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Thread: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

  1. #1
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Sad My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    You guys I am so stressed, scared, anxious, you name it, I feel it.

    So I'm living with my boyfriend. Yes we just started dating, but he let me move in when my dad was freaking out on me and I needed a place to live and he was the only friend at the time who could help me. He's going through a nasty divorce, the women is clinically insane and should be on meds, but she refuses to take them. She has done everything in her power to make the divorce as drawn out as possible. She also wants to take him for everything and then some. She has basically forced him into bankruptcy and then some, which is ridiculous because he makes almost $80K a year just by himself. You wouldn't be able to tell though because of the divorce. He has been lagally divorced for a month now but she still won't let him settle the house issue. It's been on the market for $410,000, when it's only been appraised for $280,000. His ex made this happen by finding the slimiest and easily swayed appraiser she could find. She also chose a realator who isn't doing squat to try to sell the house. She tries to say the house isn't clean enough and that's why it isn't selling, but REALLY she hasn't had ANYBODY to even walk through the house anyways! Rob needs to refinance the house and buy out his ex, but she won't let him. The house got appraised again today, and if it doesn't come up to be worth at least $415,000, we can't even get a loan to refinance. And then that will mean unless somebody has cash to buy the house, we can't sell it either because nobody would be able to get a loan for it. So now we are heading towards bankruptcy, because the house was appraised 2 months ago at $280,000. The bank will probably foreclose on the house and take everything, and we don't know what we're going to do.
    We are both so stressed out. I took a break from dancing because I was in a car accident on Thanksgiving and figured I'd rest my back instead of killing myself at work and not even being able to make house fees. So Im planning to go back to work in January. But even when I start working it won't be enough. Rob is so stressed he is getting really grumpy, crabby, and unaffectionate. All I want is him to hold me and such because I have a lot of debt on my own and people calling my house for money everyday, but he is nonresponsive because he "feels like death".I haven't changed my address on my bills so all of them are still going to my parents house and I'm afraid to go get them because I have nothing. My health is poor from so much stress and anxiety, I just got bad food poisoning, so now I feel like death. I have no energy ever and always get crippling headaches. I also have no health insurance anymore, car insurance is late, etc. My hair is even falling out, my face,back, chest,shoulders, ASS, breaking out painfully. It makes me not even want to put on my dancing out fits because Im so broken out, pale, lost weight, and just feel like I look like hell.
    /rant.
    I have no idea how to remedy any of this...

  2. #2
    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    This guys problems are not your problems.



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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    Correct me if I am wrong... is the guy your referring to named Harry( I remember not liking his name?) The guy who had you all stressed about about choosing between stripping or him? THe guy who is notorious for mind-torturing emails? I hope not... but regardless of who this guy is.... I really think you are putting way too much time into men that are not worth it. It was not too long ago that you were stressing over a guy. If I remember correctly... you are only about 20 something right? Not saying anything about your age in a bad way... because I am only 21 myself.
    Seriously though.... you have a great paying job, your young... and have alot of opportunities to accomplish things for yourself. If this man was any sort of "man", he would realize that it is NOT right to have you by his side suffering from all of his baggage. Your by this man's side.... yet you have to type a post because your upset that he isn't being affectionate. Thats not right. If anything, this man should encourage you to go on your own for a while and fix yourself( seeing all the stress your going through.) He should not be making you miserable... these are HIS problems... he needs to be a man and fix them. Please do not let this guy drain you...whether it is the same guy you posted about before... or a different guy. Can you really not go back to your parents for some time to help yourself??? If you can't, I suggest you try your best to work and make some money for YOURSELF..please do not loan him any money. He is a grown man... and should be able to work all this financial stuff out on his own. He was mature enough to get married and divorced.... so he should be mature enough to rectify the situation. You need to focus on yourself... it seems like you get too side tracked with guy drama! Please take care of yourself and keep posted.
    None of us ladies are perfect... even when it comes to men... but you always need to love yourself and do better for yourself before worrying about a man.

  4. #4
    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    honestly...you need to move out to a place of your own, or at least some other place. Also, I'd cool it with this guy for the time being.

    OTOH, I try to avoid drama. Some people are drama junkies, so maybe you sort of like this sort of thing.

  5. #5
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    No it's not Harry. Harry finally went away And I should have been more clear, he is not totally giving me the cold shoulder as far as affection goes, but he's definetely withdrawn. He is not dragging me into his problems, I knew about them before we started dating, but you can't always choose the time you fall in love. I know that his problems aren't my problems, but as his SO it really makes me want to help him and kills me that I cant. I just hate seeing him so damn unhappy and scared. I guess I really want to know the best way I can be supportive for him, seeing as my life has been getting better(sloooowly) while his is only getting worse. Is there anything I CAN do for him besides just be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen? He would never even think of asking me for money except to chip in on rent/living expenses, which I think is acceptable.

  6. #6
    AudreyLeigh
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    My opinion.

    Go to work in Jan (when your back feels better). Work 2 weeks. Get an apartment. Pay your car insurance. Let HIM deal with HIS problems and YOU take care of YOURSELF.

    Let him see you 2 times a week on dates... maybe stay the night together. Dont talk about his ex-wife, his house, his money problems. Dont talk about YOUR exes, your money problems, your stress... talk about happy things.

    After all the BS of the crappy divorce/house problems are over and hes on sturdier ground - then just go from there.

  7. #7
    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    The advice you've been getting has been pretty consistent...take care of yourself first and let him deal with himself. If you still choose to see him, make it about YOU not about HIM. Life is too short to be allow yourself to be an emotional crutch to someone else, especially right off the bat. The kind of thing that you seem to want to be for him is something that a spouse does, not that a new girlfriend does. At this point, it's supposed to be about fun and excitement, not weeping and moping.

    You CAN choose who you fall in love with, or at the very least, you can choose who NOT to fall in love with.

  8. #8
    Permanently Banned 82Candy's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    I'm sorry, I'm really confused by this. Are you asking for help because A) he is dumping his problems on you and expecting you to help him, B) he is taking money from you and using his problems as an excuse to keep taking from you C) he expects you to solve his problems?

    Honey, sometimes people have problems that you can't solve for them. And if he is asking you to fix his life, that's not much of a man. Hell, there are a lot more women like this than men, that's not much of a person no matter what! I've known women, who have "problems" and expect guys to be their emotional problems, constantly help them out financially, and expect the guy to just be a crutch that exists solely to keep them supported because they can't hold a job or stay emotionally stable on their own.

    I hate women who act like that. Men that act like that are just revolting!

    Divorce can be very nasty. If he were worth a shit, he wouldn't be dumping all his divorce baggage on you. If the divorce is really that bad (dragging out past 3-4 months) then it's likely his wife will be after him for a long long time. If he has kids, this will never ever end, she will screw up the rest of is life.

    If he were worth a shit, he would have found a way to work this out without expecting you to help him financially, or to be his pillow to cry into every night. Everyone has problems, and divorce can be a big problem. It sounds like they are fighting over the house?

    Moving big chunks of money like that can be stressful. They say, the two most stressful things in the world are 1) your wedding and 2) buying a house. I'd say the divorce, and the house could mean he is going through one of the roughest times he may ever have in his life. He will probably be a totally different (happier) person when it's over.

    But, even if this is one of the most stressful times in his life (as it could be), it is clearly a time that he will show his true colors. If he's taking money from you, not being open with you, and trying to dump his problems on you, and not willing to spend any time at all having fun with you in a relationship... you better be careful!!

  9. #9
    Featured Member xbloodydewdropx's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    corsica...i know you think you might be helping him by taking all this upon yourself, but, in reality, it could be counterproductive. if he cares about you, and sees you getting stressed out in this manner, he likely feels guilty about it...people don't like feeling guilty, so they removed themselves from situations that cause those feelings. maybe this explains his withholding of affection. i think the best way to help him is to take care of yourself so that you can support him if he needs it. i don't mean financial support...rather, just being there for him when he asks, and if you're willing and able.

    i notice you use the word "we" when describing his financial situation. utlimately, his financial worries should not be yours at this point. when you find yourself working again, if you want to contribute, then do. you help him by being stable (financially and emotionally) yourself....that way he can focus on his problems and not have to worry about you. whether you stay with him at his place, with your parents, or get your own apartment, become his escape from his problems. be positive and show your affection for him....if he has half a brain he'll welcome this positive change, and will thereby be more likely to come to you.

    in short....take care of yourself, be strong, and focus on the postive. that's the best way to stablize your own life, and also, by extension, his. in my opinion. i don't know the particulars, so take this with a grain of salt. good luck hun.

  10. #10
    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    I opened up this thread thinking that all these horrible things were happening to you, because of the subject line. Aside from your health issues, none of this is happening to you. I think you seem like one of those people that puts other people's needs ahead of your own....which is fine if they deserve it, but I don't think he's in a position to deserve it. He has done nothing for you. You are his muse and distraction while he's in the middle of a rough time. He is jsut someone to take care of you....seems like a relationship based out of dependency and need for somebody. You are young and probably have not experienced a lot with relationships.

    So, consider this a learning experience. Hopefully you will find someone that puts as much energy into you that you put into him.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    Hun, you need to take a step back and take a look at yourself. Like just 2 weeks ago you were posting to us about your problems with "LOVE OF YOUR LIFE" Harry, and what you should do....now you got a NEW MAN and you are living with him?!!!! What the hell is wrong with you?

    There is nothing wrong with being alone girl. Dam, I guess some women just can't be alone...

    You need to take some time and focus on Adrienne. Not everyone else. There is only 1 person who has YOUR best interests at heart...and that is YOU







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  12. #12
    Featured Member Paintbaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    I share the same point of view as the other ladies here. His problems are not your problems, thus they are not yours to fix. Remove yourself from his home, get your own apartment, and put some distance between youself and all the drama. You don't need to be getting involved in his divorce drama, either. There are always two sides to a story. Put some distance between yourself and the situation until he takes care of his problems. You certainly can't be expecting him to concern himself with your needs and problems when he has so much crap going on in his own life right now---he is showing you quite clearly he can't. Give him some space until he restores some balance in his situation. See him less often, and keep it light when you do--have fun, and don't talk about the drama.

  13. #13
    Permanently Banned 82Candy's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    I missed the part where he wasn't asking for money, sorry...

    Everyone else is right, you’re moving way to fast. He shouldn't be dragging you into his divorce, he should be dating you. You should be going out to dinners, movies, museums, etc... If money is an issue, you should just go for walks, window-shop, but get out and enjoy time together. If he isn't ready to take you out, then he is just using you as someone to cry to and lean on.

    If he is just now working out his divorce, he isn't going to be able to be there to help you through your issues right now. And it sounds like you have a lot of things to work out. You were calling Harry "the love of your life" just a very short time ago. And if your back is a problem, you need to find a job that won't hurt your back, so you can be responsible and pay your car insurance and get your life together. You need to be stable and secure on your own, doing it yourself.

    That doesn't speak badly of him or the relationship. A man should be able to look at you and respect you for being able to take care of yourself, pay your own bills, and have your own goals. The biggest problem I see here is the opposite. What the hell is wrong with the guy that would make him want to date a woman that isn't working, has health issues, and just came out of a serious relationship?

    I've seen guys come out of bad divorces, and usually they won't give a woman the time of day unless they can respect them for their career and financial stability! Money becomes a real sore spot for guys after a bad divorce. He's not reacting normally if he has you living with him, not working, and you moved right in from your parents after you broke up with your boyfriend.

    Something is wrong here, you should be seeing a BIG RED FLAG. He should be asking you out on dates, not crying about his ex-wife. You have two choices, 1) take control of the situation, make him DATE you and have fun and make him RESPECT you for doing things on your own, or 2) Get the hell out and don't look back.

  14. #14
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    It's partly my fault that we don't go out, I feel horrible all the time and he has wanted to go out and do stuff. We end up cancelling because of this. I have no energy even. And any job I take pisses off my back so oh well, Ill have to live with it. He tells me all I'm ever concerned with is money nowadays and that its a big turnoff, but thats the biggest problem in the house. Its not like moeny is the most importsnt thing, but I do take interest on whats going on financially because I live in the house too and his problems could lead to both of us homeless. He told me I could live here even if we were just friends because honestly, I feel better after getting away from the added drama and stress at my parents house. If I was to continue there, I quite possible would have ended my life because it was that bad. He also is wondering why we havent had sex in 2 DAYs (ROLL EYES).Honestly, the past week he has looked so sad and depressed that I didnt think he was up to it. He feelsl ike Im pulling away from him and is confused, but really Im just not trying to burden him with my issues that he doesnt need. Then he said basically it was just that he wanted to spend more "fun" time together because we haven't been doing it.
    Sigh....I feel bad because that IS my fault. Why I can't actually feel physically good for once is beyond me...

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    What Lena said... Times a million.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  16. #16
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    He has so many problems and then is wondering why ya's haven't had sex in two days??
    From the way you describe your feelings... it seems as though you do not have to hide how you feel. It most likely is VERY evident to this man that you are physically and mentally drained. If he cares about having "FUN" as you say... why can't he take any initiative? As other ladies have mentioned... he could take you to a movie or something. He could be putting his "ALL" into getting you in a better mood. WHY does it seem like your the only one trying to do that?
    He needs to either put lots of effort into treating you, romantically, like the lady you are... or you really need to do the "friend" thing while he sorts out his issues and you sort out yours. It seems like the both of ya's need seperate time to sort out personal problems that each of ya's "seperately" have. He needs to work out his divorce situation... and i think it would be best for you to work on establishing some independance. Please... i am not saying for you to tell this guy to shove off... but do take the time to make money and live on your own. You should not want to depend on a man for a place to live at almost 21 years old? Just like the idiot harry... you never know how this guy can turn out.
    You can still date him... but ya dont have to live with him and be near him every second.
    I am not one to say that people can not fall in love fast... but it seems that you are really jumping from love to love... it's best to jump from love to love while you live on your own and are still exploring everything that is out there...(meeting news friends.... going to new places... hell your turning 21!, you don't want ur birthday being spent sobbing over how bad you feel.)
    You can not have a successful "we" relationship until you have a successful "I" relationship. Sorry if I sound like a Hallmark advice card but it's the truth. He is probably not a bad guy and i dont mean to put him down...but i think ya's just need time to sort out your seperate issues. AS the other ladies said... stick to lighthearted fun dating for now on. I know it can be hard sometimes to do that, especially if your one of those women who gets attached easily... I am one of those women so i KNOW!. It takes effort for me at times. I feel like it is so much easier to claim to be an independant woman.... but takes lots of practice to really become one when your young and in love with romance. ,,, atleast for me. Sorry I rambled but i am drinking alot of coffee.Good luck!

  17. #17
    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    I get the impression that you are ok with things the way they are, even though you say otherwise.

  18. #18
    Permanently Banned 82Candy's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    Quote Originally Posted by CorsicaFire
    It's partly my fault that we don't go out, I feel horrible all the time and he has wanted to go out and do stuff. We end up cancelling because of this. I have no energy even. And any job I take pisses off my back so oh well, Ill have to live with it. He tells me all I'm ever concerned with is money nowadays and that its a big turnoff, but thats the biggest problem in the house. Its not like moeny is the most importsnt thing, but I do take interest on whats going on financially because I live in the house too and his problems could lead to both of us homeless. He told me I could live here even if we were just friends because honestly, I feel better after getting away from the added drama and stress at my parents house. If I was to continue there, I quite possible would have ended my life because it was that bad. He also is wondering why we havent had sex in 2 DAYs (ROLL EYES).Honestly, the past week he has looked so sad and depressed that I didnt think he was up to it. He feelsl ike Im pulling away from him and is confused, but really Im just not trying to burden him with my issues that he doesnt need. Then he said basically it was just that he wanted to spend more "fun" time together because we haven't been doing it.
    Sigh....I feel bad because that IS my fault. Why I can't actually feel physically good for once is beyond me...
    '
    Wait...

    One seconds your upset he dumps all his problems on you. Now you’re upset that you’re causing him problems, which is it honey?

    Is he creating problems for you, or helping you with yours? He obviously has problems (as anyone going through a divorce would), is he dumping them on you or not? You have problems (back, money, going out), are you dumping them on him? Are you doing this together, or is there an issue? I am starting to see that it's a NORMAL thing that you both have problems, and as long as one of you isn't dumping them all on the others feet, THAT IS LIFE. You lost me again with the last post, what is wrong again?

    You have cried "wolf" on this forum a couple times, is this really a problem, or are you looking for the drama?

  19. #19
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: My Life Is Coming Crashing Down

    Im just getting so confused that its hard to explain myself correctly and effectively. We're kinda both responsible for dumping on each other. But thankfully we had a talk about it.

    Honestly, if theres anything I got from this thread from my poor way of explaining is that Im going to try to be more independent from him and slow the fuck down, I think it will help the situation.

    Crying wolf? No, not really....

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