This is fucking long, but like, I wanted to post it in the lounge. This is easily one of the funniest nights ever.
SO last night I went out to a club.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
It all started at a place called the diner, which is friggin awesome, you pick your food, they cook it for you like a hibachi, but notsomuch chinese more like salads and shit. I sat at the bar and had a good time. WELL, I drank, for the first time in ages, total bitch drinks too, I'm not even going to say the name. I had 3 of them, and my balls sent me a post card "We're missing you in man land"
Oh and I got hit on by a 17 year old. Yes. Thats 2 this week. If I put them together they'd be legal. But She shoulda lied. She didn't look 17.
It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity
The alcohol was working, suddenly I remembered drinking ages ago. Heh. I think Tiff called it liquid courage![]()
We had everything before us, We had nothing before us.
So I saw some of the funniest things. Like a hot brunette walking out of one of the bars all mad at her boyfriend for flirting with some 'Busty two-cent booty-ish bimbo' and then start crying. I mean, the thought of hurtyness itself isn't funny, the thought of a dude winding up with a hot ass chick like that then taking her out to flirt with some other chick is hilarious.
Mast began his approach as she walked off and Jacken Nuts went back into the bar.
I distinctly remember playing the A-Team theme song in my head.
It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair
I made it as far as up next to her when she was talking on the phone, I asked her if she was ok. Needless to say I let her immasculate me on the park bench till she decided 'Well its been 4 months since we got back together, I should go in there'. I swear, I don't know how these guys do it. I garauntee she has a great friend on the side who's not-too-good looking that gets to hear from her every time Brutus sticks his dick in sideways or wants to use ranch dressing for lubricant, but I digress, since I was filling that position.
I dunno, I like helping people out I guess. It was interesting convo. Let me tell you ladies, she's taking one for the team. This guy was a CHARMER. I distinctly remember her stating she hates his beer farts. Ladies, we're talking about farts that come from different activities. Flatulance. The spice of life.
I called paige, yea, for the hell of it. That girl has a hot phone voice too. And countrary to popular belief, she doesn't find nipples sexy. :/ A man can hope right? So knowing I'm not drunk and trying to convince paige of this I get behind the wheel of my Egg. And am decided a SC is in order.
Ok guys, I told you that story to tell you this one.
We were all going to Heaven, We were all going direct the other way.
I get to the club
And I SHIT YOU NOT, I've seen THINGS people... this was like right out of a movie, there was a bunch of guys sitting in a black truck playing cards cause their friend was in the club. They were mexican, not that we should hold that against them, but it made the conversation tough to understand, and I enjoyed the side comments at my expense in spanish. Good people tho from what I gathered.
I got in the door to the club and this goony bouncer just blank stared at me. I was determined to make this guy laugh. I tried to get him to talk, and swear the process reminded me of something similar to local anesthesia on the remaining intelligent part of my brain. 15 minutes in he demanded I go into the club. Mission failed.
It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.
Here's my score card
Pissed off dancer - 1
Dudes that where in a band that talked shop with me all night - 2
Number of buttons I lost to band member's hair - 1
Ugliest man in the entire god damned world - 1 <not me>
Approached by women who promised to let me do some variation of breaking the rules with them - 89237439587439857435740986705287
But there were two notable women -
One was an amazonian genetic grab bag of ugly. I mean, she was just not for Mast and offered to tie me up. And I'm pretty sure the I said 'You'd have to'
Another was a very hot chick who said to me 'Can I use your body has my playground today baby?' Lol. soooo cheesy but so ice breaking. I verbally warned her that comments like those end in 'I do's' which this surprisingly witty little beeotch said 'I always wear white incase elvis shows up'
*Applause*
...there was a Queen with a fair face...
I noticed the Queen of all dancers at this club was there. <I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking for her> This girl is on fire in Red. Well, we hadn't talked in a while so we got a half hour room where we had a great convo. Like old times. Why am I telling you this? I massage calves the whole time. AT MY REQUEST. I got another postcard this morning from manland "We'll send for our things. -Balls" I had a great time tho. I love massaging a good pair of legs. Well hopefully all the legs I massage come in pairs...
Afterwards, I cut out. I was seriously sweating like a whore in church. So I went out to my car where I met these two nice people who's boyfriends where in the club. And much thanks to my buzz, mast struck up a convo, that ended up with me driving them home cause their boy toys weren't breaking away. OMG the STORIES. Again, one more taking it for the team people! One girl was talking about bitesex. I mean you just cant make this shit up.
Haha I've never done it, but I strongly detest dying, and pulling into a house where her friend's car had the confederate flag on the hood, among other things like, oh, I dunno, a Washing machine in the yard. I decided a request for exchanging contact info was not my cup o' tea.
Oh did you know 'Slow your roll' means slow down?
I got to reconnect with a great friend tho, so it all works out. Especially cause thanks to her, my side still hurts. Dogs pooping mid run is always funny. Even in retrospect.
Mast
"Do you believe in forever? I don't even believe in tomorrow."



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