done that with my greatgrandma
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    Featured Member Paintbaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Gynger, I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt the same way about my grandmother the same way you felt about yours--an incredible woman who had a great deal of influence on the person I became.

    My grandmother passed away about 10 years ago--my dad told me about it as he drove me to work the next morning. I was devastated. I went into my office, and immediately wrote something for my cousin to read at her funeral, because she died on the east coast and I was on the west coast and couldn't go to her funeral. What I wrote was all about what I remembered about my grandmother, and why I loved her so much---childhood memories, the ways she influenced me, and all the love she gave us grandkids. It made me feel a bit better, because I was honoring her memory and letting people know what an incredible woman I thought she was, even though I couldn't attend her funeral.

    My father later told me that people were very moved by what I had written, and that it had summed up her spirit and character perfectly. I felt that my grandmother was happy that I had done this for her. I still miss her everyday, but I'm glad I got to "speak", through my cousin, about the love I had for her.

    If you aren't able to attend the funeral, Gynger, maybe you could write out something about the love you had for your grandmother, and some of your favourite memories you have of her, to be read at her funeral and memorial. Send it to a family member who will be attending, and have them read it out loud at the service. I think it could make you feel a tiny bit better, and would be a nice final gesture to show your love for her.

    (((hugs))))

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Condolences to you and your family.

  12. #12
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    She sounds like a great lady. Here's to her.

    One thing I like about the Irish is that they view funerals as an opportunity to celebrate the person's life, rather than mourn their losses. So reflect on her greatness, tell her funniest stories, and share her with whoever you can. That's the best way to help her live on.

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    Featured Member The_Oceans's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    I've lost three members of my family in the last 3 1/2 years - my oldest sister died suddenly (I still remember tripping over nothing in the parking lot after work; I later found out that time was around the time she was pronounced dead); I also lost a great-aunt and an uncle to long illnesses (and realized that time still doesn't help to prepare one for the end).

    As Mast, Blade, and Yekhefah said, one of the best ways to cope with the death of a loved one is to remember them in their strongest and happiest times. Also, it is in these times when we stand together with those who share our loss, so we never have to go through the grieving alone.

    We're all here for you, Gyn, so you and your family definitely won't have to go through this by yourselves.
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    The same way I feel death is not a moment of loss it is a time for remembering and what that person gave to you . You will never understand it until you are part of it . I know not what I have experienced .

    Quote Originally Posted by Vyanka
    Condolences to you and your family.

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    God/dess blondhottie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Sorry to hear that, Gynger. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    My deepest condolences to you and your family. My father passed in 2001, and he always said throughout his life, "Never fear death, because whatever gave you your life is what you're returning to." All I can say to you is the only thing which can heal the loss of a loved one is the passage of time. Again, my condolences to you.

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    Featured Member LilSweetVixen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    I think you cope by looking at the big picture. That she was old by any country's standard and had lived a full life. That she lived your lifetime four or five times over but had other interesting phases like being a grandmother. I think that's a cause for celebration that she lived so long and was loved. You and yours have my deepest sympathies.

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    Veteran Member infra-red's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    My 70 year old dad was diagnosed with lung cancer this week. He will find out next week what the "plan" is. I'm coping with it by working overtime and trying to be as positive as possible. He only lives about 20 minutes from me, so, I have had lunch over there every day this week, before going to work. I deal with things by staying as busy as possible.
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Gynger, I'm sorry for your loss.

    Nobody grieves the same, there is no right or wrong way and don't let anybody ever tell you differently!

    Here's to your grandma and to all the strong women who positively influenced our lives...

  20. #20
    God/dess PaigeDWinter's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    I dont know if I can explain how I cope.


    My mother died when I was 8. My Nana died when I was 13. I have no grandparents left... and I've seen friends die. Suicide, overdose, murder... I know death rather well anymore. I was working at a bar this past year when I got a call that my brother died. I'm 28 and I've outlived too much of my family.

    But I cope.

    I live on and I help others. I am the shoulder others lean on.

    I have art. I have dancing. I vent that way. Silently.

    I sometimes let myself lean on others, but rarely. I am too much a protector, a healer, by nature, to worry about myself.

    But it is when I help others that I heal.
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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Gynger...I'm so sorry to hear about your loss!! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

    As for coping, when my dad died (yikes) 6 years ago, I was enraged. Angered for a whole week. And, then...total numbness that lasted for a couple months. It wasn't until I ran across some pictures of him when I was moving that brought on some great memories that I finally really had a good cry. I remember all of the bad things, but, somehow the good things stand out more and more as time goes on. It's weird, because this person that raised me and that I saw every day of my life...well, I can't remember what he looks like. I remember when I see a picture, but not if I were to sit down and think about him...I just remember his energy (if that makes any sense).

    While your grandmother passing is sad, know that now she's with you always...in your heart. And, really, that's where she's always been.

    Lots of love and hugs to you.

  22. #22
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Thank you all for your thoughts. I will be traveling to see my dad and my aunt and uncle to be with them early next week so that I can be with them and they can be there for me.

    She is no longer suffering, and that's a good thing. And in good old irish fashion, we will be having a wake. THat's how she would have wanted it.

    Merry Christmas everyone, and thanks again


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    God/dess colleen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Condolences, Gynger.

    I olst my grandma about 8 or 9 yeras ago. I cope by having her things in my house (books, baking equipment, pictures . . . you know, just ordinary stuff) and using them and enjoying them every day. It makes me feel close to her.

    Blade, that was a lovely prayer. Thanks for sharing that.


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  24. #24
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Gynger a lose is a hard experience. I am very sorry.

    As how to cope? I don't know how after almost 2 years of my beloved sister. If i could i would send strength to you. But i have none myself. I really think the best way to help you, is to remember! Never let it go! Memories are great! If a bad one sneaks in...stop it and replace it with a good one. Then get busy working or cleaning or something.

    I am struggling BAD with my sisters lose STILL... I can't cope. I have the Urn and can't get the strength to scatter her ashes (as she wanted) this spring. I feel if i scatter i am throwing her away.

    I still have a relationship with her...because my mind is open!!! I have fond memories, and pictures, her blanket...oh so much of my home has her things all over!

    I seen my *head* doctor again...he said don't cope actually...feel every emotion that comes and let it out! No matter how much or how long!

    There is NO wrong way to mourne! AS long as we don't hurt Anyone else or ourselves!

    I wear my pain for my sister on my sleeve every day! I don't want to stop feeling, then i may feel dead in my heart!

    Pamela

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    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death- how do you cope?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gynger
    And in good old irish fashion, we will be having a wake.
    Make sure you eat...I remember Irish Wakes, the baileys, jamesons and guinness flows freely...
    Sucks to be a pallbearer the day after an irish wake lemme tell you(I was still drunk, almost dropped the coffin and me into the grave...gram woulda rolled over in her grave if she wasn't in the coffin)

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