Dear __________________
I wish to apologize for my behavior at your recent New Years Eve party, I am particularly embarassed due to the actions checked below:
1) Asking for lapdances at Waffle House.
2) Describing how one can improve his or her sex life using only a jar of mayonaisse and a watermelon.
3) Evacuating my bladder into the dishwasher.
4) Mistaking the patrol car for a cab and thinking Officer Bovine was the bell captain at the Hyatt.
5) Demonstrating why "Safe Sex" means leaving the emergency brake on.
6) Using lame online pickup lines in a real-life party. "What are you wearing tonight?" does not translate well to the real world.
7) Crashing the midnight service at the Antioch Baptist Church and attempting to organize a Conga line.
Explaining to the hostess that the major difference between a young hooker and an old hooker is that the young one uses KY-Jelly, while the old one uses Poly-Grip.
9) Performing interesting, yet strange, rituals with a bottle of Udder Cream.
10) Whatever it was I did that involved bagpipes, batteries, and axle grease.
I sincerely regret my conduct and, as a small token of my desire to make amends, have enclosed:
1) A check in the amount of $____________.
2) A plea-bargain from my attorney, Mr. Cohen.
3) A forwarding address in the Philippines.
4) An invitation to my arraignment, embossed and personally signed by me.
5) A picture of the hot tub orgy at the afore mentioned party. I thought the use of the forklift was an interesting touch.
Sincerely,



Explaining to the hostess that the major difference between a young hooker and an old hooker is that the young one uses KY-Jelly, while the old one uses Poly-Grip.
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