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Thread: An Apology Via Form Letter

  1. #1
    Veteran Member lwtex52's Avatar
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    Default An Apology Via Form Letter

    Dear __________________

    I wish to apologize for my behavior at your recent New Years Eve party, I am particularly embarassed due to the actions checked below:

    1) Asking for lapdances at Waffle House.
    2) Describing how one can improve his or her sex life using only a jar of mayonaisse and a watermelon.
    3) Evacuating my bladder into the dishwasher.
    4) Mistaking the patrol car for a cab and thinking Officer Bovine was the bell captain at the Hyatt.
    5) Demonstrating why "Safe Sex" means leaving the emergency brake on.
    6) Using lame online pickup lines in a real-life party. "What are you wearing tonight?" does not translate well to the real world.
    7) Crashing the midnight service at the Antioch Baptist Church and attempting to organize a Conga line.
    Explaining to the hostess that the major difference between a young hooker and an old hooker is that the young one uses KY-Jelly, while the old one uses Poly-Grip.
    9) Performing interesting, yet strange, rituals with a bottle of Udder Cream.
    10) Whatever it was I did that involved bagpipes, batteries, and axle grease.


    I sincerely regret my conduct and, as a small token of my desire to make amends, have enclosed:

    1) A check in the amount of $____________.
    2) A plea-bargain from my attorney, Mr. Cohen.
    3) A forwarding address in the Philippines.
    4) An invitation to my arraignment, embossed and personally signed by me.
    5) A picture of the hot tub orgy at the afore mentioned party. I thought the use of the forklift was an interesting touch.

    Sincerely,
    My latest conspiracy theory: I am convinced that Dick Cheney is, in reality, Elmer Fudd.

  2. #2
    Chicagoeditor
    Guest

    Default Re: An Apology Via Form Letter

    Love it. Already sending it around to various post-holiday schmucks I know.

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